Chapter 2: Wounds of the Past
Not long after she had fallen asleep, Sam became trapped in a dream that was based on feelings and raw emotions that she kept buried deep inside and never told anyone. The dream that she found herself in was based on an origin deep in her past, before she had become a member of SG-1, long before Daniel had even opened up the Stargate. The emotions stemmed from this, the dream however was much more painful. She was dreaming of the day Daniel had died.
She was standing in the infirmary with Jack, Teal'c, Janet, General Hammond, and her father, Jacob, watching as her father's symbiote used a Goa'uld hand device to try and restore Daniel's health as he lay in a coma, on his deathbed. Sam's heart was racing with fear and emotion when she heard Jack move to speak to Jacob.
"Jacob. Stop." Jack said solemnly. Everyone looked on him in alarm.
"Someone else want to tell me what I should do?" Jacob asked.
"This is what Daniel wants. We need to let him go."
Just then, the event happened that they had hoped to stop. The heart monitors flatlined as Daniel's heart stopped beating. He was gone and there was nothing more that Janet could do to save him. Suddenly, Daniel's body became a blinding light above the bed and then disappeared.
Sam stood there for a long moment, staring at the empty bed where her friend's body had occupied moments before. Then it hit her what the truth was, the cold, hard truth. Daniel Jackson was dead. Sam ran from the infirmary and into her lab, locking the door. As she sat alone in the empty room, she allowed her tears to fall as one thought went through her head. "This is all my fault. One of my best friends is dead and it's all because of me. This is my punishment."
Sam awoke abruptly from her nightmare and sat straight up on her bedroll, drenched with sweat. She looked around her and realized where she was when she noticed her three friends sleeping around her. When she heard Daniel's soft snoring coming from a few feet to her right, she turned her head in that direction. It warmed her heart to think that they had all gotten a second chance to have Daniel back in their lives and now he was here with them, stretched out on his bedroll near the dying remnants of the fire, sleeping peacefully without a care in the universe.
After lying there for a few minutes, Sam decided to go for a walk and clear her head. She got up carefully and crept silently out of the campsite, being extremely careful not to wake anyone and walked over to the lake nearby. As she looked out at the dawn light twinkling gently on the clear water, Sam became overwhelmed by her memories and began to cry softly as the breeze whipped gently around her.
Daniel was awakened from his sleep by a feeling that something wasn't quite right. He opened his eyes and sat up, taking a look around the campsite as he put on his glasses. It didn't take him long to determine what was wrong. He glanced around and noticed Jack and Teal'c were still sleeping but Sam was nowhere to be found.
"Huh, that's strange. I wonder where Sam went. I hope nothing's wrong. Maybe I'd better go and look for her." Daniel thought as he stood up and went to look for Sam.
A few minutes later, Sam was still sitting by the lake listening to the sounds around her when she heard footsteps approaching. She looked up startled but relaxed when she saw Daniel emerge from the trees and come toward her.
"Sam, are you okay? I've been looking everywhere for you. I was worried when you were missing when I woke up."
"Yeah, I'm okay. I just needed to be alone for a little while. I didn't mean to worry anyone." Sam whispered, her voice breaking slightly.
"No, Sam, you aren't okay. You're obviously upset about something, I can hear it in your voice. Why don't you tell me what's going on."
"I don't know if I can talk about it, Daniel. It took me so long to bury the past and if I dredge it up again it's going to come flooding back worse than it has already."
"You need to get whatever is upsetting you out in the open. One thing that Jack taught me some time ago is that if you simply bury something without dealing with it first, you never truly bury it. It keeps coming back to haunt you and you can't get free from it no matter how hard you try. I did that for years and I don't want to see you go through the hell that I went through. Please, Sam, just talk to me." Daniel said quietly, moving over and sitting next to Sam by the lake.
"I had a dream tonight about the results of a terrible mistake I made and relived my punishment for it. It really shook me up pretty bad. That's why I left camp."
"What was this dream about?"
"I guess I should start with the basis of it." Sam began nervously as Daniel placed a hand on her arm and nodded for her to continue. "Well, when I was a teenager, there was a mission of sorts that I was meant to be involved with. But, my parents stood in my way. I know you wouldn't believe it today but growing up I didn't have the best relationship with my parents. Actually, I only repaired my relationship with Dad after my mother died. Anyway, I knew that they were wrong and I fought them to the death but in the end, I wasn't strong enough. As a result, the mission I was supposed to assist failed and several people died. I let someone keep me from doing the right thing and it cost several people their lives. I could have saved those people, Daniel. I knew I deserved to suffer for that but I never did. Until a year and a half ago. The day I stood in the infirmary and watched you fade before my eyes after what happened on Kelowna, watched you die such a painful death, I knew you were suffering because of my error and I have had to live with that. Even though you're back now and everything is okay, I'm still haunted by that." Sam finished as her tears began to fall again and Daniel wrapped her in his arms.
"Sam, I can't begin to understand what you've been through but there is one thing that I can assure you. What happened on Kelowna that lead to my death and my decision to ascend had absolutely nothing to do with something that happened years before you and I even met. Things just don't happen that way, Sam. You have to let this go. There's no way of knowing whether you could have prevented what happened back then. If you harbor these raw feelings, they will eventually destroy you. You have to release this burden."
"It seemed so real, Daniel. Oh, God, it seemed so very real."
"Shh. It's okay. It was a dream, Sam. That's all it was, it was just a dream. Everything's okay now." Daniel whispered as he rocked Sam back and forth, trying to soothe her.
"I can still remember the hurt that I felt the day that mission failed and that I've carried around for years. I'm afraid of going through the same thing again. That's why I've always been a little reserved."
"Look at me, Sam." Daniel said firmly as Sam lifted her eyes to meet his. "You don't have to be reserved around me or around Jack or Teal'c for that matter. No one is ever going to hurt you like that again. You don't need to be afraid. That's a promise."
"I just don't want to be afraid anymore, Daniel. I don't know how to stop being afraid." Sam whispered.
"I know. Come here." Daniel said reassuringly as he took Sam into his arms again and she rested her head on his shoulder. Drawing the comfort from her friend's warm embrace, Sam closed her eyes and fell asleep in Daniel's arms.
A few minutes later, Daniel noticed that Sam's breathing had slowed and evened out and that she was no longer trembling. He carefully moved his head and looked at her. Daniel smiled when he noticed that Sam had fallen asleep on his shoulder. He then gently lay back on the grass, being careful not to wake Sam.
"Don't worry, Sam. Jack, Teal'c and I will always be here for you whenever you need us. Your friends will always look out for you and protect you. You'll never have to worry about being alone, Sam. We'll never leave you. I promise." Daniel whispered, feeling Sam's soft breath on his neck and she nestled her head deeper into his shoulder. Reaching up to gently stroke her blonde hair, Daniel tightened his arm protectively around Sam and then closed his eyes and he, too, drifted back to sleep.
Not long after she had fallen asleep, Sam became trapped in a dream that was based on feelings and raw emotions that she kept buried deep inside and never told anyone. The dream that she found herself in was based on an origin deep in her past, before she had become a member of SG-1, long before Daniel had even opened up the Stargate. The emotions stemmed from this, the dream however was much more painful. She was dreaming of the day Daniel had died.
She was standing in the infirmary with Jack, Teal'c, Janet, General Hammond, and her father, Jacob, watching as her father's symbiote used a Goa'uld hand device to try and restore Daniel's health as he lay in a coma, on his deathbed. Sam's heart was racing with fear and emotion when she heard Jack move to speak to Jacob.
"Jacob. Stop." Jack said solemnly. Everyone looked on him in alarm.
"Someone else want to tell me what I should do?" Jacob asked.
"This is what Daniel wants. We need to let him go."
Just then, the event happened that they had hoped to stop. The heart monitors flatlined as Daniel's heart stopped beating. He was gone and there was nothing more that Janet could do to save him. Suddenly, Daniel's body became a blinding light above the bed and then disappeared.
Sam stood there for a long moment, staring at the empty bed where her friend's body had occupied moments before. Then it hit her what the truth was, the cold, hard truth. Daniel Jackson was dead. Sam ran from the infirmary and into her lab, locking the door. As she sat alone in the empty room, she allowed her tears to fall as one thought went through her head. "This is all my fault. One of my best friends is dead and it's all because of me. This is my punishment."
Sam awoke abruptly from her nightmare and sat straight up on her bedroll, drenched with sweat. She looked around her and realized where she was when she noticed her three friends sleeping around her. When she heard Daniel's soft snoring coming from a few feet to her right, she turned her head in that direction. It warmed her heart to think that they had all gotten a second chance to have Daniel back in their lives and now he was here with them, stretched out on his bedroll near the dying remnants of the fire, sleeping peacefully without a care in the universe.
After lying there for a few minutes, Sam decided to go for a walk and clear her head. She got up carefully and crept silently out of the campsite, being extremely careful not to wake anyone and walked over to the lake nearby. As she looked out at the dawn light twinkling gently on the clear water, Sam became overwhelmed by her memories and began to cry softly as the breeze whipped gently around her.
Daniel was awakened from his sleep by a feeling that something wasn't quite right. He opened his eyes and sat up, taking a look around the campsite as he put on his glasses. It didn't take him long to determine what was wrong. He glanced around and noticed Jack and Teal'c were still sleeping but Sam was nowhere to be found.
"Huh, that's strange. I wonder where Sam went. I hope nothing's wrong. Maybe I'd better go and look for her." Daniel thought as he stood up and went to look for Sam.
A few minutes later, Sam was still sitting by the lake listening to the sounds around her when she heard footsteps approaching. She looked up startled but relaxed when she saw Daniel emerge from the trees and come toward her.
"Sam, are you okay? I've been looking everywhere for you. I was worried when you were missing when I woke up."
"Yeah, I'm okay. I just needed to be alone for a little while. I didn't mean to worry anyone." Sam whispered, her voice breaking slightly.
"No, Sam, you aren't okay. You're obviously upset about something, I can hear it in your voice. Why don't you tell me what's going on."
"I don't know if I can talk about it, Daniel. It took me so long to bury the past and if I dredge it up again it's going to come flooding back worse than it has already."
"You need to get whatever is upsetting you out in the open. One thing that Jack taught me some time ago is that if you simply bury something without dealing with it first, you never truly bury it. It keeps coming back to haunt you and you can't get free from it no matter how hard you try. I did that for years and I don't want to see you go through the hell that I went through. Please, Sam, just talk to me." Daniel said quietly, moving over and sitting next to Sam by the lake.
"I had a dream tonight about the results of a terrible mistake I made and relived my punishment for it. It really shook me up pretty bad. That's why I left camp."
"What was this dream about?"
"I guess I should start with the basis of it." Sam began nervously as Daniel placed a hand on her arm and nodded for her to continue. "Well, when I was a teenager, there was a mission of sorts that I was meant to be involved with. But, my parents stood in my way. I know you wouldn't believe it today but growing up I didn't have the best relationship with my parents. Actually, I only repaired my relationship with Dad after my mother died. Anyway, I knew that they were wrong and I fought them to the death but in the end, I wasn't strong enough. As a result, the mission I was supposed to assist failed and several people died. I let someone keep me from doing the right thing and it cost several people their lives. I could have saved those people, Daniel. I knew I deserved to suffer for that but I never did. Until a year and a half ago. The day I stood in the infirmary and watched you fade before my eyes after what happened on Kelowna, watched you die such a painful death, I knew you were suffering because of my error and I have had to live with that. Even though you're back now and everything is okay, I'm still haunted by that." Sam finished as her tears began to fall again and Daniel wrapped her in his arms.
"Sam, I can't begin to understand what you've been through but there is one thing that I can assure you. What happened on Kelowna that lead to my death and my decision to ascend had absolutely nothing to do with something that happened years before you and I even met. Things just don't happen that way, Sam. You have to let this go. There's no way of knowing whether you could have prevented what happened back then. If you harbor these raw feelings, they will eventually destroy you. You have to release this burden."
"It seemed so real, Daniel. Oh, God, it seemed so very real."
"Shh. It's okay. It was a dream, Sam. That's all it was, it was just a dream. Everything's okay now." Daniel whispered as he rocked Sam back and forth, trying to soothe her.
"I can still remember the hurt that I felt the day that mission failed and that I've carried around for years. I'm afraid of going through the same thing again. That's why I've always been a little reserved."
"Look at me, Sam." Daniel said firmly as Sam lifted her eyes to meet his. "You don't have to be reserved around me or around Jack or Teal'c for that matter. No one is ever going to hurt you like that again. You don't need to be afraid. That's a promise."
"I just don't want to be afraid anymore, Daniel. I don't know how to stop being afraid." Sam whispered.
"I know. Come here." Daniel said reassuringly as he took Sam into his arms again and she rested her head on his shoulder. Drawing the comfort from her friend's warm embrace, Sam closed her eyes and fell asleep in Daniel's arms.
A few minutes later, Daniel noticed that Sam's breathing had slowed and evened out and that she was no longer trembling. He carefully moved his head and looked at her. Daniel smiled when he noticed that Sam had fallen asleep on his shoulder. He then gently lay back on the grass, being careful not to wake Sam.
"Don't worry, Sam. Jack, Teal'c and I will always be here for you whenever you need us. Your friends will always look out for you and protect you. You'll never have to worry about being alone, Sam. We'll never leave you. I promise." Daniel whispered, feeling Sam's soft breath on his neck and she nestled her head deeper into his shoulder. Reaching up to gently stroke her blonde hair, Daniel tightened his arm protectively around Sam and then closed his eyes and he, too, drifted back to sleep.