Title: Make-Believe Lovers
Author: FireDemon
E-mail: Ken_Dai_Love@hotmail.com
Rating: PG13
Category: AU. Band Fic.
Warnings: Shounen ai, Yaoi. Heavy shoujo-ai, bordering on Yuri.
Summary: AU. Ken and Daisuke are best friends with a gimmick that gets out of control, when they shoot to stardom. Sometimes fame and money doesn't bring happiness. **Shounen ai-ish**.
Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon, it belongs to a lot of people, Toei, Fox Kids and. I forget the rest, let's just say my name isn't on the list. The idea and the badly written song, however, are all mine.
Authors Notes: Watch out for the change in POV this chapter, this one shows more of Daisuke and Ken's developing relationship - from an outsiders POV. Can't think of anything to say. *Luffs Hikari-chan*
Thank you VERY much to, for reviewing. I adore and worship you guys - It means the world to me that you read and review this!
Chapter Three: Have We Crossed The Line?
~April, 2001: Hikari's POV~
My fingers toy with my leather braided friendship bracelet as I watch my friends through lidded eyes. It's late, and we're writing a song as a group, in the hopes that Oikawa will let us publish some of our own music.
Miyako's resting between Daisuke's legs, her head on his chest as she talks. Ken's perched next to them; his head on Daisuke's shoulder as he laces his fingers with Daisuke's thoughtlessly.
He and Daisuke have got to the point where these thoughtless gestures of affection are routine. There was always a possibility of something more in their relationship, but without Oikawa Daisuke wouldn't return the little gestures of affection. He wouldn't kiss back like he does.
He wouldn't stupidly destroy the relationship between his girlfriend and his best friend. He wouldn't destroy his own perception of reality.
I suppose I've always been the outsider of our group - the quiet one. I've never been the type of girl that people pay a lot of attention to. Daisuke had a crush on me when we were perhaps 11 or 12, but he outgrew it. He was the closest thing I ever had to a boyfriend.
I love him, Miya and Ken more than anyone, with the possible exception of my brother and my parents. I don't want them to lose what they have together... what we all have together, but I know that this... thing... is going to strain our friendship. I didn't agree with this in the first place. It's okay for me and Miyako, we don't have to play a part 24/7, but it's messing with the boys.
I'm scared that Ken has fooled himself into thinking he's in love with Daisuke. And I know that it never would have happened if Daisuke hadn't kissed him back. I'm afraid that Daisuke's going to fool himself too, and no matter how much he loves Ken, he's not, and never will be 'in-love' with Ken.
I have always believed love is a beautiful thing, it knows no boundaries, it's the best thing that can happen to anyone, and the worst. However, fooling yourself, making yourself believe you're in love with someone you're not attracted to - that's wrong. Regardless of whether you're gay pretending to be attracted to girls or straight pretending to be attracted to guys.
It's stupid, heartbreaking, and it's the one line we should have known better than to cross.
"Okay, so what do we want to call it?" Miyako asks, her gold-brown eyes playful.
"Little Boy. Little Girl." My eyes meet Miyako's, and she smiles.
"Alright."
I've always been able to get Miyako agree to almost anything without an argument, we've been best friends since forever, and if I'm completely honest with myself, she's the main reason I don't have a girlfriend.
Not because I'm in love with her, but because every prospective girlfriend is compared to her, and I have yet to find a girl who can measure up. She could never date me - she'd hate it. Almost as much as she'd detest dating Ken.
Saccharine relationships have never been her thing, I suppose that's my angle to handle.
Miyako was the first person I ever "came out" to. I told her I was bi, and that I by far preferred girls, and she, well, she bit her lip and asked me if I was in-love with her.
I told her no and she smiled and hugged me. She's never been homophobic, but I sometimes wonder, if I had have said yes, what she would have done.
I don't think she would have been able to break my heart. My eyes return to Ken and Daisuke, but I think Daisuke could break Kens, without even realising it.
Miyako clears her throat, and sings the lines, her soft throaty voice filling the room.
"Little boy sitting on a playground swing, Wondering why he's all alone tonight. Little girl crying underneath the slide, Wondering why Mummy and Daddy have to fight.
And you're a big boy now, And boys don't cry. And you're a little lady now, And you mustn't be shy.
Well he's 10 years old, and on the playground swing, He's trying to hide from everyone who caused him pain. She watches him from faraway, eyes of crimson brown, Hair in dripping pigtails as she sits there in the rain.
And you're a big boy now, And boys don't cry. And you're a little lady now, And you mustn't be shy.
And she's 12 years old, and as pretty as can be, But she's starting to doubt who she really is. He watches her, and without a thought, Offers his friendship, along with a promise.
And you're a big boy now, And boys don't cry. And you're a little lady now, And you mustn't be shy.
And they're all grown up, Feeling hollow and lost, Yet they cling to each other, Because love has a high cost.
And you're a big boy now, And boys don't cry. And you're a little lady now, And you mustn't be shy.
No you mustn't cry honey, And you don't dare be shy."
There are a few minutes of silence as the group mulls over the song, and then I smile my customary half-smile, "I like it. It tells our story, without actually giving anything away."
"Yeah, you and Miya did a great job of writing the tune," Daisuke compliments me.
"Mm, I think it needs a slightly stronger bass-line, but I really like it." Ken smiles at Miyako, and she smiles back.
Ken and Miya have always been good friends, because, well, no offence to Dai-Dai, but he isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, and they both thrive on highly intelligent conversation. I don't consider myself stupid, but those two can make me feel that way, when they start talking about these obscure computer programs that they're into.
"Alright, we fix the bass-line then we give Oikawa a demo tape. All in agreement?" Miyako's brash voice cuts through my thoughts like a hot knife through butter, and I nod.
"Sounds like a plan."
Daisuke laughs, "Aye-aye capt'n."
"Let's do it," Ken says softly, eyes gleaming.
~~*~~
"Oikawa, we ah... we've written a new song. We wanted you to listen to it, and, y'know..." Daisuke is nervous, but he's beaming at the same time. We're arrayed behind him, trying to be supportive, yet unobtrusive.
I don't think it's working.
Oikawa smiles at us, and accepts the tape. I always got the feeling, when we gave him our first demo tape to listen to while we were waiting for our interview, that he couldn't have cared less whether we could sing or not. His oily, irritated expression now does nothing to soothe my suspicions.
He slides the tape into the tape player he keeps in his office, probably for this sole purpose, and listens with the fakest look of interest I have ever seen, plastered all over his sleazy handsome face.
I never liked Oikawa, and I have never trusted him. I guess he... rubs me the wrong way or something. In hindsight we should never have accepted his offer - we aren't the kind of band to look pretty and sing other peoples songs, and even if my band mates can't see it, that's what he wants us to be.
"Wonderful, it's... heartwrenching kids, I could really feel the emotion you must have put into it."
Daisuke's face lights up, his eyes glowing, and his very posture radiates how flattered he is - Daisuke couldn't hide an emotion if you paid him. Miyako is more subtle, but she blushes lightly, pleased with the praise, and even Ken's mouth quirks into what passes for a smile from him.
"I really wish we could do something with it, but it wouldn't be appreciated. You have to cater to your audience - maybe when you guys are famous you can have more of a say when it comes to song writing."
My three best friends stare at our manager in incomprehension, Daisuke quite obviously confused and the others angry at the restrictions he's placing on them.
"We're not allowed to write our own songs?" Miyako's voice is cold, dripping with cynicism.
Oikawa turns to her with his smarmy smile, and if I didn't know better, I would suspect he was purposefully baiting her, "It's... unnecessary. You're just there to look pretty, and make people sit up and pay attention."
I step forward, sliding my arms around Miyako's waist, to stop her from yelling back, and Ken, coldly polite, speaks for our little group, "We understand, Oikawa. Thank you for your time."
He smiles back, and I hate him all the more, "Not a problem kids. I'll see you all tonight at 5."
We nod and file out, Daisuke and Ken holding hands as they always do when we visit Oikawa, and Miyako still trapped within the curve of my arm. He makes this act so damned sordid - never before have I been ashamed of the fact that I'm attracted to other girls. I wonder if Ken ever feels dirty; like the way I'm feeling right now?
~~*~~
There are two uncomfortable looking sofas, angled so that the host of whichever TV talk show we're being interviewed by can speak to us and look at the cameras at the same time, and we can too.
Ken and Daisuke are directed towards one of the new-age looking couches by an attractive looking young woman, who appears to be in her mid 20's, carrying a clipboard. My eyes track her progress across the room, she's gorgeous, with cropped ginger hair, pale shoulders, bared by her off the shoulder shirt, a perfect pert little ass, and long shapely legs. Definitely my type of woman.
I vaguely hear Oikawa talking to us, and tune back in just in time to hear him berate Miyako, "You're not ready to face your public yet - and I'm not willing to let you ruin this. You don't say a word; you just sit there, look pretty, and let your bitch speak for you. She's going to be the topper in this relationship - I don't want you getting any funny ideas, or announcing that you're not a lesbian to save face. Starting from now you don't say a word."
Miyako opens her mouth to reply but Oikawa shakes his head, and she closes it, eyes blazing angrily. I'm angry too - how dare he try to control my beautiful free-spirited best friend in such a way?
Miyako's lips twist into a grimace, and she entwines our fingers and tugs me towards the couch, pulling me down into her lap in a gesture so unpractised it's uncomfortable. Miyako's never played a dominant or male role in a relationship - not that I think lesbian relationships should have a "male" and "female" partner. And pulling someone down so that they're sitting comfortably in your lap isn't easy to achieve without practise, particularly not if you're used to being the one sitting in the lap.
I shift, trying to get comfortable without making it look like I'm trying to get comfortable, and finally manage to settle into the crook of Miyako's lap, my arms twining around her neck in an imitation of a loving embrace.
Our valiant interviewer smiles charmingly at us, his eyes lingering on Miyako and I just slightly too long, and slightly too interestedly, before he turn back to the camera. The little light switches on and the man, Mike, launches into the traditional welcoming/explaining speech for the viewers, before he introduces us, as the controversial homosexual band, Forbidden. And then the questions begin, and to Oikawa's dismay, I'm sure, they're questions that actually require forethought, and intuition to answer.
"Do you think it's right that you four can make music videos which flaunt your deviation, when so many disagree with who and what you are?"
My first reaction is ouch, and my second is no. So I don't open my mouth to answer, and I look towards Ken, hoping he'll beat Daisuke to the punch. He does, and he even manages to force a smile.
"Do you think it's right that you can flaunt your heterosexuality on TV, in front of Daisuke and I when it obviously disagrees with us?"
The interviewer laughs charmingly, "A very good point. So, may I ask, do you always speak for the group, Ken, is it?"
Ken shifts, resting a hand of Daisuke's knee calmingly, "Not really, but as your comment was really quite cutting, I thought it was best that I answered it. It's in my nature to try and protect those I love."
"Of course. I'm going to have to ask the question that I know everyone's dying to know, since your band first came out. This, gimmick, is it for real, or are you four just straight kids trying to make it big."
Daisuke answers before I can, and I'm both relieved and alarmed, "We're for real. We love this, because of all the girls - and boys - who are gonna look up to us, and see that it's alright to be themselves. Yeah, we're different, but that's what makes us real. We bring it, y'know."
I can see Oikawa cringe, and it's easy to guess why, Daisuke lacks both tact and intuition, but he makes up for that in charisma. Mike turns to look at me and Miyako, and I guess I'm his next target.
"So, can I ask, what drew a pair of beautiful girls like you together? How did you meet? Through the band or in some other manner?" I can hear in his voice what he's implying, and I rise above it, deciding to stay as truthful as I can.
"Miyako and I were best friends for a very long time, and we were very close. When I was in about 9th grade I realised that, unlike the other girls in our class, we didn't seem to be interested in boys, and I also realised, in my case, it was because I was a lesbian. I confessed to Miyako, because I tell her everything, and she asked, in her confusion, if that meant that I found her attractive. I did, and I blushingly confessed, at which point she told me that she also was physically attracted to me. She wondered if that made her a lesbian, and I suggested we try a relationship, and she agreed. We haven't looked back since - I can't imagine ever loving anyone as much as I love Miyako."
Mike, the interviewer, looks disappointed at the lack of smut, but he's hard-pressed to find any fault in my story, and I know it will likely hold up under pressure, as it's based very firmly in fact. He turns to the boys instead, "I expect your story is much the same?"
Daisuke shakes his head, "No way. Ken and I-"
Ken looks horrified and claps a hand over Daisuke's mouth, which distracts everyone from the fact that Miyako and I are also looking at Daisuke in shock.
Ken covers his ass with a brilliant save, "He asked how we got together, love, not how much more active our sex life is. The truth is, Dai and I had a rough time getting together. Dais was actually in denial for a long time, and I kinda... pined for him while he seemed the perfect straight guy, aside from grabbing guys asses in his soccer and football games. It wasn't until I actually caught his fantasising about me - with his hands down his pants - that I realised I had a chance."
Daisuke breaks in, never one to let another keep the limelight, and continues, thankfully keeping to Ken's story, "It was actually like he knew what my fantasy was, cos he walked in, pushed me down on the bed, and climbed on top of me, rubbing himself all over me. I almost thought I was dreaming with my eyes open, and then, yeah we made out, and one thing led to another. The next day I was gay."
I try not to gape at him, as that would give him away, but his story is so ridiculous that one could almost believe it. Mike seems ready to move onto the next topic, and he directs it back at us.
"People think lesbians have an easier time than gays, would you agree ladies?"
"In some ways, perhaps, I would. It's probably easier to come out as a lesbian, because girls are less likely to be prejudiced than guys, and very few guys will actually go out of their way to beat a lesbian to a pulp. I have known some to be raped, but generally most guys accept it. Lesbians are, however, more likely to get unwanted propositions for men who are interested in threesomes."
"And what's your take boys? Did you find it hard to come out as gay?"
"Not really," Daisuke says with a broad grin, "I mean, if you're yourself, people will accept you. I was just me, only, well, I liked to have sex with people who weren't girls. Anyway, it meant more men got to gaze upon the sexiness of Motomiya and drool. Dude, it's just a matter of saying two little words: I'm gay."
Ken pinches Daisuke's thigh and cuts in, "I disagree. Some people will accept you, yeah, but there are other things that are hard about it. I mean, disappointing your parents, your friends, yourself. Unlike Daisuke, I wanted -- want kids. Being gay was like God saying, 'you're abnormal and I deny you the right to procreate'. There were people at school too, who wouldn't bother Dai because he's so confident, but who had an easy target when it came to me. It's better being out in the open, but it takes courage, and if that doesn't come naturally, then yeah, it's hard."
"Oh," Mike smiles, "I guess us straight boys never think about things like that. Personally I can't get past the idea of having someone shove something up there - I mean it's an exit hole, not an entryway."
Ken laughs easily, "Oh, it... grows on you. When you love someone and want to be close to them, things like that... cease to matter."
Mike laughs in return, and I wince, unable to shake the feeling that we're all lying. Ken's statement was general, yes, but Daisuke is so clueless, and Ken is being exploited so badly, both his knowledge and his sexuality, and Ken is acting like he doesn't notice. Is it because of Daisuke? I've noticed everyone in our little band has something of a weakness when it comes to Daisuke.
One of the cameramen yells out that it's time for the short commercial break and I stand, releasing Miyako, so that I can get the circulation back into my limbs.
"I'm just going to use the bathroom, alright?" I ask, my eyes seeking out Miyako's. She smiles and nods, giving her permission, and I leave the set heading towards the bathroom I noticed earlier.
"Hey," A warm voice greets me as I walk into the bathroom. The ginger haired assistant I'd noticed earlier smiles at me, and turns, setting her compact on the counter beside the sink.
"Hey yourself," I smile in return, my eyes slipping, to her plump kissable lips and I feel myself growing warm in response, a liquid feeling, like heat settling below my abdomen filling me.
"Hikari, right? I really admire your music. I like that you're... out there. Not a lot of lesbians would have the guts to be so open about who they are. I know I wouldn't."
That takes me by surprise, and I gaze into her chocolaty eyes adoringly, "But you're beautiful. You deserve to be worshipped on a stage."
The woman shakes her head, flushing; "I'm not. Besides, my mother would disown me. She's all I have left... if I disappointed her... what would I have left?"
"If she doesn't love you for who you are... nobody should have to pretend to be someone they're not..." I step forward to clasp her hands and she smiles sadly.
"I know, it tears you apart, when you pretend to be something that you're not. It's been so painful, being who she wants me to be..."
I can't help it, like I'm possessed I lean up and capture her lips. She kisses back, and it's like nothing I've ever felt before. This beautiful, talented amazing woman is kissing me as if she's addicted. And for the first time in my life, I don't feel the need to compare her to my best friend.
"I'm Sora," She whispers against my lips, and then she slips her fingers under my shirt.
"I know this is utterly ridiculous, but I think I could fall in love with you Sora... are you single?" I manage to ask, even though my hands are caressing her perfect luscious legs.
"Very. What about your girlfriend?"
"She doesn't love me. She's in love with someone else. She's my best friend. She'll want me to be happy." The statements are gasped out as Sora kneads my breasts, and sucks at my neck hard enough to leave a mark.
"Good. I think maybe I could love you too. You'd be there for me, I could rely on you, couldn't I?"
"You could rely on me," I whisper, "Are you busy this Saturday?"
She shakes her head, snuggling close, and I smile.
"Would you do me the honour of accompanying me on a date then. I would be prepared to meet your mother, if you need. I'll be there for you."
"I would love to." Sora returns, pressing a chaste kiss to my lips.
~~*~~
I return to the set in time to hear Mike, who's taken a seat next to my best friend in my absence, make a pass at Miyako. Her brown eyes are blazing furiously, and she looks nervous. Oikawa's shaking his head warningly, and Miyako looks trapped. I know how she feels, but before I can intervene, Daisuke does, furious that someone would make a move on his girlfriend in front of him.
"You pig, don't you lay a finger on-" Daisuke's tirade is cut off by Ken, who, like Daisuke, is now standing. He pulls the red-haired boy back into his arms and glares at Oikawa.
"Miyako was abused and she has difficulty talking to men. We would appreciate it if you left her alone. While she has had therapy, the kind of treatment you were giving her alarms her. It's quite obvious she is a lesbian, so talking about the size of your dick is more likely to make Daisuke and I ask you for a threesome, than Miyako and Hikari." Ken's voice is furious, but cold, and I am eternally grateful, despite the fact that the lie makes something inside me want to curl up and die. It's plausible, and for some reason - that makes it worse. I sit down next to Miyako and cuddle into her protectively, and to my surprise, she kisses me, on the lips, just in time for the camera to catch the move. I assume it's for Mike's benefit, but the kiss is painful. After kissing Sora, kissing Miyako seems so meaningless.
Answering the rest of Mike's questions, about where we're planning to go with out music, and who our influences doesn't seem to take any effort on my part, and even when he returns to the sexuality issue, I give vapid answers. Exploiting my sexuality suddenly seems to be a worse crime than it was in the beginning, and my mind keeps returning to Sora. I feel so cheap, lying about who I really am, when Sora, and so many other girls, are looking up to me. I can't do it.
I smile and respond politely when Mike thanks us for being on the show, and I file out with the others, but all I can think of is Oikawa's reaction when I quit. Was the contract we all signed legally binding, or can I leave without destroying the band?
~~*~~
"I can't do this - exploit myself like this I mean." I stare firmly at Oikawa, my stance confidant. He raises an eyebrow.
"You can't? You didn't seem to have a problem with it earlier."
I shrug, "I'm not going to be exploited for my sexuality, and I'm not going to pretend to be in a relationship with someone who I'm not involved with. I quit."
"You don't want to do that," Oikawa tells me, "The purple haired dyke will have a harder time on her own, and you want your cut of the money don't you?"
"I don't care about the money - and don't call Miyako that. She's not a lesbian and she doesn't deserve that type of disrespect."
"Look luv, if you stick around I'll work on giving you less of a role. If you can keep your bitch under control I'll even let her share the lesbian talk with you - less exploitation for you, alright?"
"No, it's not alright. She's not my bitch, and I don't think it's fair-"
"I see," Oikawa looks almost impressed, "This is about money? You want to make sure you two get as much as Ken and Daisuke. Well don't you worry your pretty little heads, so long as you perform-"
"You're not listening to me!" I yell over the top of his voice, my temper finally snapping, "I QUIT. I'm not doing this any more. Ever."
Oikawa looks pointedly at me, "Are you sure this is what you want to do? You signed the same contract as everyone else Hikiki, if you leave your share of the money comes straight to me."
I shake my head in disgust, just barely managing to keep from hitting the sleazy man, "I don't care about that. I never did this to get paid. It was never about the money."
"Au contraire, sweet cheeks, it was always about the money. That's all anyone cares about these days."
I let my lip curl, "Then I guess I'm the exception that proves the rule - I honestly couldn't care less. I quit."
He folds his hands over the desk, and gives me an oily smile, "Your contract of privacy still holds Hikiki - don't ruin your friends big break. And don't let the door hit you on your way out."
I school my features to reveal nothing, a talent I've always been proud of, though I never mastered it to the same extent as Ken, and then I stand and walk out. I know that I've made the right decision. I'm not going to exploit my sexuality, or lie about my relationship with my best friend. I refuse to destroy any and all chance of ever being with a woman - or man - who I am attracted to, or watch two of my closest friends' ruin one of the most intimate completely non-sexual relationships I've ever seen.
I just hope that they'll realise what they're doing to their friendship and just maybe, they'll follow my lead. Right now it's enough that I won't be a part of it.
I recklessly gather my things from our small dressing rooms, taking a cursory glance around for anything else I might need while my friends are otherwise occupied with their insalubrious pursuits. It only takes a few seconds, and while they're not intentionally ignoring me, I'm not really that noticeable, unless I really want to be noticed. I clear my throat and the three of them stop to look at me Ken and Daisuke both mid-drink, and Miyako from the other side of the room.
"You guys? I... I'm sorry, I can't watch you three destroy yourselves like this. I'm leaving." My voice holds steady as I gaze at them.
Ken meets my gaze, stands, and for a second I think he's going to try to stop me, but then he collapses giggling into Daisuke's lap. I don't think he even comprehends what I've just said. Fuck them. I honestly don't care any more.
I turn and gather my things, before briskly walking out without another word, trying to bite back the tears that sting my eyes.
Miyako's footsteps pound behind me, and she reaches out, catching my arm, her golden-brown eyes worried, "What do you mean? Hikari-chan!? Where are you going?"
"I'm leaving," I repeat. "If you had any sense you'd do the same." I gaze at my best friend, but my anger lessens as she bites her lip, casting an anxious look at Daisuke and Ken through the open doorway. They're still drunkenly congratulating themselves on a job well done, their hands and lips all over each other. I can't help but feel hurt for Miyako, but the sight doesn't seem to bother her the way it does me. I never have understood that girl.
"I can't." Her soft husky voice is raw with emotion, her fingers still caught in the fabric of my sleeve, "I can't leave Daisu, I'm sorry, I just... can't. He needs me." Her eyes plead with me silently, begging me to understand. And I do.
I nod, "I know. And when he doesn't, you know where to find me."
"Yeah," Miyako's oh-so expressive eyes hold a watery sheen, "When he doesn't, I'll know where to find you."
I walk about of the building without looking back, but I know that Miyako is silently weeping, and I know that I can't help my best friend.
Authors Notes: Hmm... not quite sure how much I like this chapter, I've been planning to play around with POV's all along, this is my first and probably last attempt at Hikari's. Finished at 1:30AM - yay for middle of the night work.
Oh well, it's a long one, over 5000 words, so hopefully that makes up for the wait, and the POV. I don't think I warned about the Hikora/Sokari. Oops. Anyway, one girl down... One to go. We all noticed there were no girls in the prologue... did we not?
Please Review. Tell me what you think?
Author: FireDemon
E-mail: Ken_Dai_Love@hotmail.com
Rating: PG13
Category: AU. Band Fic.
Warnings: Shounen ai, Yaoi. Heavy shoujo-ai, bordering on Yuri.
Summary: AU. Ken and Daisuke are best friends with a gimmick that gets out of control, when they shoot to stardom. Sometimes fame and money doesn't bring happiness. **Shounen ai-ish**.
Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon, it belongs to a lot of people, Toei, Fox Kids and. I forget the rest, let's just say my name isn't on the list. The idea and the badly written song, however, are all mine.
Authors Notes: Watch out for the change in POV this chapter, this one shows more of Daisuke and Ken's developing relationship - from an outsiders POV. Can't think of anything to say. *Luffs Hikari-chan*
Thank you VERY much to, for reviewing. I adore and worship you guys - It means the world to me that you read and review this!
Chapter Three: Have We Crossed The Line?
~April, 2001: Hikari's POV~
My fingers toy with my leather braided friendship bracelet as I watch my friends through lidded eyes. It's late, and we're writing a song as a group, in the hopes that Oikawa will let us publish some of our own music.
Miyako's resting between Daisuke's legs, her head on his chest as she talks. Ken's perched next to them; his head on Daisuke's shoulder as he laces his fingers with Daisuke's thoughtlessly.
He and Daisuke have got to the point where these thoughtless gestures of affection are routine. There was always a possibility of something more in their relationship, but without Oikawa Daisuke wouldn't return the little gestures of affection. He wouldn't kiss back like he does.
He wouldn't stupidly destroy the relationship between his girlfriend and his best friend. He wouldn't destroy his own perception of reality.
I suppose I've always been the outsider of our group - the quiet one. I've never been the type of girl that people pay a lot of attention to. Daisuke had a crush on me when we were perhaps 11 or 12, but he outgrew it. He was the closest thing I ever had to a boyfriend.
I love him, Miya and Ken more than anyone, with the possible exception of my brother and my parents. I don't want them to lose what they have together... what we all have together, but I know that this... thing... is going to strain our friendship. I didn't agree with this in the first place. It's okay for me and Miyako, we don't have to play a part 24/7, but it's messing with the boys.
I'm scared that Ken has fooled himself into thinking he's in love with Daisuke. And I know that it never would have happened if Daisuke hadn't kissed him back. I'm afraid that Daisuke's going to fool himself too, and no matter how much he loves Ken, he's not, and never will be 'in-love' with Ken.
I have always believed love is a beautiful thing, it knows no boundaries, it's the best thing that can happen to anyone, and the worst. However, fooling yourself, making yourself believe you're in love with someone you're not attracted to - that's wrong. Regardless of whether you're gay pretending to be attracted to girls or straight pretending to be attracted to guys.
It's stupid, heartbreaking, and it's the one line we should have known better than to cross.
"Okay, so what do we want to call it?" Miyako asks, her gold-brown eyes playful.
"Little Boy. Little Girl." My eyes meet Miyako's, and she smiles.
"Alright."
I've always been able to get Miyako agree to almost anything without an argument, we've been best friends since forever, and if I'm completely honest with myself, she's the main reason I don't have a girlfriend.
Not because I'm in love with her, but because every prospective girlfriend is compared to her, and I have yet to find a girl who can measure up. She could never date me - she'd hate it. Almost as much as she'd detest dating Ken.
Saccharine relationships have never been her thing, I suppose that's my angle to handle.
Miyako was the first person I ever "came out" to. I told her I was bi, and that I by far preferred girls, and she, well, she bit her lip and asked me if I was in-love with her.
I told her no and she smiled and hugged me. She's never been homophobic, but I sometimes wonder, if I had have said yes, what she would have done.
I don't think she would have been able to break my heart. My eyes return to Ken and Daisuke, but I think Daisuke could break Kens, without even realising it.
Miyako clears her throat, and sings the lines, her soft throaty voice filling the room.
"Little boy sitting on a playground swing, Wondering why he's all alone tonight. Little girl crying underneath the slide, Wondering why Mummy and Daddy have to fight.
And you're a big boy now, And boys don't cry. And you're a little lady now, And you mustn't be shy.
Well he's 10 years old, and on the playground swing, He's trying to hide from everyone who caused him pain. She watches him from faraway, eyes of crimson brown, Hair in dripping pigtails as she sits there in the rain.
And you're a big boy now, And boys don't cry. And you're a little lady now, And you mustn't be shy.
And she's 12 years old, and as pretty as can be, But she's starting to doubt who she really is. He watches her, and without a thought, Offers his friendship, along with a promise.
And you're a big boy now, And boys don't cry. And you're a little lady now, And you mustn't be shy.
And they're all grown up, Feeling hollow and lost, Yet they cling to each other, Because love has a high cost.
And you're a big boy now, And boys don't cry. And you're a little lady now, And you mustn't be shy.
No you mustn't cry honey, And you don't dare be shy."
There are a few minutes of silence as the group mulls over the song, and then I smile my customary half-smile, "I like it. It tells our story, without actually giving anything away."
"Yeah, you and Miya did a great job of writing the tune," Daisuke compliments me.
"Mm, I think it needs a slightly stronger bass-line, but I really like it." Ken smiles at Miyako, and she smiles back.
Ken and Miya have always been good friends, because, well, no offence to Dai-Dai, but he isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, and they both thrive on highly intelligent conversation. I don't consider myself stupid, but those two can make me feel that way, when they start talking about these obscure computer programs that they're into.
"Alright, we fix the bass-line then we give Oikawa a demo tape. All in agreement?" Miyako's brash voice cuts through my thoughts like a hot knife through butter, and I nod.
"Sounds like a plan."
Daisuke laughs, "Aye-aye capt'n."
"Let's do it," Ken says softly, eyes gleaming.
~~*~~
"Oikawa, we ah... we've written a new song. We wanted you to listen to it, and, y'know..." Daisuke is nervous, but he's beaming at the same time. We're arrayed behind him, trying to be supportive, yet unobtrusive.
I don't think it's working.
Oikawa smiles at us, and accepts the tape. I always got the feeling, when we gave him our first demo tape to listen to while we were waiting for our interview, that he couldn't have cared less whether we could sing or not. His oily, irritated expression now does nothing to soothe my suspicions.
He slides the tape into the tape player he keeps in his office, probably for this sole purpose, and listens with the fakest look of interest I have ever seen, plastered all over his sleazy handsome face.
I never liked Oikawa, and I have never trusted him. I guess he... rubs me the wrong way or something. In hindsight we should never have accepted his offer - we aren't the kind of band to look pretty and sing other peoples songs, and even if my band mates can't see it, that's what he wants us to be.
"Wonderful, it's... heartwrenching kids, I could really feel the emotion you must have put into it."
Daisuke's face lights up, his eyes glowing, and his very posture radiates how flattered he is - Daisuke couldn't hide an emotion if you paid him. Miyako is more subtle, but she blushes lightly, pleased with the praise, and even Ken's mouth quirks into what passes for a smile from him.
"I really wish we could do something with it, but it wouldn't be appreciated. You have to cater to your audience - maybe when you guys are famous you can have more of a say when it comes to song writing."
My three best friends stare at our manager in incomprehension, Daisuke quite obviously confused and the others angry at the restrictions he's placing on them.
"We're not allowed to write our own songs?" Miyako's voice is cold, dripping with cynicism.
Oikawa turns to her with his smarmy smile, and if I didn't know better, I would suspect he was purposefully baiting her, "It's... unnecessary. You're just there to look pretty, and make people sit up and pay attention."
I step forward, sliding my arms around Miyako's waist, to stop her from yelling back, and Ken, coldly polite, speaks for our little group, "We understand, Oikawa. Thank you for your time."
He smiles back, and I hate him all the more, "Not a problem kids. I'll see you all tonight at 5."
We nod and file out, Daisuke and Ken holding hands as they always do when we visit Oikawa, and Miyako still trapped within the curve of my arm. He makes this act so damned sordid - never before have I been ashamed of the fact that I'm attracted to other girls. I wonder if Ken ever feels dirty; like the way I'm feeling right now?
~~*~~
There are two uncomfortable looking sofas, angled so that the host of whichever TV talk show we're being interviewed by can speak to us and look at the cameras at the same time, and we can too.
Ken and Daisuke are directed towards one of the new-age looking couches by an attractive looking young woman, who appears to be in her mid 20's, carrying a clipboard. My eyes track her progress across the room, she's gorgeous, with cropped ginger hair, pale shoulders, bared by her off the shoulder shirt, a perfect pert little ass, and long shapely legs. Definitely my type of woman.
I vaguely hear Oikawa talking to us, and tune back in just in time to hear him berate Miyako, "You're not ready to face your public yet - and I'm not willing to let you ruin this. You don't say a word; you just sit there, look pretty, and let your bitch speak for you. She's going to be the topper in this relationship - I don't want you getting any funny ideas, or announcing that you're not a lesbian to save face. Starting from now you don't say a word."
Miyako opens her mouth to reply but Oikawa shakes his head, and she closes it, eyes blazing angrily. I'm angry too - how dare he try to control my beautiful free-spirited best friend in such a way?
Miyako's lips twist into a grimace, and she entwines our fingers and tugs me towards the couch, pulling me down into her lap in a gesture so unpractised it's uncomfortable. Miyako's never played a dominant or male role in a relationship - not that I think lesbian relationships should have a "male" and "female" partner. And pulling someone down so that they're sitting comfortably in your lap isn't easy to achieve without practise, particularly not if you're used to being the one sitting in the lap.
I shift, trying to get comfortable without making it look like I'm trying to get comfortable, and finally manage to settle into the crook of Miyako's lap, my arms twining around her neck in an imitation of a loving embrace.
Our valiant interviewer smiles charmingly at us, his eyes lingering on Miyako and I just slightly too long, and slightly too interestedly, before he turn back to the camera. The little light switches on and the man, Mike, launches into the traditional welcoming/explaining speech for the viewers, before he introduces us, as the controversial homosexual band, Forbidden. And then the questions begin, and to Oikawa's dismay, I'm sure, they're questions that actually require forethought, and intuition to answer.
"Do you think it's right that you four can make music videos which flaunt your deviation, when so many disagree with who and what you are?"
My first reaction is ouch, and my second is no. So I don't open my mouth to answer, and I look towards Ken, hoping he'll beat Daisuke to the punch. He does, and he even manages to force a smile.
"Do you think it's right that you can flaunt your heterosexuality on TV, in front of Daisuke and I when it obviously disagrees with us?"
The interviewer laughs charmingly, "A very good point. So, may I ask, do you always speak for the group, Ken, is it?"
Ken shifts, resting a hand of Daisuke's knee calmingly, "Not really, but as your comment was really quite cutting, I thought it was best that I answered it. It's in my nature to try and protect those I love."
"Of course. I'm going to have to ask the question that I know everyone's dying to know, since your band first came out. This, gimmick, is it for real, or are you four just straight kids trying to make it big."
Daisuke answers before I can, and I'm both relieved and alarmed, "We're for real. We love this, because of all the girls - and boys - who are gonna look up to us, and see that it's alright to be themselves. Yeah, we're different, but that's what makes us real. We bring it, y'know."
I can see Oikawa cringe, and it's easy to guess why, Daisuke lacks both tact and intuition, but he makes up for that in charisma. Mike turns to look at me and Miyako, and I guess I'm his next target.
"So, can I ask, what drew a pair of beautiful girls like you together? How did you meet? Through the band or in some other manner?" I can hear in his voice what he's implying, and I rise above it, deciding to stay as truthful as I can.
"Miyako and I were best friends for a very long time, and we were very close. When I was in about 9th grade I realised that, unlike the other girls in our class, we didn't seem to be interested in boys, and I also realised, in my case, it was because I was a lesbian. I confessed to Miyako, because I tell her everything, and she asked, in her confusion, if that meant that I found her attractive. I did, and I blushingly confessed, at which point she told me that she also was physically attracted to me. She wondered if that made her a lesbian, and I suggested we try a relationship, and she agreed. We haven't looked back since - I can't imagine ever loving anyone as much as I love Miyako."
Mike, the interviewer, looks disappointed at the lack of smut, but he's hard-pressed to find any fault in my story, and I know it will likely hold up under pressure, as it's based very firmly in fact. He turns to the boys instead, "I expect your story is much the same?"
Daisuke shakes his head, "No way. Ken and I-"
Ken looks horrified and claps a hand over Daisuke's mouth, which distracts everyone from the fact that Miyako and I are also looking at Daisuke in shock.
Ken covers his ass with a brilliant save, "He asked how we got together, love, not how much more active our sex life is. The truth is, Dai and I had a rough time getting together. Dais was actually in denial for a long time, and I kinda... pined for him while he seemed the perfect straight guy, aside from grabbing guys asses in his soccer and football games. It wasn't until I actually caught his fantasising about me - with his hands down his pants - that I realised I had a chance."
Daisuke breaks in, never one to let another keep the limelight, and continues, thankfully keeping to Ken's story, "It was actually like he knew what my fantasy was, cos he walked in, pushed me down on the bed, and climbed on top of me, rubbing himself all over me. I almost thought I was dreaming with my eyes open, and then, yeah we made out, and one thing led to another. The next day I was gay."
I try not to gape at him, as that would give him away, but his story is so ridiculous that one could almost believe it. Mike seems ready to move onto the next topic, and he directs it back at us.
"People think lesbians have an easier time than gays, would you agree ladies?"
"In some ways, perhaps, I would. It's probably easier to come out as a lesbian, because girls are less likely to be prejudiced than guys, and very few guys will actually go out of their way to beat a lesbian to a pulp. I have known some to be raped, but generally most guys accept it. Lesbians are, however, more likely to get unwanted propositions for men who are interested in threesomes."
"And what's your take boys? Did you find it hard to come out as gay?"
"Not really," Daisuke says with a broad grin, "I mean, if you're yourself, people will accept you. I was just me, only, well, I liked to have sex with people who weren't girls. Anyway, it meant more men got to gaze upon the sexiness of Motomiya and drool. Dude, it's just a matter of saying two little words: I'm gay."
Ken pinches Daisuke's thigh and cuts in, "I disagree. Some people will accept you, yeah, but there are other things that are hard about it. I mean, disappointing your parents, your friends, yourself. Unlike Daisuke, I wanted -- want kids. Being gay was like God saying, 'you're abnormal and I deny you the right to procreate'. There were people at school too, who wouldn't bother Dai because he's so confident, but who had an easy target when it came to me. It's better being out in the open, but it takes courage, and if that doesn't come naturally, then yeah, it's hard."
"Oh," Mike smiles, "I guess us straight boys never think about things like that. Personally I can't get past the idea of having someone shove something up there - I mean it's an exit hole, not an entryway."
Ken laughs easily, "Oh, it... grows on you. When you love someone and want to be close to them, things like that... cease to matter."
Mike laughs in return, and I wince, unable to shake the feeling that we're all lying. Ken's statement was general, yes, but Daisuke is so clueless, and Ken is being exploited so badly, both his knowledge and his sexuality, and Ken is acting like he doesn't notice. Is it because of Daisuke? I've noticed everyone in our little band has something of a weakness when it comes to Daisuke.
One of the cameramen yells out that it's time for the short commercial break and I stand, releasing Miyako, so that I can get the circulation back into my limbs.
"I'm just going to use the bathroom, alright?" I ask, my eyes seeking out Miyako's. She smiles and nods, giving her permission, and I leave the set heading towards the bathroom I noticed earlier.
"Hey," A warm voice greets me as I walk into the bathroom. The ginger haired assistant I'd noticed earlier smiles at me, and turns, setting her compact on the counter beside the sink.
"Hey yourself," I smile in return, my eyes slipping, to her plump kissable lips and I feel myself growing warm in response, a liquid feeling, like heat settling below my abdomen filling me.
"Hikari, right? I really admire your music. I like that you're... out there. Not a lot of lesbians would have the guts to be so open about who they are. I know I wouldn't."
That takes me by surprise, and I gaze into her chocolaty eyes adoringly, "But you're beautiful. You deserve to be worshipped on a stage."
The woman shakes her head, flushing; "I'm not. Besides, my mother would disown me. She's all I have left... if I disappointed her... what would I have left?"
"If she doesn't love you for who you are... nobody should have to pretend to be someone they're not..." I step forward to clasp her hands and she smiles sadly.
"I know, it tears you apart, when you pretend to be something that you're not. It's been so painful, being who she wants me to be..."
I can't help it, like I'm possessed I lean up and capture her lips. She kisses back, and it's like nothing I've ever felt before. This beautiful, talented amazing woman is kissing me as if she's addicted. And for the first time in my life, I don't feel the need to compare her to my best friend.
"I'm Sora," She whispers against my lips, and then she slips her fingers under my shirt.
"I know this is utterly ridiculous, but I think I could fall in love with you Sora... are you single?" I manage to ask, even though my hands are caressing her perfect luscious legs.
"Very. What about your girlfriend?"
"She doesn't love me. She's in love with someone else. She's my best friend. She'll want me to be happy." The statements are gasped out as Sora kneads my breasts, and sucks at my neck hard enough to leave a mark.
"Good. I think maybe I could love you too. You'd be there for me, I could rely on you, couldn't I?"
"You could rely on me," I whisper, "Are you busy this Saturday?"
She shakes her head, snuggling close, and I smile.
"Would you do me the honour of accompanying me on a date then. I would be prepared to meet your mother, if you need. I'll be there for you."
"I would love to." Sora returns, pressing a chaste kiss to my lips.
~~*~~
I return to the set in time to hear Mike, who's taken a seat next to my best friend in my absence, make a pass at Miyako. Her brown eyes are blazing furiously, and she looks nervous. Oikawa's shaking his head warningly, and Miyako looks trapped. I know how she feels, but before I can intervene, Daisuke does, furious that someone would make a move on his girlfriend in front of him.
"You pig, don't you lay a finger on-" Daisuke's tirade is cut off by Ken, who, like Daisuke, is now standing. He pulls the red-haired boy back into his arms and glares at Oikawa.
"Miyako was abused and she has difficulty talking to men. We would appreciate it if you left her alone. While she has had therapy, the kind of treatment you were giving her alarms her. It's quite obvious she is a lesbian, so talking about the size of your dick is more likely to make Daisuke and I ask you for a threesome, than Miyako and Hikari." Ken's voice is furious, but cold, and I am eternally grateful, despite the fact that the lie makes something inside me want to curl up and die. It's plausible, and for some reason - that makes it worse. I sit down next to Miyako and cuddle into her protectively, and to my surprise, she kisses me, on the lips, just in time for the camera to catch the move. I assume it's for Mike's benefit, but the kiss is painful. After kissing Sora, kissing Miyako seems so meaningless.
Answering the rest of Mike's questions, about where we're planning to go with out music, and who our influences doesn't seem to take any effort on my part, and even when he returns to the sexuality issue, I give vapid answers. Exploiting my sexuality suddenly seems to be a worse crime than it was in the beginning, and my mind keeps returning to Sora. I feel so cheap, lying about who I really am, when Sora, and so many other girls, are looking up to me. I can't do it.
I smile and respond politely when Mike thanks us for being on the show, and I file out with the others, but all I can think of is Oikawa's reaction when I quit. Was the contract we all signed legally binding, or can I leave without destroying the band?
~~*~~
"I can't do this - exploit myself like this I mean." I stare firmly at Oikawa, my stance confidant. He raises an eyebrow.
"You can't? You didn't seem to have a problem with it earlier."
I shrug, "I'm not going to be exploited for my sexuality, and I'm not going to pretend to be in a relationship with someone who I'm not involved with. I quit."
"You don't want to do that," Oikawa tells me, "The purple haired dyke will have a harder time on her own, and you want your cut of the money don't you?"
"I don't care about the money - and don't call Miyako that. She's not a lesbian and she doesn't deserve that type of disrespect."
"Look luv, if you stick around I'll work on giving you less of a role. If you can keep your bitch under control I'll even let her share the lesbian talk with you - less exploitation for you, alright?"
"No, it's not alright. She's not my bitch, and I don't think it's fair-"
"I see," Oikawa looks almost impressed, "This is about money? You want to make sure you two get as much as Ken and Daisuke. Well don't you worry your pretty little heads, so long as you perform-"
"You're not listening to me!" I yell over the top of his voice, my temper finally snapping, "I QUIT. I'm not doing this any more. Ever."
Oikawa looks pointedly at me, "Are you sure this is what you want to do? You signed the same contract as everyone else Hikiki, if you leave your share of the money comes straight to me."
I shake my head in disgust, just barely managing to keep from hitting the sleazy man, "I don't care about that. I never did this to get paid. It was never about the money."
"Au contraire, sweet cheeks, it was always about the money. That's all anyone cares about these days."
I let my lip curl, "Then I guess I'm the exception that proves the rule - I honestly couldn't care less. I quit."
He folds his hands over the desk, and gives me an oily smile, "Your contract of privacy still holds Hikiki - don't ruin your friends big break. And don't let the door hit you on your way out."
I school my features to reveal nothing, a talent I've always been proud of, though I never mastered it to the same extent as Ken, and then I stand and walk out. I know that I've made the right decision. I'm not going to exploit my sexuality, or lie about my relationship with my best friend. I refuse to destroy any and all chance of ever being with a woman - or man - who I am attracted to, or watch two of my closest friends' ruin one of the most intimate completely non-sexual relationships I've ever seen.
I just hope that they'll realise what they're doing to their friendship and just maybe, they'll follow my lead. Right now it's enough that I won't be a part of it.
I recklessly gather my things from our small dressing rooms, taking a cursory glance around for anything else I might need while my friends are otherwise occupied with their insalubrious pursuits. It only takes a few seconds, and while they're not intentionally ignoring me, I'm not really that noticeable, unless I really want to be noticed. I clear my throat and the three of them stop to look at me Ken and Daisuke both mid-drink, and Miyako from the other side of the room.
"You guys? I... I'm sorry, I can't watch you three destroy yourselves like this. I'm leaving." My voice holds steady as I gaze at them.
Ken meets my gaze, stands, and for a second I think he's going to try to stop me, but then he collapses giggling into Daisuke's lap. I don't think he even comprehends what I've just said. Fuck them. I honestly don't care any more.
I turn and gather my things, before briskly walking out without another word, trying to bite back the tears that sting my eyes.
Miyako's footsteps pound behind me, and she reaches out, catching my arm, her golden-brown eyes worried, "What do you mean? Hikari-chan!? Where are you going?"
"I'm leaving," I repeat. "If you had any sense you'd do the same." I gaze at my best friend, but my anger lessens as she bites her lip, casting an anxious look at Daisuke and Ken through the open doorway. They're still drunkenly congratulating themselves on a job well done, their hands and lips all over each other. I can't help but feel hurt for Miyako, but the sight doesn't seem to bother her the way it does me. I never have understood that girl.
"I can't." Her soft husky voice is raw with emotion, her fingers still caught in the fabric of my sleeve, "I can't leave Daisu, I'm sorry, I just... can't. He needs me." Her eyes plead with me silently, begging me to understand. And I do.
I nod, "I know. And when he doesn't, you know where to find me."
"Yeah," Miyako's oh-so expressive eyes hold a watery sheen, "When he doesn't, I'll know where to find you."
I walk about of the building without looking back, but I know that Miyako is silently weeping, and I know that I can't help my best friend.
Authors Notes: Hmm... not quite sure how much I like this chapter, I've been planning to play around with POV's all along, this is my first and probably last attempt at Hikari's. Finished at 1:30AM - yay for middle of the night work.
Oh well, it's a long one, over 5000 words, so hopefully that makes up for the wait, and the POV. I don't think I warned about the Hikora/Sokari. Oops. Anyway, one girl down... One to go. We all noticed there were no girls in the prologue... did we not?
Please Review. Tell me what you think?