Repeat after me: Inuyasha= Not Mine. Sesshomaru= Not Mine. Inuyasha Sesshomaru= Rumiko Takahashi's creations. Good. We all clear now?
Forgetfulness Sleeps
Part III- Sorrow Cannot Be Shared
.
We kill that which we love. The restwas never alive.
No one is as close to us. No other is so hurt
by forgetfulness, an absence, a mere nothing.
We kill that which we love. An end to the asphyxia
of breathing with another's lungs!
The air isn't sufficient
for the two of us, nor the earth
for our bodies entwined.
The dose of hope is small
and sorrow cannot be shared.
Man is made of solitudes,
a deer in flight, bleeding,
its loins pierced by an arrow. Ah, but hatred
its insomniac fixity of glass:
repose and menace combined. The deer inclines its head to drink,
discovers a tiger's image in the water.
The deer drinks the water and its image. It becomes
(before it is devoured-astonished accomplice-)
equal to its enemy. We give life only to what we hate.
-Rosario Castellanos-
The leaves rustled dancing to a rhythm set by the wind, turning and twisting and turning again, occasionally glimmering if a moonbeam happened to fall on their smooth surface. When a particularly forceful breeze flowed their dance became chaotic and they sparkled in an attempt to imitate the astral bodies above.
It was the chill of that breeze that woke her, which in some level between her conscious and unconscious psyche struck her as strange; her sleeping bag was built to shield her from such things, not to mention Shippo's heater-like body warmth. Perhaps Shippo's trashing about had pulled her covers down.
Hm... Her sleeping bag wasn't as soft as it was supposed to be either. Had she not checked the floor for rocks before laying it down? Must have been too tired. She shivered lightly and, very much still sleepy, lifted her hand to search for the covers. Her hand found no fluffy blanket (how she loved that fluffy blanket), but instead her hand met her own naked skin.
Several oddities suddenly made themselves known to Kagome's mind in rapid succession:
One- There was a total lack of her clothes, sleeping bag and Shippo.
Two- She was supposed to be in a hut, breezeless.
Three- She was somewhere in the forest.
Four- Her body hurt in certain parts where it REALLY shouldn't have been hurting.
Kagome immediately sat up and tried to figure out what the hell was going on. She blinked rapidly banishing the last traces of sleep out of her while she looked around, taking in the small clearing where she was laying.
It was night or perhaps early morning, she couldn't tell for sure. Trees all around her, darkened by the night, shadowed creatures unmoving save for a sudden wind. Closer to her, where the moonbeams did reach, were rocks, roots, grass; nothing out of the ordinary, except for the fact she wasn't supposed to be there.
The eyes that had been slowly surveying the area came to a sudden halt when they fell upon her discarded school uniform. Her battered and abused uniform. The sight of the torn and dirtied clothing served to trigger her memory and the gaps in her mind were suddenly replaced with visions of something she didn't want to remember.
Another breeze flowed trough, following it's predecessor. It lifted fallen leaves giving them means to fly for an instant, and they flew trough the night in random arcs and circles. Flying this and that way in a mesmerizing dance dictated by the wind. Beauty can be found in the simplest of places, if only one were to notice.
Kagome didn't notice, she was far too gone in her memories. She was oblivious to the leaves flowing with the wind, oblivious to that current of air which caressed her bare body softly, almost lovingly; oblivious to all but those wretched memories that were driving her insane, pounding into her mind one after another until she couldn't stand it anymore. Her breathing halted, and when it continued it came in short little gasps that became rapid, then labored and increased until she was suddenly choking on the air.
The wind continued to flow around her body through every hidden region, every gap between the soft skin, teasing her with it's soft touch as though it knew that it carried the air she so needed to survive, but couldn't seem to breathe in.
Gods! Why couldn't she breathe? She was desperately trying to inhale oxygen but her lungs wouldn't cooperate! Or maybe it was that pressure in her chest that wouldn't let her lungs draw air. She needed to breathe at once! Her vision swam, her lungs were about to burst, her brain demanded oxygen and her damned respiratory system would not kick in!
Finally, with great suffering, she was able to take in one shaky breath and that lungful of air managed to unlock her body. Suddenly she was leaning to the side, her hands against the cold earth supporting her, while her body convulsed and her stomach violently expulsed all of it's previous contents to the floor. Kagome sat there heaving and gagging long after her stomach had run out of contents to discard.
Sometime after the vomiting her heaving became a small tremble that increased in magnitude until she was shaking unrestrained and her strangled whimpers became painful sobs. Her hands curled digging into the ground. The soil was soft and it crumbled easily beneath her fingers, allowing her to feel the even cooler earth below.
It wasn't possible. It couldn't be. It hadn't happened. But her body betrayed her and she knew that it had. Each memory struck Kagome like a silent whip, and each sob painfully tore through her being, ripping her insides to shreds. She was crying hysterically by now and she turned away from the mess she had made as she curled into a fetal position and began to rock back and forth, in some inane attempt to feel protected.
The trees rustled as their branches swayed, softly bending to the wind's will. Moonlight spilled between the leaves creating a mix of light and shadows on the ground; figures moving in a surrealistic dance.
'Howcouldhehowcouldhehehadnorightshedidn'tdeservethishowcouldhewhywouldheWHY ?'
He had no right. No right to force her to lay with him, willingly even, which was all the more painful. To know that she had taken an active role in her degradation, that she had writhed and panted underneath him, as though she were nothing but a prostitute.
But then, what was she now if not a prostitute? Her sobs came to her with renewed vigor at the thought of what she now was, what he had turned her into: a prostitute.
The trees continued to rustle, the sound calming and almost melodious. Trees were inanimate beings, they did not reason; much less judged. Yet Kagome felt their presence to be overpowering, as though they stood tall and scornful looking down at her, the fallen miko, chasticizing her weakness.
She was nothing but a whore, a slut, a willing little sex doll. Her eyes shut tightly and her fingernails dug painfully into her skin, breaking it as her hands curled. For all her modesty and beliefs she had turned out to be no better than the lowest of all prostitutes, those women she had pitied and condemned. Worse actually, while they gained money she gained nothing from the tryst. What did that make of her?
Her virginity gone, just like that. Torn in a moment of carnal desire, nothing like she had ever pictured it would be. No romantic moment that would be recalled with a smile or a blush, but rather with pain and disgust.
Kagome hadn't been one of those die-hard "Will-arrive-virgin-to-the-altar" conventionalists, but she had held her virginity in good esteem. It was supposed to be something to share with that special loved one, something to treasure and give as a declaration of love and trust.
Not anymore.
How could he?!
He had taken something sacred from her, something reserved for someone else, Inuyasha perhaps? But it was gone and Inuyasha would no longer want her, never. Every time he saw her he would see his brother's taint on her, and would be repulsed by her mere presence.
Inuyasha.
He didn't know, otherwise he would have been there before she even woke. He didn't know yet, and he wouldn't know, she wouldn't let him. If he found out... No, no. He couldn't know. She had to clean everything up, erase all evidence of the act.
She stood quickly, her crying abruptly forgotten in her haste. She had to clean herself up, she was a mess. The stream was too far away, it would be easier to go home and bathe; not to mention she had a wide array of scented soaps that could hide Sesshomaru's smell on her. Her clothes were torn, she needed to get new clothes and get rid of the old ones.
She quickly dressed herself with the remains of her school uniform; it didn't nearly cover her well enough but she couldn't just walk around naked. There was nothing she could do to hide their scents in the clearing, she just had to hope she could be back before Inuyasha went looking for her and found the place.
Kagome walked in the dark towards the well.
Thud. One step farther from the disgraceful act.
Thud. One step closer to her home.
Thud. One step closer to sanctuary.
The time between her footfalls decreased as her pace quickened until she was running for the life of her. She ran through the foliage and the branches occasionally stumbling but never really stopping, sprinting towards the well as though it contained her salvation, and perhaps to her it did. The trees that stood imposing became nothing but a distorted blurry of colors and she ran through them, through the forest that had been silent witness to her fall.
When the ancient well came into her sight she gave a strangled sound that laid between a laugh and a sob. Kagome jumped into the well and scrambled out of it the moment she was in her time. She opened the shrine door with a fervent ardor born from fear and jumped out, closing it behind her and leaning only momentarily on it before continuing towards her house.
Kagome crossed the length between the shrine and her house in a frenzy, only to halt sharply in front of the door. She breathed deeply trying to calm herself. Her family couldn't know either, she had to be quiet. She took the key that her family always left under the welcome mat, in case they forgot their keys, and opened the door.
She made her way up the stairs and into her room silently. She forgoed the lights for the lamp on the drawer beside her bed and opened her closet door. After taking out her towel and a clean set of clothes she closed it and walked to the bathroom, suddenly grateful it was next to her room and far enough from her family's.
Once inside she hung the towel and clothes, turned on the water and walked to the closet in the corner. She opened it and stared at the soap bars and lotions inside trying to decide which one was best. She had always been in favor of her mother's weakness for scented soaps and creams; not only did she have a nice-smelling mommy to cuddle up to, but she also had access to any soaps she wanted whenever she needed them. Like right now.
Jasmine, Roses, Lilacs, Strawberry... The list went on and on. What to choose? She finally decided on a Freesia and citrus mix; it's scent was strong enough to wake the dead.
She walked back to the shower stall. The water had warmed by then and she set it as hot as her skin could stand it. Kagome stood in the stall, letting the water fall on her, the heat turning her pale skin red.
She felt so dirty... She scrubbed her skin mercilessly, nearly breaking it, but the feeling wouldn't go away. She scrubbed harder and began to whimper from both emotional and physical pain.
The soap bar fell from her nerveless fingers and she followed soon after. She lay, curled on the cold tile floor of the shower stall, for what seem like an eternity, sobbing heartbrokenly.
She kept trying to tell herself it would all be well, that she would get through this, that it would be put behind her with no more than a hint of regret. In the end, none of those promises seemed to hold against the very real pain she was feeling. Somehow, she didn't think it would all be as easy as that. The wound seemed much too deep.
In her mind everything was replayed with startling clarity over an over again, no matter how hard she tried to make the images go away. She laid there, a crying, sorrowful, broken heap of formerly untainted miko flesh.
Time passed but Kagome took no heed of it. Only when the once scalding water turned bitingly cold did she react. After a final shudder she stood, trembling slightly. She closed the water tap and dried herself, making sure to scrub her face free of any tears.
She dressed and headed to her room and lay in her bed, staring at the ceiling. Silently, she promised herself she would not cry again, not because of this. She was done crying for it and tears would do no good.
No one could know. She had to make sure of that.
It wasn't as though anyone could help her, anyways. Sorrow cannot be shared.
Even then, though, her eyes filled with tears again. She closed her eyes tightly and covered herself with her covers, pulling them close to her body. She stared at the ceiling as thought it were the most interesting thing in the world, waiting for fatigue to take over.
Yet, sleep would not come, and she laid awake for hours to no end, lost in thoughts. It wasn't until early morning that exhaustion finally pulled her into a tired, dreamless slumber.
Her mother found her two hours later, unconscious, dried tear tracks on her face. Overwhelmed by motherly concern, she tucked her, cleaned her face, kissed her forehead and let her sleep.
Kagome didn't wake until nightfall.
Hey there. It's been a while, ne?
Sorry for taking this long, but I've been very busy, and probably will be for a while. I must admit I seriously considered giving up the fic and just focusing on school and real life, but all of the support you guys showed me through your reviews and mails made me decide against it. It's really nice to know people read and like my stories. So, for you guys, and my love of writing sugary romance stories involving Sesshomaru and Kagome, I'll keep at it for a while.
However, the updates will not be regular and frequent. It will probably take a while in between chapters. I hope you understand that I have many things to do and free time is often lacking, and that you are still interested in hearing from me. Also, I write in English a lot less than before, so there will be parts where my writing will be lacking. Please keep that in mind if you find some sort of horrid grammatical mistake.
In answer to reviews, I will most likely not mention everyone who contacts me in name, which is not to say I don't appreciate your comments, but that I don't have the time to answer everyone. I treasure every review very dearly and they keep me going, but if I do answer, it will only be to those that somehow call me the most (mind you, although it can be for a very strange reason, I've been told I'm not logical ).
Btw, sorry guys, I can't really keep track of my inbox, so I don't have mailing lists.
So for now-
Vernal equinox- Meztli is a nauhatl word (the language the Mexicas, better known as Aztecs, spoke. There is still a minority that speaks it.) It is the name of the moon god, and don't ask me why my parents chose a boy's name for me. It does sound girly enough, I guess, and it's not very common, so people never complained. Besides, there are many Xochitl and Citlali, anyway. At least I'm original.
Jessica- there might be something to you.... But, wait for it.
Victoria Midnite- well, another girl stuck with too many brothers. There should be a club.
Shampoo-chan- You rock, girl! I appreciate your help and prompting, as always. Good luck in college.
Thanks to all who reviewed and supported me. You inspired me to keep on going. Please drop a line. It does wonders for an author.
Meztli