Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.
Chapter 10: Confusion
After Christmas Break, everyone resumed classes. Draco tried his hardest to avoid Hermione. The very thought of her made him sad even though on the surface, all you could see was hate and contempt.
One day, they had an assignment to do as Head Boy and Girl. Dumbledore had asked them to write one joint speech for graduation. He thought it should be about inter-house relations and the importance of house unity.
Draco had offered to Hermione that if she chose to, she could write the whole speech by herself and he would read whatever it was she wanted him to but she said that he had to do at least half of the work. When he offered to do ALL of the work, she said there was no way she would let him take all the credit for it. So, he was stuck. He would have to work with her. And when he was near her, he would be mean and cruel, even though it was just Voldemort and Slytherin now that they had taken over.
They worked in the common room that they shared. Hermione was writing her parts and he was writing his. "I was thinking we should add that we managed not to kill each other while sharing a room in St. Mungo's and sharing living quarters here as well. I thought the students might find that surprising and it might encourage them to follow in our footsteps." Hermione suggested.
"The only reason we didn't kill each other in St. Mungo's, Granger, was because I was in a coma and not able to move and you were paralyzed and couldn't get out of bed let alone reach for your God forsaken wand."
"I know that, and you know that, but they don't have to know that."
"They all know that I was in a coma!"
"I guarantee you that they have forgotten that by now! It's not like you being in a coma was the biggest news that happened all year."
"Whatever you want to say, mud blood. I was thinking that in the speech, we should add that Godric Gryffindor and Salazar Slytherins were at one point best friends and the only thing that separated them was their views on the students."
"That's good, but leave out the part about the views of the students. Many of the students in school might be uncomfortable. You know, the selectiveness of Slytherin's is just something that people have chosen to not talk about. I mean, we all know it exists. Of course it does. Hate and prejudice exist in every culture but it's not something people like to have thrown in their face."
"But that's just silly. YOU LOVE when I call you a mud blood."
"Ugh... Malfoy can you just try to be mature for like... ONE second? Please?"
"Fine!" They continued writing, neither one speaking, but he hated the sound of silence so he decided the break it. "I saw that Oliver Wood was visiting today. Why is he here?"
"He came to check up on the Quidditch team. He likes to do that from time to time. Plus, he's a really good friend of ours and we like when he comes to spend time with us."
"Yes, a good friend... sure he is. I saw you kiss him today. What was that?"
"Well I don't see how it's any of your business but if you must know, he asked me out last night and I said yes."
Draco, without even realizing it, had begun to scowl. His fists were clenched. Inside, his mind was racing. 'She's mine! How dare she go out with someone else! How dare she betray me like that!' He took three deep breaths and regained his composure while trying to remember Hermione and he were not together any longer. "Interesting. I didn't know anyone in their right mind would fall for a mud blood like you but I guess I was mistaken."
"Apparently," she said with a look of satisfaction on her face. She had seen him scowl and his hands ball up into fists but the only explanation for that would be jealousy which was not logical. This was Malfoy. He hated her.
"So tell me, mudblood, how is it that a little bitch like you has gotten so far in her studies? How is it that you are Head Girl even though you missed half of the yeah?"
"I won't tolerate that language, Malfoy. And as for how it is that I became Head Girl and top of the class, it's simple. I study, I do the work, and I earn my grades."
"Or you suck up. I'm guessing that's it. You suck up to the teachers, kiss ass. That's what you are. You're a little teacher's pet."
"I will not sit here and listen to you accuse me of not earning my grades! I'm here because I deserve to be unlike you whose father bought him everything he ever needed in life!"
He took a menacing step towards her and grabbed her shoulders roughly. "My father gave me nothing. That man didn't care about me OR my mother, so don't talk about things you have no comprehension of. I will not accept it."
"Then don't accuse ME of things that aren't true! Merlin, Malfoy, can't you just try to get along with me?"
"Guess not. Better have Potty and the Weasel come up here and straighten me out. Hell, Wood can join in, too. All three of your boyfriends against me. The funny thing is, I could still win."
"You wish, Malfoy. You wish." She returned to her work, ignoring all of his other rude comments.
After a while, he handed her a piece of parchment and said, "There's what I have. Incorporate what I wrote with whatever you get and I'm sure it'll be one great speech. Highlight what I will be reading and make an extra copy for me. I'm going to bed. Night..." he sounded like he was trying to be somewhat pleasant and she smiled but a frown crossed her face the moment he muttered, "mud blood."
He disappeared into his room and she was left combining both parts. She didn't mind, though. She would have done it all herself but it was the principal of it all. She couldn't let him get away with doing none of the work.
She finished all her work and left the Head Tower. She went walking and found herself in one of the Guest Wings that were in Hogwarts. She only knew of them because that was where Oliver was staying. She went to a portrait of a Quidditch Player flying around the Quidditch Pitch and said "Chudley Cannons." That was the password because it was Oliver's favorite team. She walked in and found Oliver reading on the couch.
"Hello, Oliver."
"Oh Hello Hermione. I thought that you were working on the speech with Malfoy tonight. I didn't expect a visit from you."
She sat down next to him and smiled. "We finished earlier than I had expected and I wanted to come and say hello to you. It was so stressful spending time with that prat and I just wanted someone to make me smile before I went to sleep. Imagine that man being the last person you speak to before you fall asleep."
"It sounds awful. I couldn't even imagine. But try not to think of him right now. Just think about the fact that I am here, and you are here, and no one else is here..." he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.
"OLIVER! Honestly! Get your head out of the gutter! I'm not going to sleep with you. We've only been going out for a day now."
He laughed and looked at her now very flushed face. "I was merely saying that we were alone. It was YOU who had her mind in the gutter," he said sarcastically.
"If you say so," she replied with a smile. She pressed her lips gently over his and they shared a warm kiss. She couldn't help but feeling, as they deepened the kiss, that something was missing, like he wasn't the man that she should be kissing but she had no idea where this feeling came from. She felt incomplete and almost as if she was being unfaithful to someone. She knew that was crazy because she wasn't dating anyone else but she couldn't shake the feeling.
"I'm going to go back to my room now and go to sleep," she said when she broke the kiss. "I only wanted to say goodnight. I'll see you in the morning for breakfast, right?"
"Of course. I'll be there." He kissed her cheek and watched her disappear out the portrait hole. She rushed to her room and slammed the door shut behind her. She leaned against it and slid down to the floor, resting her head in her hands and sobbing uncontrollably. She found it strange that the only person she wanted to see right now was Malfoy. She entered the bathroom that joined their rooms together and opened the door that led to his room. She only creaked it open a little and through the crack, she could see Draco sleeping on his bed.
She turned around again and went back to her room, figuring that something must have been wrong with her if she was about to go and spill all of her thoughts and problems to Malfoy. In her mind, she blamed it on sleep deprivation. She fell asleep but all of her dreams were filled with horrors that kept her tossing and turning. When she woke up, it was only three a.m. She went down to the common room and took a seat on the couch in front of the fire.
She sat there for about an hour until she was disturbed. "Granger, what are you doing up so damn early? It's nearly four in the morning!"
"I could say the same thing to you!" she shot back. It was late and she wasn't nearly awake enough to be arguing with him.
"I happen to wake up this early every morning. I go for a jog around the school and then I shower off before you even wake up. I like to have time to myself right before I go to class so I wake up early to do everything else I need to do. Now it's your turn."
"I couldn't sleep."
"And why is that?"
"I had a nightmare," she confessed. She stared into the fire, never looking him in the face. She didn't want to tell him exactly what she had felt that night with Oliver and she especially didn't want to tell him that HE was the one she thought about running to for comfort.
"A nightmare about what?"
"I can't really remember. When I woke up, everything erased from my memory. It's odd and torturing but I know that it was a horrible scare and I usually pride myself on never being scared so when I say this was a horrible scare, I mean it. I woke up with sweat pouring down my face and I was clutching onto the bed for dear life. I've never been so shaken up in all my life."
He looked concerned for a moment but quickly recovered. Rule number 1: never let anyone know your true emotions. "As much as I love to waist my time pretending that I care, I have a schedule to keep. See you later, Granger." He began to walk away but she had stood up and walked over to him. She placed a hand on his shoulder to stop him from leaving.
"Why do I feel a connection to you?"
"Get your filthy hands off of me mudblood, or you WILL lose them!" he snarled. She backed away even though she wasn't really afraid.
"Why? Why is it that when I was sad, I wanted to run to you? Why is it that when I woke up, terrified of whatever it was that I dreamt of, why did I feel like you could help me? What's wrong with me, Malfoy? I've never been so confused and I don't like this feeling." She let a tear stroll lazily down her cheek and he lifted his hand and wiped it away with his thumb.
"Cry all you want. You have that right. Besides, you look good even with tears on your face. I can't answer your questions the way you would like me to. The only thing I can say is that you will be all right soon enough. The emptiness inside of you will fade and someday a man will come and you will fall deeply in love with him. He will complete you."
"I never said I was incomplete or empty," she said suspiciously. "How did you know that? Do I have the words 'Lonely' and 'Depressed' written across my forehead? How would you know all of that unless you knew something that I didn't?"
"I have to go," he said dismissively. He left before she could choke out another word. He left the castle and began to jog around the lake. His thoughts were going wild. 'How stupid could I be? I tried to comfort her! That was the most idiotic thing I have ever done! I can't believe it! I might as well have confessed everything to her.'
Hermione sat alone in her room and cried. She wasn't sure what was wrong with her. Why was she feeling pity for herself? What did Malfoy have to do with her sorrow? Why had he tried to comfort her? There were so many questions that she wanted to know the answer to but had no way to find them.
She got up and went to the bathroom to take a warm shower. Once she had removed all of her clothes, she stepped in the tub and let the steaming water wash over her. Her tears blended in with the water and she couldn't tell any longer if she was still crying. She stayed in the shower until her fingers began to wrinkle. When she looked in the mirror, she saw her eyes were red and puffy but at least they were dry now. 'This will be a long day if I can't stop feeling sorry for myself,' she thought to herself. She went to her room and prepared for class.
The next few weeks, Hermione and Draco avoided each other at all costs. They knew what had happened that day was out of the ordinary and to try to explain it would be a hard task.
Oliver visited every weekend but still Hermione felt as if she was being untrue to someone. She did her best to keep on a smile but when she was alone, she cried herself to sleep. Life just wasn't going the way she had planned it. She never expected to be depressed and she certainly never expected herself to be unhappy within the arms of a man that she knew she could truly trust and fall in love with.
Classes went well. She was top of her class (as always) and got perfect marks. She found it surprising that she was still doing this well in all of her classes because she hardly ever paid attention anymore. Her thoughts were a little busy wondering what she was missing.
Draco noticed her depressed state and cursed at himself for what he had done. He thought that taking away her memories would assure her a happy life and make positive that she was never in the position to be lonely or depressed. He knew it was all his fault and he wished now that there was a way that he could fix it. But he also knew that it could've ended up just the same way, if not worse if he had not taken those memories from her. All he could do was hope that in the end she would be all right. Things always work themselves out in the end.
He found ways of staying away from her. If he didn't, he thought he would surely die in agony of not being able to hold her. All he wanted to do was reach out to her and fall asleep in her arms. But the other half of him was indifferent towards her. She was still a mudblood fighting against the dark side and that made her the enemy. Being torn between hate and love, he decided avoiding her was his answer.
Though life was by no means happy and enjoyable, neither one of them could say that it was dull. Every day, their homework piles filled. All around them, couples were forming. Harry had begun to see a sixth year girl in Ravenclaw. Ron was now dating Parvati but Hermione had seen that coming for a while now. Even Neville had found a girlfriend. He and Luna Lovegood had started seeing one another around Christmas.
Draco had decided that he would propose to Pansy. She was a Death Eater and a pureblood. It was expected of him. His father had always said that he was betrothed to her and now he was going to carry that out. She would make the perfect queen of the Dark Side. Everything in her was evil. All she had in her was lies and deceit. Perfect.
One night, Hermione was sick of Malfoy ignoring her. She went to his bedroom door and knocked three times (more like pounded). He mumbled something under his breath and walked to the door, wearing only his black sweatpants that he wore to sleep. When he opened the door and saw Hermione, he was tempted to slam it in her face but he resisted his urge and instead welcomed her into his room.
She felt surprisingly comfortable in his room and she sat down on one of his comfortable chairs. He sat in the seat next to her and they just stared at each other for a while, neither one was sure of what to say.
After about fifteen minutes, she broke the silence. "You can't avoid me forever, Malfoy. If you want to hate me, that's fine. Then hate me. But don't go out of your way to avoid me, taking different routes to class and never coming back to the common room. I'd rather your insults than your back."
"Gee, I didn't know you cared about me," he said sarcastically. "I wasn't avoiding you." He was lying through his teethe but it didn't much matter anymore. He stood up and leaned against the wall, facing away from her. She stood as well and for the second time, placed a hand on his shoulder.
"I said I didn't want to see your back! Don't ignore me especially when I'm right here!"
"Why do you care?" He asked while turning to face her. "We're not friends, we're not study buddies, we're nothing! Why do you care what I think of you or how I treat you?"
"Because you're the only one in this world who is sincere! All of my other friends, they're always too busy to spend time with me anymore and when they do, they're fake. Everything they say is sugarcoated! I want someone in this world to just be REAL! You're always real."
"What about Oliver?"
"He would never say the truth if he thinks it would hurt me. He doesn't want to lose me. I don't think he realizes that telling me the truth and what he truly thinks is the surest way to keep me with him."
"Oh," was all that Draco could say in response. Hermione couldn't believe that she had just confessed all of that to Malfoy but she was glad that she had. He was the only person she felt she could talk to.
"You're always real and true with me. You never change who you are just to make others happy. I wish there were a few more people like you in this school, Malfoy, even if they all hated me. I just want the world to go back to being honest! Why can't everyone just be who they are without worrying what others will think?"
"Because that's not how everything works, Granger, and you bloody well know it. People are what they are. Some people are cowards and others are brave. But bravery is not measured in how many heroic acts one can perform and at what age they can do it, but instead by the everyday actions they perform. Can they be themselves and cast aside all of the negative comments that others throw their way? YOU, Granger, are the bravest person that I know. In all of my years of knowing you, you have never once given a damn if I insulted you and all of the insults that I have said have been pretty hurtful." He said the last part with a smile on his face. No, not a smile. It was a smirk. It was the Draco Malfoy smirk and it made Hermione cautious. It was as if she suddenly realized who she was having this conversation with.
"Thanks, I think. I'm sorry to have just barged in here like I did but I guess I was just annoyed with everything and I had to take it out on somebody. Thanks for listening."
"Listen here, Granger. I am NOT your friend and I will not be the guy you run to with all of your problems." He grew angrier at her with every word he spoke. Without even realizing what he was saying, the words just flew out of his mouth. "I can't just be your friend. It hurts too much. If I can't have all of you, then I don't think it's good for us to have any contact whatsoever. The pain is just too near for me. Please just accept this and leave me in peace."
He turned around and showed her his back once more. She moved around in front of him and stood there staring at his expressionless face. "I'm confused. Did you want to be something MORE than just friends? I don't understand this. What happened to the old Draco Malfoy, the one that used to hate me and say rude things all the time? Now it hurts you to not be able to be with me? Stop me if I'm wrong!"
"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!" he hollered. "I didn't choose this for us. I never wanted it! Why couldn't the war just be over and I could go on and live my life with the woman that I loved and then we would live happily ever after? I want the fairy tale ending! I don't want to be the Dark Lord anymore! I want them out of me! I don't want to be evil!" He had gained some control over his emotions and had to pour them out, no matter if the one person he didn't want to hear them was listening. "It pains me every day to see you but I know that if I do, I will just fight with you and deny my true emotions so I just... stay away. It's difficult but I don't have much of a choice. I'm consumed by Voldemort and Slytherin and there's no way to change that!"
Draco sat down on her bed and buried his head in his hands. She sat down beside him and lifted his face up to look her in the eyes. "Shh..." she whispered into his ear. "Tell me what I'm missing. I just don't get it." He stood up once more, infuriated by her words.
"OF COURSE YOU DON'T GET IT! I MADE SURE YOU WOULDN'T! IT'S ALL MY FAULT!" He raged. She stood up and faced him
"Don't yell at me! I'm trying to understand what you're saying here and you're yelling at me!"
"I'M SORRY!" tears streamed down his cheeks and he fell on to his knees, sobbing. Hermione stood in front of him as he wrapped his arms around her waist in frustration. "I just wish I could take it all back," he confessed. "Please tell me I can take it all back. Please let me!"
She ran her hands through his hair lovingly and caressed his shoulders. "Shh... it's okay. Whatever you want, you can do whatever you want. Tell me how to help you."
He stood up and led her to his bed, laying down and pulling her with him. "I just want to go to sleep and forget all about this in the morning. Can you lay here with me until I fall asleep?"
She nodded her agreement and allowed him to rest his head on her chest, wrapping his arms around her waist. She stayed there until she saw his breathing slow signifying that he had fallen asleep. She slid out from underneath him. She didn't want to see him when he woke up. She was afraid that he would be the same old evil and cruel Draco as always.
She went back to her room and cried hysterically, hoping that when she woke up, she would be in a different place, a world where no one could lie and everyone got along. She knew that this world was Utopia and Utopia was virtually impossible. It was like asking for world peace but she still wanted it. She wanted to know what Draco wanted to take back. What did he do that he regretted? Why had he confessed to her that he was the Dark Lord? Everything he ever said confused her and she wanted so badly to just disappear and go where no one could find her. Maybe when she woke up she would run away... or was it just another dream... one that would never happen.
A/N... Okay.... I'm sooo sorry I haven't updated recently but I had MAJOR writers block. Also, I didn't get as many reviews as I wanted so if you want faster updates, you're going to have to review! I've got a lot of homework to do recently and finals are coming up so you'll really have to review in order for me to update. I hope you guys like this chapter. I'll be finishing up soon. I don't know how many chapters are left but there aren't many. NOW GO REVIEW.... PLEASE?
Chapter 10: Confusion
After Christmas Break, everyone resumed classes. Draco tried his hardest to avoid Hermione. The very thought of her made him sad even though on the surface, all you could see was hate and contempt.
One day, they had an assignment to do as Head Boy and Girl. Dumbledore had asked them to write one joint speech for graduation. He thought it should be about inter-house relations and the importance of house unity.
Draco had offered to Hermione that if she chose to, she could write the whole speech by herself and he would read whatever it was she wanted him to but she said that he had to do at least half of the work. When he offered to do ALL of the work, she said there was no way she would let him take all the credit for it. So, he was stuck. He would have to work with her. And when he was near her, he would be mean and cruel, even though it was just Voldemort and Slytherin now that they had taken over.
They worked in the common room that they shared. Hermione was writing her parts and he was writing his. "I was thinking we should add that we managed not to kill each other while sharing a room in St. Mungo's and sharing living quarters here as well. I thought the students might find that surprising and it might encourage them to follow in our footsteps." Hermione suggested.
"The only reason we didn't kill each other in St. Mungo's, Granger, was because I was in a coma and not able to move and you were paralyzed and couldn't get out of bed let alone reach for your God forsaken wand."
"I know that, and you know that, but they don't have to know that."
"They all know that I was in a coma!"
"I guarantee you that they have forgotten that by now! It's not like you being in a coma was the biggest news that happened all year."
"Whatever you want to say, mud blood. I was thinking that in the speech, we should add that Godric Gryffindor and Salazar Slytherins were at one point best friends and the only thing that separated them was their views on the students."
"That's good, but leave out the part about the views of the students. Many of the students in school might be uncomfortable. You know, the selectiveness of Slytherin's is just something that people have chosen to not talk about. I mean, we all know it exists. Of course it does. Hate and prejudice exist in every culture but it's not something people like to have thrown in their face."
"But that's just silly. YOU LOVE when I call you a mud blood."
"Ugh... Malfoy can you just try to be mature for like... ONE second? Please?"
"Fine!" They continued writing, neither one speaking, but he hated the sound of silence so he decided the break it. "I saw that Oliver Wood was visiting today. Why is he here?"
"He came to check up on the Quidditch team. He likes to do that from time to time. Plus, he's a really good friend of ours and we like when he comes to spend time with us."
"Yes, a good friend... sure he is. I saw you kiss him today. What was that?"
"Well I don't see how it's any of your business but if you must know, he asked me out last night and I said yes."
Draco, without even realizing it, had begun to scowl. His fists were clenched. Inside, his mind was racing. 'She's mine! How dare she go out with someone else! How dare she betray me like that!' He took three deep breaths and regained his composure while trying to remember Hermione and he were not together any longer. "Interesting. I didn't know anyone in their right mind would fall for a mud blood like you but I guess I was mistaken."
"Apparently," she said with a look of satisfaction on her face. She had seen him scowl and his hands ball up into fists but the only explanation for that would be jealousy which was not logical. This was Malfoy. He hated her.
"So tell me, mudblood, how is it that a little bitch like you has gotten so far in her studies? How is it that you are Head Girl even though you missed half of the yeah?"
"I won't tolerate that language, Malfoy. And as for how it is that I became Head Girl and top of the class, it's simple. I study, I do the work, and I earn my grades."
"Or you suck up. I'm guessing that's it. You suck up to the teachers, kiss ass. That's what you are. You're a little teacher's pet."
"I will not sit here and listen to you accuse me of not earning my grades! I'm here because I deserve to be unlike you whose father bought him everything he ever needed in life!"
He took a menacing step towards her and grabbed her shoulders roughly. "My father gave me nothing. That man didn't care about me OR my mother, so don't talk about things you have no comprehension of. I will not accept it."
"Then don't accuse ME of things that aren't true! Merlin, Malfoy, can't you just try to get along with me?"
"Guess not. Better have Potty and the Weasel come up here and straighten me out. Hell, Wood can join in, too. All three of your boyfriends against me. The funny thing is, I could still win."
"You wish, Malfoy. You wish." She returned to her work, ignoring all of his other rude comments.
After a while, he handed her a piece of parchment and said, "There's what I have. Incorporate what I wrote with whatever you get and I'm sure it'll be one great speech. Highlight what I will be reading and make an extra copy for me. I'm going to bed. Night..." he sounded like he was trying to be somewhat pleasant and she smiled but a frown crossed her face the moment he muttered, "mud blood."
He disappeared into his room and she was left combining both parts. She didn't mind, though. She would have done it all herself but it was the principal of it all. She couldn't let him get away with doing none of the work.
She finished all her work and left the Head Tower. She went walking and found herself in one of the Guest Wings that were in Hogwarts. She only knew of them because that was where Oliver was staying. She went to a portrait of a Quidditch Player flying around the Quidditch Pitch and said "Chudley Cannons." That was the password because it was Oliver's favorite team. She walked in and found Oliver reading on the couch.
"Hello, Oliver."
"Oh Hello Hermione. I thought that you were working on the speech with Malfoy tonight. I didn't expect a visit from you."
She sat down next to him and smiled. "We finished earlier than I had expected and I wanted to come and say hello to you. It was so stressful spending time with that prat and I just wanted someone to make me smile before I went to sleep. Imagine that man being the last person you speak to before you fall asleep."
"It sounds awful. I couldn't even imagine. But try not to think of him right now. Just think about the fact that I am here, and you are here, and no one else is here..." he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.
"OLIVER! Honestly! Get your head out of the gutter! I'm not going to sleep with you. We've only been going out for a day now."
He laughed and looked at her now very flushed face. "I was merely saying that we were alone. It was YOU who had her mind in the gutter," he said sarcastically.
"If you say so," she replied with a smile. She pressed her lips gently over his and they shared a warm kiss. She couldn't help but feeling, as they deepened the kiss, that something was missing, like he wasn't the man that she should be kissing but she had no idea where this feeling came from. She felt incomplete and almost as if she was being unfaithful to someone. She knew that was crazy because she wasn't dating anyone else but she couldn't shake the feeling.
"I'm going to go back to my room now and go to sleep," she said when she broke the kiss. "I only wanted to say goodnight. I'll see you in the morning for breakfast, right?"
"Of course. I'll be there." He kissed her cheek and watched her disappear out the portrait hole. She rushed to her room and slammed the door shut behind her. She leaned against it and slid down to the floor, resting her head in her hands and sobbing uncontrollably. She found it strange that the only person she wanted to see right now was Malfoy. She entered the bathroom that joined their rooms together and opened the door that led to his room. She only creaked it open a little and through the crack, she could see Draco sleeping on his bed.
She turned around again and went back to her room, figuring that something must have been wrong with her if she was about to go and spill all of her thoughts and problems to Malfoy. In her mind, she blamed it on sleep deprivation. She fell asleep but all of her dreams were filled with horrors that kept her tossing and turning. When she woke up, it was only three a.m. She went down to the common room and took a seat on the couch in front of the fire.
She sat there for about an hour until she was disturbed. "Granger, what are you doing up so damn early? It's nearly four in the morning!"
"I could say the same thing to you!" she shot back. It was late and she wasn't nearly awake enough to be arguing with him.
"I happen to wake up this early every morning. I go for a jog around the school and then I shower off before you even wake up. I like to have time to myself right before I go to class so I wake up early to do everything else I need to do. Now it's your turn."
"I couldn't sleep."
"And why is that?"
"I had a nightmare," she confessed. She stared into the fire, never looking him in the face. She didn't want to tell him exactly what she had felt that night with Oliver and she especially didn't want to tell him that HE was the one she thought about running to for comfort.
"A nightmare about what?"
"I can't really remember. When I woke up, everything erased from my memory. It's odd and torturing but I know that it was a horrible scare and I usually pride myself on never being scared so when I say this was a horrible scare, I mean it. I woke up with sweat pouring down my face and I was clutching onto the bed for dear life. I've never been so shaken up in all my life."
He looked concerned for a moment but quickly recovered. Rule number 1: never let anyone know your true emotions. "As much as I love to waist my time pretending that I care, I have a schedule to keep. See you later, Granger." He began to walk away but she had stood up and walked over to him. She placed a hand on his shoulder to stop him from leaving.
"Why do I feel a connection to you?"
"Get your filthy hands off of me mudblood, or you WILL lose them!" he snarled. She backed away even though she wasn't really afraid.
"Why? Why is it that when I was sad, I wanted to run to you? Why is it that when I woke up, terrified of whatever it was that I dreamt of, why did I feel like you could help me? What's wrong with me, Malfoy? I've never been so confused and I don't like this feeling." She let a tear stroll lazily down her cheek and he lifted his hand and wiped it away with his thumb.
"Cry all you want. You have that right. Besides, you look good even with tears on your face. I can't answer your questions the way you would like me to. The only thing I can say is that you will be all right soon enough. The emptiness inside of you will fade and someday a man will come and you will fall deeply in love with him. He will complete you."
"I never said I was incomplete or empty," she said suspiciously. "How did you know that? Do I have the words 'Lonely' and 'Depressed' written across my forehead? How would you know all of that unless you knew something that I didn't?"
"I have to go," he said dismissively. He left before she could choke out another word. He left the castle and began to jog around the lake. His thoughts were going wild. 'How stupid could I be? I tried to comfort her! That was the most idiotic thing I have ever done! I can't believe it! I might as well have confessed everything to her.'
Hermione sat alone in her room and cried. She wasn't sure what was wrong with her. Why was she feeling pity for herself? What did Malfoy have to do with her sorrow? Why had he tried to comfort her? There were so many questions that she wanted to know the answer to but had no way to find them.
She got up and went to the bathroom to take a warm shower. Once she had removed all of her clothes, she stepped in the tub and let the steaming water wash over her. Her tears blended in with the water and she couldn't tell any longer if she was still crying. She stayed in the shower until her fingers began to wrinkle. When she looked in the mirror, she saw her eyes were red and puffy but at least they were dry now. 'This will be a long day if I can't stop feeling sorry for myself,' she thought to herself. She went to her room and prepared for class.
The next few weeks, Hermione and Draco avoided each other at all costs. They knew what had happened that day was out of the ordinary and to try to explain it would be a hard task.
Oliver visited every weekend but still Hermione felt as if she was being untrue to someone. She did her best to keep on a smile but when she was alone, she cried herself to sleep. Life just wasn't going the way she had planned it. She never expected to be depressed and she certainly never expected herself to be unhappy within the arms of a man that she knew she could truly trust and fall in love with.
Classes went well. She was top of her class (as always) and got perfect marks. She found it surprising that she was still doing this well in all of her classes because she hardly ever paid attention anymore. Her thoughts were a little busy wondering what she was missing.
Draco noticed her depressed state and cursed at himself for what he had done. He thought that taking away her memories would assure her a happy life and make positive that she was never in the position to be lonely or depressed. He knew it was all his fault and he wished now that there was a way that he could fix it. But he also knew that it could've ended up just the same way, if not worse if he had not taken those memories from her. All he could do was hope that in the end she would be all right. Things always work themselves out in the end.
He found ways of staying away from her. If he didn't, he thought he would surely die in agony of not being able to hold her. All he wanted to do was reach out to her and fall asleep in her arms. But the other half of him was indifferent towards her. She was still a mudblood fighting against the dark side and that made her the enemy. Being torn between hate and love, he decided avoiding her was his answer.
Though life was by no means happy and enjoyable, neither one of them could say that it was dull. Every day, their homework piles filled. All around them, couples were forming. Harry had begun to see a sixth year girl in Ravenclaw. Ron was now dating Parvati but Hermione had seen that coming for a while now. Even Neville had found a girlfriend. He and Luna Lovegood had started seeing one another around Christmas.
Draco had decided that he would propose to Pansy. She was a Death Eater and a pureblood. It was expected of him. His father had always said that he was betrothed to her and now he was going to carry that out. She would make the perfect queen of the Dark Side. Everything in her was evil. All she had in her was lies and deceit. Perfect.
One night, Hermione was sick of Malfoy ignoring her. She went to his bedroom door and knocked three times (more like pounded). He mumbled something under his breath and walked to the door, wearing only his black sweatpants that he wore to sleep. When he opened the door and saw Hermione, he was tempted to slam it in her face but he resisted his urge and instead welcomed her into his room.
She felt surprisingly comfortable in his room and she sat down on one of his comfortable chairs. He sat in the seat next to her and they just stared at each other for a while, neither one was sure of what to say.
After about fifteen minutes, she broke the silence. "You can't avoid me forever, Malfoy. If you want to hate me, that's fine. Then hate me. But don't go out of your way to avoid me, taking different routes to class and never coming back to the common room. I'd rather your insults than your back."
"Gee, I didn't know you cared about me," he said sarcastically. "I wasn't avoiding you." He was lying through his teethe but it didn't much matter anymore. He stood up and leaned against the wall, facing away from her. She stood as well and for the second time, placed a hand on his shoulder.
"I said I didn't want to see your back! Don't ignore me especially when I'm right here!"
"Why do you care?" He asked while turning to face her. "We're not friends, we're not study buddies, we're nothing! Why do you care what I think of you or how I treat you?"
"Because you're the only one in this world who is sincere! All of my other friends, they're always too busy to spend time with me anymore and when they do, they're fake. Everything they say is sugarcoated! I want someone in this world to just be REAL! You're always real."
"What about Oliver?"
"He would never say the truth if he thinks it would hurt me. He doesn't want to lose me. I don't think he realizes that telling me the truth and what he truly thinks is the surest way to keep me with him."
"Oh," was all that Draco could say in response. Hermione couldn't believe that she had just confessed all of that to Malfoy but she was glad that she had. He was the only person she felt she could talk to.
"You're always real and true with me. You never change who you are just to make others happy. I wish there were a few more people like you in this school, Malfoy, even if they all hated me. I just want the world to go back to being honest! Why can't everyone just be who they are without worrying what others will think?"
"Because that's not how everything works, Granger, and you bloody well know it. People are what they are. Some people are cowards and others are brave. But bravery is not measured in how many heroic acts one can perform and at what age they can do it, but instead by the everyday actions they perform. Can they be themselves and cast aside all of the negative comments that others throw their way? YOU, Granger, are the bravest person that I know. In all of my years of knowing you, you have never once given a damn if I insulted you and all of the insults that I have said have been pretty hurtful." He said the last part with a smile on his face. No, not a smile. It was a smirk. It was the Draco Malfoy smirk and it made Hermione cautious. It was as if she suddenly realized who she was having this conversation with.
"Thanks, I think. I'm sorry to have just barged in here like I did but I guess I was just annoyed with everything and I had to take it out on somebody. Thanks for listening."
"Listen here, Granger. I am NOT your friend and I will not be the guy you run to with all of your problems." He grew angrier at her with every word he spoke. Without even realizing what he was saying, the words just flew out of his mouth. "I can't just be your friend. It hurts too much. If I can't have all of you, then I don't think it's good for us to have any contact whatsoever. The pain is just too near for me. Please just accept this and leave me in peace."
He turned around and showed her his back once more. She moved around in front of him and stood there staring at his expressionless face. "I'm confused. Did you want to be something MORE than just friends? I don't understand this. What happened to the old Draco Malfoy, the one that used to hate me and say rude things all the time? Now it hurts you to not be able to be with me? Stop me if I'm wrong!"
"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!" he hollered. "I didn't choose this for us. I never wanted it! Why couldn't the war just be over and I could go on and live my life with the woman that I loved and then we would live happily ever after? I want the fairy tale ending! I don't want to be the Dark Lord anymore! I want them out of me! I don't want to be evil!" He had gained some control over his emotions and had to pour them out, no matter if the one person he didn't want to hear them was listening. "It pains me every day to see you but I know that if I do, I will just fight with you and deny my true emotions so I just... stay away. It's difficult but I don't have much of a choice. I'm consumed by Voldemort and Slytherin and there's no way to change that!"
Draco sat down on her bed and buried his head in his hands. She sat down beside him and lifted his face up to look her in the eyes. "Shh..." she whispered into his ear. "Tell me what I'm missing. I just don't get it." He stood up once more, infuriated by her words.
"OF COURSE YOU DON'T GET IT! I MADE SURE YOU WOULDN'T! IT'S ALL MY FAULT!" He raged. She stood up and faced him
"Don't yell at me! I'm trying to understand what you're saying here and you're yelling at me!"
"I'M SORRY!" tears streamed down his cheeks and he fell on to his knees, sobbing. Hermione stood in front of him as he wrapped his arms around her waist in frustration. "I just wish I could take it all back," he confessed. "Please tell me I can take it all back. Please let me!"
She ran her hands through his hair lovingly and caressed his shoulders. "Shh... it's okay. Whatever you want, you can do whatever you want. Tell me how to help you."
He stood up and led her to his bed, laying down and pulling her with him. "I just want to go to sleep and forget all about this in the morning. Can you lay here with me until I fall asleep?"
She nodded her agreement and allowed him to rest his head on her chest, wrapping his arms around her waist. She stayed there until she saw his breathing slow signifying that he had fallen asleep. She slid out from underneath him. She didn't want to see him when he woke up. She was afraid that he would be the same old evil and cruel Draco as always.
She went back to her room and cried hysterically, hoping that when she woke up, she would be in a different place, a world where no one could lie and everyone got along. She knew that this world was Utopia and Utopia was virtually impossible. It was like asking for world peace but she still wanted it. She wanted to know what Draco wanted to take back. What did he do that he regretted? Why had he confessed to her that he was the Dark Lord? Everything he ever said confused her and she wanted so badly to just disappear and go where no one could find her. Maybe when she woke up she would run away... or was it just another dream... one that would never happen.
A/N... Okay.... I'm sooo sorry I haven't updated recently but I had MAJOR writers block. Also, I didn't get as many reviews as I wanted so if you want faster updates, you're going to have to review! I've got a lot of homework to do recently and finals are coming up so you'll really have to review in order for me to update. I hope you guys like this chapter. I'll be finishing up soon. I don't know how many chapters are left but there aren't many. NOW GO REVIEW.... PLEASE?