Harry Potter
And the Off-Green Kerosene Lamp
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Chapter One - The Chapter that Doesn't Start with Harry's Worst Birthday, but Instead Starts with being drafted into the Army and some Dog Repainting
the House Yellow.....Sorta.....
---
Harry Potter was sitting on the front step of number 4 Privet Drive, burning the Iraqi flag, when Uncle Vernon came storming out of the front door and grabbed him by the collar of his over-sized t-shirt. "POTTER!!" he yelled, "Get in the house right now!!" Harry wondered exactly what he had been doing wrong this time, and pointedly told his uncle that he was not using his wand to burn the flag. "That's beside the point, Potter!" He shoved the boy up the stairway, and into the small excuse for a room he was so graciously given. "It's another one of those damn letters!!" Harry sighed. What could he have done now? As he sat there in the darkness, he pondered ways he could have screwed up and got the Ministry on his tail again. Well, it could have been the time he raped Cho Chang, but that didn't seem too bad at the time. It could have been the time he turned Ron's underwear into a giant sticky pink web of bubblegum (and then had to help peel it off), or maybe it was the large welt he zapped onto Dumbledork's butt. But, he would never really know until he received the letter that was sent to him. Suddenly a large envelope collided with his leg and gave him the one paper cut to rule them all. "OW!" Ignoring the pain in his nearly severed leg, Harry ripped open the envelope and was met with a very official looking document.
Dear Mr. Potter,
We are not pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, because frankly that is
not what this letter is about. We are pleased to inform you, however,
that you have been drafted into the Royal British Army. You will be
sent to risk your life, sanity, and possibly virginity to protect your
honor and country, well, mostly your country in the front lines in
Iraq, damn you! Please report to Platform 9 6/8 at Kings Cross Station
so you can be transported to Camp Uppyersahole immediately. Thank you
for your cooperation.
With all due respect,
Tony Blair
"Well that's a pisser..." thought Harry aloud, "I'm only 16!" "Dinner time!" came Aunt Petunia's voice as she pounded on the doorway. Harry opened the door and was handed a dog bowl full of frozen minestrone soup and a fork. "I took the liberty of making it above 0° for you." Well, that was very gracious of Aunt Petunia, seeing as how it's usually somewhere below that. So he grabbed his fork and started eating the chunks of icy cold whatever it was inside the soup, when a white something flew through the open window and collided with his head. The boy fell off the bed and sent the frozen remains of his dinner rolling across the floor. He sat up and pried the thing off his head and found that it was a small, plush-like dog. It promptly turned into a small plush-like man and started hacking away at Harry's nose with a small, plush-like sword. Hah! You all thought it was gonna be the owl!! Suddenly a sickly sweet girl's voice floated up through the open window. "Sesshy-sama...where are you?!" The small, plush-like man jumped off of Harry and went over to the open window. It stood up on the window sill and looked out, then squeaked in dismay and dove under Harry's bed. Harry walked over to the window to see a tall blonde girl, dressed mostly in green, standing outside the Dursley's house. She looked about thirteen...or fourteen...and Harry waved to her. "Hey! You!" She looked up and waved back. "Hello odd looking pale kid with large glasses! Have you seen Sesshomaru?" "Sesshoma...who?" "Fluffy-sama!!" "Katie, what are you doing? Quit socializing with the locals!! We have to get more gas for this thing!! Hey, kid, do you have a computer?" Harry looked over, even more confused, and saw a shorter girl with freakishly long brown hair and glasses. She was wearing a jean jacket, had a motorcycle helmet tucked under one arm, and was leaning on a bright red American Chopper. "What's a computer?" Harry leaned out his window to get a better look at the best damn American Chopper this side of the Atlantic Ocean. "Oh great, I will never get this thing sold!" The girl rolled her eyes "Say good-bye to the shit load of money we planned to get. And I have to get rid of it before Malik finds out." Katie laughed, "Hahaha, you're screwed, Elise!!" Elise threw the motorcycle helmet at Katie. It bounced off her head and she collapsed to the ground, looking a little dazed. "Oops, Sesshomaru! Come down here and get her, please!" Elise yelled up to the window "You can't hide from us forever!" "For the last time, what the heck is a Sesshomaru!" Harry shook his fist at Elise, who flipped her hair, and rolled her eyes again. "Duh! The little messed up thing that most likely tried to attack you! He's so predictable!" "Oh" Harry removed the sheets from his bed, so he could see underneath it easier. Then, getting on his hands and knees, he looked around under the grimy, disgusting, and completely messed-up bed. And there, in the corner, was the little puff-ball. "OK, thingy, you're coming out." He grabbed the fluff. But, the little puff-ball went insane, and tried to bite his hand off. He thrashed around his room, with this crazed puff-ball thing on his face, waving his arms and just running and running and running like a constipated wiener dog. And about that time, a little ditty started going through his head, and it went a little something like this. "GAHHHH!! GETTIM OFF ME!! GAH GAH!! GETTIM OFF ME!! AH AHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" So he jumped out the window with this little flesh eating puff-ball attached to his face, and Katie instantaneously grabbed it and brought it into a death grip. "FLUFFYYYYYYYYYY!!" The little puff-ball squeaked and suddenly grew in size until he was about 5'..erm...something. Pretty tall though. Harry was semi-conscious, on the ground, his face half buried in the manure he had spread on the gardens just that morning. A worm crawled into his ear and he screamed like a little school girl, jumped up, and started tugging on his ear, trying to get it out. "Maybe we should help him..." said Elise. "You know, this reminds me of that thing from Animorphs where those slug things called Yeerks crawl inside your ears and take over your BRAINS!!!" Katie bounced up and down while Sesshomaru glared at her. She jumped on him and he fell over. "Umm....right....Anyway, I have to go in search of the nearest computer. Bai!" Elise hopped on the motorcycle and drove away into the sunset, never to be seen again....in this chapter anyway. Harry, now holding the mutilated worm in his hand, reached into his back pocket and whipped out his wand. "Now, who are you?" He took the stand, showing more bravery than he really had "It would be nice if you said your name first" Katie twirled around in the fluffy "boa" that Sesshomaru wore. "Oh wait..." She paused "I think I know you!" "Of course you do! Everyone knows me!" He sighed "I'm---" "MICHEAL JACKSON!!" She shouted, obviously thinking she had it. Cricket chirps rose from the ground as the three stared at each other. "get away from my Fluffy!" Katie shoved the man with extremely long hair back. "Get away you perv!" "huh? What's a Michael Jackson?" He paused for a second "Oh, was he the guy I slept with the other night?" "Gay, was once black, now white, molests little boys, has a wife anyway, tortures his kids, and other stuff we are not paid to say... so we won't say them." Katie shrugged. "So, why are you here again? uh... and who are you!! Tell me!!" Harry was becoming agitated and was poking Katie with his wand. Sesshomaru let out a low growl, and he backed off quick. "Well, I'm the all popular, well known, Katie of the Insane Ones! And this is my dog, Sesshomaru of the Fluff! We go around in a mini-van solving mysteries... oh wait, that's Scooby-Doo... sorry!" She laughed, and crawled up on Sesshomaru's back "Huh? A dog?" Harry thought it was a joke, but he DID see him transform before. And now, he watched like an idiot as Sesshomaru once again transformed, but this time, into a gigantic white and fluffy dog. His fluffy was still connected to his shoulder... and Katie was somewhere buried in it. Just then, Sesshomaru lifted his leg and began to empty the contents of his bladder on the Dursley's house. Of course, Uncle Vernon just happened to come outside through the back door, see Harry there with his wand out-stretched, and get doused with demon dog piss at the same time. "BAD DOG! VERY BAD DOG!" yelled Katie and the two of them disappeared faster than you could blink your eyes. Of course, being blind to everything except Harry, Uncle Vernon freaked out and knocked out Harry with a large rock, then went inside to bitch off to Petunia about what a bastard that Potter boy was and take a very long shower. "Well, look at the bright side" Harry muttered to himself "We now have a large paw-print-shaped swimming pool in our front yard, and now Aunt Petunia can't complain about always wanting a yellow house!"
And the Off-Green Kerosene Lamp
---
Chapter One - The Chapter that Doesn't Start with Harry's Worst Birthday, but Instead Starts with being drafted into the Army and some Dog Repainting
the House Yellow.....Sorta.....
---
Harry Potter was sitting on the front step of number 4 Privet Drive, burning the Iraqi flag, when Uncle Vernon came storming out of the front door and grabbed him by the collar of his over-sized t-shirt. "POTTER!!" he yelled, "Get in the house right now!!" Harry wondered exactly what he had been doing wrong this time, and pointedly told his uncle that he was not using his wand to burn the flag. "That's beside the point, Potter!" He shoved the boy up the stairway, and into the small excuse for a room he was so graciously given. "It's another one of those damn letters!!" Harry sighed. What could he have done now? As he sat there in the darkness, he pondered ways he could have screwed up and got the Ministry on his tail again. Well, it could have been the time he raped Cho Chang, but that didn't seem too bad at the time. It could have been the time he turned Ron's underwear into a giant sticky pink web of bubblegum (and then had to help peel it off), or maybe it was the large welt he zapped onto Dumbledork's butt. But, he would never really know until he received the letter that was sent to him. Suddenly a large envelope collided with his leg and gave him the one paper cut to rule them all. "OW!" Ignoring the pain in his nearly severed leg, Harry ripped open the envelope and was met with a very official looking document.
Dear Mr. Potter,
We are not pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, because frankly that is
not what this letter is about. We are pleased to inform you, however,
that you have been drafted into the Royal British Army. You will be
sent to risk your life, sanity, and possibly virginity to protect your
honor and country, well, mostly your country in the front lines in
Iraq, damn you! Please report to Platform 9 6/8 at Kings Cross Station
so you can be transported to Camp Uppyersahole immediately. Thank you
for your cooperation.
With all due respect,
Tony Blair
"Well that's a pisser..." thought Harry aloud, "I'm only 16!" "Dinner time!" came Aunt Petunia's voice as she pounded on the doorway. Harry opened the door and was handed a dog bowl full of frozen minestrone soup and a fork. "I took the liberty of making it above 0° for you." Well, that was very gracious of Aunt Petunia, seeing as how it's usually somewhere below that. So he grabbed his fork and started eating the chunks of icy cold whatever it was inside the soup, when a white something flew through the open window and collided with his head. The boy fell off the bed and sent the frozen remains of his dinner rolling across the floor. He sat up and pried the thing off his head and found that it was a small, plush-like dog. It promptly turned into a small plush-like man and started hacking away at Harry's nose with a small, plush-like sword. Hah! You all thought it was gonna be the owl!! Suddenly a sickly sweet girl's voice floated up through the open window. "Sesshy-sama...where are you?!" The small, plush-like man jumped off of Harry and went over to the open window. It stood up on the window sill and looked out, then squeaked in dismay and dove under Harry's bed. Harry walked over to the window to see a tall blonde girl, dressed mostly in green, standing outside the Dursley's house. She looked about thirteen...or fourteen...and Harry waved to her. "Hey! You!" She looked up and waved back. "Hello odd looking pale kid with large glasses! Have you seen Sesshomaru?" "Sesshoma...who?" "Fluffy-sama!!" "Katie, what are you doing? Quit socializing with the locals!! We have to get more gas for this thing!! Hey, kid, do you have a computer?" Harry looked over, even more confused, and saw a shorter girl with freakishly long brown hair and glasses. She was wearing a jean jacket, had a motorcycle helmet tucked under one arm, and was leaning on a bright red American Chopper. "What's a computer?" Harry leaned out his window to get a better look at the best damn American Chopper this side of the Atlantic Ocean. "Oh great, I will never get this thing sold!" The girl rolled her eyes "Say good-bye to the shit load of money we planned to get. And I have to get rid of it before Malik finds out." Katie laughed, "Hahaha, you're screwed, Elise!!" Elise threw the motorcycle helmet at Katie. It bounced off her head and she collapsed to the ground, looking a little dazed. "Oops, Sesshomaru! Come down here and get her, please!" Elise yelled up to the window "You can't hide from us forever!" "For the last time, what the heck is a Sesshomaru!" Harry shook his fist at Elise, who flipped her hair, and rolled her eyes again. "Duh! The little messed up thing that most likely tried to attack you! He's so predictable!" "Oh" Harry removed the sheets from his bed, so he could see underneath it easier. Then, getting on his hands and knees, he looked around under the grimy, disgusting, and completely messed-up bed. And there, in the corner, was the little puff-ball. "OK, thingy, you're coming out." He grabbed the fluff. But, the little puff-ball went insane, and tried to bite his hand off. He thrashed around his room, with this crazed puff-ball thing on his face, waving his arms and just running and running and running like a constipated wiener dog. And about that time, a little ditty started going through his head, and it went a little something like this. "GAHHHH!! GETTIM OFF ME!! GAH GAH!! GETTIM OFF ME!! AH AHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" So he jumped out the window with this little flesh eating puff-ball attached to his face, and Katie instantaneously grabbed it and brought it into a death grip. "FLUFFYYYYYYYYYY!!" The little puff-ball squeaked and suddenly grew in size until he was about 5'..erm...something. Pretty tall though. Harry was semi-conscious, on the ground, his face half buried in the manure he had spread on the gardens just that morning. A worm crawled into his ear and he screamed like a little school girl, jumped up, and started tugging on his ear, trying to get it out. "Maybe we should help him..." said Elise. "You know, this reminds me of that thing from Animorphs where those slug things called Yeerks crawl inside your ears and take over your BRAINS!!!" Katie bounced up and down while Sesshomaru glared at her. She jumped on him and he fell over. "Umm....right....Anyway, I have to go in search of the nearest computer. Bai!" Elise hopped on the motorcycle and drove away into the sunset, never to be seen again....in this chapter anyway. Harry, now holding the mutilated worm in his hand, reached into his back pocket and whipped out his wand. "Now, who are you?" He took the stand, showing more bravery than he really had "It would be nice if you said your name first" Katie twirled around in the fluffy "boa" that Sesshomaru wore. "Oh wait..." She paused "I think I know you!" "Of course you do! Everyone knows me!" He sighed "I'm---" "MICHEAL JACKSON!!" She shouted, obviously thinking she had it. Cricket chirps rose from the ground as the three stared at each other. "get away from my Fluffy!" Katie shoved the man with extremely long hair back. "Get away you perv!" "huh? What's a Michael Jackson?" He paused for a second "Oh, was he the guy I slept with the other night?" "Gay, was once black, now white, molests little boys, has a wife anyway, tortures his kids, and other stuff we are not paid to say... so we won't say them." Katie shrugged. "So, why are you here again? uh... and who are you!! Tell me!!" Harry was becoming agitated and was poking Katie with his wand. Sesshomaru let out a low growl, and he backed off quick. "Well, I'm the all popular, well known, Katie of the Insane Ones! And this is my dog, Sesshomaru of the Fluff! We go around in a mini-van solving mysteries... oh wait, that's Scooby-Doo... sorry!" She laughed, and crawled up on Sesshomaru's back "Huh? A dog?" Harry thought it was a joke, but he DID see him transform before. And now, he watched like an idiot as Sesshomaru once again transformed, but this time, into a gigantic white and fluffy dog. His fluffy was still connected to his shoulder... and Katie was somewhere buried in it. Just then, Sesshomaru lifted his leg and began to empty the contents of his bladder on the Dursley's house. Of course, Uncle Vernon just happened to come outside through the back door, see Harry there with his wand out-stretched, and get doused with demon dog piss at the same time. "BAD DOG! VERY BAD DOG!" yelled Katie and the two of them disappeared faster than you could blink your eyes. Of course, being blind to everything except Harry, Uncle Vernon freaked out and knocked out Harry with a large rock, then went inside to bitch off to Petunia about what a bastard that Potter boy was and take a very long shower. "Well, look at the bright side" Harry muttered to himself "We now have a large paw-print-shaped swimming pool in our front yard, and now Aunt Petunia can't complain about always wanting a yellow house!"