Authors Note: So I'm back. Took me a while I know but I'm here and it's back; Chapter 41. I'm not sure how far I'm going to go with May Change this time around- maybe 50 would be a nice even number? Thank you for everyone that has spent the time to read it and especially those that have taken the time to review, it's always nice to hear your thoughts and comments. Enjoy it and keep reading!

Chapter 41: Can't Smile Without You

Carefully she brushed out a crease in her black dress, placing her other hand over her stomach as she did so. She smiled, tracing her fingers in circles over where her baby lies. She imagined him or her, curled up in a tiny ball, warm and protected inside of her. She shook her head, saddened by the fact that her baby would ever have to come into this world; this terrible, horrifying world.

In the background she heard the radio come on automatically. She still hadn't figured out how to work the damn thing and for the past hour and a half it had been turning itself on and off periodically.

You know I can't smile without you

I can't smile without you

I can't laugh and I can't sing

I'm findin' it hard to do anything



She smiled slightly, remembering the time her and Luka had danced to this song at the Carter annual ball. She loved this song, this version anyway- the Lena Fiagbe one. She hated the Barry Mannilow one.

You see I feel sad when you're sad

I feel glad when you're glad

If you only knew what I'm goin' through

I just can't smile without you

She missed him. More than she though that she would, more than she had ever missed anyone ever before. She wanted him to be here with her now, wrapping his arms around her and stroking her belly and telling her that her loved her; she wanted him to be here and telling her that it was all going to be okay. He wasn't here and that was her fault. Yet again she had pushed him away.

You came along just like a song

And brightened my day

Who'da believed that you were part of a dream?

Now it all seems light years away

A part of Susan always wondered what their relationship would have been like without all the complications. In her own perfect world where there wasn't an Abby or even a Carter, where there certainly wasn't a Dix. She wanted a world where the two of them were left alone.

And now you know I can't smile without you

I can't smile without you

I can't laugh and I can't sing

I'm findin' it hard to do anything



Susan wanted her and Luka to be given a shot for once, to be given a chance. She didn't want ghosts, no Danijela or Mark. She didn't want past lovers or spouses or children. She wanted clean, fresh, and simple. She knew that would never have worked. She didn't want herself to wish away all these people that meant so much but she couldn't help it, everything was just too much like hard work with her and Luka.

You see, I feel sad when you're sad

I feel glad when you're glad

If you only knew what I'm goin' through

I just can't smile without you



She missed his smile most. His smile could warm her on the worst of days. The sky could fall in and a smile from Luka could make it all better. There was something so genuine about it, so real. It didn't have false intentions and it was pretending to be something it wasn't. It was a smile. It didn't claim to be anything better or worse, just that. It was honest.

Now some people say happiness takes so very long to find

Well I'm finding it hard leavin' your love behind me



She shouldn't have left. She was angry and upset and so she ran. Susan Lewis, runs when things get tough. She expected that would most probably be engraved on her grave stone. She ran away from Mark and she spent the rest of her life regretting it. Now she was making the same mistake all over again.

And you see I can't smile without you

I can't smile without you

I can't laugh and I can't sing

I'm findin' it hard to do anything



There was a knock on her door, breaking her from her trance. Outside stood Carter, dressed smartly in a black suit. He smiled as she stood back, letting him in. Turning away from him for a moment to compose herself, and to stop the tear that was so determined to leak from her eye succeeding, she noticed the song was coming to the end. She listened as the final verse came to an end.

You see I feel glad when you're glad

I feel sad when you're sad

If you only knew what I'm goin' through

I just can't smile without you...

The radio cut out once again and she let out a partial laugh. Typical.

"Ready?" She turned to Carter again, having almost forgotten he was there altogether.

"As I'll ever be." Carter smiled, wrapping an arm around her shoulder protectively. "I got you something." Susan looked up at him, slightly bemused as he placed a small blue box in her palm. She snapped open the box, to be faced with an engagement ring. An engagement ring with a rather large diamond.

Abby paced around outside of the church. The sun beat down on her from the spotless blue sky. She shook her head, pulling her dark glassed back over her eyes. She was early but she had no where else to go.

A part of her couldn't believe that she was really here at all. For Luka. Why on earth was she putting herself on the line again for Luka? She knew how this was going to end. Her heart was going to get broken all over again. He had already snapped it into a thousand pieces and now she was going to grind them to dust.

For a moment when he called a spark of hope had ignited inside of Abby- maybe a tiny flicker of it was still there deep inside of her somewhere. The idea that Susan and Luka had had a fight, that maybe she had a chance again. In reality she knew that would never happen. The very fact that Luka had sent Abby here told her all she needed to know. He loved Susan.

She looked up at the church, slightly amused by the fact that it was so beautiful. Charlie Dixon, he certainly didn't deserve beautiful. She wondered if his family knew what he was really like, about the rape. She doubted it. She knew Susan too well. Susan would protect this jerk to his mother forever. She would pretend that it was a terrible tragedy, an awful shame that she was gutted over. She would probably even pretend that this guy was the love of her life, that she loved him until his death. She would do all that to protect his family from getting hurt. She would do all that because Susan was a nice person. Susan was a nice person and that's why she got to have Luka.