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I pulled into the driveway, and keyed in the security code for the gate. I brushed my hair out of my eyes, and drove into the manor's garage. Tired as I was, I decided to be lazy, and used Barbara's keypad and ramp to open the door, instead of the key.
Dropping my purse and gym bag on a chair, I sat at my vanity, and stared at my reflection for a minute. :: When do I get my body back? Damn you, J'onn! :: I sighed, and started to pull my jacket off. I hung it up, and booted my laptop to check my mail while I got my skirt and hose off. I inspected the hose, and noted only one small run on the heel. I could wear them again tomorrow with different shoes, so I put them in the bathroom sink to soak. I'd rinse them and hang them up to dry later.
My mail program dinged. One message stood out among the spam:
From: FunnyGirl funnygirl@freenet.gcu.edu
To: KittyCat kittycat@freenet.gcu.edu
Subject: Pictures of your friends …
Kitty:
We've got pictures and video of the party we threw for your friends! Harvey and Puddin' entertained them while Pammie and I got ready (perfection takes time, y'know!). After that, it was a 'girls only' party (wink, wink, nudge, nudge!), while Harvey and Puddin' did their own thing. Pammie and I traded off on the video camera, as we entertained your friends as only we can!
Why don't you and your friend stop by the 'berg? We've left copies with Sly in case we miss you.
H.
I dug out a Post-it™ and scrawled a note for Sheila.
Sheila-
Can you come see me after you get changed?
Selina
I didn't bother with a robe, just ran down the hallway barefoot in my underwear to her door. I turned the corner, and she was just opening the door.
"Hello, Selina. Come on in. New costume?" She grinned.
"Um. Well, I didn't want to bother with a robe, and I just got in … " I stammered.
"It's just us girls. Don't worry about it. I guess you didn't go to slumber parties when you were a kid, did you?" At my blank look, she grinned again, and nodded. She motioned to a chair, and I flopped into it. She set her briefcase down on top of the box of case files on a small dolly, and then pulled her jacket off. Reaching behind her, she pulled down her dress zipper, and asked, "What can I do for you?"
"I just got an email from Harley. They've got pictures and video from their 'guests', and wanted to know when we'd be by the Iceberg."
"I can't. I've got trials coming up, and I've got to prepare for them. I've got case files to read tonight, and notes to make, and then I've got motions to draft tomorrow. Sorry, but as Mom once said, 'Not on a school night, young lady!' I'd like to see them, though. Maybe we could do a movie night?" Sheila replied.
"I don't know if a 'movie night' would be a good idea. Harvey and Joker shot some of it, and then Ivy and Harley took over for them. I'll pick them up for you." I started to rise, and then remembered something else. I ran my hands through my hair, and said, "Sheila, I need a favor." She turned, and raised her eyebrow. I took a breath, and said, "What's an OB visit like?"
She giggled, and then kicked off her shoes, and sat in a chair in her slip, bra and pantyhose. She finally stopped laughing, and said, "I finally get to be a big sister! I'll tell you, but it comes with a price. First, I've been invited to a Halloween party at the university Friday night, and I don't want to go alone. Secondly, I want to go out on a patrol with you. That's you, as Batgirl. I think you need to accept that for the foreseeable future, you're female, which kind of rules out Batman, and Catwoman isn't known as a crime-fighter. As evidence, I'd like to introduce the rather scanty underwear you're wearing. It's very frilly, and very feminine." She looked at me, and asked, "Are we agreed?"
I crumpled the note in my hand, then took a breath, and said, "Agreed."
"Excellent! Now then, stand in front of the mirror, reach back and unfasten your bra." She waited until I did so, and then continued, "I want you to look at your breasts. Thrust them out, and run your hands over them. This is part of the exam, one that the doctor will do, but I also want to show you how to do a self-exam. Breast cancer is one of women's most secret and potent fears. We don't let this on to our husbands or lovers, but it's absolutely terrifying, and there's not nearly enough money spent on research. Now then, take your left hand …"
***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***
I walked into the kitchen, and dropped my purse next to the door. I poured myself a cup of tea, sat down, and stared into it.
"Problem, Miss Selina?" Alfred asked.
I sighed, and admitted, "Yes, Alfred. I wonder when I'm getting my original body back."
"I see." Alfred sat down next to me, and said, "I daresay that Master Bruce is wondering the same thing. However, he is taking the opportunity to learn about life on the 'other side', so to speak. I daresay that it is something that many people have wondered about. You have a unique opportunity, Miss. I would suggest you take advantage of it."
I took a sip of tea, and then stood up. "When did you get so wise, old friend? I'll go out and learn this female side, and profit by it." I patted his shoulder, and said, "Have a good day, my friend. I'm going to stop by the post office and check the boxes, then go by the Iceberg, and then to the doctor. Ta!"
"Please pick up some stamps, Miss, and have a good day!" Alfred said. I waved, and left.
***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***
After cleaning out both Bruce's and my own mail boxes, I stood in line at the Gotham central post office, idly reading a copy of the "East Coast Meta Times - The publication for the X community!" I noticed Herr Kittlemeyer's first display ad, although it was nothing more than "Kittlemeyer's supplies" and a phone number. The lady behind me coughed, and I moved up in line, shoving the rest of the mail into my purse, and turned to the Gotham section. I glanced up, moved up another couple steps, and glanced through the usual ads for prostitutes, henchmen and women and the GCPD tip line (1-800-TIP-GCPD). I wondered how much business that line got. The lady coughed again, and I moved up to the counter.
"Hello. Two rolls of first class stamps, and I'd like to pay the fee for box 561651, please." I said with a smile, as I got out my wallet.
The clerk glanced at the copy of the Times I had laid on the counter, grunted, and punched his terminal. "One oh five forty, lady." He stamped a receipt for the box, and another for the stamps. I laid down some bills, and he slid my sixty cents change back to me. I smiled at him, and he shouted, "Next!" I dropped the change in the bottom of my purse, grabbed my stamps and receipts, and pushed out the door.
***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***
It was a few minutes before opening as I pulled into the Iceberg's parking lot. Killing the cycle's engine, I put my helmet on the bike, and walked up to the door. Tapping on the glass, I waved at Sly, who wandered over, and unlocked the door. "We're not open yet, Miss."
"Sly! Don't you recognize me?" I purred in Catwoman's voice.
"Oh. Sorry. I didn't recognize you without the mask." Sly said.
I grinned, and resumed my normal voice. "Don't worry about it. Pamela left some stuff for me?"
"Sure. C'mon in while I get it." He held the door for me, and I strolled in, boot heels clicking on the tile. A small blonde that I recognized was mopping the floor, and glanced at me as I followed Sly to the bar. Her eyes widened, and I saw her lips tighten.
"She looks familiar." I said as Sly rummaged behind the bar.
He glanced up at me, and said, "She gave you as a reference. She got out with that jailbreak a couple days ago, said her street name was 'PomPom'."
"Don't worry about it. I need to talk to Oswald tonight anyway; I'll tell him then. How's she doing?" I accepted the package from Sly with a smile.
"Okay, but I get the idea that this is her first job, y'know?"
I smiled and nodded. "Gotta run. Thanks; Sly, and I'll see you tonight! Have a good day!"
***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***
I walked into the Doctor's office five minutes early, and noticed a clipboard. I told the receptionist, "I'm Selina Kyle, and I have an eleven o'clock appointment with Dr. Phillips."
"Sign in, please, and have a seat. The Doctor's running a few minutes late today." The receptionist said as she pulled out a file from one pile, and put it on a counter.
I scribbled my name, and wrote 10:55 in the column to the right. Turning, I surveyed the room, done in peach with white trim, with comfortable chairs, several plants, kids playing with puzzles in a corner, and two trapped looking men, sitting with their wives or girlfriends. One of them looked familiar, and the blonde next to him glanced up from her needlepoint, smiled, and waved.
I sat down next to her, and said with a smile, "Hello, Harley. Fancy meeting you two here." Joker just continued to hunch forward, as in pain, rolling and unrolling a copy of Cosmopolitan back and forth in his hands.
"How can you stand this hellish torture?" Joker whispered. "There's not even anything good on TV - just those damned soap operas!"
"Don't we live soap-opera lives, Harley, dear?" I asked. "Poor dear would die for some football now, wouldn't he?"
"Or even CNN." Harley agreed. She addressed Joker, "Now, Puddin', I told you that I'd be perfectly fine by myself, but you insisted on coming ta keep an eye out. Just relax, would ya?"
The nurse called "Ms. Smith? This way, please." Harley and Joker both stood up, and Harley gently pushed him down. "I'll be back soon, puddin'. Relax and read a magazine." I glanced around, and the other man was reading the only copy of Newsweek.
I sat back, and pulled out a copy of the Meta Times. I glanced at the address block to make sure I didn't give Joker Bruce's copy, and then offered it to him. He grabbed at it like a drowning man, with only a nod of thanks. I dug a novel (borrowed from Sheila) along with a tracking bug out of my purse, and then set it down next to Harley's bag of needlepoint supplies. I palmed the bug into her bag, settled back, and started to read.
***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***
"Ms. Kyle? Sorry for the delay. The doctor will see you now." Joker waved the magazine at me, and I smiled and shook my head. Stuffing the novel back into my purse, I glanced at my watch (12:35!), and followed the nurse.
"Take a robe, and change in one of those rooms. I'll be back in a minute for you." The nurse told me. I sighed, and found a robe, and took it with me.
:: This thing doesn't close all the way, and it's too short! :: I told myself as I glanced in the mirror. I heard the nurse say, "Ms. Kyle? Are you ready? Clothes in a bag? You can hang your jacket up in here if you want."
:: I want to wear it! :: I told myself. "Just a sec!" I called, as I folded and stuffed my jeans and clothing in the plastic grocery bag Sheila had suggested I stash in my purse. Carrying my boots and purse, along with the bag, I staggered out, and handed my jacket to the nurse, who slid it on a wire coat hanger, then waved me after her. I followed her down the corridor, and into a room. She slid my file into a bin on the door, then closed the door with a cheerful smile on her face.
***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***
"Hello, Ms. Kyle. Long time no see." A man in his early sixties came in, closing the door after himself. He had a ridge of gray hair with the typical male pattern baldness, but didn't try to hide it by attempting a comb-over. Tall, and fairly thin, he smiled at me, and said; "I mustn't forget to get those samples from you this time. So, how have you been?"
"Um. Average, I think. You know, same old, same old." I replied.
The doctor grunted, and said, "Ready? Up on the table, you know the routine." He turned to wash his hands, and then donned a pair of gloves. He turned, and said, "It's difficult to give you an exam when you're wearing that gown. Off with it, please, and feet in the stirrups." He turned to pull off the wrapping from an instrument tray, and then placed the instruments on a rolling cart. He took a shiny pistol-like thing, and checked the action. Putting it down, he pulled me closer to the edge, and adjusted the position of my feet in the stirrups. He hummed a bit, and I jumped when he … inserted that pistol thing into me, and started to adjust it He glanced up, and asked, "Too cold?"
"No, just a bit … unexpected." I answered. He grunted, and I could feel … things … moving in me. I reminded myself to thank Sheila. If I had done this unprepared, the doctor would have needed a doctor himself now.
I felt the pistol thing withdrawn, and my feet removed from the stirrups. They were swung to the side, and the doctor motioned me to sit up. He stepped to the side to change gloves, and then asked me, "How are your periods? Your normal flow, time and duration?" I nodded, even though I had no idea, and he continued, "You're overdue for a mammogram. We can do it today if you'd like, or schedule it for later. Do you think you are, or might be, pregnant?" I shook my head, and he added, "Given your 'night job', Ms. Kyle, I'd suggest doing it now. If you'd sit up, I'll do a breast exam for you." I leaned back and thrust out my chest, and the doctor started to examine my breasts. He was unaware of my tension, but I breathed deeper when he finished.
"No problems found. Do you want to do the mammogram, or are you in a hurry?"
"No, let's do it." I said. Sheila hadn't mentioned this. "You still need those samples?" I asked.
"Please. The nurse will do them and the mammogram. Do you have any questions?"
"Um. Yes." I took a deep breath, and asked, "About my … night job?"
"As Catwoman? Yes. I won't go into my feelings about it; that's your choice. Why, did something happen?"
"Well, yes. A few weeks ago, Batman and I ran into a trap of Harley's, and we, well, we … switched minds." I forced out.
"I see. You're referring to the Joker's girlfriend, Harlequin? The same Joker that's sitting in my waiting room right now?" I nodded, and he said, "Excuse me a moment." He turned, and walked out the door. I dove for my purse, and pulled out my cell phone, quickly punching in the GCPD's tip number. It rang and rang, until finally a bored operator picked up.
"Tip Gotham PD. Your name, please?"
"That doesn't matter, I've got the location of the …" I said.
"I can't process your information without a name."
"Fine. Um. Hillary Clinton. Now then, the location of the …"
"Your phone number, Ms. Clinton?"
"Look, do you want this information or not?" I demanded.
"Your phone number, Ms. Clinton?"
"555-1212! It's the location of the Joker! It's …"
"That's not the number I show. May I have your phone number, Ms. Clinton?" the nasal operator said. I snarled and hung up. I was about to call the Commissioner's office directly, when I heard footsteps outside.
***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***
A tap on the door sounded, and Dr. Phillips walked back in. He said, "Sorry. I wanted to get blood and urine samples from her before she left. I doubt I could get one from him, although I'd dearly love to." He cleared his throat, then said, "I presume this has been verified somehow, although I have no idea how it would be."
"Actually, the Manhunter from the JLA verified it with a mind-touch." I said, as I dropped my cell phone back in my purse. "I normally wouldn't have told you, but, well, Catwoman said you could be trusted."
"That's nice to know. Now then, I'm sure that you have all kinds of questions. Why don't you put the gown back on, and then we can finish up the lab work. You can then get dressed. I'll sit down with you, and explain your new plumbing to you, like I would with a girl that's just started." He raised an eyebrow, and I nodded. With a smile, he gathered up my chart. As he turned to leave, he added, "By the way, although I am loath to violate the trust of my patients, their safety comes first. I did call the police with the location of the Joker and Ms. Quinzel. They should be able to handle the matter." He opened the door, and left me to try to figure out how to tie the gown's strings so it would stay on.
***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***
The blood and urine samples were routine. However, the mammogram involved squishing each of my breasts between two steel plates, while wearing a lead apron. They were cold steel plates, too. I wondered if my breasts would even fit in my bra again. I got dressed, and the nurse waved me over to wait in Dr. Phillips' office. I set my things down on a chair, and examined some of the puzzles and games in the office.
"Mr. Nigma gave those to me." Dr. Phillips said as he came in the door. "We share a love of puzzles. He's donated some of the ones in the play area - all non-lethal, I assure you. Puzzles keep my mind active. I met him at the Barnes and Noble in Tribeca. While I'm sure that you're concerned about the Joker and Ms. Quinzel, the matter is being handled. Please, have a seat, and let's talk."
***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***
I walked out with two new patient envelopes (one for Clarissa), and noticed the turf signs outside Dr. Phillips' office. I took out a Sharpie™ marker, examined them, and touched up Batgirl's.
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I started the motorcycle and engaged the tracking device for Harley's bug. I saw the bug's icon about eight blocks away. Securing my helmet, I turned out of the parking lot, and pursued.
I stopped at a police barricade about three blocks from the bug's location. I heard some shots in the distance, but the cop told me to "Move along, Miss. Nothing to see here." A couple of police helicopters clattered overhead. I waved at the cop, and pulled away.
Two blocks further on, I pulled into an alleyway to think. Plugging in my helmet radio to the police band, I heard "Joker's down! Joker's down! Leg wound, approach with caution!" I checked the bike's storage compartments, and only found Catwoman's gear. I debated with myself if I should change, and try to approach the site in daylight as Catwoman with the heavy police presence, or wait until night. We were in the university district, so it was likely that Harley had rented a safe house here, posing as a student.
"Hey, babe! New in town?" A fraternity jock asked me. I glared at him and started the bike. "Bitch!" I heard his buddy mutter. I gunned the engine and headed home.
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I pulled into the garage, and gassed the bike up. Parking it, I waved hello to Alfred, and headed down into the cave. I dropped my purse on a table, and checked the tracking bug's location, which hadn't changed from the corner of Magnolia and 31st. I pulled off my jacket, and turned on the police band radio as I logged into the computer.
I heard her heels, and Sheila asked, "How did the doctor's appointment go?"
I looked up, and answered "Fine. Thanks for your help, by the way."
"No problem. What are you looking for?"
"Harley's safe house in the university district." I pointed to the tracking bug's icon on the wall map. "The bug that I planted on her hasn't changed from its location on the Southeast side, but there are no apartments there, just small shops and bodegas, so she must have dropped it. That area has to be where she's taken Joker. The last I heard, he was injured in a shootout with police." I replied.
"Hmf. How are you doing this?"
I sat back and steepled my fingers. "I'm running a search on rental apartments, cross-referencing them with power and utility bills, so I can get a feel for occupancy patterns."
"That's going to be a lot of data. Try eliminating those people that have had phone service for at least six months. They're likely to be permanent residents, or students, and Harley is probably using a cell phone. Also, don't forget that Gotham U. just implemented year-round classes as an option, so there's going to be some students that would stay over the summer, instead of going home." Sheila suggested.
I considered this, and glanced up at her. "How did you know that?" I asked, as I keyed in the additional queries.
"I taught a family law course there last term." She poked my shoulder, and said, "Something you should consider, young lady. It doesn't hurt you to get out and socialize, you know."
I snorted. "I don't have time for socializing. There are criminals out there."
Sheila turned my chair, and leaned on the arms, facing me. "No, there are people out there. Would you consider yourself a criminal? By the standards of our society, you are, or you at least have a criminal past, Selina Kyle. You yourself are not an absolutist. You let the 'victimless' criminals go in order to catch the bigger fish. Otherwise you'd be arresting every bookie and hooker on the street." She took a step away, and said, "I once defended Pamela Isley, when she was just starting out as Poison Ivy. I asked her why. Why did she live in the park, why did she steal? She answered very simply that there was no place else for her to live, outside a hospital ward. She stole to eat, to survive. She couldn't go on public assistance, so what other choice did she have? You don't hassle the homeless people, why go after Pamela? It's too bad she didn't remember me." She took another step back, and said, "If you want my help, I'll give it. But I'll also be helping people that need it. That's why I took up criminal law, to help people. Someone like Joker is a mad dog. Harley, though? Harley needs help, not a punch in the jaw."
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Preliminary results gave over a hundred and fifty possible safe houses. I looked over the list, and then headed for the costume vault. I stopped at Catwoman's, but then turned, and opened Batgirl's.
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### Chapter 24: Of Doctors and Denial