You read one slashfic….so, anyways, I read a Remus/Severus slash yesterday that was actually quite good (it's really one of the few slash pairings that doesn't creep me out or make me laugh hysterically) and last night I had the strangest goddamn dream. In this dream, I was Remus' adopted daughter (don't ask) and I lived with him in the basement of a bookstore. One day, I found Severus carving a love poem to Remus on the marble steps of some big building that looked like the Field Museum. (The poem was really strange.) It turns out that they had had sex the night before, decided that they were madly in love and Snape was going to move in with Remus and me. I was kind of pissed for no apparent reason….oh, and Millicent Bulstrode was in there too in some incredibly vague capacity. It might have been Pansy Parkinson, though. Same difference. There was probably more, but I think I forgot it. I've had a Snape dream once before….but this author's note is already too long. I'll tell y'all later.
Tomorrow is my last day here. I'm going to go to one more therapy session and then sneak back to Hogwarts. I've honestly been insanely bored for my last two days here….but I'm still terrified to leave. I've been thinking about what I'm going to do when I get back. I'm definitely going to talk to Draco. I need to talk to that boy. I wonder how his mother's doing…behind it all, I think Narcissa was very fragile. She just needed someone to be by her all the time, and now she doesn't have Lucius. It must be a very heavy burden for Draco…all of my Slytherins are so lost, so hated. All of the other houses despise them, now more than ever, so they have to band together and lash out at anyone outside the group. I can see why they'd want me back. At least I try to protect them. Sometimes I wonder I they really respect me. I know Draco does, but the others I'm never too sure about. At any rate, I also plan on making love to Minerva. Well, I hope it'll happen. It's been an embarrassingly long time since I've been with anyone, and there's a sense of dread every time I think about it. Of course I've had sex…but not in very many years. It's so pathetic, I don't even want to write it down. Once in the entire time I've worked at Hogwarts. Once. And I barely remember it. Her name was Janine. All I really remember about her was that she had dyed green hair and that she wanted me to slap her hard. Apparently I look like the kind of guy who'd be into that sort of thing. I told her that I really didn't want to, she got pissed, we exchanged fluids, and she ran out of my apartment as soon as possible. Everyone I've ever had sex with has left disappointed. And afterwards, I've always been…well, more than disappointed. I remember after Janine left, I was sitting in my bed naked and this sick feeling swept through me and I put on the thickest nightshirt I own and went to the bathroom and threw up. I have a very strong stomach but there was something about that quickie, unfulfilling sex that just scared the hell out of me. I felt raped, if that makes any sense at all. After Janine I decided that sex just wasn't for me. I didn't have much of a libido, for various reasons, and I just pushed all thought of sex out of my mind. That is, until I really started to notice Minerva. Then I thought, maybe, but I'd always tell myself that she'd never have sex with someone like me and I gave up. I'd always try to deny my feelings for Minerva. That's why I never wrote about it. There was that one night when I hugged her…I really couldn't help myself, she smelled like vanilla. Not that I was really in a state to appreciate it, but it was vanilla nonetheless. I didn't consider it an important detail. I hope I won't seem like a total cad if I ask Minerva to wear that scent again…oh, what do I have to lose? When I'm back a Hogwarts, I've really got to remember to eat. When they're feeding you three squares here at the hospital, you really realize how much you actually eat. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I was giving a whole new meaning to the term "liquid diet." I just wasn't hungry. I'm still not very hungry, but I'm just going to have to make myself eat. I'm also going to have to work on not drinking, but I've already been through that enough. Teaching will be difficult, especially the Gryffindors. When I really think about it, I realize that one fourth of the student body collectively hates me. Hey, maybe it's gotten better since I started dating their Head of House. I don't think anyone knows other than Dumbledore…but we really shouldn't be keeping it under wraps like this. We'll work it out when we get back to Hogwarts. I don't think the Muggle medicine's worked yet, because I haven't smiled yet. I'll know it when I smile again.