NOTE: Okay okay I know I said that I would stop writing LotR fanfic after Yours Forever, but I was just watching TTT extended and this idea hit me like a car hits a person when the person steps out onto the main road when traffic is going full force. (That is, very hard.) Yeah. It was a very crappy and stupid idea, very Mary-Sue-ish, but I figured that if I could just use the correct characters and type of language and stuff, I could at least make it funny, and redeem it a little bit. But, just in case, I would like to state:
THIS IS NOT SUITABLE FOR TOLKIEN PURISTS. IF YOU ARE AN INCREDIBLY STRICT TOLKIEN PURIST, PLEASE BACK AWAY REAL SLOW LIKE. This story will just have your blood pressure skyrocketing up to the moon.

DISCLAIMER: Disclaimers get quite boring to write so I will just write one and it will apply to the whole fic, okay? So here goes…
THINGS THAT DO NOT BELONG TO ME: Lord of the Rings, and any characters, places or events mentioned therein.
THINGS THAT DO BELONG TO ME: Any character in this story that isn't from LotR, my computer that I am typing this on and the sweet that I am currently about to put in my mouth.

*&* A LITTLE EXPLANATION (a.k.a. the sorry excuse of a prologue) *&*

So, Gollum gets the Ring and falls into Mount Doom in his joyful capering. Yay for Frodo and his buddies. Everyone goes home and celebrates, and readers of the Lord of the Rings trilogy cheer. Everyone goes off and is happy. But what about poor little Gollum? What everyone didn't realise was, he dropped the Ring accidentally when he was falling into Mount Doom, so the Ring was destroyed first, and Gollum falls… and falls… and falls a little bit more… and a little bit more… (he's a little bored by now) and then SPLAT!

And this is where the story begins.

*&*

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

The scream echoed throughout the house, so sharp and piercing that the dog next door never fully recovered its hearing abilities. Kathy stared, wide-eyed (as you are wont to do when you stare), at the mangy grey creature on the ground in front of her. What the heck was something like that doing in her room?

"What are you? Who are you? What are you doing here?" she finally gasped.

The creature looked up at her, took one look and began moaning. "Where are we? We are lost, precious, yes lost! And there is a monster, a monster and it will hurt us, yes precious it will!"

"What do you mean, a monster? You're the monster! You…" Kathy was just beginning to get all worked up and insulted when she realised that she had put one of those mud masks. Ah. Yes. She quickly began to try peeling it off, and the creature began to stare at her, totally mortified that the stranger was peeling her face off.

"What is it doing? Will it hurt us?"

"I am not going to hurt you. Not yet, anyway. I want to know who you are, and where you come from. And I want you to go back there right now!" Kathy ordered when she had finally peeled off the remnants of the mask.

Apparently that wasn't the best thing to say because the creature just started up its shrieking again. "They asks us to go back! No, no we cannot go back, precious! There are thousands, thousands of Orcses yes there are precious! They will catch us and hurt us!" It began to snarl. "Cruel hobbitses tricksed us! Filthy, lying thieves! No! No! Master saves us!"

Kathy's jaw dropped, and she sank onto her bed. "This is impossible," she whispered. It couldn't be… "Gollum?" The creature looked up at her angrily. No, no, Gollum wasn't good. It would be much safer to talk with the cuter, innocent-er version. "Sméagol?"

"How does it know our name?" Sméagol stopped the racket for a moment, in a state of shock.

Good. At least now it (no, he) was quiet. And now was the hard part: reasoning with the schizo. Kathy decided to go slowly, very slowly. "Sméagol, my name is Kathy, and I'm not going to hurt you. You are not in Middle Earth anymore. You're just in Earth, now. Plain Earth. Not in the middle at all."

"Not in Middle Earth?" Sméagol was completely stupefied* now.

"Yes, you aren't in Middle Earth anymore. Can you remember what last happened before you found yourself here?" Kathy was still going veeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrry slowly. Any sudden yelling or movement might set Sméagol off on a schizophrenic frenzy again.

Evidently that theory wasn't 100% accurate, because Sméagol went off on a schizophrenic frenzy anyway. "Cruel, cruel hobbitses! They do not care that we die! They leave us falling, falling into the Mountain! And they tricksed us! Tricksed us!" He began to alternate between snarling death messages and curses to the hobbits and sobbing pathetically to himself.

"Ah. So the Ring has been destroyed…" Kathy said softly.

Sméagol heard that, and crawled up to her. "The precious is lost… but we can finds it. Yes we will finds it."

"NO!" Kathy said sharply, standing up. "No, you are not going to leave this house. Firstly, they catch you and put you in a pound. And secondly, they'd arrest me for having exotic pets."

Sméagol wailed. "But we must finds it! Finds the precious, we must, we must!" And off went the fireworks, the waterworks, and all sorts of other chaotic type of "works".

Kathy thought for a moment. She had to shut this guy up, and keep him in the house. And she supposed that gave even cause to tell a little lie. "I'll find the Ring for you," she said loudly, to make sure he heard her over the racket. He did, and shut up. Good. "But you have to stay here. And now leave this house." She moved closer to him, putting on her fiercest face. "If you leave this house, I will find you, and slit your throat," she threatened. Obviously she wouldn't be able to do it, but oh well, Sméagol didn't know that. At least, she hoped he didn't. "So you'd best stay here."

Sméagol nodded, totally stunned out of his wits. Kathy nodded in satisfaction, and went to change before leaving the house.

*&*

NOTE: Well, here we are at the end of the first chapter! What do you think?

* stupefied: Ain't it a lovely word? I love it. It sounds so stupid and silly. Like me.