Day 346
The world when he awakes is a strange, hazy place, he wonders if he is still dreaming. His dreams have been strong and powerful, though he scarcely remembers them now. He thinks he recalls a mountain with thousands of paths winding their way up it. Rem was there, and so was Vash, though he doesn't recall if he talked to them or what exact part they played in his dream.
He feels that he is not alone and with a tentative push of his mind, he senses that Vash is in the room with him. His presence is probably what woke Knives up.
'Are you thirsty?' he asks and Knives nods, for he has been sleeping and weeping for a long while now.
He takes the glass of water from Vash's hands and drinks, though not too eagerly. He cannot find the enthusiasm, the hope to keep his body alive.
With his pride, rage and drive gone he feels as he did all those many months ago, apathetic, careless, a dead man walking. The only emotion left to him is sadness and a terrible, terrible guilt.
'It's good to see you awake,' says Vash, grinning, 'I thought you'd be asleep forever!'
His grin makes Knives blanch; it's one of those grins he's managed to perfect over a century of pain. A grin so empty it hurts to look upon, it's the smile of a man who has experienced so much torment that he knows not what to do except smile because screaming does nothing but hurt those around him. It is, perhaps, the armour Vash wares to protect others, his own way of hiding and dealing with being hurt.
Knives wonders if he could use it himself, but he doesn't think so. Besides, he doubts that it would be any good to him; it probably does Vash few favours.
He has been the cause of it; he has been the one to give Vash that pain, to force him to don that laughing, smiling armour.
It has led to this at last; almost one hundred and thirty three years of his life have been for nothing. His existence, nothing, his search for Eden, nothing.
He sees that now and he feels… peaceful. It is almost over, almost finished with all questions answered and all answers disregarded. Now there are only a few last things to discover, to discuss before it is finished, before everything comes to a head and everything comes to nothing.
'Vash,' croaks Knives.
'Yes?'
'I… I'm sorry.'
Vash does not reply, either to accept or refuse the apology. He merely sits there, gazing at his brother, his aqua eyes calm and impenetrable. Knives sees the question there, the question that has always been there.
'I tried to do it to save you,' he says, 'I didn't want you to feel pain, I didn't want you to be alone or crying. I just wanted you to be happy, to be with me. The humans seemed so evil, so cruel. I couldn't stand them hurting my baby brother, I couldn't stand the idea they'd make you feel such pain… such suffering…'
'You caused me ultimate suffering,' replies Vash, his voice smooth and quiet, 'you took away my arm, you used me, hurt those around me, and you hurt me when you wanted to save me? Why?'
'I was cruel to be kind. I thought you needed to be shown the way, I thought… I thought you would always love me, no matter what pain I caused you. I thought it was better that you feel torment at my hand than at the humans. I thought you'd come round, that you'd understand and so we could be together in Eden. I used you because I needed you, I thought once we were in Eden it would all get better, you'd understand.'
'But you tried to kill me.'
'Yes… when I realized you would never see things the way I do. I thought… I thought it was better you die at my hand; die honestly, than die at the hand of a human. I thought it was better that you have something, that you have paradise, than nothing at all. I thought that if I couldn't give you Eden, then I'd give you Heaven. I thought I was doing it for you.'
'But you were doing it for yourself.'
'… Yes, I think so. I've always been alone, Vash. You managed to find love with the humans but I… I've never had anyone except you. I was frightened of loosing you. Tired of being alone'
'You're not alone, even without me. If you're willing to let them in then the humans can be your friends too, if you just give them a chance.'
'I don't know,' he sighs, 'I still think they're dangerous, I still hate them for what they're doing to our people but… but maybe they aren't all bad, maybe they could learn to accept us. I don't know if I can yet, but I think that perhaps… perhaps I was wrong.'
'I see.'
Silence takes over the small room, the two brothers sitting in still contemplation. At last Knives speaks, his voice dull and quiet.
'Vash… I know there's nothing I can do to take it back. I don't think I can carry on like this… I've nothing… no reason to continue except… except…'
'Yes?'
'Many months ago you said… you said this wasn't about saving me. What is it about saving, then?'
A small, empty smile crosses Vash's face, 'so egotistical, Knives. I suppose I lied a little, I guess I am trying to save you, but not just you. I want to save me, too. You made me kill someone, Knives, the least I owe his spirit is to look after you, perhaps I can redeem myself that way too.'
'Legato…' Knives whispers, his voice seeming to carry unusually well in the room.
Vash says nothing, he just nods, his hands twisting in his lap.
'I suppose I've caused a lot of pain in my life, too much to ever mend.'
'Don't say that, Knives. The ticket to the future is always blank, for us more than anyone. We're practically immortal, we can make to much difference in the world, do so much good. If you do that, maybe you can make things up to them, to those you killed, to me, to Legato…'
'I'm not sure I have the strength. Besides, I doubt I could stomach going out amongst the humans spreading 'love and peace.' I'm willing to believe they're not all evil, but I hardly love them with your fervour.'
'But you're accepting that you might be wrong, that there are more paths, more tickets to the future. That's a start. I didn't see that, once. I mean, I knew it was true, but I never applied it to myself. I thought love and peace was the only way but it isn't. I still think it's the best, it's still the path I walk, but I can see other people make their own paths too, they have their own tickets. So long as they don't interfere with other people's future, then they have a right to their own destiny, like I've a right to my own destiny. I never wanted to convert you Knives, I just wanted to show you that there are more ways, different paths. Do you understand?'
Knives cocks his head curiously, 'I think so,' he says, 'though it isn't exactly clear. It doesn't make any difference anyway; I've done so much… Vash… I have to know something.'
There is a desperate earnestness in his voice, an intenseness that shows his sentiments; his emotions are close to the surface.
'Yes?' asks Vash, undoubtedly aware how fragile the situation is.
'Vash do you… after all that's happened, all that I've done, tell me please do… do you still love me?'
Vash turns away from him, looks towards the small window of his bedroom. The sunlight paints his skin golden, highlights his blond hair. His eyes are lost in reflection, his lips still with contemplation.
'I love everyone,' he says at last, 'you know that, Knives.'
'Vash…' Knives says, or rather tries to say though only air comes out of his gently open mouth, the soft sound of a heart breaking. He's heard the emptiness in Vash's words, understands the sentiment. The pleading in eyes conveys his message to Vash, no words or telepathy are needed. They are beyond that, these two broken brothers.
'You took everything away from me,' says Vash at last, his voice is choked with sobs, gentle tears run down his pale cheeks, 'you took my family, my arm, my closest friends, you tried to take my soul from me, even my very life. I want to love you despite it all; I want to love you because you did it all because you love me! But I don't think I can. I don't hate you, because if I hated you then I'd be as bad as you and everyone's death, Rem's, Wolfwood's, Legato's, would all be for nothing. I can't hate anyone, but I can't love you either. I'm not sure I can love any one single person any more, to be honest. I've worked so hard at loving everyone I… I think if I loved one person then everyone else would matter a little less and that way I'd learn to hate, I'd make mistakes. It's funny, I don't hate, and I don't love. I don't suppose I feel much of anything any more, not really. I'm sorry.'
He turns to face Knives, tears drying on his face and he grins. Not an empty smile, it's a smile that reaches into his heart, yet it is empty anyway. It's the smile of love that's been spread so far it is shallow, almost meaningless.
'I guess you did break me after all, Knives,' he says, 'just not in the way you thought you had.'
Knives is silent for a moment, tears slowly drip down his face so he bows his head, he's still awkward with his grief.
Then he raises his head and gives a harsh, bitter laugh, 'so that is it,' he says, 'its over, all these years and it's done. We've destroyed each other, we've gone too far. There's nothing left.'
'Don't be stupid brother,' admonishes Vash, 'you heard what I said, the ticket to the future is always open. Eden's still out there, but now we're going to go there together! We can save each other, Knives; we can find the way… if you're willing.'
Knives looks up at his brother, seeing him as he really is, seeing something old and new, broken and mended. Wise, foolish, happy, sad and above all… something beloved, even if he cannot return the feeling.
'Yes,' he says at last taking Vash's hand, new tears streaming across his skin, tears of joy, 'yes, I'll walk the path with you. Whatever the path is, and however far it goes. I'll be with you.'
………………………………………………………………………………………….
Eeep, sorry for being so long again, still better late than never!
Reader's Reviews:
SanoGirl: Once again, I'm very happy the characterisation is sticking. At this point it's so hard to keep that about him. He might come off a bit mushy in this chapter, if so I'm sorry, but it's the way it worked out. Thanks for recommending this to your cousin, that is very nice of you! If you could get her to review that'd be cool! I love reviews they make me happy! Yay for CN! Living in Britain, I doubt I'll ever see it on the 'small screen,' as it were. Which is a shame, it seems we miss out on all the good programs.
TheDreamsoftheDead: Wow… I transferred feelings… cool! I always thought I was pretty bad at that. GO ME! Shame about the bad luck, I do hope it changes. I'd go review your stories but, as I've never seen the programs, it'd be fairly pointless. I hope your inspiration returns to you, try walking or listening to some music. Anyway, see you around!
Magnet-Rose: Aw, I'm sorry you're feeling bad, I do hope the headache has gone by now (it should have, almost a week has gone past!) I'm glad this story helped, I hope this chapter is as good!
ATO: Yay! That chapter was one of my faves too, because it is a major turning point (like this chapter,) and it kinda put across a lot of theories as to why Knives is as he is and stuff. See you later!
LeDiz: Heh, I'm not gonna be able to answer all your points here, not and still have room for a frickin' story, so I've sent you an E-mail.Anyway, thanks for reviewing. People, if you're into X-Men Evolution or Yu-Gi-Oh, check this girl out! She's one of the best!
Angelstryke: Yeah, I loved that latest chapter, I'm only sorry the next one's gonna take a while to do. (Your next chapter, not mine.) Ah, another Biographical Legato fic, I must do one of those one day… he's an interesting character. Yeah, there's a bit more coming, but we're drawing to a conclusion now…
TeaRoses: It always seemed that Vash was, or appeared to be, Rem's favourite. Though whether this was true we'll never know. Oh, go on, write that fic… you know you want to! So happy I'm not ruining Knives. It's always a risk with these redemption type ficcies!
Communist Penguin: Thanks for the complement! I had a lot of competition with this fic, there's so many Knives redemption stories. But I'm glad this one actually worked out.
Sess-101: Thanks for the Keyboard info! And the two reviews were cool too! Glad to see you're keeping up.
Koneko212: What is it with me and making people cry? I swear I didn't set out to do that, honest! Nice to meet you anyway! And yeah, that's a nice way of looking at this, Knives finally coming alive… cool.
Zolac no Miko: Very true, I think Steve did have a large effect on Knives' life. That plus a load of other stuff which went on… I think we can see a bit of Knives from all the people. Knives has Rowen's scientific ability, Captain Joe's willingness to sacrifice, Mary's manipulation (see how she plays Steve and Rowen off against one another,) Some of Steve, (as we've already seen,) and finally a little bit of Rem. Because, if nothing else, Knives is an idealist gone wrong. I hope this part didn't come too late for you!
Aoi: That's an interesting take on the hair cut scene, I'm not sure I entirely agree with it, but you've certainly got a point… it was certainly a pivotal moment of Our Villain. I don't like that sort of typing either, apart from on phone texting or if you've got a good excuse, (not much time or a broken Keyboard, for example.) but don't' worry, there won't be any of that here!
Ron the future Weasel: Happy Birthday! Mmm… perhaps I should send you a birthday fic or something… I've got a drabble done… I could send you that if you wanted? Or maybe one of my other fics. Heh, if you want a fic, what kind of fic would you like?
Anyway, I'm sorry you didn't seem the Pete/Steve connection, perhaps it was a little weak… who knows. I hope this chapter lives up to your expectations!
Other News: I got myself a live journal! Look out for more Trigun rantings and perhaps some fics on it! It's in my profile!
NEXT TIME: Life with the twins finally starts to become… normal… have Vash and Knives found peace together at last? Or should they strive for something more? Whatever, things are about to take yet another twist.