Dark Holes of My Heart

By: Mrs. RT.

Rating: R

Disclaimer: Not mine, how I wish. Maybe I'll get lucky with Power ball.

Pairing: HP/DM

Warning: This will eventually be slash. If you don't like it, keep reading. I might be able to change your mind. Angst, angst, and more angst. Beware the warning.

Summary: What happens when you've given up on the world, but the world won't let you go? When surprise changes forever alter his life, Harry Potter must overcome all odds and himself to save the wizarding world.

A/N: This takes place after Harry's 6th year.

Chapter 1

Introductions and Causes

Hot.

There really is no other way to describe the summer after Harry Potter's 6th year of school. Yet even with all of the heat, Harry couldn't escape the chill that threatened to overcome his soul.

Harry Potter was found in the smallest bedroom available in the house, of course, and was currently laying on his bed reflecting on the past few years.

'I wonder if it's all been worth it.' He thought to himself, 'six years of adventures, danger, and oh yeah, good old Voldy trying to kill me off.' He laid there remembered all the things that had happened to him and his friends, Ron and Hermione.

'Sortings, stones, giant chess games, 3-headed dogs, dragons, more dragons, Voldemort, secret chambers, basilisk, petrified friends, escaped convicts, tri-wizard competitions. Oh, let's not forget thestrals, prophesies, mysteries, and Sirius.' And at the reminder of Sirius he let out a soft sigh.

'What else?' he went back to his list. 'There was the official start of the war, battles, training, more Voldemort, and more deaths. Always more deaths' it seemed like the list kept getting longer every year. 'Nothing but pain seems to follow me.' Harry thought sadly. 'Everyone is a target, especially if they're close to me.'

Harry got up slowly from the bed, a sudden wariness coming over him. 'What would happen to the people I love if I wasn't here to put them in danger?' He walked over to the window and gazed out onto Privet Drive.

In the street there were a couple of neighborhood kids chasing each other with water balloons, laughing and running around. They were enjoying the innocence of childhood. Something Harry would never know. Harry watched them for a while wishing he could have had happy memories of summer and fun, instead of the memories of being despised by his aunt and uncle.

He felt a weight around his chest that he couldn't explain, a pressure that made it hard to breathe. 'Why does the world hate me so much? Why couldn't I be normal like them? Why does everyone I love die? Why can't I just die too?' Silent tears began to fall down his face. He let them fall, knowing they weren't the first to come, and probably wouldn't be the last.

He left the happy images from the window and walked out of his room to the bathroom across the hall to wash his face. The water felt pleasantly warm and helped ease the worry from his mind. But that moment of peace would be fleeting as the reality of life came crashing back.

He was forever wondering about his place in the world. 'Why?' he asked himself for the one hundredth time since returning to Number 4 Privet Drive. 'Why does everyone I love leave me?'

The death of Sirius Black had slowly taken him to new depths of depression. Although Harry didn't realize that it was called that. The only thing he was aware of was the continuous pain in his heart, the ache that never left and the feeling of emptiness that wouldn't go away. And yet, his closest friends didn't realize that he was coming slowly to an end.

Walking around the house, Harry felt detached from everything. He continued his chores but he didn't talk much to the 'family' he lived with. Yet every night he cried himself to sleep only to be awakened by the nightmares that plagued him.

"BOY!" Harry's uncle bellowed from the living room. "GET IN HERE NOW!" Harry wiped the tears from his eyes and walked into the room from the kitchen.

"Yes, Uncle Vernon?" Harry said slightly concerned.

"Since Dudley will be away for boxing camp the next three weeks, I expect you to keep up with both his and your chores."

Harry had to bite down on his tongue to prevent himself from laughing. 'Since when did Dudley do chores?' he thought to himself. Fortunately, his uncle answered for him.

"I expect you to keep his room clean and feed that darn cat."

"Clean his room!" Harry exclaimed. "But that's his room, why do I have to clean it?" Harry really didn't like how unfair this was. Again he was getting stuck with something that wasn't his responsibility. Besides, why should he clean a room that's not being used?

"You will do what I say boy, and you won't argue." And with that Vernon left the room muttering under his breath, "Damm boy; stupid freak. He can't even do a simple chore without causing problems."

Harry lowered his head in defeat. 'Why do I even bother to argue? I should have known that it would never get any better here.' Even after members of the Order had threatened the Dursley's to take better care of him, they still were the same towards him, just a little more discreet about it, just in case someone was watching. And with that thought on his mind, he went upstairs to his room.

Sitting on the bed, Harry took out his photo album. Glancing at the pictures moving around and waving at him, he felt the tears start to gather in his eyes.

'Oh mum, dad' he whispered to the photo. 'I wish you were here. Why did it have to be this way?' He closed the album and returned it to his hiding place under the floor board. He lay down on his bed and quietly he fell asleep.

When Harry awoke from his nap it was with a barely restrained scream, as once again the nightmares sent his heart pounding and made his mouth dry. It was starting to get dark. 'At least it's cooling down a little' he thought as he made his way to the kitchen to get a glass of water and to feed the cat.

He went to the shelf and grabbed a can of cat food for "Killer" Dudley's cat. Considering how big Dudley was, Harry found it amusing that he would have picked out such a small defenseless kitten for a pet. And to give it such a ridiculous name as "Killer" well that was just enough to make him to smile. A small smile at that, but it was the first positive emotion to cross his face all summer.

Reaching down to pet the diminutive tan colored animal he commented to it, "Well, Killer, did you chase away the big scary dogs?" And then he paused.

The mention of big dogs brought back all the painful memories of Sirius and the smile that was on his face slowly melted away.

'Why Sirius? Why did you go?' Harry didn't have any answers, only questions that continued to haunt him and his dreams. He finished feeding the cat and started to prepare dinner.

When the sun finally went down and the air cooled off, Harry decided it was time to get some air. Quietly reaching for his wand he snuck downstairs listening hard for any sounds the Dursleys were making in their sleep and walked out the door.

The cool breeze felt like a gentle caress across his face as he walked down the street. Realizing he had no destination, Harry decided to walk towards the park. Maybe a gait in the night air would help cool him off.

As he went around the corner and past the alleyway, he felt a cold shiver run down his spine. He spun around quickly and asked, "Who's there?" He waited a moment for a response. Not getting an answer he looked around one more time and when he didn't see anyone appear he turned back around and continued on his way to the park.

Harry was sure he was being watched, but there wasn't anyone about. He placed one hand in his back pocket where his wand was currently being held. Feeling comforted by the feeling of the wood in his hand he walked a little more sure.

'Well that was strange.' He thought to himself. He returned to his thoughts about life. 'I wonder if anyone would miss me if I was gone.' Again the feelings of unworthiness crossed his mind.

Yet deep down he knew he could never do anything to take his own life. He had a responsibility to the Wizarding World. A job to do that everyone was counting on him completing, and they would never let him go until it was done.

'If only I was stronger, I could have defeated him the last time we meet.' Harry remembered the last meeting with Voldemort as if it were yesterday.

FLASHBACK

Harry was sitting in the Gryffindor common room working on his homework when Neville came rushing through the portrait entrance.

"Harry," he said breathlessly "I just saw Ron and Hermione down in Hogsmeade."

"Yes, I know," Harry replied. "They're finally having their first date. It's about time if you ask me."

"No, Harry, that's not it." The shy boy struggled to get out what he had to say. "Harry, I saw them. They were walking down the street when all these death eaters came out from nowhere."

Harry gasped. "What happened to them?" He was scared to hear what happened, but he knew that he must.

"They took them, Harry!" Neville was about in tears. "They took them away and there was nothing I could do. I was too far away and it happened so fast." He took a deep breath and suddenly broke down.

"I ran to them. I...wanted...sob...to help...sob" He couldn't speak anymore.

"It's okay Neville. I'll get Dumbledore and we'll get them back." He patted the boy on the back. "It's going to be okay." He repeated again, this time to convince himself more than the other boy. 'I hope it will be okay,' he thought to himself.

Harry was devastated that his best friends were being held by his worst enemy. Once again he was afraid he would lose his loved ones.

Harry immediately ran up to Dumbledore's office and shouted the password "Tootsie Rolls" to the gargoyle that was the entrance. After knocking once on the door, Harry rushed right in to find several teachers already talking to the headmaster.

"Potter, what are you doing here?" Professor Snape snarled at him.

"Professor Dumbledore," He started, "Neville just came back from Hogsmeade. He said the Ron and Hermione were taken by death eaters. We have to save them! I won't let Voldemort kill any more of my friends!" Harry was frantic with worry and was even willing to ignore Snape if only it would mean he could get to his friends and get them out of danger.

Ignoring the wincing of some of the teachers at the name of the enemy, Dumbledore looked sadly at Harry.

"Harry," he started, "we need some time to get the Order together before we can go charging off to rescue them. We need to have a plan in order to minimize any problems we may have."

Harry shook his head. "There isn't any time!" Harry shouted. "We can't wait until a bunch of old people decide to get off their butts and do something!" He was angry at the lack of response from the others and he wasn't afraid to let them know it.

"Harry!" Professor McGonagall reprimanded him. "We're all worried about Miss Granger and Mr. Weasley. But that does not mean you have the right to be disrespectful. Calm yourself or I will be forced to take points."

Harry just looked at her flabbergasted. Losing some house points was not really something he was worried about at the moment. His biggest concern was a tall, snaky guy who was holding his friends.

"Mr. Potter, you will just have to control your 'hero' instincts and let the adults handle this." Snape almost growled at him.

Harry just threw him a disgusted look and glanced around the room. Taking several deep breaths to calm himself, he tried to think of a way to get the headmaster to change his mind. When his eyes fell on the desk in front of him, Harry noticed a coin sitting on the edge of the table. Recognizing it as a portkey that was made earlier that year, Harry decided it would be a good idea to have it with him, just in case.

All he needed was to distraction. And it arrived in the form of Madam Pomfrey.

"Headmaster" a voice came from the fireplace. "Neville Longbottom just arrived in the hospital wing. He's hysterical about seeing Mr. Weasley and Miss Granger being taken away by death eaters. And he won't quite shouting about how he overheard them saying they were headed for the Shrieking Shack in order set up a trap for Mr. Potter. Should I give him a calming draught now or did you wish to speak to him first?"

"I'll be there momentarily Poppy. Thank you." He turned towards Harry and looked sternly at him over his glasses.

"Harry, you will go to your room and wait. We'll take care of everything. Don't worry." Yet as Harry turned around Dumbledore looked at him inquisitively. And with that everyone was dismissed and the aging man headed toward the hospital wing.

Harry checked to make sure he had his wand and grabbed the emergency portkey off Dumbledore's desk when no one was looking. Now that he knew where to go, he couldn't get out fast enough. But he didn't want to arise any suspicions or the teachers would keep him from going.

He took off for the Whomping Willow and with a long branch he pressed the special knot that would calm the tree. He crawled towards the gap in the roots and slid down the slope to the bottom of the low tunnel. Bending over he ran as quickly as possible towards the Shrieking Shack were his friends were being held.

Without thinking, he burst through the door and found himself surrounded by several death eaters. 'Great' he thought sarcastically to himself. 'Way to charge in without a plan.' Now he was standing in front of Voldemort and his Death Eaters wondering how he was going to get out of this one. Fingering the coin in his pocket, he inched his way closer to his friends.

"Harry, mate, about time you got here." Well at least Ron still had his sense of humor even in the worst situation. However Hermione was ever the voice of reason.

"Harry, what are you doing here? Where are the others? Be careful!" Hermione managed to say all in one breathe. Harry just ignored them for now, his attention fully on the enemy in front of him. He felt his anger rise at the creature that had destroyed his happiness over and over again.

"So, we meet again Harry Potter," the high pitched cold voice from the darkness said.

"Let them go!" Harry shouted back at him in defiance.

Ron and Hermione were standing tied together in the corner of the room. They had been captured by death eaters earlier that day while in Hogsmeade finally having their first date They had finally gotten around to telling each other how they felt to only end up as prisoners of their best friend's life long enemy.

"My, my, Mr. Potter. One would think you have no manners." Voldemort taunted.

"I have no manners for monsters like you!" Harry spat at him, holding his wand steadily in front of him.

"I will have to teach you then." The Dark Lord laughed at this and the yelled out, "CRUCIO!"

Harry jumped to the side trying to avoid the spell. As he fell to the floor he pulled out the coin from his pocket, pressing the center that would start a 5 second countdown and threw it towards Ron and Hermione. As it hit the floor, both of them placed a foot on it and they vanished from sight as the portkey tugged on them and returned them to Hogwarts.

"NO!" Voldemort screamed as he cursed the person who was guarding them. The man in the mask screamed and fell to the ground. Harry looked up at the angry man and laughed.

"What's wrong Tom?" Harry taunted, "Having problems finding good help these days? Or maybe you just really need to give up on the whole evil lord gig?" Harry braced himself the pain that was to come. And Voldemort took great pleasure in it. "CRUCIO!" he yelled, and this time Harry had nowhere to go.

As the unforgivable curse hit him, Harry felt the pain strike again and wandered 'when did this become familiar.' But the pain was short lived as the sounds of fighting entered his mind. The Order of the Phoenix had come at last to help fight the dark lord and his followers. When Voldemort saw the newcomers he gave Harry one last look and apparated out of the building.

Harry breathed a sigh of relief as the pain stopped and struggled to stand up to help the others out. Suddenly the air was filled with the sounds of multiple "pops" as all the deatheaters who weren't unconscious or already restrained suddenly left.

Harry turned around to see Professor Dumbledore approach him. "Harry," he started, "I thought you would like to know that Ron and Hermione are okay and Madame Pomfrey is attending to them as we speak."

Harry nodded his understanding, still trying to get his breath back.

"However, I am very displeased with the way you decided to go off without anyone to accompany you. That was very unwise."

"I'm sorry, sir." Harry replied as he looked at the ground. "I just wanted to save my friends. I guess I wasn't thinking."

Dumbledore said nothing just looked at Harry with that twinkle in his eye. He nodded to him and turned to leave.

"By the way," the headmaster started. "You did a good job." Harry's head shot up at the unexpected compliment and he blushed slightly.

"Thank you Sir." He said, totally surprised by this unexpected reaction. 'Why isn't he more upset?' Harry wondered. 'I'll probably be in for it when we get back. Oh well, at least everyone's safe now. It will be worth any punishment I get.'

"Let's go home." Dumbledore walked towards the door and Harry followed relieved that maybe this time things were going to be okay.

End Flashback

'But things weren't okay.' Harry thought angrily. 'No, Voldemort just went ahead and killed other people instead of me.' Every night Harry would wake up with the pain in his head. His scar feeling like it was on fire.

'At least the Occlumency is good for something.' Harry thought. He didn't get the visions anymore like he had in his fifth year so at least he didn't have to see all those people die, but he still got the occasional pain from his scar whenever Voldy was feeling extreme emotions.

Every day he received a copy of the Daily Prophet listing the day's deaths and destruction. Every death hit him like a ton of bricks. As the anger he had previously had gradually turn to sadness and frustration until one day he realized that he couldn't even gather the energy to get upset any more. Once this happened, he's thoughts turned back to the day he felt was the beginning of the end for his emotions.

'If only I had tried to kill him instead of concentrating on rescuing Ron and Hermione, all those people would still be alive.' The guilt was starting to tear him down. 'Why can't I end this?'

Harry continued to berate himself as he walked. He was so engrossed in his thoughts that he didn't hear the footsteps behind him. He didn't notice the quiet that suddenly surrounded him.

He tensed abruptly when he felt a hand drop unexpectedly on his shoulder. In a panic he quickly he spun around to see...

End Chapter 1

A/N: Sorry this chapter is so short. I'll make up for it with the next one.