Chapter 4
After we got back home, I didn't even look at Dom. I could see him looking at me from the corner of my eye but I wasn't gonna be the first to speak. That would be like surrendering. And I never, ever, surrender. I went into the room we shared and started stripping off my clothes. It had been a long ass day and I felt like pampering myself for once.
It feels weird that I'm starting to be more healthy. But now I'm holding someone else. Things are different now. Yeah, I saw the look on their faces when I grabbed a glass of orange juice instead of tequila. I don't care. They'll find out soon enough.
I turned on the CD player and played "Walk Away" by Christina Aguilera and put it on repeat. I went into our bathroom and I let the water run as I looked into the full length mirror and put my hair up into a bun. I looked at my body to try to imagine myself in a couple of months. It was too weird.
Just then Dom walked in. I tried to act normal as he stood behind me and held me. He kissed my neck and traced my shoulders and I turned to meet his gaze and he looked so sad and sorry. Christina Aguilera's words were so true at this moment.
"What do you do, when you know something's bad for you, but you still...can't let go."
His once confident brown eyes were now so unconfident. He looked at me deeply and whispered, "I'm sorry." I kissed him. A deep, slow, meaningful, apologetic kiss that soon turned passionate and fervent. We ended up in the bath that smelled of cucumber melon, my favorite scent. He led. Slow and gentle for hours until I was exhausted. Then he carried me onto our bed and laid beside me. My last memory of him was him kissing my forehead and falling asleep against me.
* * *
I woke up out of instinct because I couldn't feel Dom's body near. I looked around with a blurred vision and squinted at the red digits of the alarm clock. 3:30 in the morning. Where the fuck was Dom??? The CD player was still on repeat and Christina's intuitive voice lingered as realization hit home.
"I was naive/your love was like candy/artificially sweet/ I was deceived by the wrapping/got caught in your web/and I learned how to bleed/ I was prey in your bed/and devoured completely...."
I put my head in my hands and bowed down and wept softly. I thought he was sorry. I was sure he wouldn't do it to me again. What was last night about then? Huh? What the FUCK was last night all about if he was just going to do it to me again??? I sobbed loudly as my heart broke for the last time. I stared at a switch blade knife that was on the bedside table. I grabbed it and felt on the slick cool feel of it. I rubbed it against the skin on my wrist.
Uh Oh. Severe depression time. Letty, what the fuck is wrong with you??? Have you completely lost it? What the hell is Dom doing to me? He's destroying me inside. At first I thought this was just a phase we were going through, but now it became clear to me that it was more than that. It was time to drop the big bombs.
The haunting Christina CD kept playing on regular play mode and it was now playing "Fighter".
"After all you put me through, you think I despise you, but in the end I wanna thank you, cause you made me that much stronger..."
That damn blonde really knows what she's talking about.
Clock hit 4:15 when I saw Dom walk in. I wanted to fuckin' punch him as soon as I saw him. Drunk as hell.
"Don't you ever do something so fuckin' stupid again! You hear me?
"Let. Please. I remembered the car didn't have no gas so I went to fill it up and these guys..."
"Just shut up, Dom. Just shut the fuck up. I just hate this shit, Dom. I can't take it right now. I have been scared shitless, you know that? I was just so sure any second I was gonna get a call saying you're…you're…Like Jesse. And I love you, Dominic. I'm sorry it doesn't always seem that way, but I do."
I was so fucking exhausted, I just didn't wanna fight. I just stood there slouching with tears in my eyes and he came to me. He lifted me so my legs were around his waist and I wrapped my arms around him as he carried me upstairs. Maybe it wasn't what I thought. He didn't smell like a woman and doesn't have hickies or raw lips. He's drunk as hell though.
He laid me on the bed and gave me an awesome back massage. Hmm. Maybe things ARE getting better. Maybe he really is sorry. I decided not to get my hopes up. He turned me over and started to make love to me slow and then he stopped and stared at me and I could tell he was thinking. I guess the stress really was eating at him because he went hard and fast and when he came he whispered that he loved me but I just looked at him, not believing him.
After we got back home, I didn't even look at Dom. I could see him looking at me from the corner of my eye but I wasn't gonna be the first to speak. That would be like surrendering. And I never, ever, surrender. I went into the room we shared and started stripping off my clothes. It had been a long ass day and I felt like pampering myself for once.
It feels weird that I'm starting to be more healthy. But now I'm holding someone else. Things are different now. Yeah, I saw the look on their faces when I grabbed a glass of orange juice instead of tequila. I don't care. They'll find out soon enough.
I turned on the CD player and played "Walk Away" by Christina Aguilera and put it on repeat. I went into our bathroom and I let the water run as I looked into the full length mirror and put my hair up into a bun. I looked at my body to try to imagine myself in a couple of months. It was too weird.
Just then Dom walked in. I tried to act normal as he stood behind me and held me. He kissed my neck and traced my shoulders and I turned to meet his gaze and he looked so sad and sorry. Christina Aguilera's words were so true at this moment.
"What do you do, when you know something's bad for you, but you still...can't let go."
His once confident brown eyes were now so unconfident. He looked at me deeply and whispered, "I'm sorry." I kissed him. A deep, slow, meaningful, apologetic kiss that soon turned passionate and fervent. We ended up in the bath that smelled of cucumber melon, my favorite scent. He led. Slow and gentle for hours until I was exhausted. Then he carried me onto our bed and laid beside me. My last memory of him was him kissing my forehead and falling asleep against me.
* * *
I woke up out of instinct because I couldn't feel Dom's body near. I looked around with a blurred vision and squinted at the red digits of the alarm clock. 3:30 in the morning. Where the fuck was Dom??? The CD player was still on repeat and Christina's intuitive voice lingered as realization hit home.
"I was naive/your love was like candy/artificially sweet/ I was deceived by the wrapping/got caught in your web/and I learned how to bleed/ I was prey in your bed/and devoured completely...."
I put my head in my hands and bowed down and wept softly. I thought he was sorry. I was sure he wouldn't do it to me again. What was last night about then? Huh? What the FUCK was last night all about if he was just going to do it to me again??? I sobbed loudly as my heart broke for the last time. I stared at a switch blade knife that was on the bedside table. I grabbed it and felt on the slick cool feel of it. I rubbed it against the skin on my wrist.
Uh Oh. Severe depression time. Letty, what the fuck is wrong with you??? Have you completely lost it? What the hell is Dom doing to me? He's destroying me inside. At first I thought this was just a phase we were going through, but now it became clear to me that it was more than that. It was time to drop the big bombs.
The haunting Christina CD kept playing on regular play mode and it was now playing "Fighter".
"After all you put me through, you think I despise you, but in the end I wanna thank you, cause you made me that much stronger..."
That damn blonde really knows what she's talking about.
Clock hit 4:15 when I saw Dom walk in. I wanted to fuckin' punch him as soon as I saw him. Drunk as hell.
"Don't you ever do something so fuckin' stupid again! You hear me?
"Let. Please. I remembered the car didn't have no gas so I went to fill it up and these guys..."
"Just shut up, Dom. Just shut the fuck up. I just hate this shit, Dom. I can't take it right now. I have been scared shitless, you know that? I was just so sure any second I was gonna get a call saying you're…you're…Like Jesse. And I love you, Dominic. I'm sorry it doesn't always seem that way, but I do."
I was so fucking exhausted, I just didn't wanna fight. I just stood there slouching with tears in my eyes and he came to me. He lifted me so my legs were around his waist and I wrapped my arms around him as he carried me upstairs. Maybe it wasn't what I thought. He didn't smell like a woman and doesn't have hickies or raw lips. He's drunk as hell though.
He laid me on the bed and gave me an awesome back massage. Hmm. Maybe things ARE getting better. Maybe he really is sorry. I decided not to get my hopes up. He turned me over and started to make love to me slow and then he stopped and stared at me and I could tell he was thinking. I guess the stress really was eating at him because he went hard and fast and when he came he whispered that he loved me but I just looked at him, not believing him.