Title: Harry Potter and the Oregon Trail
Rating: PG
Category: gen, humor
Words: 1926
Summary: The Time Turner goes awry, forcing Hermione, Ron, Harry, and Neville to travel the Oregon Trail.
Notes: By the way, this is all fairly accurate information, as far as references to the trail itself go. Who knew that reading fanfiction was a good way to learn about Manifest Destiny?
March 31st, 1848
Here begins the trail journal of Hermione Granger, formerly a student at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry, and now setting off to make a new life in Oregon City.
Hang on, that's not why we're going to Oregon at all! If you're going to tell the story, you should at least tell it right!
Oh, well, should I start from the beginning, then? "Let me use the Time Turner," said Ron Weasley, student and bloody idiot. "It'll be fine," he said, "What could possibly go wrong?" WELL THIS IS WHAT BLOODY DID!
I think you should both calm down. I mean, at least Hermione had that history of American wizards with her when this happened. Now all we've got to do is get to Oregon and find this "Crazy Cal," he's supposed to the the greatest wizard of this time, surely he'll be able to help us if anyone can. And Muggles got to Oregon all the time, how hard can it be?
I do hope we get back alright, and soon. My gran's going to kill me...
Well! I hope the boys have had enough fun with my journal, since I'm certainly going to cast a Secrecy Charm on it after this. As I was trying to say: here begins the trail journal of Hermione Granger, formerly a student of Hogwarts, accompanied, unfortunately, by Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Neville Longbottom, also of Hogwarts.
Today we set out from Independence, Missouri, having in our possession 4 sets of clothing, 6 oxen, 1 covered wagon, 1 rifle, 5 boxes of bullets, 4 wands, 200 pounds of food, and 1 toad.
Bother. All the wagon trains seem to have left already, or want to leave much later. It looks as if the four of us will have to manage on our own. Oh well, I'm sure we'll be fine.
April 1, 1848
Trust a bunch of ruddy boys to muck things right up! Five miles into our journey and already this!
Crossed the Blue River today, or at least tried to. I insisted that we should caulk our wagons and float across, but of course Ron and Harry thought that sounded like too much work, so they just went on and tried to ford the river.
Only it was too bloody deep, and they flooded the wagon. We lost 2 boxes of bullets and 50 pounds of food before I thought to cast an Impervious spell on the rest of our things.
And my socks are soaked.
Bugger all!
April 8, 1848
Came to Blue Mound today. Rather misleading name, if you ask me-- should be the Green Mound.
Decided to go hunting. In retrospect, perhaps not the wisest of ideas. Of course, we only have the one rifle, and of course Harry wanted to shoot, and of course Ron sulked, and of course Neville thought he saw a bear and was terrified.
So of course they returned with zero pounds of game.
And of course I had to go out and shoot a deer, using one bullet and bringing back 110 pounds of game, all of which I was able to carry back to the wagon (with a little help from Mobilicorpus venison, of course.)
If we continue to hunt in the area, game with become scarce, as will my patience.
April 20, 1848
Came to St. Mary's Mission today. Ended up purchasing 1 pound of candy-- a worthwhile investment, if it'll get Ron to shut up for a few minutes.
April 22, 1848
Crossed the Red Vermillion River today. Although it appeared extremely treacherous, we were able to successfully cross.
No thanks to Harry.
April 27, 1848
Successfully crossed the Big Blue River. I think we're getting the hang of this!
Ron may, however, have accidentally hexed some fish.
Oh well, I'm sure they'll die out soon enough-- whoever heard of fish with whiskers?
May 4, 1848
Came across an abandoned wagon today. We searched it and found one raincoat. Fat lot of good that'll do us.
Did, however, get some good advice from the ghost who was inhabiting the wagon, the poor dear.
May 8, 1848
Reached Fort Kearney today. Stocked up on supplies. Didn't like the way that blacksmith was looking at me one bit.
May 23, 2848
Bollocks! Tipped our wagon today, when trying to cross the South Platte River. Managed to save most of our supplies, but poor Neville broke his leg. Wish Madam Pomfrey were here. We decided to set the bone, and give him some laudanum for the pain.
May 27, 1848
Passed Courthouse and Jail Rocks today. Do not understand these American landmark names, as to me they look pretty much like any other rock.
May 28, 1848
Fear Neville may be addicted to laudanum.
Plus he keeps calling me "Mum."
Reached Chimney Rock today. This name seems more suitable than others, though I think "Phallic Symbol Rock" might be even more appropriate.
June 4, 1848
Crossed the Laramie River today, and reached Fort John.
These forts all look the same, and none of them even have cinemas.
June 15, 1848
Independence Rock today. Possibly most confusingly-named landmark to date. Aha, I've just consulted my guidebook: apparently, it is so named because most wagon trains reach it around Independence Day.
That puts us rather ahead of schedule, then. Brilliant!
June 17, 1848
Went hunting today. Using one bullet, we shot 73 pounds of game, and were able to carry all of it back to our wagon.
Ron sustained head wounds from a freakish goose incident. We cleaned the wound with antiseptic.
June 21, 1848
Harry's come down with smallpox.
Bother.
The guidebook suggests fluid and salt repletion, along with laudanum. However, I think one laundanum junkie is quite enough for this wagon party, so I suppose we'll just stick with the fluids and salt.
June 30, 1848
Blast. Harry's really ill, I hope he's better soon!
Neville's been trying to find some sort of natural cure, but our Herbology classes thus far just haven't covered American flora.
He did make a lovely blueberry pie, though.
July 4, 1848
American Independence Day. We've heard some celebrations along the trail, and we've our own cause for celebration: Harry's fever seems to have broken.
July 12, 1848
Arrived at Soda Springs today. Much to Ron's disappointment, does not actually involve soda.
July 20, 1848
Fort Hall today. Had an interesting conversation with a slightly insane old man. Gave me a bit of a funny look when he overheard Ron and Neville talking about Quidditch. Managed to convince him that they were the crazy ones, and Harry and I were taking them out west for treatment. Must be more careful from now on-- how to explain to Muggles that we're wizards from the future?
July 28, 1848
A thief has stolen 1 box of bullets and 1 set of clothing. Specifically, Ron's set of clothing, and he's quite embarrassed about it.
The rest of us are puzzled as to how the thief managed to steal the clothing while Ron was wearing it.
I've always thought that Ron could be an excellent student if he put half the effort into his homework as he does into getting into improbable situations.
August 3, 1848
I do hope we make it to a fort or trading post soon-- we've long run out of fruits and vegetables, and I fear the onset of scurvy. Ron says I'm being ridiculous, but I'm not sure.
August 8, 1848
Reached Fort Walla Walla today, hurrah! Purchased 30 pounds of dried fruit, and a keg of pickles.
August 20, 1848
Reached the Deschutes River. This means that the end of our journey is in sight-- that is, if I'm reading the map correctly.
Which I, of course, am.
August 21, 1848
Have reached the Dalles! From here, we can either raft down the Columbia River, or take the Barlow Toll Road. Given our troubles with river crossings, I'm not at all sure I fancy the rafting option. Ron and Harry, of course, think that turning our wagon into a raft sounds fun, and Neville's feigning indifference. Bother, I suppose we'll raft. I mean, we've defeated Voldemort twice, how much harder can a stupid river be?
August 22, 1848
Oh God, couldn't we just fight Voldemort instead? There are rapids and things, and Neville thinks he saw a shark...
It's easy for Harry to be calm-- he's the protagonist, of course he'll be fine! But Ron and I-- we're sidekicks! We're expendable! And Neville-- well, I wouldn't be sleeping soundly if were him.
Bloody raft.
August 25, 1848
Have finally reached Oregon City! Now need only find "Crazy Cal"-- not a reassuring name, but the book insists that he's a genius. Bit eccentric, perhaps.
August 26, 1848
This may be more difficult than anticipated. Have asked around, but no one seems to know anything-- or at least, no one seems willing to tell us anything. Something I'd not considered-- we could be stuck here forever! I wonder if time's passing normally in our time. I bet mum and dad miss me. Oh God, what if we're expelled? We'll have missed several months of class.
August 27, 1848
Finally, some help! In, I must confess, a rather seedy establishment, someone heard us asking after Crazy Cal. A young woman, she smiled and asked us what business we had with Crazy Cal. I told her it was an emergency, and we desperately needed his help. She told us an address, and to be there after sunset. We thanked her for her help and left.
Quite a surprise, then, to see the same woman that night. Neville, ever the charmer, spit out, "You're Crazy Cal? But you're-- I mean, you... don't look crazy. Is all."
She smiled and said, "Ah well, we rarely do. Calpurnia Jones, charmed to meet you."
"But-- I mean, I've read about you-- we thought you were a man," I said.
She explained that the American wizarding world wasn't too keen on women, at the moment, and she often found it best to do a bit of gender bending. Understandable, I suppose. We explained our situation to her, and she hmmmed for a bit. Finally she said, "You know, I have a friend you should talk to instead." She led us down the street, telling us that we were lucky he was here, as he didn't visit very often. She introduced us to a Dr. Emmett Brown, who, truth be told, looked much crazier than Cal herself.
Once again, we explained our situation, and he seemed very excited and asked to see the Time Turner. His white hair looked like it hadn't been combed in ages, and he made big, enthusiastic hand gestures. But he did say he was willing and able to take us home. So he led us behind his house, pushed back some weeds, revealing a car. Ron said it was a DeLorean-- his dad thought they were fascinating, and apparently thought about buying one awhile back.
Dr. Brown explained that this was a time machine he made in the year 1985. He was a scientist, and seemed really fascinated by magic. Best of all, he took us back to right before the... incident, so we didn't actually miss school or anything.
Here ends the trail journal of Hermione Granger.
So I hope, Professor McGonagall, that all of this is sufficient explanation for why that textbook I borrowed from you has a bit of water damage.
-- Hermione
--fin