If you write fiction, you'll know what I mean when I talk about ideas that come from completely out of nowhere. It was 1 AM when I started writing this chapter, and the whole bundt cake thing just popped out from the disturbed recesses of my mind. I haven't eaten a bundt cake in at least a year, I think I saw one at Panera Bread a few days ago but…..come on, I have better things to think about than bundt cake. At the time of my writing this, I thought it was very deep and well written and insightful, but now that I think about it….meh, who really cares?
Minerva came eventually, thank God. She brought bundt cake, which is a truly hilarious food. I'm sure she was testing me with that bundt cake, trying to see if I'd find it funny and laugh about it because that would prove that I was getting better. I didn't laugh, though. Hey, at least I acknowledged that it's just a funny food. Come on, even depressed people like me have to recognize that bundt is a hysterical word. I may not find it funny, but there's just no arguing with it. The hilarity of bundt cake is unavoidable, it's a simple fact that bundt cake is funny, period. I think this is how I realized that Halvard wasn't just blatantly lying to me about my being depressed. See, when I was a teenager, I would have laughed at the bundt cake. And there was a period after the war and before Potter came to Hogwarts when I most likely would have laughed at the bundt cake. But now….it just doesn't seem funny, even though I know that it is. When you use the Bundt Cake Case Study, the brain chemical thing makes more sense. Anyways, I digress. Minerva set the bundt cake down, practically leaped like….um, a cat onto my bed, and kissed me hard. It was pretty much out of nowhere, and when something like that happens there's usually a reason behind it.
"Minerva….what was that for?"
"What do you mean, what was it for? I love you….isn't that enough?"
"Are you trying to convince yourself that you love me?" She frowned and looked down. "Minerva, I didn't mean it like that……" She glanced up at me and smiled.
"I know you didn't."
"I'm staying here for five more days, Minerva. My decision. And I'll be trying Muggle medicine….."
"I know. It's all great. I talked to Halvard." That pissed me off for some godforsaken reason.
"You did what? You're talking about me behind my back? Discussing my condition like I'm in a coma? That's lovely. That's courteous."
"Severus, he doesn't tell me anything that he doesn't tell you. And I'm sure he doesn't tell me everything you tell him, because he doesn't tell me a lot." I sighed. The whole idea of it just bothered me at the time. "Severus, please don't take this the wrong way since I'm just ranting…but…..I always try to make you happy, Severus. You know that I do. And whatever it takes to make you happy, I'll do it. It's exhausting, and sometimes it seems futile but I have hope and I try. I love you so much, Severus….please try, just try, to appreciate what I'm trying to do for you." She started to cry. I was petrified for about five seconds, just frozen. Suddenly, it came to me. I needed to be strong. I couldn't always be the one being comforted. It was an entirely inappropriate relationship. I put my arm around her shoulders. I tried to say something, I don't know what, but I really couldn't speak. Then I gave up and started to cry too. There we were, boyfriend and girlfriend sitting in a tiny hospital bed sobbing our eyes out together for no apparent reason. Minerva stopped crying after about two minutes, but I couldn't stop. It was scary. I was worried that I was going to have another breakdown. Maybe that was another breakdown. It doesn't matter. I lost track of time. Neither one of us was speaking. Eventually, the nurse with big feet came in. She opened the door rather abruptly, which probably shocked me out of my crying jag.
"Severus? Is everything all right in here?"
"I'm fine."
"Are you sure? Would you like me to get Halvard?"
"No. Goodbye." She left with a pitying/condescending look on her face that made me want to rip her overlarge feet off and shove them down her throat. Minerva turned to me.
"You're sure you're all right, Severus?"
"Yes…but I'm sorry, Minerva. Sorry I'm not more…I don't know, more supportive, more of a real man. I'm so sorry."
"Severus, never say that you're not a real man. You are. You might not be macho, and you might not be perfect, but you are a man, and a wonderful man." I realized that I had run out of tears, and took advantage of the situation.
"Minerva….why do you love me now? Why do you love me when I stab myself with quills and end up in hospital wards and cry all the time and never smile and make you feel like a failure…..how can you love me when I'm like this? Nobody else can. Nobody else can even stand me." She got that passionate-cause look, like there were little tiny fires burning behind each of her eyes. There's all the intensity of fire, but there's all the warmth too.
"That's not true. There's Dumbledore, and Draco, and all the other teachers, and all of your Slytherins…..the Slytherins miss you, Severus, they miss your presence and your protection."
"I don't want to argue….I just want your answer……"
"Severus, I love you because under that shell of depression there's a beautiful, caring, witty, brilliant, and incredibly attractive human being. I can see it, because I've caught glimpses of it in the time I've known you. I know it's there, it's all there, even if you don't know it…..I want to get it out there, Severus, out in the open. I want everyone to know what I know. Most of all, I want you to know what I know." I didn't know what to say, so I just kissed her. It seemed like the right thing to do. I meant to rest on her lips for a couple seconds, maybe stick my tongue in for good measure, but once I realized what I was doing I pulled away instinctively. She smiled.
"Minerva….would you mind cutting me some of that bundt cake? I'm damn hungry." So we ate the bundt cake in silence, just staring at each other. She had to leave, and now I don't know how I feel but hopefully I'll figure it out eventually.