Title: Loss
Author: Alex
Disclaimer: I don't own CSI.
Rating: PG
Spoilers: None
Pairing: Nick/Sara
Nick sat Sara down on the couch and knelt down in front of her. He pulled something out of his pocket before looking up into her teary eyes. He gently brushed his lips against hers and opened the ring box.
"Sara, I love you more than anything. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?" he asked.
"Yes," she cried out. "I'll marry you Nick."
He slid the ring on her finger before pulling her into his arms. He picked her up and carried her into the bedroom laying her gently on the bed. He leaned down and kissed her and pushed the hair out of her eyes.
"You know," Sara started. "The others are going to be very surprised. They don't even know that we're dating."
"It will be priceless to see looks on their faces when we tell them," he agreed leaning down again. They made love slowly, taking the time to explore each others bodies. They fell asleep in each other's arms, both with smiles on their faces.
Sara paced the length of the emergency room waiting area ignoring the looks from the others there. She knew that she looked bad, she was covered in Nick's blood and her face was swollen and red from crying. She didn't care though; she refused to leave to clean up until she knew that Nick was going to be okay.
"Sara!"
She looked up to see Catherine and Warrick rushing towards her. She was crying again by the time they reached her. Warrick immediately pulled her into his arms and she sobbed into his shoulder. After a few minutes she pulled away and sat in the nearest chair.
"Brass called us and told us what happened," Catherine told her. "How are you holding up?"
"I'll be fine once the doctor comes out here and tells me I can see Nick," she said brushing the hair out of her eyes. She didn't even think about the engagement ring on her finger until Catherine's eyes widened. She opened her mouth to say something but was interrupted by the doctor coming towards them with a troubled expression.
"I have a craving for chocolate," Sara said as they drove towards the lab.
"Chocolate?" he asked smiling at her. "There's a store just ahead, I'll stop."
"Thanks Nick," she grinned. "I want a Butterfinger."
"You always eat chocolate when you're nervous," he commented pulling into the parking lot.
"Do you want anything?" she asked unfastening her seat belt.
"I'll go in baby," he said.
"I'll go," she argued.
"Sara," he grinned. "Please."
"Fine," she said. "But it's just because you're so darn cute."
She watched as he climbed out of the car and entered the store. She leaned back, closed her eyes and smiled. She couldn't believe that she was going to marry Nick. She hadn't been this happy since…she'd never been this happy.
Her eyes snapped open when she heard a gun shot. Hopping out of the car she carefully made her way to doors of the store. She peered in and saw Nick lying on the ground in a pool of blood. She heard a piercing scream and it took her a minute to realize that she was the one screaming. She rushed into the building and knelt down next to him. She tried to stop the bleeding with her hands but it was no use, there was too much blood.
"Sara?" he whispered. "Sara?"
"I'm here baby," she said crying.
"I love you so much," he said. "Remember that. I would have made you a good husband."
"You're still going to make me a good husband Nick. Don't you dare think about dying on me. I can't live without you," she cried.
"I love you," he whispered again.
"I love you too Nick," she said. "Stay with me baby. Stay with me."
She could hear sirens getting closer as she talked to Nick trying to get him to stay awake. She refused to leave his side when the paramedics arrived and rode with him to the hospital all the while clutching his hand.
Sara knew before the doctor even reached them. She knew that Nick wasn't coming back to her. She could tell by the look on the doctor's face and the fact that he wouldn't look her in the eye.
"I'm sorry Ms. Sidle," he said.
"No!" she screamed startling the others. "No! No! No! No! He's not dead! We were going to get married! What am I supposed to do without him?"
Warrick caught her in his arms as she collapsed in uncontrollable sobs. Sara couldn't ever remember being in as much pain as she was in. She felt like her heart had broken into a million pieces. She had no idea how she was going to go on without Nick.
"Sara honey," Catherine said kneeling next to her. "Come on; let's get you out of here."
"I want to see him," she said.
"I'm not sure that's a good idea," the doctor replied hesitantly.
"I NEED to see him," she said more forcefully.
"Okay," he said defeated.
Warrick helped her to her feet and they followed the doctor. He paused by a door and turned around.
"I'm very sorry Ms. Sidle," he said again. "We did everything we could."
"I know," she replied wiping her face. "I appreciate it."
He held the door open for her and she went in. She walked slowly to where Nick's body lay and took his hand. Fresh tears burned her eyes as she kissed his forehead.
"I'm so sorry Nick," she cried. "This is all my fault. If I hadn't had some stupid craving then this would have never happened. I don't know what to do. I feel like a part of me died along side you. Why did you have to leave me? I love you so much Nick. Why did you leave me?"
She wasn't sure how long she stood there clutching his hand but when Warrick came in and touched her shoulder she knew it was time to leave. She leaned down and kissed him lightly on the lips.
"I love you Nick," she whispered. "I'll never stop."
She followed Warrick to the door and with one last glance back left the room. She noticed that Grissom and Brass had joined them, both with tears in their eyes. To them, they had lost a friend, to Sara; she had lost something much more. She had lost her soul mate.
"I'll take you home," Warrick said.
"I want to go to Nick's," she said. "That's where I've been staying."
"Are you sure?" he asked.
"Yes," she whispered.
A little while later Warrick pulled into Nick's driveway. Sara started to get out but something occurred to her. She swung around and looked at Warrick.
"Did anyone call Nick's parents?" she asked.
"Grissom did," he said. "They'll be here in the morning."
"Thanks," she whispered.
"Are you going to be okay?" he asked concern filling his voice.
"I…I don't know," she said.
"Let me walk you in," he said climbing out. He helped her to the front door and took her keys when her hand was shaking too much. He led her into the living room and sat her on the couch.
"Sara, I'm so sorry," he said. "I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. I loved Nick, he was my best friend but I know you two were much more than that."
"We were going to get married," she said looking up at him.
"I know honey," he replied, his eyes wet with tears.
"He just asked me today," she said. "We were going to tell you guys at the beginning of the shift. We wondered how you guys were going to react because we never even told you about our relationship. Then I had some stupid craving on the way to work."
"It's not your fault Sara," Warrick said.
"Why?" she asked. "Why was he taken from me? Haven't I been through enough in my life? I deserve to be happy and Nick is what made me happy. I love him so much. I'm so lost without him."
"God Sara," he said hugging her and letting her sob into his chest again. She knew that he was crying right along with her.
"You need to get some rest," he said pulling away after a few minutes.
"Thank you Warrick," she said. "You're a good friend and I appreciate you letting me cry on your shoulder…literally."
"No problem girl," he said giving her a small smile. "Call me if you need anything okay."
"Okay," she said. She walked him towards the door before heading to the bedroom and collapsing on the bed. She could smell Nick on the sheets and tears sprang to her eyes again. She sobbed into the pillow for what seemed like forever before finally falling asleep.
Sara didn't wake up until the next morning, and when she did she felt nauseous. She got up from the bed feeling stiff and stretched before heading into the kitchen for some coffee. She reached up to the cabinet and pulled down the coffee.
"You must be Sara," someone said behind her.
Startled, she dropped the coffee and spun around. She knew instantly that she was looking at Nick's mother. They had the same dark brown hair and nose shape.
"Mrs. Stokes," she said looking down at the mess she made.
"I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to scare you."
"It's okay," Sara replied. "I didn't know you were here."
"We've been here for about an hour. We didn't want to wake you," she said stepping closer.
"I'm…I'm so sorry," Sara said.
"Nick really loved you," she told her. "He talked about you constantly. I know he was serious about your relationship."
"Yes we are…were," Sara said holding up her hand. "He gave it to me yesterday before…"
"I didn't…" she trailed off as Sara's eyes widened and she took off towards the bathroom.
She made it to the toilet just seconds before she began retching. She emptied her stomach before leaning back and closing her eyes. She reopened them when she heard the water turn on. Mrs. Stokes wet a washcloth and handed it to her.
"Are you…" she questioned.
"I'm sure it's just stress. I mean I don't think…Oh my God" she said as she realized that she hadn't had her period in seven weeks. She and Nick had only had sex once without protection so the thought had never crossed her mind that she was pregnant. Tears sprang to her eyes as she thought about Nick never knowing his own child and his child never knowing him. Feeling sick again she leaned over and threw up in the toilet.
She felt Mrs. Stokes pull back her hair and rub her back and it was oddly soothing. She felt a little better, not just physically but emotionally as well. After a few minutes she stood up and rinsed her mouth out.
"I didn't know," she said. "Nick would have been so happy."
"He would have been a terrific father," she said hugging her. They cried into each others arms until Mr. Stokes came into the room.
"This is Nicky's Sara," Mrs. Stokes told him.
"It's nice to meet you, I just wish that it were under better circumstances," he said giving her a hug.
"Thank you," she whispered glancing over at Mrs. Stokes.
"She's going to have Nick's baby," she said.
"Congratulations," he said with tears in his eyes. "Nicky would have been so proud."
The doorbell rang interrupting them. Sara excused herself and went to answer it. She wasn't at all surprised to see Warrick and Catherine on the other side of the door.
"How are you holding up Sara?" Catherine asked after she let them in.
"Not so good," she said sitting on the couch. "I'm pregnant."
"Oh my God," Catherine said. "I'm going to congratulate you and say I'm sorry."
"Thanks," she said managing a small smile.
"Whose car is that in the driveway?" Warrick asked joining her on the couch
"Nick's parents are here," she said just as they walked in.
"Mr. and Mrs. Stokes," Catherine said.
"Hello Catherine," Mrs. Stokes said.
"Hello," Warrick said standing up to shake their hands. "I'm Warrick Brown."
"Warrick," Mrs. Stokes said. "Nick told us so much about you."
"I umm…" Sara said feeling nauseous again. "Excuse me."
She stood up from the couch and made her way back to the bathroom as quick as she could go. She vomited into the toilet again before going into the bedroom and sitting on the edge of the bed. She took a couple deep breaths and closed her eyes.
"Sara?" Catherine said peeking into the room. "Are you okay?"
"I'll be fine," she answered.
"I know how the morning sickness can be. It doesn't help with everything that's going on," Catherine said sitting next to her.
"I don't know if I can do this without Nick," Sara whispered.
"Yes you can," Catherine replied. "You have friends that love you and we'll be here for you every step of the way."
"Nick wanted children," Sara told her. "It breaks my heart to know that he's going to miss it."
"I know sweetie. Nick would have been an amazing father," she said.
"Yes he would have been," she said. "I miss him so much. It hurts so much."
"I'm so sorry Sara. We're all going to miss him."
"What am I going to do Catherine?" Sara asked. "How am I going to live without him?"
Sara wasn't sure how she made it through the next few days. She worked with Mrs. Stokes making the funeral arrangements and met the rest of Nick's family. She made a doctors appointment and Catherine went with her and found out that she was eight weeks pregnant. The doctor let them hear the heartbeat and Sara cried the whole time wishing Nick were there with her.
The day after her doctor's appointment was the day of Nick's funeral and Sara was a mess. Thankfully Catherine, who had become a good friend to her stopped by. She helped her get dressed with only one breakdown and drove her to the funeral home. Sara was surprised to see so many people there to pay their respects. She joined Nick's parents and family in the front row. She had agreed to sing, by request of Nick's mother and when the minister called out to her she made her way to the platform.
"Nick will forever be the greatest man I will ever know. From the time that I arrived here in Vegas he welcomed me, despite the reason for me being here. Whenever I needed him he was always there. He looked after me, making sure I didn't work too hard or too much. Whenever he thought I needed a break he made me go out and do something fun with him. It was one of those times, after a case that was extremely hard for me, that we realized our feelings for each other. We fell in love. I know that I will never love someone as much as I love him. "
She nodded towards Warrick who was playing the piano for her and tried to force the tears away.
For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
She put the microphone down, wiped her eyes and headed back towards her seat. She paused by Nick's casket and gently touched it before sitting back down beside Nick's mother. She looked up when Mrs. Stokes reached over and took her hand. She gave her a small smile and turned her attention back up front.
Afterwards she rode back to Nick's house with Warrick for the reception. She escaped into the bedroom as soon as they arrived and sank down on the edge of the bed. She reached over and picked up the picture that Nick kept on his table. It had been taken almost two years ago at the lab's Christmas party. Nick had his arm around her shoulders and she had her head thrown back laughing at something he'd said. Nick always told her that he should have known then that he was in love with her instead of wasting all that time. She curled up, hugging the picture to her chest and drifted off to sleep.
Nick and Sara had been secretly dating for almost two months when he'd somehow managed to get them both the same night off. They had decided to stay in at Nick's house and cook dinner together, deciding on pasta since Sara was a vegetarian. They had fun cooking together and Sara couldn't help but think about cooking with Nick every day. After they'd finished eating and cleaning up they popped in a movie and curled up together on the couch.
"Sara," he said about halfway through.
"Hmm?" she said turning to look at him.
"There's something I've been wanting to tell you," he said brushing a strand of hair out of her eyes.
"What?" she questioned.
"I am so in love with you," he replied.
"Oh Nick," she cried out. "I love you too."
He'd pulled her close and captured her lips with his. They stayed like that, kissing on the couch until the movie ended. They sat up and Nick pulled her to her feet.
"Stay here tonight?" he asked.
"Okay," she agreed surprising him.
"I love you Sara," he said.
"I love you too Nick," she grinned pulling him into another kiss.
Sara woke up as the bedroom door opened. She sat up and rubbed her eyes.
"I'm sorry honey," Mrs. Stokes said. "I didn't realize you were sleeping. I was worried about you."
"It's okay," she said. "I didn't mean to fall asleep really. I was just…"
"Escaping?" Mrs. Stokes said with a smile.
"Yea, I just needed a couple minutes alone," she said.
"I understand," she replied sitting next to her on the bed.
"Will the pain ever go away?" she asked.
"Eventually, but it will take some time," she answered.
"Listen to me," Sara said with a wry laugh. "You lost your son."
"Trust me, I don't think that your pain is any less than mine," Mrs. Stokes said.
"I want to thank you, you've been great to me," Sara said.
"You made it easy," she replied.
"When are you guys going home?" she asked.
"Our flight leaves in the morning."
"I'm going to miss you," Sara said. "Nick never told me how great you are."
"Of course not," she laughed. "I'm his mother."
"I want you and Mr. Stokes to be a part of our baby's life," Sara said. "Will you visit us?"
"Of course," she said. "And you'll visit us."
"I will."
"Come on, you're friends were worried about you," she said holding out her hand. "We better get back."
"You're right," she smiled.
They went into the living room and with a smile Sara headed over to her friends. She hugged them and sat down next to Warrick. They spent the rest of the evening telling their favorite stories about Nick. Once everyone had left and Sara cleaned up she sat outside on the front porch and looked up at the sky.
"I miss you Nicky…We have some pretty great friends here and I never realized it…it will take some time but I think I'll eventually be okay…I love you…I'll never stop loving you."
THE END
A/N – Nick is one of my favorite characters but I sat down one night and this is what came out. Even though I wrote it, I cried when Nick died.