Shared Destiny

Author: Norwalker

Part 3 of ?

Summary: Faith asks, in Enemies, " Everybody  asks why can't you be more like Buffy. But does anyone ask why Buffy can't be more like me?" So, what if , after season 3, Buffy became more like Faith?

Rating/ Category:  Rated R  Romance/Angst

Spoilers: Possible season 3 and after spoilers.

Time Line: Departs after season 3

Disclaimer: Joss Whedon , Mutant Enemy and Fox own them.

Warnings: Dark fiction. Character Death happens, please be aware of this. Strong language, sexual situations between members of the same sex. Violence. Possible racial/ethnic slurs that the author in no way supports or shares.

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Buffy splashed cooling water onto her face. She let out a small sigh. It felt good. It made her face tingle, and helped the gritty feeling she had in her eyes. She patted some on the back of her neck, and felt relief. It seemed to cool her down a bit.

She looked in the mirror of the women's restroom, her expression neutral. It took her a few seconds to realize she was looking at herself. She looked… scary. Her eyes, a dirty green color, were bloodshot and hard looking. There were dark circles under her eyes, testifying to her lack of sleep. She didn't sleep very well these days. To disguise herself( they were on the run, after all), she'd died her hair a dark red… almost an auburn color. And cut it short, barely reaching beyond her jaw. She'd pierced her ears all the way up, and had half a dozen earrings in each. The years in prison told on her face; along with the scars over the eye and the one lining her jaw, her face had lost it's roundness, being much more angular these days. Unlike the old days, when she tended towards pinks and oranges, her lips were ruby colored…almost blood colored. Like her nails.

Her face wasn't all that had changed. Gone were the light colored pastels she wore. She now favored tight jeans, navy or black in color. She wore either halter tops or a bustier, depending on her mood. She'd 'acquired' a leather jacket, somewhere, that she was never caught without. She wore elbow length widow's gloves, and rings on each finger, all the better to beat the crap out of you with, my dear. She wore heeled boots, always. No sandals, no tennis shoes. Her body, never fat, had gotten a lean, lanky look.

The overall effect was a tough, mean " don't' fuck with me" look. Which seemed to match her attitude these days. It was the new, improved Buffy. The hard assed, take no shit from no one, kick you in the balls Buffy.

She hated it.

But then, she pretty much hated herself, too.

She didn't like how she'd changed. Gone was the Buffy whose heart would reach out to others. Who'd help innocents, protecting them from the bad things in this world, even when it cost her dearly. Gone was the smile that could light up hearts, the laugh that reflected a genuine joy with living. Gone was the innocent young woman who fervently believed in the basic goodness of people, who trusted and was trusted back. Who had friends she could count on, a family she loved. Gone, gone, and gone.

In her place was this…person. This woman who trusted on one, knew that everyone was out to screw you, so screw them first, and make it stick. Who took shit off of no one, but rationed it out freely.  Someone who, when provoked, could easily beat someone to a pulp. She was getting provoked more and more often these days. She smiled rarely; when she did, most of the time it was a tight, hard smile that was heart-chilling. She hardly laughed, and it had a harsh, guttural sound to it. She was like a snake; lean, deadly, and coiled to strike. Looking at the outside, one could never guess what was going on inside her.

She was a mass of conflicts. Her bitterness was tempered by her naturally soft heart. But she couldn't' BE soft hearted, she rationalized to herself. She had to be hard, not get comfortable or sloppy. Her heart was like a raw wound. She was easily hurt, and with the hurt came anger. She almost always felt mad, or angry, or on edge. She was constantly reining in her temper, to keep from getting into trouble. It was like someone else had taken over her body, she was no longer in control.

Prison had been an eye-opening experience for her. She saw first hand how cruel people were to each other. How any show of weakness brought scorn, or punishment. How the stronger picked on the weak, trying to break them. She knew all too well how easy it was to be taken advantage of. She would have been raped, many times over, by the guards and the women if not for her slayer powers. Being pretty and blonde in prison was the equivalent of hanging a sign around your neck saying " Fresh meat". She'd fought back and gotten a reputation of someone not to be fucked with. But she remembered the lesson well… The appearance of weakness could get you dead, quick.

That didn't make her like what she'd become. In her heart, deep and buried for no one to see, she grieved for the 'old' Buffy. The one who loved life, loved people, had an easy off hand manner, and a surprisingly sharp wit. Admittedly, she had been self-involved and often clueless. She'd been selfish at times… but frankly, who wasn't? She'd been awfully prone to tears, and wore her heart on her sleeve. But that was part of who she was. Was. Past tense.

It was like two people lived inside her. One was the current manifestation. One was her former self. Both seemed to struggle with being in charge, making decisions. But the tough Buffy seemed to win most often these days. Maybe it was because of the bitterness and betrayal she felt from those who'd been close to her. But that probably was her own fault.

After 'rescuing' Faith from the tender mercies of the legal system, Buffy knew she had to get out of Sunnydale fast. She'd just reconciled with Will, so she called her explaining what had happened, and that she had to leave. She'd expected Willow to support her, understand what the deal was. After they're meeting in The Bronze, it'd been like old times. She was in for a rude shock.

Willow hadn't understood. She still carried a deep grudge against Faith, and Buffy protecting Faith, and leaving town because of it, really threw her. She couldn't believe that Buffy would put Faith first over their friendship, but she had. Willow had lashed out at Buffy, telling her that she'd changed, for the worse. And that she, Willow, didn't know her anymore. That what she, Buffy, was doing was wrong.  After what Faith had put everyone through, Buffy was shielding her from the justice she, Faith, deserved. It was pretty obvious to Willow where Buffy stood. They couldn't be friends any longer. Not after this.

Buffy felt like she'd been cut off at the knees. Her last friend, real friend, from her former life had told her to get lost, essentially. Willow had always been closer to Buffy than anyone, at least that's the way Buffy had felt. This was like… being stabbed. Willow had a special place in Buffy's heart, always had. But this … Buffy felt nothing but bitterness and anger now. She didn't try to defend what she was doing, she didn't try to reason with her. She just quietly said goodbye. And meant it. It would take an act of God to get her to speak to Willow again. She couldn't forgive her this.

She hadn't been able to face Giles. Through it all, he'd supported her, coming to the prison, trying to keep her spirits up, even when it all seemed pointless. Despite the ration of shit she'd given him about coming, he'd persevered, and she finally admitted she was glad to see him when he came. He'd brought books and treats for her, making her life behind those walls less… painful. Now, she was leaving again, probably forever. It was hard. The hardest thing she'd ever done. But she had to do it. She couldn't just  turn her back and walk away, with no explanation. So, she wrote him a letter. Cowardly? You bet.  But her courage failed her. So, shoot her.

Dearest Giles,

This is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. After all we've been through, and the years we've spent together, I'm having to say goodbye to you. I've left Sunnydale, and I can't see me returning.

I don't know what to tell you. I just can't seem to get back into being the Slayer anymore. I've tried, but it's all like ashes. What I had, what I believed in, has been thrown back in my face. The world's upside down , and I can't find my balance anymore. I tried to put what happened to me behind me. I tried to recall what I was supposed to be, why I was the chosen one. But it just didn't matter anymore. I couldn't get the bitterness out of my heart. Those I was trying to protect, betrayed me. The Watcher's Council, who's supposed to support and protect me, tried to kill me. My friends have turned their backs on me. For me, there's nothing left in Sunnydale. These words, the feelings I have, are harsh and bitter. I wish it were different, but it's not.

You, my dear Giles, have stood by me in it all, and it pains me to have to say goodbye this way. I just didn't have the courage to face you. To see the look I knew I would see. So I took the coward's  route, and wrote this letter, trying to explain why I'm leaving. I hope you'll understand, and not hate me. But, if you don't  understand, I've got to accept that.

They were going to do to Faith what they did to me. I …couldn't let that happen. Not after what I did to her. I couldn't let her rot in prison. It would've killed her. She couldn't cope with being confined. Her life has been crappy enough, more than enough for several lifetimes. So, I had to protect her, Giles. I had to get her away, give her a chance to live a decent life. A free life. I know you probably think I'm thwarting justice, that Faith has to face her crimes, and redeem herself. But she was a kid, Giles. A kid that never had a chance to be accepted or loved. I'm as guilty as anyone in that regards, Giles. I never gave her a chance, and I think that just pushed her past the edge. That's why she went to the Mayor, Giles. Because he accepted her, made her feel loved and wanted. It was false, he was just using her, but she didn't know that.

That's my job now, Giles. I have to make her feel accepted, wanted and loved. I blew my chance before, Giles. I can't do that again. I care about her, Giles, and I need to see her happy. I know you're convinced I'm thinking with my heart, and not my head. You're probably right. But sometimes, if we did that, we might not be so mean to each other. What do you think?

I hate this goodbye stuff, Giles. It sucks. But I couldn't just up and leave without letting you know. Please try to forgive me, if you can. You've been more to me than my watcher. You've been my friend. More, you've been like the father that I wish I had. We've had our bad times, but I can only remember the good stuff. I hope it'll be the same for you. I'm sorry if I hurt you. I didn't mean to.

Best in all you do, Giles. I love you.

Always,

Buffy.

Ps. No matter how you feel about me, I'll always love you --- Buffy

She'd written the letter hastily the first night out from Sunnydale. She'd posted it so that it wouldn't lead to her final destination. No return address was on the envelope. Even if she'd had one, she would have left it blank. She had to disappear, and didn't want Giles to be caught in the middle of it.

As she let the envelope slip into the mail slot, she realized she'd put the final nail in the coffin that was her former life. There was no going back. She'd burned her bridges. She had to face life as it was now. Her new life. With Faith. If Faith would ever forgive her, or have her. She didn't know.

She dried her face, straightening up. She slipped back on the expressionless mask that passed for her face, and walked out of the restroom.

Faith sat at the table, waiting for Buffy to return.

They'd been in L.A. for  4 months, and each day was a new adventure. Buffy was no longer the tight ass, corked up little blonde that had been so stuck up. Little Ms. Goody- Goody had gone on permanent vacation. Buffy was wild, taking risks that sometimes even made Faith stop and pause. Faith had been surprised when Buffy had hot-wired the SUV that they made their getaway form Sunnydale in. But that was just the tip of the iceberg. Buffy had learned a whole new skill set while in prison, and it wasn't about making license plates.

When they blew into L.A, they needed some quick cash. Buffy, leaving Faith in the car, had broken into a liquor store(closed). But instead of using her slayer power to break the lock, she'd picked the lock. Skillfully. Evidently, Buffy had picked up a few pointers here and there while cooling her heels in the prison yard. Better, she'd traced the alarm , and defeated it…so, no nosey cops comin around wondering what the hell she was doin. She managed to find where they stashed the cash, and came away with nearly $500 bucks, along with a few bottles of some really fine liquor. Faith had to admit, the girl had it going on. She'd been impressed.

Later, when Faith recovered the use of her legs, Buffy came up with a neat little scam involving ATM machines and the gullibility and posturing of overfed males. She, Buffy, would dress all frilly and frou-frou. They'd stake out the place, waiting for a rich looking mark. Then, she'd go to the ATM machine, before the sucker showed up, and pretend to be all flustered and helpless. While the mark was busy helping the ' little lady', Faith, masked, would come up behind and stick what the mark thought was a gun(really only a pipe from the local hardware store) in his back. On cue, Buffy would faint away, keeping up the fiction. Faith then forced the mark to withdraw the max cash he could from his account. Afterwards, she'd knock him out, Buffy was up…and they laughed all the way from bank. On a good night, they could do this a few times, sometimes netting close to 1000 bucks. It was sweet, and easy. Buffy seemed to have a real knack for it.

Neither of them forgot they were slayers. They would still go hunting, and often found some vamps to dust. They worked well together; they always had. They were tuned to each other's moved, and it was almost joyful watching them work. And as Faith had said to Buffy back in the Sunnydale days, they got that certain "Ummph" from slaying vamps. Could feel it all the way to their centers. It definitely made for the hungries and hornies. And in a twisted way, they used slaying as a way to excuse their other less honorable activities. After all, they were providing a service to the community. They were protecting the innocent. So, if they ripped off a few rich jerks to finance their activities, it was all to the good. Right?

" But oh, man, when we went dancin, that girl was hot. Once she got that stick outta her ass, she's like on fire on the dance floor. She shook it down with the best. We'd get on that floor, and I could feel the heat rise like 20 degrees in the clubs. She loved to move, you could see it. It was …awesome. And together, we're phenom. And I knew she was attracted to me. I could see it in her eyes, the way she'd touch me sometimes. On the floor it was like…sex. But almost better. She'd get wilder and closer, and I know I was like bubbling over at the end of a dance. I know I was like… attracted…shit, I was fallin' for her"

"Thing was…she never made any moves on me. She…always kept a distance. Ya know what I mean? Like, she respected my space( oh, please stop it, already!). Or maybe I read her wrong, and she just didn't feel the same. But I don't think so. I could feel the heat when she got close. She couldn't hide it, ya know? But she always backed off. Not like I wanted her to. God I wanted her to not back off. I wanted to …god"

" And she was so incredibly tender to me. It's weird…totally weird. Like, when we first got here. She spent hours with me, massaging my legs(oh baby, that so worked me up), helping me exercise them, til they got strong. She was patient… much more than I'd ever be. She always like…cheered me on, helped me push the envelope. And she was…gentle. Like she's afraid I'd break. I know I owe walking to her."

"Thing was, I was still pissed at her for everything, I wanted to kick her ass, just to even the score. When I was back at full, I told her I was gonna do it. Damn, and she got …well, she just stood there. Open. She said like" Go ahead, do it". And stood there. Didn't try to defend herself. Like, she felt she had it comin. Man, she took all the fun out of it. I just …backed off, let it ride. What a rip, huh?"

In public, Buffy would take the lead. She'd take the risks, making sure Faith's part in the activities would be the least dangerous. Except in slaying, where she just let Faith do her thing. But overall, she did her best to keep Faith safe.

In private, it was different. She'd defer to Faith, putting her wishes first. She was always doing things for Faith. Bringing her stuff she knew she liked, sometimes just fussing over her. If Faith got in a funk, or pissed off… she'd just back off, letting Faith alone til she cooled

"Damn, even the sleeping arrangements. First few places we stayed? One bed. Ok, so like…she gives me the bed, and sleeps on the floor. I like offer to share. But she says no. Ok, I think she's wigged by 'sleeping' with another girl, so I promise I'll be like good, no funny stuff. No, she still declines. Like…she doesn't deserve a bed? Is that like… bizarre-o or what?"

So, Faith, sitting there, should be happy, right? I mean, she's got like the best of it. Nearly(we won't talk about the sex thing, will we?). It's all good, right?

So why was she like… feeling out of sorts about it all? Like it's a bad dream. It's all wrong?

" I gotta be the world's dumbest bitch. I mean, I got a sweet deal goin here. B's like taking all the risks, making all the plans. I don't have to do much of anything, and it's all delivered to me on a silver platter. Sweet, right? God, I mean except for the sex thing, she's like the worlds best girlfriend. She doesn't nag, she doesn't try to make me like…different. She just …I dunno, likes me? I so haven't figured out what's in her head. We're getting along better than ever. She's like totally different, and in some ways, I gotta admit, I like different. She's tough, smart, and so sexy to boot. Ok, I'll admit I got major hormones for her. But that's not what's buggin' me. God, I don't even know what's buggin' me"

"Ok, yeah, maybe I do know what's buggin' me. It's not her. Ok? I mean…it's her, but it's not really her. God, that's lame. It's like she's trying to be me, instead of her. Like in some weird way she thinks I'll… like her if she's me. Like she's trying to prove something to me. But she's getting to deep into it. She's changing, and I'm not sure I like all the changes.  She's angry all the time… I mean all the time. Even when she seems quiet, and peaceful, I can feel these waves of anger just below the surface. Sometimes she looks at me, and I see this hardness in her eyes. I can't read her. That kinda scares me. It's like only for a moment or two, then her eyes clear. But those moments… I'm not always feeling safe."

" But I think the worst times are at night. She doesn't think I see her. But I do. She gets up, man I don't know when she sleeps. But she'll sit there, in the dark, just staring off somewhere. Eyes open, she's not sleepin'. She's off somewhere. And sometimes, when it's a bright night, I'll see her eyes get all bright, like she's crying. But no noise, no tears. She just… sits there, staring. Not a sound. It's damn eerie."

"Why the fuck should I worry? I mean, if she wants to be psycho-girl, fine. Do it. Go ahead, be all nuts, right? What's it to me? If she gets too wiggy, I'll bail, right? Fuck, the dreams. God, she …when she does sleep, the dreams. She's moanin', and not in a good way. And she's all movin around and fighting something. Some demon that's got her or somethin'. And sometimes she screams, and wakes up…and I'm like feeling my heart being ripped outta my chest, I'm so fucking scared. For me, for her. Yeah, so I can bail, right? Yeah, sure, like she bailed on me, when I was about to get popped. Yeah, sure, right."

"I need to talk to someone. This aint right. She's goin' over the edge. I just wish I knew what was driving her there. Damn. This is stupid, Faith. Stupid , stupid, really stupid. Why're you still here?  Haven't you learned yet? Don't get in the middle of it. Don't get involved. Get in, get some, get out. Don't wait for the roof to fall in. Run, now! Get up, turn around, and get your ass outta this. If she's on some kinda guilt trip, that's her problem. Not mine!  This aint no fun no more. I don't do drama. Party's over, guests go home. It was fun, babe. But I don't do relationships. It's her own fucking fault, anyway. I wouldn't been there if not for her. I didn't ask for her goddamn help, did I? So fuck off, B. Go psycho somewhere else, on someone else. Faith's strictly lookin' out for number 1".

" Shit! I just can't do it. I just can't walk away. She's got her hooks in me. How'm I gonna turn my back on her? She's the only one that really gave a damn about me. Now I'm just gonna give her the kiss off, without the kiss, even? Damn and damn again. I hate her! I hate her for doin' this to me. Making me give a shit. Not fair, so not fair. I was just fine without this crap. Then she comes along and makes me care. I hate her, I hate her, so much I want to hold her til it's all better. I hate her so much I want to rock her and tell her It's all gonna be alright. It's sick, it's just fucking sick. I don't want to care, I don't WANT TO CARE! I just wanna be left alone, dammit, why won't she let me alone? I hate her" not realizing it, she starts speaking out loud " I HATE HER!"

Faith feels a hand on her shoulder, and a quiet voice says behind her " Whoa, Faith, you ok?" Buffy says

"Huh?" Faith says, blushing just a little. Fuck, did I say that out loud? " Yeah, fine B.  Just bad memories, is all" Faith covers.

Buffy gently rubs her finger behind Faith's ear" It's ok, Faith. It's ok. I'm here. Don't stress it , babe" Buffy gently croons.

Faith leans back, laying her head against Buffy's tummy. Buffy holds her head, and messages her temples.

"It'll be fine, babe. Promise" Buffy says softly.

"What's goin on, Buff?" Faith asks, her voice plaintive." What're we doin? "

Buffy leaned over, laying her head on Faith's shoulder. She half whispers her response.

"We're livin', hon. We're in a bit of a holding pattern, but that'll change. We'll get outta here, and really live. You 'n me, we're gonna have fun"

Faith felt the pulse throb in her neck. She was so close, she felt her breath tickle against her throat. She was breathing shallowly, like she couldn't catch her breath. She turned, and Buffy's face was mere inches from hers. Not thinking, not even knowing why, she leaned in , and lightly kissed Buffy. She felt the warm softness of Buffy's lips on hers, and for a second Buffy responded to her kiss. Faith could almost feel the need pulse off of her. Suddenly, with a little cry, Buffy broke the kiss. She stood up, and backed away. Faith turned, and saw her face. She looked scared. The first time she'd seen her look scared… in she can't remember when.

"B?" Faith called out, but Buffy was backing away faster.

"Uh… uh… I .. I gotta go. Got stuff to do. I'll… see you later, 'k? At the apartment…or something" Buffy says, backing out of the café. Before Faith can move, she's gone.

"Shit" Faith says to herself. She throws some money down on the table, and follows Buffy out. But she's gone, like she never was.

Faith jogs a bit down the street, hoping she'll spot her, but no good. She finally stops, and curses herself.

"Damn, Faith. What'd you do now?".

Hunching her shoulders, she walks into the night.

Buffy started running as soon as she is out the doors

She runs, turning corners, not even bothering to see where she is going. She just knows she has to run. Run fast and far.

"This can't happen. It can't. I can't let it happen" Her panicking mind tells her, as the buildings blur past. Her panic builds as she feels the need build in her. She can't help the feeling, the pleasure and pain she had. The kiss. She kissed me. I kissed her. Why? Damn it all, why? Why did I let myself get so close. Too close. What the hell is wrong with me?

" This can't happen. Can't. I can't let it happen" Buffy says, still running, her mind racing faster than her feet. " If I do, it's all gone to hell. I'll lose her, like I lost everyone else. She'll know…she'll know how rotten I  am inside. She'll see it, and run. Goddamnit what's wrong with me?"

Her heart is beating so fast, her fear so blinding, that she doesn't see the man before it's too late to avoid him. She runs right into him, almost knocking him over. She backs up, and sees she's knocked his packages all over. She kneels and starts to pick them up.

" I'm sorry, so sorry" She says, not looking at the man, concentrating on picking up his stuff. She just wants to finish and go.

" It's ok. Not a problem. Are you ok, Miss?" he asks…then something about the voice clicks. It's familiar…too familiar.

"I'm such an idiot. I didn't hurt you did I?" She asks, looking up. She sees the man looking at her, and she knows him instantly.

"Angel!" She breathes. She starts to get up, dropping the packages. She looks around, hoping to find somewhere to escape to. She can't deal with this now. She sees the street they're on dead ends, so she starts to back away, getting ready to flee.

"Buffy? Buffy! Wait…please, don't run. I want to help you!" Angel calls out. He barely recognizes her , the way she looks now. But the eyes are the same, and the voice is the same. He starts towards her.

But Buffy is scared. She doesn't stop, but backs away.

"Stay away! Please! Don't  get close. Don't you see? Goddammit, I'm no good, I'm nothing. Just let me go, please" She cries, then turns and runs. She's got to get away. This is too much, too damned much right now. She runs off into the night, not looking back.

A confused Angel stands watching her. His first impulse is to follow her, try to stop her. But her voice, her words, told him whatever's going on is too deep right now. He'd only make it worse. He doesn't want to do that. If he approaches her too soon, she'll just bolt again, and she'll be lost. Maybe forever.

Angel had been looking for Buffy ever since Giles called him a few months back. He'd find her, but before he could approach, she'd be gone. It'd been frustrating, but he kept on. She needed help. Giles had told him as much, and after hearing the full story, he believed it. Seeing her tonight, her reaction, just confirmed it.

Something bad was happening in Sunnydale. Someone had worked to get the slayers out of town. It was working to do more. Much more. The slayers, both of them, were needed back there. But in her current condition, Angel wondered if Buffy would be even able to deal with her own life, never mind the bad coming down. The girl he'd seen tonight, if he hadn't heard her voice, seen her eyes, caught her scent… he'd never would have thought it was Buffy. She'd changed, some core thing in her had changed.

He had to get to her, and to Faith. They were needed back in Sunnydale. Something was rising, making itself felt. The slayers, both of them , were needed to stop it. He had to get to them soon, and convince them to come with him.

Or it would be too late.

For them

And for the world.

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To be continued.

 Author's note: Ok, before I get the moans or howls. Angel is here ONLY as a friend. Kind of like with Faith when he helped her with her 'redemption'. So, no romantic conflicts there. Ok? Ok!