Okay everybody, at the risk of sounding like a broken record player,
once again, I own absolutely bloody nothing. Zippo, nada. I have no
belongings in this fanfic, except of course for my characters.
Also, Dean's viewpoints are his own, they are not necessarily mine. Just because I have written them does not mean I agree with them. I'm just writing this so I don't end up being sued by Fox.
Red Witch... if you read this, here's a website you may like... It's called 'www.homestarrunner.com', be sure you type that in TO THE LETTER. You will find some toons which spoof G.I. Joe. They're called 'Cheat Commando' toons. Just thought they might be something you'd enjoy.
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
&&&&&&
"I'm bored..." whined Piter, playing with his hair for the trillionth time.
Amara rolled her eyes. "You've been saying that for the past three days, Piter."
"The past three days, four hours, twenty-seven minutes and..." He paused, closing his eyes slightly, "thirteen seconds, to be accurate, but that's because I've been bored since then."
"Yeah, but that doesn't mean you have to whine about it all the time."
"Sure it does. Misery loves company." Piter played with his hair again.
"You like reading," Tabitha said, filing her nails, "why don't you go to the institute's library?"
"Read all the books."
Tabitha stopped filing her nails. "What, all of them?"
Piter nodded gloomily. He played with his hair again.
"How?" Amara asked. "You can't read over three hundred books in a fortnight. That's just impossible."
"Maybe impossible for you, Amara. But not for Super-Piter!"
"Yeah..." Tabitha said, sardonically. "Able to get on everyone's nerves faster than a speeding bullet, able to get people to hit him in a single bound." She looked at Piter. "Y'know, you're so like Pietro, it's almost frightening."
Piter looked offended. "Pietro? Are you seriously comparing me to that uncouth, impatient and grey-haired speed demon? I'm not in any way like him!" He ran his fingers through his hair. "For one thing, I'm more handsome."
Tabitha shook her head. "It's like twins separated at birth..."
"Maybe you should get a hobby." Amara suggested, and get of your butt for once and do something rather than complaining, she added in the privacy of her own mind.
"What, you mean like Lexy becoming a conservationist?" Piter snickered, and then ran his fingers through his hair. "Say, did they ever find all of Jean's SUV?"
"I'm thinking something a little less destructive, Piter." Amara said.
"Yeah, perhaps you should take up hairdressing. Get yourself a crew cut."
Piter leapt back in horror. "CUT MY HAIR?! That, my dear Tabitha, is utter heresy! To do so would be ruining a national treasure! A cultural heritage! Besides..." He said, patting the top of his head. "I like my hair long."
"Well, you'd better go out there, and start doing something to stop your boredom, because if you start whining about how bored you are again, I'm going to give you a time-bomb where the sun don't shine."
Piter smirked. "Ooh, feisty, I like that." Tabitha slapped him. "Oww..."
"C'mon, Amara, I've got better things to do then listen to Piter's pathetic attempts at flattery." Tabitha muttered as she left the room.
"Yeah!" Piter called after her. "You could go to the living room, and listen to Salvador Dean raise rebellion against the USA!"
The girls left the room, leaving Piter on his own. A slight glimmer came to his eyes. "A hobby, eh...?"
&&&&&&
"...Ah, mean, whit is th' point? If those people tried it back home in Scotland, there wuid be riots in th' streets with advertising executives hingin' from lampposts!"
Ray looked at the frothing Dean in front of him with a raised eyebrow. "Dean, people advertise on the television in order to get a mass market. Y'see," he said, adopting a condescending tone, "in order to get people to know what you sell, you first have to tell them what it is you are selling..."
"Don't patronise me, y' ignorant get!" Dean yelled. "You'r no' listening! Ah understand why ads are on, and yeah, some of them can be quite guid, like that car ad wi' all the rolling pieces, or that wan wi' the ol' man an' the Haggen-Daz ice-cream." He took a deep breath. "Howiver, that's no' th' case wi' most ads. Especially wi' most American ads. Thet hiv been made for people who's brains have fallen oot there ears!"
"Surely there must be some poor ads back in Scotland." Kurt pointed out.
"Oh, aye, there is. However, we do not hive so many add breaks as yous do." He pointed at the television. "An ad break between the end of the show and the credits? For God's sake! If Ah hid mah way, Ah would disembowel the guys who came up with that idea, and then hang 'em with their own intestines!"
"Uh, Dean, perhaps you should calm down-"
"Calm doon? Calm doon? If Ah did that, then nobody would here whit's wrong aboot American television!"
"You say that as if it's a bad thing." Scott muttered under his breath.
"Whit wis that, Scott-boy?"
"Nothing, nothing..."
Dean shook his head, as if tormented by insects. "An' that's no th' only thing wrang wi' this country!" he shouted, religious froth building up on his lips. "Republicans! They're wrong! The Second Amendment! That's wrong! The PATRIOT law! That's wrong! Fox TV! Tha-"
"What's wrong with Fox TV?" Ray asked.
Dean sighed. "When yous have a major television network which dosnae so much provide news, but more propaganda, and are so uptight about they're image that they start tae sue themselves for slander, y'know some'hings the matter."
"Fox sued themselves?"
"Well, they tried tae. They tried tae sue the Simpsons, then realised that they owned it. Now whit does that tell you?" Dean paced the floor some more. "Another 'hing Ah don't like. If this is a democracy, then why don' th' boss-men listen tae the people they supply? Ah hate people like that! Like, say, KidsWB! They don't listen tae the public!"
"Uh, Dean-"
"Don't interrupt me, okay! Ah'm trying to make myself heard!"
"Dean..."
"Shutit! Naw, as Ah wiz saying..."
"DEAN!" Scott shouted suddenly. "If this is the case, and you dislike America so much, why are you over here?"
Dean paused in mid-rant, he opened his mouth, then shut it. "Weel... There are some guid things aboot America, Ah suppose..."
"Go on..."
"Well, Car Talk is guid, as are peanut butter cups an' Oreo cookies. The Simpsons are okay..."
Kurt rolled his eyes. "You just have to admit it, Dean, as I did to myself. America may have many shortcomings, but there are some good things about it there and now."
Dean shrugged, an impressive feat for someone with wings, his tirade over. "Ah, you're probably right." His eyes brightened. "Like th' Grand Canyon, and Yosemite. Ditto wi' Mount Washington and Half-Dome."
Scott sighed and rolled his eyes. "I'll leave you, Dean to determine whether you like America on your own..." He left the room, bumping into Amara and Tabitha as he did so.
"Oh, hi girls. What's up?"
Tabitha shrugged. "Not much, we just heard that Dean was doing a good Abu Hamza impression over America, and we were going to check it out."
Scott looked back at the living room. "I'd say you just missed it." A thought struck him. "Have you seen Piter around the place?"
Amara rolled her eyes. "Yeah, we left Piter in the kitchen with the advice to go get a life. He's still in there, as far as I know."
Scott thanked them, and went to the kitchen he opened the door. He saw what was going on. He closed the door, his face as white as a sheet. He went back to Amara and Tabitha. "Girls? When you left Piter, what exactly did you tell him to do?"
Tabitha's forehead creased. "We told him to get a hobby... didn't we?" Amara nodded. "Yeah, that's what we said, why?"
Dean stared at the two girls. "You told him tae get a hobby?" He gulped. "Oh, dear..."
"He-llo, everybody!" Piter yelled, kicking the door open. Everybody in the room jumped, and hid behind some form of heavy furniture. The reason for this was because Piter was currently juggling two steak knives, three butcher knives, a bread knife and a cleaver.
"PITER, WHAT IN GOD'S NAME ARE YOU DOING?!" Eva screamed from behind the sofa.
"It's my new hobby." Piter replied. "Why, don't you like it? I could switch to chainsaws, if you liked..."
"PUT THOSE THINGS DOWN, NOW!" Eva yelled back.
"For God's sake, Eva, you don't need to yell, I'm standing right here." Piter retorted. "What's the big deal? Why are you all acting so nervous?"
"I dunno," Ray replied from under the coffee table. "There's something about immanent death that kinda freaks me out."
"Oh, don't be such a baby." Piter rebuked. He suddenly switched his juggling technique, so he was sending two blades up at once. "You're acting as if you have no confidence in my juggling abilities whatsoever!"
"That's cause we don't..." Tabitha said, moving slowly towards the open door. Piter looked at her, and he grinned, slowly. "Oh, Tabby..." He said, in a sing-song voice. "Don't move..."
Tabitha froze. "Piter... please tell me you are not about to..." There was a blur, and two knives had imbedded themselves on the wall that was behind Tabitha, one on either side. Tabitha's face had gone completely white.
Piter picked one of the knives from the cascade he had, and held it in a throwing position. "Tabitha... don't breath..." There was another blur, and the knife slammed into the wall, just over her head. Piter grinned. "Thanks for the suggestion of a hobby, Tabby, this is fun! It was also very generous the way you volunteered to be my target!"
"Actually..." Tabitha croaked. "I didn't..." There was four more blurs. Each of the blades smashed into the wall, the cleaver embedded just under her groin. Tabitha looked at where all the knives were. She then fainted.
Piter grinned at the stunned audience. "Well, what can I say, I'm no longer bored!" He turned to Amara. "I must thank both you and Tabby for giving me the suggestion for a hobby! Be sure to thank her once she wakes up!" He walked over to the wall, and pulled all the blades out, one after the other.
The entire room was quiet. Ray cleared his throat. "Tell me, Dean, you've known Piter the longest... Is he in the habit of throwing knives at people regularly?"
Dean pulled a very long face. "Be thankful he didnae start wan of his old hobbies, like javelin fencing or shot-putt catching." Scott opened his mouth. "Don't even ask, Scott. You don't want to know what he did. Let's just say that thanks to Piter, Ah now have a valid fear o' hula- hoops"
Scott rubbed his temples. "Everybody, here's a suggestion. Next time Piter's whining about being bored, just leave him to be bored, okay?"
"Why do you insist on punishing me like this, Lord?" Eva asked, tearfully. "Is it because I made that church in South Dakota implode? I didn't mean to!"
Also, Dean's viewpoints are his own, they are not necessarily mine. Just because I have written them does not mean I agree with them. I'm just writing this so I don't end up being sued by Fox.
Red Witch... if you read this, here's a website you may like... It's called 'www.homestarrunner.com', be sure you type that in TO THE LETTER. You will find some toons which spoof G.I. Joe. They're called 'Cheat Commando' toons. Just thought they might be something you'd enjoy.
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
&&&&&&
"I'm bored..." whined Piter, playing with his hair for the trillionth time.
Amara rolled her eyes. "You've been saying that for the past three days, Piter."
"The past three days, four hours, twenty-seven minutes and..." He paused, closing his eyes slightly, "thirteen seconds, to be accurate, but that's because I've been bored since then."
"Yeah, but that doesn't mean you have to whine about it all the time."
"Sure it does. Misery loves company." Piter played with his hair again.
"You like reading," Tabitha said, filing her nails, "why don't you go to the institute's library?"
"Read all the books."
Tabitha stopped filing her nails. "What, all of them?"
Piter nodded gloomily. He played with his hair again.
"How?" Amara asked. "You can't read over three hundred books in a fortnight. That's just impossible."
"Maybe impossible for you, Amara. But not for Super-Piter!"
"Yeah..." Tabitha said, sardonically. "Able to get on everyone's nerves faster than a speeding bullet, able to get people to hit him in a single bound." She looked at Piter. "Y'know, you're so like Pietro, it's almost frightening."
Piter looked offended. "Pietro? Are you seriously comparing me to that uncouth, impatient and grey-haired speed demon? I'm not in any way like him!" He ran his fingers through his hair. "For one thing, I'm more handsome."
Tabitha shook her head. "It's like twins separated at birth..."
"Maybe you should get a hobby." Amara suggested, and get of your butt for once and do something rather than complaining, she added in the privacy of her own mind.
"What, you mean like Lexy becoming a conservationist?" Piter snickered, and then ran his fingers through his hair. "Say, did they ever find all of Jean's SUV?"
"I'm thinking something a little less destructive, Piter." Amara said.
"Yeah, perhaps you should take up hairdressing. Get yourself a crew cut."
Piter leapt back in horror. "CUT MY HAIR?! That, my dear Tabitha, is utter heresy! To do so would be ruining a national treasure! A cultural heritage! Besides..." He said, patting the top of his head. "I like my hair long."
"Well, you'd better go out there, and start doing something to stop your boredom, because if you start whining about how bored you are again, I'm going to give you a time-bomb where the sun don't shine."
Piter smirked. "Ooh, feisty, I like that." Tabitha slapped him. "Oww..."
"C'mon, Amara, I've got better things to do then listen to Piter's pathetic attempts at flattery." Tabitha muttered as she left the room.
"Yeah!" Piter called after her. "You could go to the living room, and listen to Salvador Dean raise rebellion against the USA!"
The girls left the room, leaving Piter on his own. A slight glimmer came to his eyes. "A hobby, eh...?"
&&&&&&
"...Ah, mean, whit is th' point? If those people tried it back home in Scotland, there wuid be riots in th' streets with advertising executives hingin' from lampposts!"
Ray looked at the frothing Dean in front of him with a raised eyebrow. "Dean, people advertise on the television in order to get a mass market. Y'see," he said, adopting a condescending tone, "in order to get people to know what you sell, you first have to tell them what it is you are selling..."
"Don't patronise me, y' ignorant get!" Dean yelled. "You'r no' listening! Ah understand why ads are on, and yeah, some of them can be quite guid, like that car ad wi' all the rolling pieces, or that wan wi' the ol' man an' the Haggen-Daz ice-cream." He took a deep breath. "Howiver, that's no' th' case wi' most ads. Especially wi' most American ads. Thet hiv been made for people who's brains have fallen oot there ears!"
"Surely there must be some poor ads back in Scotland." Kurt pointed out.
"Oh, aye, there is. However, we do not hive so many add breaks as yous do." He pointed at the television. "An ad break between the end of the show and the credits? For God's sake! If Ah hid mah way, Ah would disembowel the guys who came up with that idea, and then hang 'em with their own intestines!"
"Uh, Dean, perhaps you should calm down-"
"Calm doon? Calm doon? If Ah did that, then nobody would here whit's wrong aboot American television!"
"You say that as if it's a bad thing." Scott muttered under his breath.
"Whit wis that, Scott-boy?"
"Nothing, nothing..."
Dean shook his head, as if tormented by insects. "An' that's no th' only thing wrang wi' this country!" he shouted, religious froth building up on his lips. "Republicans! They're wrong! The Second Amendment! That's wrong! The PATRIOT law! That's wrong! Fox TV! Tha-"
"What's wrong with Fox TV?" Ray asked.
Dean sighed. "When yous have a major television network which dosnae so much provide news, but more propaganda, and are so uptight about they're image that they start tae sue themselves for slander, y'know some'hings the matter."
"Fox sued themselves?"
"Well, they tried tae. They tried tae sue the Simpsons, then realised that they owned it. Now whit does that tell you?" Dean paced the floor some more. "Another 'hing Ah don't like. If this is a democracy, then why don' th' boss-men listen tae the people they supply? Ah hate people like that! Like, say, KidsWB! They don't listen tae the public!"
"Uh, Dean-"
"Don't interrupt me, okay! Ah'm trying to make myself heard!"
"Dean..."
"Shutit! Naw, as Ah wiz saying..."
"DEAN!" Scott shouted suddenly. "If this is the case, and you dislike America so much, why are you over here?"
Dean paused in mid-rant, he opened his mouth, then shut it. "Weel... There are some guid things aboot America, Ah suppose..."
"Go on..."
"Well, Car Talk is guid, as are peanut butter cups an' Oreo cookies. The Simpsons are okay..."
Kurt rolled his eyes. "You just have to admit it, Dean, as I did to myself. America may have many shortcomings, but there are some good things about it there and now."
Dean shrugged, an impressive feat for someone with wings, his tirade over. "Ah, you're probably right." His eyes brightened. "Like th' Grand Canyon, and Yosemite. Ditto wi' Mount Washington and Half-Dome."
Scott sighed and rolled his eyes. "I'll leave you, Dean to determine whether you like America on your own..." He left the room, bumping into Amara and Tabitha as he did so.
"Oh, hi girls. What's up?"
Tabitha shrugged. "Not much, we just heard that Dean was doing a good Abu Hamza impression over America, and we were going to check it out."
Scott looked back at the living room. "I'd say you just missed it." A thought struck him. "Have you seen Piter around the place?"
Amara rolled her eyes. "Yeah, we left Piter in the kitchen with the advice to go get a life. He's still in there, as far as I know."
Scott thanked them, and went to the kitchen he opened the door. He saw what was going on. He closed the door, his face as white as a sheet. He went back to Amara and Tabitha. "Girls? When you left Piter, what exactly did you tell him to do?"
Tabitha's forehead creased. "We told him to get a hobby... didn't we?" Amara nodded. "Yeah, that's what we said, why?"
Dean stared at the two girls. "You told him tae get a hobby?" He gulped. "Oh, dear..."
"He-llo, everybody!" Piter yelled, kicking the door open. Everybody in the room jumped, and hid behind some form of heavy furniture. The reason for this was because Piter was currently juggling two steak knives, three butcher knives, a bread knife and a cleaver.
"PITER, WHAT IN GOD'S NAME ARE YOU DOING?!" Eva screamed from behind the sofa.
"It's my new hobby." Piter replied. "Why, don't you like it? I could switch to chainsaws, if you liked..."
"PUT THOSE THINGS DOWN, NOW!" Eva yelled back.
"For God's sake, Eva, you don't need to yell, I'm standing right here." Piter retorted. "What's the big deal? Why are you all acting so nervous?"
"I dunno," Ray replied from under the coffee table. "There's something about immanent death that kinda freaks me out."
"Oh, don't be such a baby." Piter rebuked. He suddenly switched his juggling technique, so he was sending two blades up at once. "You're acting as if you have no confidence in my juggling abilities whatsoever!"
"That's cause we don't..." Tabitha said, moving slowly towards the open door. Piter looked at her, and he grinned, slowly. "Oh, Tabby..." He said, in a sing-song voice. "Don't move..."
Tabitha froze. "Piter... please tell me you are not about to..." There was a blur, and two knives had imbedded themselves on the wall that was behind Tabitha, one on either side. Tabitha's face had gone completely white.
Piter picked one of the knives from the cascade he had, and held it in a throwing position. "Tabitha... don't breath..." There was another blur, and the knife slammed into the wall, just over her head. Piter grinned. "Thanks for the suggestion of a hobby, Tabby, this is fun! It was also very generous the way you volunteered to be my target!"
"Actually..." Tabitha croaked. "I didn't..." There was four more blurs. Each of the blades smashed into the wall, the cleaver embedded just under her groin. Tabitha looked at where all the knives were. She then fainted.
Piter grinned at the stunned audience. "Well, what can I say, I'm no longer bored!" He turned to Amara. "I must thank both you and Tabby for giving me the suggestion for a hobby! Be sure to thank her once she wakes up!" He walked over to the wall, and pulled all the blades out, one after the other.
The entire room was quiet. Ray cleared his throat. "Tell me, Dean, you've known Piter the longest... Is he in the habit of throwing knives at people regularly?"
Dean pulled a very long face. "Be thankful he didnae start wan of his old hobbies, like javelin fencing or shot-putt catching." Scott opened his mouth. "Don't even ask, Scott. You don't want to know what he did. Let's just say that thanks to Piter, Ah now have a valid fear o' hula- hoops"
Scott rubbed his temples. "Everybody, here's a suggestion. Next time Piter's whining about being bored, just leave him to be bored, okay?"
"Why do you insist on punishing me like this, Lord?" Eva asked, tearfully. "Is it because I made that church in South Dakota implode? I didn't mean to!"