Well, hope you like it when Snape cries….
Now that I'm in a mental ward it feels like I have an excuse to cry at completely random times. Let's see…..the nurse with big feet (I really should learn their names) smiled at me this morning and I started to cry because I missed Minerva, Halvard tried to get me to talk about why I freaked out and I started sobbing because I really didn't want to go through it, I read Draco's letter and it was just so incredibly sad that I started crying again, and…well, that was it for the day. I'm really falling apart here, but I suppose since I'm here it's not bad to cry. Poor Draco. He's actually honestly concerned about me, he hopes I'll come and talk to him when I get back, he thanked me profusely for getting him onto the Auror path….I just wish Minerva would come. I miss her. I really, honestly, miss her. She just makes me feel a bit better when she shows up. She's the light at the end of the tunnel. God, I hope I won't freak out when we attempt to have sex. It's been a pathetically long time, and I'm not sure if I want anyone touching me. I'm scared, and it's stupid. It used to be easier. It wasn't much fun, but it was easier because I was drunk and I didn't really know the girls. But with Minerva….Glenn loved me, or at least he thought he did in his own horrible disgusting way, and he treated me like I was his lover except it was the most sickening and terrifying thing ever. It's really hard to explain. He'd tell me that he loved me, and I hated it. He'd be "gentle," and I despised it. Dammit, I'm crying again. Halvard says that it's good, I'm confronting my feelings, but I think if it happens enough they'll keep me here longer and I'm slated to get out in two days. Dumbledore's supposed to visit tomorrow. God, I know. It's going to be awful. Sometimes I hate that man. Good Headmaster, great Headmaster even, but obnoxious person. He's always tried to "fix" me, but it seems like he's never done it right. I know he thinks I'm a lesser being because I have problems. Prick. Sometimes I can't wait until he kicks the bucket or (like that'll ever happen) retires because then Minerva will become the Headmaster. She may be Head of Gryffindor, but she's not biased like Dumbledore.
Wow, I really am psychotic. Halvard came in, again, like he had absolutely nothing better to do.
"Halvard, you really don't need to keep bothering me like this." He smiled. It disturbed me.
"Maybe if you opened up I wouldn't keep bothering you so much…." I gave in. I realized that he was right.
"Okay. Fire away, Halvard. I'm not going anywhere."
"All right, then, let's cut to the chase….why do you think your breakdown happened when it did?"
"I don't know….I honestly have no clue."
"You'd just come back from seeing a psychiatrist, am I correct?"
"In a sense….it wasn't satisfactory. He was both incompetent and apathetic."
"How were you feeling when you left the psychiatrist's?"
"I don't know…..disappointed, maybe. Angry."
"Did you feel like you had no options left?" Aaaaannnnddd that's when I started to cry. God, it's really pathetic what's been happening to me lately.
"Yes."
"So why do you think you fell apart like that?"
"Because I didn't know what else to do."
"Why did you stab yourself with the quill?"
"I, uh….I just wanted to hurt myself….."
"Why?"
"Because…because…oh, god….I really hate myself. I hated myself then, hated myself for not appreciating the shrink and for making Minerva angry and……"
"Yes?"
"And for screwing up my entire life. For being such a piece of shit…." He looked into my eyes. It sounds creepy, but it wasn't.
"Severus, you suffer from a medical condition known as depression. Do you accept that?"
"It's what people tell me. I suppose I accept it. What's to accept?"
"It can be triggered by events, but its main cause is chemical imbalances in the brain. It's Muggle science that I admittedly do not understand. Muggles are way ahead of us in the treatment and diagnosis of depression."
"How are you going to treat it?"
"Therapy, certainly, but….would you consider trying Muggle medicine? It works quite well. There are potions currently in development, but….please consider it."
"What the hell. I doubt it'll help, though."
"And why is that?" I had only recently stopped crying, and at this point recommenced bawling.
"This is me, Halvard. This is who I am. You can't take away my self-loathing, you can't take away my urges to drink, you can't take away my anger, and you certainly can't make Glenn disappear."
"Do you want to talk about Glenn?"
"Why? It's all in my journal. You already read it."
"Okay, then, never mind. Severus…..I think you should stay here for another five days. I can get you started on the Muggle drugs and get a real therapy regimen going. What do you think?"
"Sure. I think I need to stay here longer."
"Great. You're making real progress already, Severus." Then he left. I can't believe I agreed to stay here any longer. Bastard wormed it out of me when I was incapacitated. If Minerva doesn't come soon I think I'm going to have another breakdown. I'm kidding. God, I swear, I'm kidding.