Day 345
He's honestly astonished that there's so much water within him. He's sacrificed blood to this dusty world before, sweated under the merciless suns, but his tears he has always kept to himself. He thought that made him strong, now he wonders if he has been wrong.
He cried in his brothers arms all day, weeping for… he doesn't know quite what for. For Pete? For Vash? For himself? He knows only that there is pain, deep pain that he has kept inside for so long he can hardly remember a time without it.
He wonders if his heart was broken then; if he has cried out his entire soul, for it seems that he feels nothing now, not pain, not anger, not pride, not even love. He just feels emptiness, a hollow aching in his chest and stomach.
Will he ever be the same again?
No, no he will not. He's cried in front of his brother, he's been weak in front of Vash, he has shed tears for a Human. How can he ever be the same again?
He is alone in his room once again, a situation which is both good and bad, a blessing and a curse.
Darkness has fallen outside, the light of the scarred red moon spills into his chamber casting dark crimson shadows upon the walls. He slept for a while, when the tears ran out, more exhausted than he's ever been before. When he awoke he felt different, felt the hollowness.
But what was he crying for? How did he lose it, this emotional armour he'd built, his pride and rage, the things which made him strong, which set him apart from his constantly blubbering brother?
With nothing else to do, he casts his mind back for the answer, tries to think about how it started…
The SEEDS ship… yes, it started there.
He'd cried then, of course, when he was much younger, for surely every baby cried for food and caring and love, it was only natural. That was different.
He'd cried in pain, too, Steve had made sure of that, but again that was a different sort of tear, a natural reaction, one almost impossible to fight off.
But to cry in sorrow, to let forth such emotion, to make oneself vulnerable… he'd stopped that because of Vash.
Vash had always been the weak one, Rem's baby, words and fists seemed to cause him so much more pain, which in turn caused Knives pain.
He remembered nights of sitting besides his brother, comforting him, trying to make it all better, promising to make it all better, hiding his own tears so that Vash wouldn't be even more upset. That would only make things worse, after all.
He was Vash's big brother, big brothers didn't cry.
Big boys didn't seem to cry, either.
He'd noticed that in Rem, she cried quite a lot and her crew mates had joked about it often, laughing at her sentimentalism, perhaps causing her more pain. Knives related to this even then, Steve always seemed to take more pleasure when he knew he'd made him cry.
Tears were weakness, tears were human, he would not cry.
And he was better than that, better than human. Rem had said so herself, he and Vash were angels, sent from heaven to protect the ship, better than human, so he had to be strong.
Yes, that is why. He would be strong, strong for his brother and for himself, strong in spite of Steve and the cruel humans. He would use pride as his armour, pride that he was right, that the humans would not crush him.
Not that Vash had shown any real gratitude, that is. He never appreciated his sacrifices.
He recalled the first time they'd fought, really fought.
It had been after the butterfly incident and Vash had knocked him over, had been angry at him, and had hurt him!
He'd only killed the spider, after all, he knew how much Vash loved butterflies, surely it was better he did the deed and saved Vash the pain, saved him from having to choose. He couldn't let the spider kill the butterfly, it would make Vash cry. What was the sacrifice of one insect for his brother's tears? Humans made similar choices all the time, eating an apple, stealing the child of the tree so that they could live. It was the natural order of things, that the superior life forms must destroy the weaker, so they themselves could live.
And Vash had repaid him with violence, had hurt him!
Why? Why did Vash always hurt him? Why did he abandon him when he tried so hard to keep them together? Why did he spurn all attempts at protection and safely when it was Vash that so desperately needed that protection? Why was it that he would refuse to kill a human, even the worst of humans, but would happily spill his own brother's blood? Well, maybe not happily, but there was some grim irony in the fact that the first person Vash had ever shot, to Knives knowledge, was him, his own brother, the person who loved him most in all the world.
Yes, that is where some anger came from, anger at being helpless, at being spurned, at being hurt and at being alone. Always alone.
He'd known he wasn't human for a very long time, since he was a child in fact. He'd known he was different, had it drilled into him by Steve.
He and Vash were like nothing else, not human, not Plant.
He'd never understood how Vash had been able to cope with it, to act so human. Oh, he'd cried at Steve's accusations, had worried about their predicament, but always Vash would return to Rem, return to the humans with a smile on his face and a song in his heart, had forgiven the humans their trespasses, and had loved them.
Knives had tried to turn to the Plants for company; though his communication with them was very limited he found some acceptance in their alien eyes. That was when he'd first learned about the butterfly and the spider, about the unfairness of it that ones species should be trapped alone in a bulb, whilst another fed of its very life force, killing it. That the parasite should feed upon the angel, it was against the natural order of things.
Sometimes he'd felt that way himself, like he was trapped in a tiny bubble whilst the crew of the SEEDS ship watched him, fed off his knowledge, off his very being. A beautiful butterfly, pinned down for amusement.
They'd dragged him and his brother down, anyway, trying to make them carbon copies of themselves. He saw it in the way Rem cut Vash's hair, cut it in the shape and form of her dead lovers, tried to make him human, to drag him down from his rightful place. She'd modelled Vash after the dead Alex, and she would have done the same to him, tried to make him the perfect human, taken away all individuality. Disgusting.
Knives had little desire to be human anyway and had born little love for anyone on the SEEDS ship, certainly not after being at the tender mercies of Steve.
He'd been close to Rem, of course and aside for her obvious favouritism of Vash and her sentimental, dreamer attitude; he'd cared for her quite a bit. Mary and Rowan had been mere figures in the background; he'd scarcely cared one way or another about them, though he had admired Rowan scientific knowledge.
The Captain, Joey, he'd rather liked. Once again he'd admired his willingness to do whatever was necessary to protect his crew and ship, his strength of character and his over all fairness. Once he'd wanted to let him live, too, for he'd always been kind to him and Vash, he'd been the one to teach him that important lesson, how it was right to make the smallest sacrifice to protect the larger goal. But towards the end, when he'd regretted opening the air lock to save Rem and them, he'd seen the truth. The Captain was just another sentimental human, weak, spineless, probably more eager to save Rem than Vash or Knives.
Besides, it had been only proper that the captain should have gone down with the ship.
He had been the first man Knives had killed with his own two hands, the first test of his resolve and his strength. He'd passed.
That just left Steve, the first person who Knives had seen die. His first taste of human death. Watching that… creature, beg and plead at his trial had given Knives a certain sense of satisfaction, of justice.
That memory brought him to the present for a moment, strange that he'd been so happy to see a comparatively innocent man die, and so grieved to see a guilty man live. Perhaps that meant he had a strong sense of justice?
He snorts to himself.
Justice, what did that word mean to the humans? The only justice they had ever known was that of the survival of the fittest, kill or be killed; it was the only law that mattered to them.
Something was bothering him though, something about the two court cases, the only examples of justice he'd ever known.
Did he really grieve for him, for Pete? What was it about that human he'd liked so much, when he'd spurned all other such creatures?
He had been intelligent, surely, he had a respect for Plants, he had been simply spoken, straight forward and relatively composed. He was… he had been… he'd been a little like Steve.
That thought sends Knives gasping, plunged him into shock, though he knows that it was true. The two men did have much in common, so why was it one was such a monster and the other… the other was… nice?
There was the simple fact that Pete had been tolerant of Knives, had treated him as a fellow being, not with coddling, or intolerance, but with respect. He'd always been open minded and he'd never hurt Knives.
But he'd hurt Vash, he'd hit him, he'd treated Vash with intolerance.
Knives wonders if this is how his brother feels, if his brother secretly despises Pete, but hid it away. Perhaps it was Vash who committed the crime, who killed Pete and framed the boy for the murder… perhaps Vash was jealous and…
No, no that is not true. It cannot be. Vash simply isn't capable of such actions and even if he was then Knives would sense it. Besides, the boy admitted guilt and Vash has plenty of friends aside from Pete, he could have used any other different means to drag him and Knives apart. No, this is not of Vash's doing. It couldn't be.
But the question remained that if Pete was like Steve, if he was even as violent as Steve at one point, what made him different?
He changed his opinion.
That is the answer, Knives knows, when faced with truth, when shown that he was wrong about Vash, Pete put away his pride and admitted defeat, admitted that he had been wrong and tried to move passed it.
Steve hadn't, Steve had been too full of anger and pride and jealousy to think of him and Vash as anything other than monsters, he'd spurned all the evidence otherwise.
Yet, if this was true, if this was right, then wasn't Knives guilty of the same thing? Hadn't he put a barrier of pride and anger between himself and the world, trying to protect himself from hurt, trying to save his brother pain?
He'd seen things, many things, which Vash had maintained proved that the human race wasn't all evil, that it was worthy of its existence. Yet each time Knives had spurned that argument, had ignored it, and had dismissed it. Was that a sign of his own pride? His own stubborn resilience to see what was put in front of him?
In trying to protect himself and his brother from people like Steve, had he become Steve?
Had he been wrong? After all this time, all this effort, pain, anger, after all of it had he been wrong?
The last sands of surely fell between his metaphysical fingers, leaving him clasping at nothing. Not even straws.
So, this was it. After a century this was where he was, alone, hurting, unsure, afraid and farther away from Eden than ever. A century of trying and trying to reach Eden, and he had lost it all. He hadn't even made the first footsteps on the journey.
He'd gained nothing but lost so much.
So, in his room, Knives curled upon his side in the foetal position, lost within the emptiness of his life.
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Note: OK, now Fanfiction Net has asked its writers not to use "chat or keyboard dialogue" in the authors notes. Can someone tell me what that is and if I can avoid it? I'd rather not have this story pulled… If it means not replying with the kind of tone/detail I've been using thus far then they can screw it, quite honestly, because I've got no other way/place I can reply to you guys, and after writing this much I think I'm entitled to some conversation. Besides, notes like this is where a writer learns what his/her strengths and weaknesses are, which is half the bleeding point of FFN, right? But yeah, info welcome. Thanks! And now…
Reader's Replies:
Magnet Rose: I seem to be making a lot of people cry… I don't know whether to be happy about it or not… mmm… thanks for still reading this, much appreciated. I hope this chapter was interesting too.
Zolac No Miko: Oh… my... Um... wow. When I saw how many reviews I got I was shocked and VERY happy. So lots of hugs to you! Thanks so much for reviewing all my chapters, with this I might reach past the 200 mark on my reviews by the time this is over, that'd be cool! Well, because you've written so much I'll write and E-mail back to you! Because, to be honest, I don't like it when my notes are longer than my chapter! But thanks so much for your support, please keep reviewing!
Ron The Future Weasel: About time he cried, eh? Come on, we all knew it, all Knives ever wanted was a nice big hug! :giggle: sorry, girly moment there. I hope the musings in this chapter were good, please let me know what you think!
ATO: Glad to hear it! (:
SanoGirl: Yep, that was a VERY important moment for Knives. It's taken him a long time to heal, but he's starting, at last he's starting… heh… and he's realizing he's not quite all powerful after all…
Angelstryke: First things first… HURRY UP AND FINISH THE DAMN STORY! :ahem: sorry, I'm suffering withdrawl symptoms from you fic, gods knows there isn't much other good fic around at the moment. ): Anyway, I'm very glad it didn't come off as cheesy, there's gonna be some huge leaps and bounds made in the next few chapters, I'm kinda worried that I've ruined him… I don't think I have, I've tried to keep him Knives but still… Yeah, maybe it was lenient but there it goes, I just wasn't sure and it sounded reasonable at the time. It doesn't matter much anyway. Complete? Well… uh… nearly. Sorry but there it is, this fic is on the final section now. Don't worry, there's a fair bit to go, but it is drawing to a close. So keep reading!
Aoi: Legato cried in the manga? Cool. I don't think Knives ever cries in the Anime. Or, to be more accurate, he never sheds a tear. He cries out in anger and he screams in pain, but I don't recall ever seeing any moisture involved. The only time in the Anime where he's ever truly, really upset is just after Vash shoots him for the first time. Damn, I love that part because he looks so very, very, very sad, you know? And he's screaming so desperately for Vash but Vash just runs… very sad. Anyway, yes he does try far, far too hard to be strong in my opinion.
Communist Penguin: Yay! I'm an emotive writer! Go me!!! What else to say… not much really… Did you like this chapter too?
TeaRoses: I've got to say, I'm rather chuffed with the God bit too. I don't know why but, once again, it felt very… Knivesish, if you know what I mean. It's so wonderful be told I'm doing Knives well, I'm always so self conscious about this. And I'm on another favorite's list? Awesome! How many favorite lists is this story ON now? I must find out, it'd be great advertising! (:
NEXT TIME: At last… forget the guns… forget the bullets… it's time for the real Vash/Knives confrontation. After 130 years they… talk. Last time it was their bodies which were in peril. Now, sitting alone and finally working through their problems, it is their minds… and their very souls which they risk…
(Ooh, that was dramatic, wasn't it?)