Well, here are two short introspective rambling thingys and a big, long, "tonight on NBC a very special episode of Friends" style thingy. Or ER. ER's better. I feel bad for not updating so this is very long. Verrrrrrrry long. At least for me. I'm sorry, I have a very busy life. So much crap, so little time. Well, have a nice day and I haven't gotten any reviews in a while so it would really make me happy to get a review. Thank you!
I can't write very long-I've got ten Gryffindors, three Hufflepuffs and a Ravenclaw coming to detention in about five minutes. Yes for obvious reasons I'm in a horrible mood. First of all I'm a goddamn alcoholic and Divertium Potions are only helping slightly. And second of all, now that I've finally got someone who supposedly loves me I discover just how scarred for life I truly am by Glenn. There's something seriously wrong with my screwed up brain. God she must be pissed at me. And all those things I said about suicide...I was just incredibly drunk. That's one of those things I'd only consider if I was smashed out of my mind. I was just being very, very melodramatic. That's all there is to it. And I was still drunk when I wrote that entry, too, that why it's only semi-coherent. Honestly. But I wonder if maybe...no. I've already been through the whole half-assed suicide attempt thing, badly made potions and poorly said spells. Eventually I just figured that I'd die soon enough and left it at that. Dammit, I almost killed Potter today. Yes, he'll be joining me in detention today. He had made this so-called "hilarious" drawing of Draco, presumably in order to get some action from Granger, if they're not going out they may as well be. Bastards. I'm sorry, I'm just really, really pissed.
You know what? I just learned something. Well, more like six hours ago. Forget it, I don't care when I figured it out but I figured it out. I have no mirrors. I was looking for one, thinking of maybe-I don't know, making myself somewhat presentable for some goddamn reason, maybe for Minerva, who really knows. And I had none. Well, whatever, no difference. I'm so pathetic, a disgusting old man with no willpower who's afraid of the opposite sex. God, I wish I was drunk right now. At least I think I do. Minerva's not even trying to touch me, I don't know what the hell's going on in her head. Well, I don't really want to talk to her so I suppose that it's for the best. Oh my god, it's one in the morning and I think I'm going insane. I'm doing the outside-my-body thing, where I'm watching myself writing this. Isn't that disturbing? I need to sleep, but I don't think I'll be able to. I don't want to be on too many potions at once and get sick or anything. I think I hate myself or something. Well, duh. I've been hyper-aware of everything all day long, everything about myself. Which I am slowly learning is like a private hell. Screw it, I'll drink ten cauldrons of Dreamless Sleep if that's what it takes.
Minerva came in at about two-thirty. I'd probably taken much more than the recommended dosage of Dreamless Sleep and my eyes were still stuck open. She came in and sat down the bed next to me and I was sitting up and I must have flinched because she got up.
"Can I touch you?"
"I don't know..."
"Can I touch your hair?"
"I don't want you to."
"Why not?"
"It's disgusting." She sighed, and rolled her eyes, and probably thought that I was just trying to get attention or something.
"It is not. I hope you know that." I didn't say anything. "If not, then you'll have to take my word for it. Well, then, what do you want me to do?"
"I want you to...sit on the opposite end of the bed and just look."
"Look at you?"
"I guess."
"Ummmmm.....okkkaaayyyy...." She obliged. I felt like such an asshole.
"I'm...I'm not trying to be an asshole....or anything....."
"No, no, you're not, you're just going through a lot right now and we need to work this out together...." She was more mumbling to herself than talking to me.
"Minerva, god, I'm sorry....why aren't you asleep?"
"Oh, yeah, I was sleeping....but then I woke up....and I wanted to check on you!" She smiled, and I could tell that she'd been getting about as much sleep as I've been getting. She stopped smiling. "When I graduated from Hogwarts...I started dating the most beautiful Muggle boy...he was so tall, and he always laughed...but then he decided, or his parents decided probably, that he didn't want a witch girlfriend and he moved to New York or San Francisco or something, I forget, he never kept in touch...and I wanted to marry him....and I hadn't loved anyone for so long after him....then you...."
"Am as good as him?" I'm still not sure why I asked that.
"Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Besides, I don't love him anymore."
"Do you love me?"
"Yes! It's just....I don't know what to do about it! Listen, it's....remember when you hugged me? Can't you do that again? You won't even let me touch you! Is it because I pushed you?" She got this eureka-moment look on her face. "Did somebody push you around? When you were a little kid, I mean?" I was so tired, I couldn't stop the words coming out of my mouth. They just flowed, like saliva or something. Well, that's a disgusting metaphor.
"Yes, but that's not it. Not most of it." She leaned forward. I felt sort of like a kid whose parents just found him looking at pictures of naked women. Not sure where that one came from, either.
"Then what is it?" I started to cry then. God, I was tired. Not drunk, mind you, just so, so dead tired. I haven't slept more than a total of an hour a night for the last two nights. "Severus, remember that I love you! Just remember that!"
"He said that. That's what he said, and he didn't. I know he didn't, I know that now."
"Who's he?"
"Guh...." I didn't want to say it. I can barely write it. "Glenn! He raped me! He raped me for years! Years and years! Seven to thirteen! Once a week! He only missed it four times! I COUNTED!!!!!!" I was still sitting down. I didn't have the energy to get up because I was using it all screaming and crying and the like. Then I just sort of dissolved into sobs. After about two minutes of crying I could feel a hand on my back. And that was exactly what I wanted. And it was all that I wanted, and for the next half hour it was all I felt. Then I started to calm down a little, and I looked up, and she was crying too, very sincerely.
"You should sleep."
"I should. I should sleep."
"Just lie down, and I'll lie down next to you. I won't touch you if you don't...."
"That would be nice." And I fell asleep, and I slept for about....oh, fourteen hours, somehow.