Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to Resident Evil, Lord of the Rings, or anything thing that...uh...doesn't belong to me, which is pretty much everything else.
Author's note: I sort of stayed true to the game "rules," only because there would be no other story. I also wanted to show how easy it would be to do...uh...stuff. Basically, more "interactive."
Old Red Ass--Liz's POV
I smashed through the wall, somersaulted, and landed on my back, hearing the ceiling slam down behind me. Sighing, I lay there, covered with splinters and wooden pieces.
"You'd better be worth it," I whispered to the shotgun, petting it gently. Oh the fun I will have.. Painfully, I managed to get up and wipe off the wooden bits. I ran up the hallway, around a turn, and through a doorway, stopping in my tracks.
"M-milady? Milady, are you all right?" Legolas shouted through the wall of marble that pounded down. He managed to open the door, though it would have been to late.
"I wouldn't be 'all right' if I hadn't saved myself! What were you two doing?!" I yelled, angry at the fact that I had to waste two shotgun shells. It was then did I see everything around me.
Bullet holes were everywhere, and every other place besides there. The only things that didn't look like Swiss cheese were the elf and the dwarf, standing in shock, most likely wondering how I got from the room to the hallway without them knowing.
"What the hell happened?" I asked finally, motioning to all the bullet holes.
"We-we could not control your powerful magic," Gimli stumbled, kicking the gun that he dropped on the floor. It went off, causing him to jump and yelp running about in a few circles before realizing he looked like a dying sloth with an over-dose.
He quickly caught himself and tried to look as brave and tall as possible. Not all that possible. Real macho here.
"Yes. We tried to do as you said, though it may have gotten out of hand," Legolas explained, "We could not control the weapons."
"Aww, don't worry, Leggy. I forgive you for allowing me to die. I mean, if I weren't the brilliant person I was, I'd be as flat as a pancake. Crushed like a bug. Squashed to jelly, as Bilbo would put it! All because to you're inexperience.
"Now that I said that, I'll forgive you even more if you ditch the dwarf and come with me. I know some beds in here that aren't as blood-stained. Still stainable," I said as seductively as possible, practically glomping him.
"You must father my children. Just three, then I'll get the tubes tied. Imagine all the sex we want without having kids!!"
Gimli began twitching I believe, but I just gave him a kick and he rolled away somewhere.
"Well, I suppose it would be my duty as a man-"
"Elf."
"I'm a man."
"...Well that doesn't matter!" I cried, tugging at his shirt a bit violently.
A moan came from down the hall. Then a shrill "EEEK!"
Damn you, Gimli. Remind me to kill you when I'm done with Sexy-Leggy- Pants. Or No-Pants. Yeah. No-Pants. Sounds better.
Legolas turned in my hands, stroke a sexyrific battle pose and dashed off to be heroic.
Damn.
Oh yeah! Splatin' zombie guts across walls was never funner. Of course, that isn't a word, so...
I stopped, remembering something, and Legolas and Gimli smacked into me. Gimli, stepping back dazedly, scowled. "If your feet ran as fast as your mouth, we would have been out of here and off to save my beloved, so if you would-"
I mostly ignored the grouchy dwarf, as I had in days long past, were memories have faded, and facts have been shaped into legends, and legends have been shaped into myths. Now what was it that I had remembered? The thought drifted in my mind, just out of reach; on the tip of my tongue. . .
"Gah! I forgot about the Crimson Head Elder Guy! Must...get...masks...and...kick...Crimson Elder ass..."
"Crimson Elder ass, milady? I am afraid I do not understand. You wish to kick an old red ass? What has the poor creature-"
"Never mind that! We must set forth and get masks, for with out those masks, this God-given weapon of destruction I now hold in my hands with never be used to its fullest," I explained, holding the shotgun proudly high above my head. "Come on, we gotta go and get some chemicals for some plants. Follow me," I said, walking down the hall. Legolas followed, followed by Gimli, who obviously didn't wish to be left behind.
"Hmm..."
"'Hm'? I do not like that 'hm'! Are you sure you want to use 'hm'?" Gimli asked fearfully. Dogs had just attacked as soon as I had opened the door to the outside, which I found unusual.
It was then that we realized that the horrible smell that plagued the entire Fellowship as we had previously been traveling and the smell that seemed to have gotten worse when Legolas, Gimli, and I reached the Spencer Manor was actually Gimli when one of the dogs tore off a piece of meat.
I wasn't surprised.
I mean, I've watched Legolas bath with my stealthiness (at I think he didn't see me from the trees, though he did once tell a squirrel that he would kill it if it didn't go away...) and I'm sure Aragorn and Boromir were bathing whenever they went off, as camp was set near some river, and Jen was too nitpicky to not bath.
I don't know about the hobbits, I've always thought they licked themselves like cute little puppies.
But I have never seen Gimli even make a move towards water. It might be some sort of dwarf phobia. Too gross and ugly to swim.
Legolas went completely white when the dogs began munching on that huge hunk of beef and Gimli was flailing like a beached manatee.
After shooting off a few, the dogs dispersed and Legolas and I inched forward, expecting large amounts of carnage. Gimli was just fine, however, if only a bit jittery. Damn, so close. He still had pieces of meat hanging off his armor.
I poked at it with my shotgun for a few minutes before Gimli remembered saving that bit of meat during Elrond's farewell feast way, way back before the entire trip. Apparently, the stupid little weirdo forgot about the chunk of mutton until this time. Gross.
After throwing the old, rotting, maggot-infested food, the dwarf followed Legolas and I as I rounded the corner to retrieve the sack of "Chemical". Hurling it over my shoulder, I turned to walk back. It was then that I wished I had some magical way to fit everything into my shirt or something like Jill in Resident Evil 2. Magical tube-tops are a girl's best friend.
"Milady, if you would allow, I would be willing to carry that burden for you," Legolas asked so chivalrously.
"Uh, sure," I said uncertainly. Undoubtedly odd, but convenient. And superly sexy. Yum.
We backtracked and headed for the Feeler. Now that name just sounds vulgar. Yum, again.
Kicking open the door and immediately blasting the first zombie I saw clear to kingdom-come, I made my way down the hallway to the small hothouse at the end of the house. The other zombie shambled towards Legolas, Gimli, and I as we stood in the doorway.
I knew of the little critter in the first place, but watching Gimli squirm and nearly wet his pants as the zombie fell on top of him before I blew of the head of the undead creature was certainly an experience I will never forget.
'Specially when he ruined my moment with Sexy-Leggy-No-Pants. Er...sadly he still had on pants, but...
And so, after disposing of the second zombie that seemed quite fond of Gimli, I lead the small group down the hall. When the zombie smacked themselves against the windows to the left, Legolas and Gimli nearly had heart attacks. Okay, so Legolas was an exaggeration, but I swear Gimli was clutching his chest for a few moments after the "attack".
I opened the door and strode in, turning sharply to the system of pipes. "Yo, Leggie! Throw the Chemicals!" Now that is one thing I never would have thought I would have said in my life. Asking a fictional, and very sexy, character to toss a bag of Chemical.
The elf merely walked over and held out the bag in lieu of chucking it across the room. "Well, that works, too," I added. Dumping it into the water tank, I clicked the switch to red and watch gleefully as the plant writhed pitifully in its last minutes of life. Not as good as a zombie, and not that one could call it a zombie's last minutes of life, but...
Legolas froze, and something seemed to twist inside his eyes. Of course, when the plant died, he shook his head and turned away. Eh, it must be some sort of Elf-Tree-Hugging connection that I'm not aware of. Whatever. Still superly sexy. Studly. Yum.
After stepping over the thick vines of the dead plant, I reached to the back of the room and snatched the first Death Mask. "Well? What d'ya think? Nah, it clashes with my shirt, no?" I joked with Legolas and Gimli, holding the mask up to my face. They were cringing when I pulled it away from my face. Turning it around, I realized that it did look rather creepy; even more so in reality.
"Yeah, well, let's go before all the zombies rot on themselves." They followed as I shoved the mask into my belt and walked out the door.
"Argh!" I shouted. "Everyone just needs to calm down!" Gimli was shouting and screaming after I had placed the first death mask into place on the stand in the crypt for safe keeping and the first chain snapped, causing the coffin to swing wildly.
The dwarf then grabbed onto Legolas' leg and began pulling wildly, causing the already startled elf to fall when his knee buckled and he and Gimli were sent sprawled on the floor. Gimli apparently thought he was under attack by the floor or something, for he began thrashing as if he were having a seizure. They both paused where they were and looked up.
"Thank you," I said, walking towards the stairs to exit the sepulcher and onto the other Masks. They scrambled up and followed, eyeing the coffin cautiously while hurrying up the stairs.
My boots shifted the mist around the ground as I made my way to the gate. "Allow me to explain: In the game, this gate is 'locked from the other side,' but I am smarter than the game! Behold!" I said as I reached through the bars of the gate.
Bending my wrist, I grabbed the doorknob and turned. The gate swung open. "I am a genius, no time for dummies, 'cause I am a genius, and the reeeest."
Moon-walking through the gate, I stopped and picked up the mask. "That was easy... tooooo easy. No, wait...just easy," I said, joining Legolas and Gimli as they stood outside, still unsure of what I was talking about. "Well, let's go and deposit this check."
After placing the second mask on the wall, and calming down to two simpletons from screaming hysterically, again, I began to think. And think I did. I got a brilliant idea. I didn't have to get all the masks before fighting the Crimson Guy.
And I was practically dying of anticipation of the fight. I could almost taste the adrenaline already pumping through my veins.
"I can't take it any more!!" I shouted shooting several times at the coffin that still swayed from side-to-side. Legolas and Gimli exchanged a rather frighten look as they backed away from me fearfully. "You two, get over here and give me a lift!" I ordered, a great plan in mind. So great it scared me. They inched forward, and then scrambled as fast as possible when I growled a nice, rounded threat.
I basically used Gimli as a stepping-stool onto Legolas' shoulders. He wobbled as I struggled to grip at the chains of the coffin. Finally fed up, I made a jump for it, grabbed a chain, and hoisted myself onto the edge of the coffin that was still attached from the chains of the ceiling. Glancing down, I saw that Legolas had fallen to the floor when I pushed myself off his shoulders. "Uh, are you okay? Need some lovin'??" I asked.
"J-just fine, milady," he said shakily, rising up on his arms. "Eh," I responded, so, so disappointed.
'Now then, how to get these chains off...' I thought. Shooting at the chains didn't seem to work after shooting at them for about five minutes. "Darn it! Why. Won't. You. Break!" I shouted, jumping up and down on the lid whilst still shooting the remaining chains.
Don't ask how I accomplished that. I'unno.
One of the chains snapped, causing me to scream and grasp for anything near me in panic. I grasped the lid around the casket and held on tight as the coffin swung from side to side.
The stone lid suddenly shifted. I cursed rather loudly as the entire thing slid off and I fell to the ground, with the lid landing right on top of me, crushing my organs and severing my body in half.
THE END.
Just kidding. Starting over...
The stone lid suddenly shifted. I cursed rather loudly as the entire thing slid off and I fell to the ground with an "Oof" and the lid smashing down behind me. Looking up, the body of the Crimson Head Elder rested in the coffin, eyes closed.
I expected it to wake up or something, but it didn't. It just lay there, sleeping or something. After some time, I grew impatient and growled, stepping forward. Shotgun in hand, and I screamed, "Wakey, Wakey!!" and shot the body several times.
The casket swayed back and forth from the momentum of the shots and the body of the Crimson Head fell from its resting place with a thud.
For several moments it lay there, and I thought the shots must have killed it, sadly. When Gimli reached forward and poked at it with the tip of his ax, however, it twitched, and Gimli was sent screaming to the back of the tomb. The body rose, and the creature stood there, confused, looking about. How stupidly stupid.
Ushering Gimli and Legolas outside to the outside of the tomb, I turned. "You boys better get back to the mansion. Things are about to get ugly...'cause it's fun."
The gates of the tomb suddenly slammed down, locking the two outside, and they seemed rather happy and relieved...after the brief time they thought they were stuck on the inside. Well, mostly the ugly thingy called Gimli. Sexy-Leggy-No-Pants, with pants, seemed to try and calm him down by kicking him.
Turning back at the Crimson Head Elder, I shouted out toward it. It caught sight of me and narrowed its beady little eyes. Roaring, it charged, claws outstretched. I ducked and laughed. "Hahahaha! You suck! Come on, get me!"
I continued to duck and shoot. Apparently, it wasn't used to fighting a foe capable of ducking, and kept falling.
Duh?
Enraged, it turned to me, green mist floating about its head. Charging, it tried again. "For goodness sake, stand still!" it roared. Whoa. Rewind for a second. It. . .talked?!! Cursing in surprise, I froze. It slashed down and caught me on the right shoulder, sending me crashing to the stone floor.
Pain shattered through my shoulder as I struggled to get up and reach for the shotgun that had been flung out of my grasp. "Thank you," it growled, almost grinning. This was getting too creepy.
It lunged, and I tried to think through the fog of shock still lingering from the whole "Talking Crimson Head Elder" bit. My Berettas. I reached to my belt and whipped out a gun into my left arm and shot as many times as I could; basically fifteen shots.
The creature was held back against the barrage of bullets, giving me time to get up. Reloading as quickly as possible, I shot another round. My right arm hurt too much to move at the moment, so I had only fifteen rounds at a time, rather than thirty.
The battle was still going well. I flung the minor weapon aside and reached for the shotgun. Bracing it against my elbow, I aimed as best as I could and fired. And again. And again. And again. And...a whole lota times.
The Crimson Head Elder eventually became the Crimson Pile of Rotting Body Parts. Sure, I used up about eight rounds of shotgun shells, but that was a price to pay for pure satisfaction.
Reaching down, I grabbed the Stone-and-Metal object that fell with the zombie. Now to reach the switch to unlock the gate. Grabbing the Beretta I threw to the ground, I took careful aim and shot at the center of the still hanging casket.
I missed the first time, but hit my target in the next shot and looked behind to see the gate begin to rise. It rose about half-way before short- circuiting and stopping. "Well, whatever works," I sighed and crawled through.
Now to only find the guys.
(Earlier)
Legolas' POV
The metal door slammed before me, preventing me from my chivalrous deed of rescuing the brave damsel from the horrid creature. The small, dwarfish man pulled me away as I looked to see the maiden taunt at the new foe and use her magical thunder ((i.e. the gun)) against the creature. The dwarfish fellow dragged me up the stairs and into the cool night air. He was rather shaken.
"I say we make for the house. We should be safer there," he suggested.
"But the maiden is fighting down there," I put in. "We should at least wait or assist her."
"We must assist ourselves while we still can! To the house!" the small man roared and made for the large building. Unsure of what to do, I trusted my previous encounters with similar creatures, and remembered that the lady was quite capable to take care of herself, however guilty I felt for leaving her. I followed the man as he avoided the carcasses the maiden slew before and opened the door.
"Do you remember those rooms she told us about? The ones that we safe from enemies? Do you remember where they were?" he asked as we walked in.
"I haven't a clue," I replied. He mumbled something and stepped forward.
"Well?"
"Well what?"
"What should we do?"
"I haven't a clue."
"You said that already."
"Alright, then. How about we try to find one of these rooms?"
"Is it safe?"
"I haven't a clue."
Walking around, I figured they must have gone back into the house. I walked about, through every room we've been in, and some we haven't, and still failed to find them. "Hello?!! Leggie!!!! Dwarfy-dude!!!! Where are you?!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.
Listening intently, I suddenly heard a distant returning call and followed.
I burst through a door I was sure the source of the shouting was from. Sure enough, Gimli was sitting there, near to tears, shouting his head off.
"Gimli! Gimli!!! Shut up!!!" I shouted, trying to be heard. He stopped and looked at me, then to the pale figure beside him. It was then that I noticed Legolas, sitting there, pale as a ghost.
"Uh, he's just sleeping right?"
Legolas briefly opened his eyes tiredly at the sound of me, but closed them again.
"Oh, it was horrible! A huge snake came and bit him!"
"Huge snake! Yawny! Where is he? Where'd he bite Legolas?"
Gimli coughed nervously. "In the, um, in the, you know," he said.
"No, I don't know," I replied, honestly confused.
"The unmentionables," he whispered.
"Oh. Oh! Why didn't you say so? I'll just suck out the venom!!" I said cheerfully. Glorious Lord, thank you! Gimli's eyes widened, but I turned towards the pale elf anyways and leaned in. A hand stopped me, sadly.
"Milady, please. At least allow me the dignity to die without having to. . ." he trailed off. Ah, the modest little elf didn't want us to express our love in front of the dwarf. I see, I see, I see.
"No! You shall not die! Not when we have yet to go through the great ritual of making. . .er. . . children!" I shouted, censoring it for Gimli's virgin ears. He was still shocked.
"But he is dying! The snake was gigantic and-"
"Have no fear! There is an antidote! I must hurry and get it as quickly as I can, so, I'm off!!" I shouted, on my way out the door.
{2 Minutes Later}
"Dammit, Gimli, I forgot what I was-"
"You were getting the cure, you ill-fated wench!!" he bellowed, spittle flying.
"Ah, yes. Now I must hurry! I'm off!"
ACTUAL End of Chapter.
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