I still see them. The needles poking. Men in masks. All the high tech
jargon about what procejures to do next. I hear all the noise of tools. And
I hear the screaming. It's echoing off the ceiling and coming back at me.
My screams. And the screams of another and another. The pain is still real
in dreams like these. Cutting with scalpels. Who cares if the mutant can
feel. She's lower than a dog to them. I even can remember them laughing in
celebration when they do something right. On the third or fourth try.
Those are the nights I wake up screaming.
'if they knew they would hate you. and you know what. i hate you too. you should even hate yourself. if i were you i would.'
I wake in a cold sweat. Ive been home for almost a month. But she won't go away.
I walk the halls on those nights. I don't go out to the orchards anymore. Now I fly. They did that to me. Made me fly. I fly to the rooftops and stay there. Away from people. Away from the voices and the pointing. By now everyone knew what had happened. They say they're sorry and pity me. I know what they're thinking though. Some are glad it wasn't them. Some even sympathize, saying they understand what I must feel.
How could they! They weren't in that prison for 3 weeks. Twenty-one days. Five hundred and four hours. Thirty thousand three hundred and forty minutes. Each one as tourturous at the next.
No how could they ever even think to understand.
They don't know about the woman that I killed.
'murderer, murderer, marie is a murderer.'
I sit on the roof and look out to the sky.
'better just to drown your self now this way no one will ever know what you did'
Logan understands. He's been there. He has been through everything I have. He never asks. And he never prys. Still I havn't told him about Carol.
I hadn't told any one about my new powers yet. I didn't tell them I could fly or have super human strength.
'if you told them they would want to know how you got them they will hate you.'
I don't love him anymore. Not like I used too. It's different now. I guess what Jean said in Phsycology is right. First you have to love yourself and be comfortable in your own skin before you can love another. You have to have secrurity before you can have an honest relation ship with any one.
How can I be comfortable in my own skin when all I can think of is the voices in my head. The ones screaming to be set free.
'it's all your fault that i am dead. you killed me marie. Marie the Murderer.'
And security. I was taken from my home. The safest place I know. I thought nothing could hurt me here. But all the false senses I had before are gone.
And that man. Gambit. He's here. Professor made him an X-man. They all thanked him for bringing me home. They've seemed to forgotten that he put me there. In that hell. I see him sometimes. From my window. All those teenage girls following him like a puppy on a string. They tell me he's changed but I can still feel my body pressed to the tree. His hand covering my mouth. His intoxicating scent. He's the reason I'm different.
Security. I don't trust any one any more. I even put a bottle on the doorknob. If any one trys to come in it will wake me from my restless sleep. And then I will fly away. Nothing will keep me tied down anymore. I refuse to be a captive. I refuse to let any one dictate my life
'but i'm still here marie. i'll always be right here in your head.'
I sit on the roof looking to the stars. Then I look down. I look to the Orchard. That's where it all began. I can see the light of a smoking cigarette and a set of red and black eyes stare sorrowfully at me. But this time, for some reason, I don't shutter and fly away.
I just sit and we stare into each others eyes, across the great distance.
I would keep it a secret. But it didn't last long. I was out in the garden. Storm went to D.C. with Professor. I promised I would look after the flowers. I saw a little girl. Some of the children at the school are rather young because they look obviously muntant.
She was a young green skinned child. She seemed to have crawled out onto the roof to get something. I ran and yelled up to the girl. "Get down. You could fall." They girl nodded and made her way to the window. Scott joined me wondering what was going on. As the girl neared the window she slipped.
I literally flew into action. I cought the little girl before she had a chance to get hurt.
"Rogue. What was that? Where did it come from?"
"Ah. . . Ah um. . . Ah can't!" I turned and fled across the commons through the woods.
'now they will want to know. they'll find out your a murderer then they will hate you.'
I ran to the beach. Her laughter following me the whole way. No one was around this time of year.
'throw yourself in then it'll all be over.'
the laughter rang in my ears. With nothing more to do, I sat down and I cried.
Logan came. Atleast I was done crying by then. He didn't say any thing.
'wolverine doesn't even know yet and he already hates you. see no matter what you do they hate you know.'
"Scott told me"
". . . "
"Not even going to tell me why you hid this?"
"Ah can't."
"I don't." Logan was grinding his teeth. "I thought you could tell me any thing. I thought we understood each other!"
"Logan, Ah. . ."
"NO! I don't want to hear it. Your like a daughter to me and you... you lied to me. You hid your powers but why?"
"Ah wish Ah could. . ."
Logan growled and walked away.
'they'll all walk away now. they won't want a muderer under their roof. but can you blame them. i don't.'
I ran to my room. Clothes. Bag. I'll leave that's it. I'll go away and they'll forget. I can't tell them what I did.
'murderer, murderer. marie is a murderer.'
No they won't find out atleast this way they'll miss me when I'm gone.
'everyone hates marie. marie is a murderer.'
The voice was singing now. It's so loud.
'murderer, murderer. every one hates you now.'
"Nooo!"
I ran for the stairs. With all the screaming in my head I didn't even know I forgot my bag.
'hope you don't fall down the stairs. wouldn't want you to hurt yourself now.'
I felt dizzy as I clung to the rail. She's messing with my balance now.
"Rogue. The professors back. He wants a word with you."
I lost my balance at the sound of Scotts voice. I fell down the remaining stairs.
'the professors angry now. he'll throw you out.'
"No! Shut up! Shut up!"
I scream but the voice won't stop.
'hate hate hate Hate Hate Hate Hate HATE HATE HATE!'
"Noooooooo!"
I felt hands helping me up.
"Rogue."
I pushed them away.
"NO." I couldn't even see who it was through my tears.
"GO!"
'every one hates marie. marie is a murderer.'
"Ah didn't! Ah didn't kill no one!"
"Rogue. Calm down. It's Logan."
"Ah'm sorry. Ah'm sorry. AH'M SORRY!" I grabbed handfuls of my hair and pulled.
I screamed.
'they think you're crazy now. they'll lock you up. then they'll know. then they'll hate you.'
"noooo"
"Jean sedate her she's histarical."
-------------------------------------
"Professor what's the matter with her?" Logan was worried. He'd never seen any one act like that before.
"She's fine at the moment. Sleeping. As it turns out Rogue has had some experience. I read her mind. She seemed to be progressing well enough when she was returned that I figured I would not interfere with her mind directly. We all know how delicatly balanced her mind is with all the extra thoughts there. I didn't want to intrude unless I absolutly had to. She seems to have absorbed the powers of Carol Danvers. She absorbed much of Danvers power and mind. Her body is presently in a coma in New York City. As you all know, when Rogue absorbs a mutant's powers she also absorbs their memories. While Logan's and Magneto's faded, Danvers seemed to grow stronger. She was taking over Rogue's mind. Rogue thought she had killed Danvers and was being haunted for it. She was living with two people in her head. It basically drove her crazy."
"What can we do?"
"Well I was able to block a small part of her mind. I locked away the area containing Danvers. Rogue should be better soon. All she needs is rest. Rest and time."
Those are the nights I wake up screaming.
'if they knew they would hate you. and you know what. i hate you too. you should even hate yourself. if i were you i would.'
I wake in a cold sweat. Ive been home for almost a month. But she won't go away.
I walk the halls on those nights. I don't go out to the orchards anymore. Now I fly. They did that to me. Made me fly. I fly to the rooftops and stay there. Away from people. Away from the voices and the pointing. By now everyone knew what had happened. They say they're sorry and pity me. I know what they're thinking though. Some are glad it wasn't them. Some even sympathize, saying they understand what I must feel.
How could they! They weren't in that prison for 3 weeks. Twenty-one days. Five hundred and four hours. Thirty thousand three hundred and forty minutes. Each one as tourturous at the next.
No how could they ever even think to understand.
They don't know about the woman that I killed.
'murderer, murderer, marie is a murderer.'
I sit on the roof and look out to the sky.
'better just to drown your self now this way no one will ever know what you did'
Logan understands. He's been there. He has been through everything I have. He never asks. And he never prys. Still I havn't told him about Carol.
I hadn't told any one about my new powers yet. I didn't tell them I could fly or have super human strength.
'if you told them they would want to know how you got them they will hate you.'
I don't love him anymore. Not like I used too. It's different now. I guess what Jean said in Phsycology is right. First you have to love yourself and be comfortable in your own skin before you can love another. You have to have secrurity before you can have an honest relation ship with any one.
How can I be comfortable in my own skin when all I can think of is the voices in my head. The ones screaming to be set free.
'it's all your fault that i am dead. you killed me marie. Marie the Murderer.'
And security. I was taken from my home. The safest place I know. I thought nothing could hurt me here. But all the false senses I had before are gone.
And that man. Gambit. He's here. Professor made him an X-man. They all thanked him for bringing me home. They've seemed to forgotten that he put me there. In that hell. I see him sometimes. From my window. All those teenage girls following him like a puppy on a string. They tell me he's changed but I can still feel my body pressed to the tree. His hand covering my mouth. His intoxicating scent. He's the reason I'm different.
Security. I don't trust any one any more. I even put a bottle on the doorknob. If any one trys to come in it will wake me from my restless sleep. And then I will fly away. Nothing will keep me tied down anymore. I refuse to be a captive. I refuse to let any one dictate my life
'but i'm still here marie. i'll always be right here in your head.'
I sit on the roof looking to the stars. Then I look down. I look to the Orchard. That's where it all began. I can see the light of a smoking cigarette and a set of red and black eyes stare sorrowfully at me. But this time, for some reason, I don't shutter and fly away.
I just sit and we stare into each others eyes, across the great distance.
I would keep it a secret. But it didn't last long. I was out in the garden. Storm went to D.C. with Professor. I promised I would look after the flowers. I saw a little girl. Some of the children at the school are rather young because they look obviously muntant.
She was a young green skinned child. She seemed to have crawled out onto the roof to get something. I ran and yelled up to the girl. "Get down. You could fall." They girl nodded and made her way to the window. Scott joined me wondering what was going on. As the girl neared the window she slipped.
I literally flew into action. I cought the little girl before she had a chance to get hurt.
"Rogue. What was that? Where did it come from?"
"Ah. . . Ah um. . . Ah can't!" I turned and fled across the commons through the woods.
'now they will want to know. they'll find out your a murderer then they will hate you.'
I ran to the beach. Her laughter following me the whole way. No one was around this time of year.
'throw yourself in then it'll all be over.'
the laughter rang in my ears. With nothing more to do, I sat down and I cried.
Logan came. Atleast I was done crying by then. He didn't say any thing.
'wolverine doesn't even know yet and he already hates you. see no matter what you do they hate you know.'
"Scott told me"
". . . "
"Not even going to tell me why you hid this?"
"Ah can't."
"I don't." Logan was grinding his teeth. "I thought you could tell me any thing. I thought we understood each other!"
"Logan, Ah. . ."
"NO! I don't want to hear it. Your like a daughter to me and you... you lied to me. You hid your powers but why?"
"Ah wish Ah could. . ."
Logan growled and walked away.
'they'll all walk away now. they won't want a muderer under their roof. but can you blame them. i don't.'
I ran to my room. Clothes. Bag. I'll leave that's it. I'll go away and they'll forget. I can't tell them what I did.
'murderer, murderer. marie is a murderer.'
No they won't find out atleast this way they'll miss me when I'm gone.
'everyone hates marie. marie is a murderer.'
The voice was singing now. It's so loud.
'murderer, murderer. every one hates you now.'
"Nooo!"
I ran for the stairs. With all the screaming in my head I didn't even know I forgot my bag.
'hope you don't fall down the stairs. wouldn't want you to hurt yourself now.'
I felt dizzy as I clung to the rail. She's messing with my balance now.
"Rogue. The professors back. He wants a word with you."
I lost my balance at the sound of Scotts voice. I fell down the remaining stairs.
'the professors angry now. he'll throw you out.'
"No! Shut up! Shut up!"
I scream but the voice won't stop.
'hate hate hate Hate Hate Hate Hate HATE HATE HATE!'
"Noooooooo!"
I felt hands helping me up.
"Rogue."
I pushed them away.
"NO." I couldn't even see who it was through my tears.
"GO!"
'every one hates marie. marie is a murderer.'
"Ah didn't! Ah didn't kill no one!"
"Rogue. Calm down. It's Logan."
"Ah'm sorry. Ah'm sorry. AH'M SORRY!" I grabbed handfuls of my hair and pulled.
I screamed.
'they think you're crazy now. they'll lock you up. then they'll know. then they'll hate you.'
"noooo"
"Jean sedate her she's histarical."
-------------------------------------
"Professor what's the matter with her?" Logan was worried. He'd never seen any one act like that before.
"She's fine at the moment. Sleeping. As it turns out Rogue has had some experience. I read her mind. She seemed to be progressing well enough when she was returned that I figured I would not interfere with her mind directly. We all know how delicatly balanced her mind is with all the extra thoughts there. I didn't want to intrude unless I absolutly had to. She seems to have absorbed the powers of Carol Danvers. She absorbed much of Danvers power and mind. Her body is presently in a coma in New York City. As you all know, when Rogue absorbs a mutant's powers she also absorbs their memories. While Logan's and Magneto's faded, Danvers seemed to grow stronger. She was taking over Rogue's mind. Rogue thought she had killed Danvers and was being haunted for it. She was living with two people in her head. It basically drove her crazy."
"What can we do?"
"Well I was able to block a small part of her mind. I locked away the area containing Danvers. Rogue should be better soon. All she needs is rest. Rest and time."