She woke up, comfortably conscious of the fact that she was lying in Ric's arms, that he was there and had been there all night. Not that anything had happened between them. Neither of them would have let their guard down that much. But they had slowly become tired, sitting on the sofa, and had eventually drifted off to sleep, curled up in each other's arms, in Diane's bed. It was comfortable and it was easy, and both were content to let that much happen between them.
Her eyes opened slowly, and she found herself facing him. His expression was sleepy, but when he saw her looking at him, he smiled. "Morning," he said, quietly.
"Morning yourself," she replied, suppressing a yawn with difficulty.
He kissed her forehead gently before sitting up. "Are you alright?" he asked her, stroking her hair away from her face, anxiety etched in every part of his face.
"I'm fine…" She shook her head slightly. "Well, not fine… but okay… considering." She sat up as well, and leant against him, smiling up at him. "It's nice to not have to wake up by myself," she told him quietly.
He kissed her hair gently. "You don't have to… I'll stay here as long as you want me to," he assured her, putting one arm around her.
She raised an eyebrow. "You don't mean that." She fiddled with a button on her nightie, determinedly not looking at him. "You'd be gone the moment you got a better offer, Ric. The moment a woman offered to let you sleep in her bed in a less innocent sense, you'd be gone."
"Diane… you don't really think that, do you?" He tilted her chin up so that she had to look at him.
"Well, wouldn't you?" she countered. "If you had a choice between listening to me moaning and asking you to operate on me, or going out and actually having some fun with someone, what would you choose?"
He stroked her hair. "Diane, I'm sorry you think that." He swallowed slightly before speaking. "I'd choose you over anyone. And I mean that," he added, before she had a chance to dispute that. "I'd choose you over any other woman… you mean an awful lot to me, you know that?"
She kissed his cheek gently. "You're so sweet," she told him, watching his expression intently. She saw his face fall slightly. "Was that… was that not what you wanted me to say?" she queried, hesitantly.
He laughed. "Can you read me that well?" he said, trying to hide his disappointment with a rueful laugh. He tightened his grip around her slightly.
"Maybe that sounded wrong…" She leant her head on his chest. "I didn't mean to sound dismissive or anything… you mean a lot to me too…" She smiled at him.
That wasn't what I meant, he wanted to tell her. I meant that I love you, that I can't imagine my life without you, that I would never leave you… He sighed and nodded, stroking her hair again. He watched her closely, and forced a smile in case she was watching him.
"Do you have to work today?" she asked, quietly, hoping that the answer would be no, and hoping that he would be able to stay with her all day, stay with her and allay her fears, keep her sane.
"I've not got a very full list… I could delegate if you want me here…" he offered, more than prepared to do so. He rolled over in the bed and picked up his mobile from the floor, next to his wallet. "I'll call Zubin and tell him I won't be in."
"Ric, no, I can't make you do that…" She wanted to, though. She wanted so badly to be able to have the strength, the courage, to ask him to stay with her, but she knew that she couldn't. Peoples' lives would be on the line if he didn't go into work. This was one day, and she wasn't important enough to ask him to be with her for that one day.
"You're not making me do anything." His voice was firm but caring, and he looked as though he loved her… She shook her head slightly, wondering where that thought had come from. Love just didn't come into the equation, not right now. She really did not want to focus on relationships now. Not that she ever had. The only long-term relationships she had had in her life had left her shattered, left her drained. Either shattered by the abuse, drained from the emotional abuse and exhausted from the physical pain, or shattered by the feeling of being without the person she had come to rely on so much in her life. She had walked out of the abusive relationship, shutting the door behind her firmly. But she had never left the other one. He was still with her, all the time.
She nodded, feeling close to tears at that thought. "Thank you," she whispered, as she watched him dial Zubin's number.
"Zubin… it's me…" One of his arms encircled her, and he kissed her hair while he listened to Zubin's reply. "Yes, I'm still at Diane's… what business of yours is that?" His voice had risen slightly, and Diane edged away, not liking the annoyed tone. Ric stroked her hair reassuringly before standing up and going into the hallway, not wanting Diane to hear the conversation.
"So you slept with her then?" Zubin wasn't so much asking, as stating a fact.
Ric bit his lip for a moment, trying to quell his anger. "I slept in her bed. I didn't have sex with her. Not that it's any of your business, Zube."
"I don't want to see you get hurt."
"What? You think Diane's going to hurt me?" He didn't care that his voice had risen loud enough for Diane to hear him; he didn't care about anything other than getting his point across to Zubin. "No one's going to be hurting anyone, because we are just friends, okay?"
"What's the matter?" Ric whirled around to see Diane standing in the doorway, her face anxious.
Ric put his hand over the phone. "Just Zubin being stupid." He spoke to Zubin again. "Zubin, I'm not coming in today. Can you get someone to see to my list for me?"
"Why aren't you coming in?" Zubin asked, suspiciously.
"Diane wants me to stay here…" Ric sighed as he heard Zubin's disapproval radiating over the phone as clearly as if he had spoken. "Zubin Khan, if you value your life, you won't say anything."
"I just…" Zubin's reply was cut off as Ric jabbed the end call button.
"What's up with him?" Diane asked, walking over to Ric.
"Nothing…" Ric sighed. Diane's look told him that that wasn't enough of an answer. "Zubin has… ideas… about you and I."
"Ideas…?" she prompted. When he remained silent, she shrugged. "You mean as in the spending last night doing something a lot less innocent sense? He thinks we're sleeping together?"
"Sort of…" He hesitated. "He also thinks that we're both going to end up getting hurt if we do go down that road."
"What does he know?" A feeling of indignation was bubbling up inside of her: how dare Zubin jump to conclusions? How dare he think that he knew her feelings, Ric's feelings? "What right does he have…?"
"None." He crossed the hallway towards her and touched her arm gently. "None. He's talking rubbish, so ignore him."
"Doesn't it – doesn't it bother you? People talking?" she asked, quietly, taking the opportunity to ask something she had wanted to know for a long time. Ric never seemed to mind what people thought, he was so different to her. She hated to think that people were talking about her, hated that when people looked at her, they saw a different woman to the one she saw in the mirror every morning. She didn't want them to look. It was fine if they left her alone.
"I'm not going to lie and say it doesn't," he replied, smiling slightly. "But Diane, you and I know the truth. If Zubin's got nothing better to do than think up dramas about our lives, then that's his problem."
"I guess." She wasn't convinced. People talking… that was why she had done it all. Why she hadn't married him, fear of what people would say: a young registrar marrying a man twenty or more years her senior. A rich man. It was why she had had a termination. People gossiping about her, carrying a dead man's child, how awful for her, whispers in the corridors, always there. Her baby having to grow up with a dead man for a father. If it had been anything like her, it wouldn't have coped. Why she hadn't let him move in with her, why she hadn't let him kiss her in that corridor… it all came down to other people. Their expectations of her, their views of her. Of them.
"If it bothers you, Diane, I'll talk to him about it, try and get him to shut his mouth for once," Ric offered, stroking her arm gently.
She shook her head. "I don't… I don't want to make a fuss." She bit her lip slightly. "He's going to have a big problem with that favour I asked, isn't he?"
"That's not his business either," he told her. "It's not like you're asking him, and it's not like there's any official rule saying I can't do it." Unfortunately. He had lain awake most of the night, desperately trying to think of a reason as to why he couldn't do it. He didn't want to take a knife to her perfect skin; he didn't want to do anything that might hurt her. But they had never been married, and there was no official relationship between them to prevent him from having to do it.
She nodded, fully aware of his train of thought. "I am sorry," she said, quietly.
"It's okay," he reassured her. "Look, I know you – you probably don't want to think about this, but… when do you want it to… well, when would you rather it…" He stopped and cleared his throat. "What I'm trying to say is…"
She cut him off. "As soon as you can do it," she interrupted. "I just want to get it over with and out of the way."
He began thinking through his schedule for the week, desperately trying to think of a timeslot where he could fit her in… and not a hurried early-morning or last minute time either. He didn't want to rush her. "I… I could fit you in the day after tomorrow…" he said, slowly, thinking of his free afternoon.
She felt herself falling, and grabbed onto the wall to support herself. "Okay." It was so soon. She'd said as soon as he could do it, but she hadn't thought… no. Not that quick. It was major surgery, major surgery with major risks. She'd thought she would have more time to prepare.
"Diane… that is okay with you, isn't it?" he asked, tentatively.
"Fine, fine, yeah!" She knew she sounded too hasty, but she had no control over it. She moved away slightly. "I need to… go…" She gestured towards the bathroom door, and stumbled towards it, slamming the door behind her and sinking to the floor the instant it was shut.
"Diane, are you alright?" he asked, anxiously.
She wanted to shout out that she wasn't, of course she wasn't, she probably had cancer and was depending on her best friend, on him, to save her life. But instinct changed her reply before it left her mouth. "I'm fine…" she said, listlessly. "Just fine."
She closed her eyes, blocking out everything but the sound of him outside, wanting to make sure she was alright. She closed her eyes and she prayed, prayed like she had never done before. Please God, please don't let me die.