In this chapter, Snapey gets all introspective-like. I like writing these chapters. They're really fun for me, because I like entering the depths of other peoples' creepy little minds like that. Does that make me weird? Hell, I'm already about as weird as one person can possibly be.
Last night there was a thunderstorm. It was pretty short and crappy, but at least it gave me an excuse for a nostalgia trip. When I was little, and there was a thunderstorm, I used to lie there in my bed and pretend that I could control the thunder and lightning. Even back then I couldn't control anything. I've never really had control over anything. My whole life I've never had enough willpower to prevent from getting shoved into things. I got shoved into the Death Eaters, I got shoved into my job at Hogwarts, I'm an alcoholic which I suppose is the ultimate loss of control……I've always tried to control whatever I could. That's usually been the students. At least I'm supposed to control them. I try, but it doesn't always work. I know that many of the students despise me…..I really don't care, as long as I can have power over them. It perturbs me to no end when students like Potter don't accept my authority. I just want to be able to have some control….some power, just a little bit. It seems like I've never been able to take the initiative in anything, at any point in my life. I never stopped anything the other Death Eaters were doing because I really couldn't bring myself to do it. I'd just watch, never say anything, just watch and feel like a loser because I knew I really shouldn't be there at all and shouldn't be a part of this Death Eater thing but I just couldn't drag myself out of it….I finally did, thank god, but I was shoved into that too. I'd reached the limit of what I could handle. I had to reach the limit before I did anything. I remember when I came to Dumbledore. I showed up at Hogwarts, so drunk I could barely walk, and started sobbing all of my problems to him. He told me that the only solution was for me to be a double agent. I had to appear in front of the Order before they accepted me…I don't want to go through it. I was humiliated, to say the least. They kept asking why I'd joined and why I hadn't come to them earlier and I didn't have an answer, I didn't know, I couldn't say, and they just kept pressing until Dumbledore told them to lay off me and nobody wanted to. Especially James. He just couldn't let it go. Lily looked absolutely furious, like she was totally disappointed in me…but what did she expect? And Sirius seemed to think it was all very funny. He didn't say anything, but I knew it was all quite amusing to him. He always liked it best when he could make me cry. On another note, I started on the Muggle drugs today. Apparently they'll take a while to kick in…if they even do work. Nice. In two days, I have to go back to Hogwarts. I have to start brewing my own potions again (which I prefer anyways), I have to make small talk with all of the teachers about my little "relaxation getaway," and I have to teach classes again. I've fabricated these details about my fictional vacation—
-I was visiting my aunt in Chicago.
-I didn't do that much sightseeing, but I did visit the Sears Tower.
-I spent most of my time sleeping.
That should cover it. Halvard got me to talk about Glenn today…for a little while…I mean, he already knew from reading my journal, so there really wasn't much to say. Besides, I really can't talk about it for all that long. I'm scared to leave the hospital. I know it's stupid, but it's true. It's easy to be healthy when you're in a hospital…I'm worried that when I get back to Hogwarts I won't eat and take too many Sleeping Potions and treat Minerva badly and (god forbid) start drinking again. I can't really trust myself. Now I understand that I have people to fall back on…Minerva, obviously, but Dumbledore too. I can't believe I opened up to Albus like that. I guess I'm susceptible to that "father" crap. And he was being honest. Finally he admitted that he didn't like me when I was a student. I don't really want to ponder why he didn't like me, I'll just leave it at that because I trust him now. I just need to write down that I want a drink very badly. I've been attempting to push it out of my head, but it's true. I'm going to go through the rest of my life wanting a drink. Maybe, eventually, it won't be this urgent. Maybe someday I'll be able to get it out of my head. Who knows?