A/N: Wow... Thank you for all of the reviews. It is appreciated more than I think you guys know. The real stupidity starts in this chapter, and keeps getting worse from here on out. It starts out light, but don't be fooled by harmless appearances. Just when you think that it can't get any dumber... Well, it manages. Constantly.
Just a few notes... I will be using the term MUD quite a bit in this fic. MUD is an acronym for Multi-User Dungeon, and it's essentially a text-based role playing game. Think Everquest without any pictures. It tends to have a smaller and much more intimate community than the graphical games because of the amount of reading and writing involved.
Also, I swear on my life that there will be someone living in a tent by the end of this fic. It doesn't happen right away, but it's coming. The sad thing is that the tent isn't even close to the most pathetic part of this whole story.
Finally, I suppose that now would be a good place to say that I might, MIGHT, end up breaking my personal rule about not writing anything raunchier than kissing scenes for the sake of doing this whole drama justice. No promises, and I definitely won't promise a full-blown lemon, but I've been thinking about writing something a little juicier since I don't really have to worry about keeping the characters too terribly in character as they "grow" during this fic. You know, AU and all.
I hope you all enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing it!
Reviews will make the crack come faster. Much, much faster, actually.
Warnings: AU, drama, character bastardization, yaoi, het, language, infidelity, complete and utter stupidity. It's supposed to be funny, in a really omgwtf kind of way.
Disclaimer: I take no responsibility for any implosions of brains or bashing of heads that occur as a result of reading this fic. I don't actually do this stuff. I just record it (and snicker at it). Also, I don't own Naruto. But I'm sure you could have guessed that, since I'm about to bastardize the characters three ways from Sunday for my own (and your) amusement.
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It was six o'clock on a typical September morning in Arizona. Bright, disgustingly sunny and hotter than hell. Naruto could hear Gaara moving around in the bathroom as he got ready for work. Oh, yes, must not forget the two children jumping on Naruto and laughing hysterically while the youngest, Udon, smiled around the thumb he was sucking as he stood next to his father's head.
Try as he might, the blonde could not ignore the ruckus enough to find sleep again. Who needed an alarm clock when he had his family? Well, he could play their game, too.
Moegi and Konohamaru had a moment's warning to scramble away as the body beneath them tensed, but Naruto was faster. With the skill acquired from years of practice, he lunged at the two children, capturing them in his arms and wrapping them up in a bear hug that squeezed the breath from all three of their laughing bodies. He could not help but grin as Udon climbed into his lap, determined not to be left out of the fun.
Their morning routine began in earnest as Gaara walked out the door, leaving Naruto and the kids to leave the bedroom and wander into the kitchen in search of food.
Breakfast was, as always, a messy affair. Three kids, all under the age of seven, are simply incapable of eating neatly. Naruto didn't mind, though. He suffered their chatter and their indecision in good-humored silence, not even complaining when each child wanted to eat something different. His patience was admirable.
Breakfast passed without incident, and the kids fled one by one to sit in front of the television. Naruto took a few moments to at least try to straighten the disaster that was the kitchen before giving up. Without further ado, he hurried back to his room and booted up his computer. It was barely seven in the morning, but he could not help but feel that he was running late. He had so much to do before taking a break at 10 to start the kids on their school lessons.
Of course, 'so much to do' referred to the amount of role playing that had to have occurred without him. Most of the regulars on the MUD he was currently addicted to lived on the east coast, two hours ahead of him, which meant that it was inevitable that he would miss the first few hours of their presence every morning unless he wanted to wake up at four or five instead of his established six o'clock. His addiction hadn't quite reached that point, yet.
Let us stop for a few moments here to make a very important distinction.
It is vital to understand that Naruto and the character that he role played were really nothing at all alike. In real life, Naruto was tall, blonde- haired and blue-eyed, and bouncy as hell. He was the epitome of happy optimism to the point that he and Gaara honestly could not really understand one another most of the time. It was near impossible to bring the boy down, but when it happened... Well, he was not quick to forgive. The fact that he hadn't spoken to his parents in almost twenty years certainly proved that. He thrived off of attention, and in that, the life that he was living was slowly killing him. The only contact he really had with people was with his family and Sakura's family. Hell, he barely even saw Gaara's siblings.
The character that he role played online was based heavily on Gaara and his personality. Stick with what you know, and all that. Online, he described himself as shorter, lanky with a shock of red hair and green eyes that could only be called piercing. He was calm but short tempered, cool to the point of rudeness and extremely blunt. He could have been dubbed sullen, and that wouldn't have been too far off the mark. The only real difference between the Gaara he lived with and the Gaara he played was that the fake Gaara was much, much more talkative than his real life counterpart. Naruto simply couldn't not talk.
This particular morning was just like any other. Naruto logged on as quickly as his computer would allow him, automatically checking to see who else was online. He was relieved to see that only one other member of his role playing community was present; maybe he hadn't missed anything important after all.
That other person's name was Sasuke. He was relatively new to Naruto's little group, was still working out the last few kinks in his character's personality, but he made an interesting addition. He was very good at losing himself in his character's personality. So good, in fact, that Naruto wasn't sure whether anyone knew anything real about the boy beyond his name and gender. For someone like Naruto, who made a point of getting to know his peers on a personal level, the frustration at Sasuke's secrecy almost outweighed the benefits that his creativity brought to their games.
This is why it can be said that Naruto actually met Sasuke one typical September morning in Arizona. They were acquaintances, kind of, but never friends.
Apparently, Sasuke was not enjoying his time alone, for within a few moments he had sought Naruto out. Given that Naruto had pegged Sasuke's character as a bit of a loner, this subtle plea for company startled him. After a few moments of sitting in the room together in silence, Naruto shrugged and began to type. "Hi there. What do you need?"
The boy was generally very straightforward, and now was no exception. "Want to hunt with me?"
"No hello?" Naruto responded, laughing softly as he typed. "Since you are asking me for a favor, perhaps you could be a bit more polite."
"Do you want to hunt or don't you?"
The blonde sighed, taking a few moments to think. Finally, he answered with the most neutral thing that he could think of: "Give me three good reasons why I should."
The character that Naruto played had a short temper, much shorter than his real temper, but he wasn't quite sure that Sasuke was playing. He didn't know Sasuke's real temperament well enough to know whether the young man expected realistic reactions or in-character ones. He didn't know which of his two personalities to respond as.
The first part of his answer came almost immediately, and the blonde raised an eyebrow at the speed with which his companion was typing. "Easy. One, there would be two of us so we can kill bigger things. Two, you're a mage and I'm a warrior. Your magic will keep me alive longer and I can take hits from things that would kill you. It's a win-win situation."
Sasuke paused for several minutes, then. He was silent for long enough that Naruto began to frown at the screen, tapping it idly as he waited. Finally, the blonde poked him in the hope of getting a reaction, adding, "Well? I still need a third reason."
He was caught completely off guard when Sasuke responded with a kiss, followed by the words, "And three, because I'd like to get to know you better. You interest me. Is that a good enough reason, or do I need to think of another?"
Now, Naruto had been kissed before. He had been married once, had been living with a man that he loved for ten years. He'd been kissed and more online as well, was an old hand of every kind of "creative writing" as it were. Emoting on the internet never bothered him; in fact, it often struck him as an interesting way to have a bit of fun. Words could do a lot more than some people gave them credit for.
Never before, though, had any sort of kiss ever caught him quite so much by surprise as this one had. In fact, he had been rendered speechless, an impossibility in and of itself. He didn't have a clue what to say or do. In the past, he had always known the person doing the kissing, had always been comfortable enough that his reaction was pretty much going to be a positive one. Whether he was kissing in character or in real life, he always knew who he was locking lips with. He actually wasn't much into casual sex, and neither were the personas he played.
He didn't know Sasuke, though. That was the whole problem.
It took him a few seconds, but he managed to collect himself enough to type a quick question. "Why?"
Hey, he had never prided himself on his intellect. Besides, the abrupt sound of shrieking children had set his mommy senses tingling. Dealing with Sasuke took a very, very far second place to caring for his children.
With that thought, and a small smile, Naruto rose from the chair with his question unanswered and without so much as a BRB.
Just a few notes... I will be using the term MUD quite a bit in this fic. MUD is an acronym for Multi-User Dungeon, and it's essentially a text-based role playing game. Think Everquest without any pictures. It tends to have a smaller and much more intimate community than the graphical games because of the amount of reading and writing involved.
Also, I swear on my life that there will be someone living in a tent by the end of this fic. It doesn't happen right away, but it's coming. The sad thing is that the tent isn't even close to the most pathetic part of this whole story.
Finally, I suppose that now would be a good place to say that I might, MIGHT, end up breaking my personal rule about not writing anything raunchier than kissing scenes for the sake of doing this whole drama justice. No promises, and I definitely won't promise a full-blown lemon, but I've been thinking about writing something a little juicier since I don't really have to worry about keeping the characters too terribly in character as they "grow" during this fic. You know, AU and all.
I hope you all enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing it!
Reviews will make the crack come faster. Much, much faster, actually.
Warnings: AU, drama, character bastardization, yaoi, het, language, infidelity, complete and utter stupidity. It's supposed to be funny, in a really omgwtf kind of way.
Disclaimer: I take no responsibility for any implosions of brains or bashing of heads that occur as a result of reading this fic. I don't actually do this stuff. I just record it (and snicker at it). Also, I don't own Naruto. But I'm sure you could have guessed that, since I'm about to bastardize the characters three ways from Sunday for my own (and your) amusement.
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It was six o'clock on a typical September morning in Arizona. Bright, disgustingly sunny and hotter than hell. Naruto could hear Gaara moving around in the bathroom as he got ready for work. Oh, yes, must not forget the two children jumping on Naruto and laughing hysterically while the youngest, Udon, smiled around the thumb he was sucking as he stood next to his father's head.
Try as he might, the blonde could not ignore the ruckus enough to find sleep again. Who needed an alarm clock when he had his family? Well, he could play their game, too.
Moegi and Konohamaru had a moment's warning to scramble away as the body beneath them tensed, but Naruto was faster. With the skill acquired from years of practice, he lunged at the two children, capturing them in his arms and wrapping them up in a bear hug that squeezed the breath from all three of their laughing bodies. He could not help but grin as Udon climbed into his lap, determined not to be left out of the fun.
Their morning routine began in earnest as Gaara walked out the door, leaving Naruto and the kids to leave the bedroom and wander into the kitchen in search of food.
Breakfast was, as always, a messy affair. Three kids, all under the age of seven, are simply incapable of eating neatly. Naruto didn't mind, though. He suffered their chatter and their indecision in good-humored silence, not even complaining when each child wanted to eat something different. His patience was admirable.
Breakfast passed without incident, and the kids fled one by one to sit in front of the television. Naruto took a few moments to at least try to straighten the disaster that was the kitchen before giving up. Without further ado, he hurried back to his room and booted up his computer. It was barely seven in the morning, but he could not help but feel that he was running late. He had so much to do before taking a break at 10 to start the kids on their school lessons.
Of course, 'so much to do' referred to the amount of role playing that had to have occurred without him. Most of the regulars on the MUD he was currently addicted to lived on the east coast, two hours ahead of him, which meant that it was inevitable that he would miss the first few hours of their presence every morning unless he wanted to wake up at four or five instead of his established six o'clock. His addiction hadn't quite reached that point, yet.
Let us stop for a few moments here to make a very important distinction.
It is vital to understand that Naruto and the character that he role played were really nothing at all alike. In real life, Naruto was tall, blonde- haired and blue-eyed, and bouncy as hell. He was the epitome of happy optimism to the point that he and Gaara honestly could not really understand one another most of the time. It was near impossible to bring the boy down, but when it happened... Well, he was not quick to forgive. The fact that he hadn't spoken to his parents in almost twenty years certainly proved that. He thrived off of attention, and in that, the life that he was living was slowly killing him. The only contact he really had with people was with his family and Sakura's family. Hell, he barely even saw Gaara's siblings.
The character that he role played online was based heavily on Gaara and his personality. Stick with what you know, and all that. Online, he described himself as shorter, lanky with a shock of red hair and green eyes that could only be called piercing. He was calm but short tempered, cool to the point of rudeness and extremely blunt. He could have been dubbed sullen, and that wouldn't have been too far off the mark. The only real difference between the Gaara he lived with and the Gaara he played was that the fake Gaara was much, much more talkative than his real life counterpart. Naruto simply couldn't not talk.
This particular morning was just like any other. Naruto logged on as quickly as his computer would allow him, automatically checking to see who else was online. He was relieved to see that only one other member of his role playing community was present; maybe he hadn't missed anything important after all.
That other person's name was Sasuke. He was relatively new to Naruto's little group, was still working out the last few kinks in his character's personality, but he made an interesting addition. He was very good at losing himself in his character's personality. So good, in fact, that Naruto wasn't sure whether anyone knew anything real about the boy beyond his name and gender. For someone like Naruto, who made a point of getting to know his peers on a personal level, the frustration at Sasuke's secrecy almost outweighed the benefits that his creativity brought to their games.
This is why it can be said that Naruto actually met Sasuke one typical September morning in Arizona. They were acquaintances, kind of, but never friends.
Apparently, Sasuke was not enjoying his time alone, for within a few moments he had sought Naruto out. Given that Naruto had pegged Sasuke's character as a bit of a loner, this subtle plea for company startled him. After a few moments of sitting in the room together in silence, Naruto shrugged and began to type. "Hi there. What do you need?"
The boy was generally very straightforward, and now was no exception. "Want to hunt with me?"
"No hello?" Naruto responded, laughing softly as he typed. "Since you are asking me for a favor, perhaps you could be a bit more polite."
"Do you want to hunt or don't you?"
The blonde sighed, taking a few moments to think. Finally, he answered with the most neutral thing that he could think of: "Give me three good reasons why I should."
The character that Naruto played had a short temper, much shorter than his real temper, but he wasn't quite sure that Sasuke was playing. He didn't know Sasuke's real temperament well enough to know whether the young man expected realistic reactions or in-character ones. He didn't know which of his two personalities to respond as.
The first part of his answer came almost immediately, and the blonde raised an eyebrow at the speed with which his companion was typing. "Easy. One, there would be two of us so we can kill bigger things. Two, you're a mage and I'm a warrior. Your magic will keep me alive longer and I can take hits from things that would kill you. It's a win-win situation."
Sasuke paused for several minutes, then. He was silent for long enough that Naruto began to frown at the screen, tapping it idly as he waited. Finally, the blonde poked him in the hope of getting a reaction, adding, "Well? I still need a third reason."
He was caught completely off guard when Sasuke responded with a kiss, followed by the words, "And three, because I'd like to get to know you better. You interest me. Is that a good enough reason, or do I need to think of another?"
Now, Naruto had been kissed before. He had been married once, had been living with a man that he loved for ten years. He'd been kissed and more online as well, was an old hand of every kind of "creative writing" as it were. Emoting on the internet never bothered him; in fact, it often struck him as an interesting way to have a bit of fun. Words could do a lot more than some people gave them credit for.
Never before, though, had any sort of kiss ever caught him quite so much by surprise as this one had. In fact, he had been rendered speechless, an impossibility in and of itself. He didn't have a clue what to say or do. In the past, he had always known the person doing the kissing, had always been comfortable enough that his reaction was pretty much going to be a positive one. Whether he was kissing in character or in real life, he always knew who he was locking lips with. He actually wasn't much into casual sex, and neither were the personas he played.
He didn't know Sasuke, though. That was the whole problem.
It took him a few seconds, but he managed to collect himself enough to type a quick question. "Why?"
Hey, he had never prided himself on his intellect. Besides, the abrupt sound of shrieking children had set his mommy senses tingling. Dealing with Sasuke took a very, very far second place to caring for his children.
With that thought, and a small smile, Naruto rose from the chair with his question unanswered and without so much as a BRB.