How Far, a harry potter fanfic

Disclaimer: Nope, not mine.

A/N: This is going to be the first story that I have ever posted. It's a songfic. If it's not good, please bear with me. I'm going to go on, but I'm not sure how long it's going to be. R/R!

There's a boat, I could sail away
There's the sky, I could catch a plane
There's a train, there's the tracks
I could leave and I could choose to not come back
Oh, never come back…

Remus Lupin sat at a table near the fire in the Gryffindor common room and rested his head in one of his hands, trying to concentrate on the book in front of him. His attention kept being stolen, however, by the black haired, amethyst eyed god that sat a few chairs away from him with a giggling blonde in his lap.

Sirius Black was gorgeous and everyone, including he himself, knew it. He had a smile that could knock anyone off of their feet, and his long blue-black hair called to a person, making them willing to do anything to run their fingers through it. He was definitely a ladies' man, and if he decided to exert himself, he could charm the moss off of the walls. He was on the quidditch team, slept through every class he had ever taken and still managed to get A's, and, in short, was perfect in every way, shape, and form. Or at least he was in Remus' eyes. Most everyone in Hogwarts was in love with Sirius, and Remus was certainly not the exception.

Remus didn't see how someone like Sirius could ever even think about being intimate with another guy, much less a half-blood werewolf. Remus didn't see himself good-looking or out-going. He always had a book with him, and read everything from history to fictional poetry. He was always thinking, and though he did enjoy pulling pranks, he usually didn't offer an opinion unless he had something really good to say. To him, no-one in their right mind would want anything to do with him, much less someone like Sirius Black.

Which was why his poor mind was confused beyond all belief when Sirius had asked to talk to Remus in private at the beginning of this year and as soon as he had him alone, had promptly kissed him. Remus' heart had been fluttering every time Sirius even looked at him for a couple of years now, so to him it seemed to be a dream-come-true. It stayed that way the entire night at Sirius laid next to him in his bed all night with soft kisses and sweet whispers. The next day, however, when Remus walked into breakfast to see Sirius making out with a Ravenclaw girl at the breakfast table, it nearly broke the poor werewolf's heart. It was then that Remus figured out that he had been just another notch in Sirius' belt.

Or so he had thought. That night, Sirius had once again appeared in his bed. As he did the next night, and the next. By day, Remus was just another Marauder, a pal, a buddy. By night, he was the only one Sirius had eyes for, the only one with a place in his heart.

His sixth year Christmas vacation was a month away, and Remus was about to go mad with mixed emotions.

Remus pulled his thoughts back to the present as the girl on Sirius' lap giggled at something he had said and wrapped her arms around his neck, and while Remus' posture didn't change a hair, he couldn't take his eyes away from the couple, and his hand unconsciously closed into a fist under the table. His knuckles were white mingled with red, and it was all he could do to keep himself from slamming his fist down on the table in pain and frustration. Sirius never glanced his direction.

There you are, giving up the fight
Here I am, begging you to try
Talk to me, let me in
But you just put your wall back up again
Oh, when's it gonna end…

James watched the anguish in his friend's eyes, wishing there was something he could do to make the pain go away, and wishing that he could choke Sirius for putting Remus in the position that he was in. It had been obvious since fourth year that Remus was head-over-heels for Sirius. Well, obvious to Lily, since it had been her that had pointed it out to James.

When he had caught them in Remus' bed at the beginning of this year, swapping kisses, he was giddy with relief. He knew that they would be perfect for each other if Sirius could pull his head out of his arse long enough to realize that he needed Remus; he needed Remus to keep him steady, and Remus needed him to help him realize his self-worth.

The morning after that, when he had walked into the Great Hall with Remus for breakfast, and had seen the look in his eyes when he saw Sirius with that Ravenclaw girl, he had wanted to beat Sirius with a board. Remus deserved better than to be treated like that by Sirius. He had talked to Remus about it before, trying to get Remus to open up and realize he didn't deserve to be treated like that, but Remus would always just look at Sirius and say "I know," and go on.

James didn't like Remus like that; he had Lily. He just hated to see someone who had had as much pain in his life as Remus' had had be treated like that by someone that he cared about.

He had been watching Remus, which was why he saw his eyes grow large and him freeze. He looked toward Sirius to see what it was that Remus had seen.

The girl on Sirius' lap was sucking on his neck, uncaring in the least that there were people everywhere, and Sirius had his eyes closed and his hands slipping towards her bottom.

He looked back to Remus in time to see the boy slam his book shut, although in the noise of the common room no-one heard the bang. Remus looked up at James, and his eyes were devoid of emotion completely.

"I'm going to the dorm," he all but growled, and grabbed up his books. Sirius never noticed as Remus stalked from the common room. James and Peter looked at each other blankly, neither having any idea what to do.

Seeing no help coming from that direction, James began to search the chairs in the common room for the auburn red hair of his girlfriend. Instead of finding that, he found two emerald green eyes already watching him.

He shrugged at her helplessly, and she gave him one of those slight smiles that she only gives to him. It called an answering smile from him. Before he could get lost in her eyes though, she gave a sideways nod in the direction of the stairs that Remus had recently disappeared up.

"Me?" he mouthed at her. She simply raised an eyebrow at him and nodded in a way that made him get up and walk half way across the room towards the stairs before he realized what he was doing.

He stopped himself and sighed as he turned back around to see her grinning at him. His heart jumped a little at her smile, but he just shook his head and turned back towards the stairs.

When he got to their room, he eased the door open slowly and stuck just his head around the door, knocking his glasses sideways, trying to find Remus. He spotted him lying on his bed, arm thrown over his eyes, both fists clenched.

He stepped inside, straightening his glasses, and shut the door behind him.

"Go away James," the werewolf said without bothering to look and see who it was. Knowing what Lily would do to him if he did, he took a step closer.

"Talk to me Moony," he said softly. "I want to help."

The werewolf said nothing for a long time. James took a couple of steps closer and when nothing was thrown at him, he relaxed a little.

"Please James, there's nothing you can do. Leave me be," came the answer. James only took two more steps until he was standing beside the bed.

"I can't do that Moony," he said. "Why don't you just take it from the beginning, and let's see what happens."

When Remus didn't say anything, he sat down on the side of the bed. He stared at the werewolf for a few minutes before Remus reluctantly lowered his arm, and looked at James with both pain and unshed tears in his greenish-gold eyes.

"I…I think I love him," he stated hoarsely. James simply blinked and, not knowing what else to do, nodded. Remus must have taken it as a sign to continue, for he kept going.

"I think I've always loved him. I mean, how could I not? All someone has to do is look at him to see how beautiful he is, inside and out." Remus pinched his eyes shut, as if he was trying to block out Sirius' image. Personally, James though that if Sirius was that beautiful on the inside, he wouldn't be putting Remus through this, but he didn't say that.

"I don't know what to do," he continued in a whisper. "I want this to work so bad. I want to be the one he looks at…well…like you look at Lily." James smiled slightly at the thought of Lily, but he still didn't speak.

"I'm sick of this!" Remus continued in a growl. "I hate thinking that him kissing me at night means the morning is going to be different, and then it not being! I hate being his little play toy, his game, his amusement! I can't keep on giving and giving, and him taking and taking!"

Then Remus opened his eyes and looked up into James' blue ones. James was transfixed by the emotions in them.

"I want to walk away…but what if he doesn't come after me? I guess that's I'm most afraid of." Remus shook his head at himself while James mulled everything that Remus had said through.

"Sirius has never had anyone walk away from him before," James said slowly, hoping he was telling him the right thing.

"I think the question wouldn't be if he was going to come after you, but how far he would let you go. If you walked away from him, like you had been using him, instead of letting him use you, he wouldn't let you go too far." James tried to look confident. 'At least I think,' he thought to himself.

"You think?" Remus asked, unconsciously echoing his thought. "Really? You know, that's not a bad idea." James almost sighed in relief to see that Remus was still upset, but that the aching pain that had been in his eyes had been replaced by measuring thoughts.

"I could tell him…that I was tired of him. That from now on he was another friend, another buddy, like you or Peter. That I had lost interest. If I say it right, he'll believe it." Then his face lost the pensive look that had been upon it, and was replaced with one that was full of pain, but had underlying strength and determination this time. James had one of his unusual serious moments and thought about what Remus would have to go through.

"You'll have to be strong Remus. I know you are, but you'll have to prove it to yourself and Sirius both. You'll have to do it tonight. And tomorrow, and tomorrow night, and on and on until he can't think of anything but you. Can you do it? Don't say yes and try if you can't, because it will never work on him again if you don't make it through, and what he's doing now will never stop." James raised a questioning eyebrow.

Remus closed his eyes, looking inside and assessing himself and his feelings. Finally, after what seemed to James to be an eternity of waiting, Remus nodded.

"I can. I will. I'm tired of his little game," he said again. James nodded and smiled.

"Well," James said, "I'll have a talk with him in the morning, kind of imply that he doesn't care about you in the slightest. Maybe it will push him a little."

Remus nodded in agreement, and then sighed a deep sigh.

"I guess it's time to see how far he will let one of his 'catches' go."

How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living the way things are
So I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say how far…

James had went downstairs and let Peter and Lily in on the plan. Peter and he had both been in bed for over an hour now, with Remus standing next to the window so that the stage would be set when Sirius came up. Peter was really snoring, so Remus knew that he was asleep. James didn't snore unless he was sleeping the sleep of the dead, so Remus didn't know if he was asleep or not. He was guessing that he wasn't.

He heard heavy footsteps on the stairs, and with his heart pounding in his chest, and his mouth dry, he raised his arm to rest against the window sill and leaned into the position, staring out the window, as if he had been there for hours.

Sirius stepped into the room, expecting everyone to be in bed, smiling in anticipation of slipping under the covers with Remus and kissing the werewolf senseless.

He stopped in surprise to see Remus standing next to the window. With the way he was standing, his shoulders muscles pulled tight as he rested against the arm on the window sill, the way the moonlight was hitting him, and the snow glistening outside the window, he took Sirius' breath away.

'God, he's beautiful,' he thought to himself. His smile growing, he stripped off his shirt, dropping it to the floor, and crossing the room soundlessly to slip his arms around the werewolf's waist and place a rather unchaste kiss on the side of his neck.

Remus wanted nothing more than to melt into Sirius' arms, and spend all night thanking whatever god was responsible for putting him right where he was. Closing his eyes to stiffen his resolve, he nearly gasped when Sirius' hands slid down and ended up underneath his shirt.

"Sirius," he tried to say firmly, but it came out more like a moan. He shook his head, trying to clear it of the sound of his heart pounding, and tried again.

"Sirius, we need to talk." It came out more firmly this time, but not enough to stop Sirius' administrations.

"About what," Sirius mumbled, the blood pounding in his veins drowning out every thought, and keeping him from noticing that Remus had called him 'Sirius' instead of 'Padfoot'. They only called him Sirius when it was important, but right then he really didn't care.

It was then that Remus did something that was more painful than anything, even the transformations, that was harder than anything that he had ever done in his life.

He turned in Sirius' arms, reached behind him to grasp the smooth hands that made him weak in the knees, looked into those eyes as blue as the ocean, and stepped away from the man he loved.

"Sirius, it's time for this to stop," he said, as if he were commenting on the weather. Sirius looked at him as if he had slapped him.

"Whaaa?" was the only thing that came out of his mouth, with his eyes wide as saucers.

"I said, it's time for this to stop," Remus repeated. He smirked at him, and looked down to examine his fingernails. Inside, he was bleeding.

"It was fun, for a while, but it's time to move on. I know it was nice while it lasted, but our little fling is over." Even as he said it, looking at Sirius as if he was amused, his heart screamed that it was untrue.

Sirius looked at him as if he was crazy. Shaking his head, he gave a hearty laugh.

"Funny Moony, real funny." Sirius stepped close to him, and raised his hand to rest against one of Remus' high cheekbones.

"Come on, Remus, let's go get in bed." He jerked his head sideways and smiled suggestively. His smile faded as Remus just raised an eyebrow.

"You didn't mean what you said," he said, when Remus didn't move, but this time he sounded unsure. Remus wanted more than anything to fall into the man's arms. Instead, he took a deep breath and laughed at him.

"Oh, but I did Padfoot! You have your dolls, your girls. Go stay with one of them at night. We're the Marauders, and that's the way were going to stay. Friends." Remus cocked both eyebrows at him.

"Nothing more than friends," he said, hoping that it came out firmly. Hoping that he had gotten through to Sirius, and that he could go crawl into his four-poster, put a silencing charm on it and cry his eyes out. Unfortunately for Remus, Sirius' smile returned.

"I see. You're jealous. I enjoy my flirting time, and you're upset over it." Sirius smiled with all he had, knowing that in the past, Remus couldn't resist it.

"Yes, Sirius, terribly, terribly jealous. I can barely contain myself," Remus spoke, in a tone that said he was definitely not jealous in any way, shape, or form. His stomach quivered in agony.

Sirius shook his head again and stepped forward, wrapping his arms around the other man and laying his head on his chest. Heart aching, Remus just sighed a bored sigh and turned his head the other way.

There's a chance I could change my mind
But I won't, not till you decide
What you want, what you need
Do you even care if I stay or leave
Oh, what's it gonna be…

"Remus, love, come on…" Sirius spoke in a tone that said he could promise Remus the world as he took a step back to look at the werewolf's face.

'I can't do this,' Remus thought. 'I don't know how I got this far.' He glanced at Sirius' face, smiling that smile. That proved to be a big mistake, as his knees nearly gave out.

Remus just turned away, unable to say anything. Sirius' arms went around his waist again, with Sirius sure in his victory. Before Remus could fall into his arms though, James' voice from earlier echoed back at him.

"Stop Sirius," he said sharply. He tried to will his heart to stop aching. It didn't listen.

"I told you, anything that was between us is over. Stop following me like a love sick puppy." He felt Sirius' arms slip slowly back from around him. Unable to look at him, he turned his head to the side, and closed his eyes. His hands shook as he thought of and said the final barb.

"Go to your bed Sirius. I don't want to find you in mine again." Remus' heart resided somewhere around his feet, with a physical ache in it every time it beat.

How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say how far…

Remus turned back to the window, being careful not to face Sirius, and resumed, with a nonchalance that he did not feel in the least, the position that he had first been in when Sirius came in.

As Sirius sat down and rolled into his bed without a word, Remus felt a silent tear fall down his cheek. He could feel Sirius' eyes on him for a long time before he finally heard him pull the curtains shut.

After that, the rest of the tears that he had been holding in came silently but freely, even though Remus didn't move a muscle.

Finally, after about twenty minutes, the tears slowed down enough that he could see. He risked a quick glance at Sirius' bed to see the curtains closed, and the man himself under the covers facing the other direction.

Taking a deep breath, he turned to see James' head poking out from between the curtains of the bed across from him. James looked at him for a long time before nodding and pulling his head back in.

Remus reached up and scrubbed his cheeks with the heel of his hand before he slipped of his shirt and crawled into his own bed. It felt overwhelmingly lonely without Sirius in it.

Laying there, he put a silencing charm on the bed, hoping that he spoke the incantation low enough that James and Sirius couldn't hear it. Then, finally, the racking, soul-wrenching sobs started, and he couldn't have stopped them to save his life.

Out of this chair, or just across the room
Halfway down the block or halfway to the moon…

Sirius stared at the wall, trying to figure out his conflicting emotions. He had heard when Remus crawled into bed, and he had wanted to get up and say something to him, anything, to get him to take back what he had said, but he couldn't find the words.

In his entire life, he had never had anyone tell him that they didn't want him. Ever. And if a girl had done it, he didn't know if it would have mattered as much. But this was Remus that had said it. He cared about Remus. More than anyone else? He wasn't sure. He had thought that he could have Remus AND all the girls. He thought that he could have the girls during the day time, and that because Remus was so laid back, he wouldn't care. He figured that he could have Remus at night, and that since the girls weren't there to know about it, they wouldn't care.

Apparently, there was a flaw somewhere in his logic.

He had never pictured himself as being gay, and in a way, he wasn't. The only male that he was attracted to was Remus. He was just now beginning to realize that he was more attracted to him than he had ever been to anyone else in his life. But was that because he truly cared about him, or because Remus was the first person to resist him?

Sirius bit his lip in vexation.

His thoughts went in circles for the rest of that night, until the sun lit the sky the next morning. When Remus got up and headed to the shower, Sirius' thoughts picked up frantically, trying to figure out something to say, anything, to make Remus melt into his arms again.

But he was laying there, still trying to think of something, when Remus came back from the shower, fully dressed, and left the dorm. He continued to lay there as James and Peter also got up and began to get ready. He didn't even notice when Peter slipped on some cover that had slipped onto the floor and fell onto his face. He didn't notice much of anything. The only thing that he could think of was the way Remus looked standing at the window last night. The only thing that he could hear was Remus' voice…

"Go to your bed Sirius. I don't want to find you in mine again."

The more he thought about not being able to hold Remus, the more it hurt. And he continued on that path until James, with an evil grin on his face, brought his wand out and muttered an incantation that brought, what felt like to Sirius, half of the lake down on him.

"Bloody hell James," Sirius cried, all thoughts of Remus forgotten for the moment, as he leapt out of his bed, dripping wet.

"What was that for?" he asked, with a shocked expression on his face. James just smiled innocently.

"It's time to go. Pete and Remmie are already down stairs! If you want to eat breakfast, which we both know you do, you won't have time for a shower. So I thought that I'd help you out and get you up and give you a shower all in one!" Sirius' glower darkened.

"Well, are you going to get dressed, or do I have to do that for you too?" James asked cheekily, still grinning, as Sirius muttered the spell to dry himself and the bed off.

Rolling his eyes as James' grin grew, Sirius turned towards his dresser, mumbling to himself under his breath. Sirius was halfway through getting his shirt on when James grabbed his attention.

"He meant it you know," James said softly. Sirius turned to look at him, his head halfway through his shirt, looking like a turtle because you could only see his eyes.

"Mmph?" was all James got out of the reply.

"Remus. He meant what he said. Don't think that he's playing hard to get, or something equally stupid along that line." Sirius finally got his shirt on and glared at James.

"What the hell would you know about it?" he demanded angrily. James gave him a disgusted look.

"Stop thinking with the hair on your chest, man. The only thing wrong with you is your wounded pride. It was a fling, fun for a little while, and there's no point in getting all worked up over it." James gave him a pointed look.

"No!" Sirius proclaimed. "It's not like that! It wasn't like that! It might have been at the beginning, the first night, but now it's not. At least, I don't think it is. I really care about him…I think." He had trailed off into a contemplative whisper.

"Then why the hell do you keep making out in public with girls?!" James exclaimed. Sirius simply shrugged.

"Is Remus not good enough for you?" he asked in an almost dangerous tone.

"That's just it!" Sirius replied, jumping on the statement as if it were a lifeline.

"He's good enough for me, personally, but not my reputation! I have standards to live up too! I have girls all over Hogwarts lined up to get me to look at them! I know he's a Marauder, but they don't think that he is in the same class as me!" Sirius threw his hands up in a 'what am I supposed to do' gesture.

"It's my fault if the rest of Hogwarts doesn't want to see him with me?" Sirius looked at James, whose mouth was hanging open. Thinking he had finally gotten James to see the light, he sighed in relief.

James blew up on him.

"I CANNOT believe you!! You are more self-centered than I had ever dreamed possible! Your reputation means more to you than anything!! He has been one of the best friends that you have ever had, and all you can think is that some Hufflepuff might think that he isn't as good-looking as you, or that some Ravenclaw might think that he's not as smart as you, or that some Slytherin might think that HIS BLOOD ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH!!!" His hands shaking, he took deep breaths, trying to calm himself. Then he remembered the plan, and nearly ruined the whole thing by the expression on his face as he did some quick back-peddling, trying to think if he had let anything slip. He nearly sighed in relief when he realized that he could fix anything that Sirius might think with what he was going to say next.

"Well, I guess it's a damn good thing that he doesn't care about you, isn't it? If you would rather be seen with some blonde who has nothing between her ears but air, I really doubt that he cares!" James shook his head, practically dripping disgust.

"I can't believe that I actually thought that there was a good person in you who would rather have the someone for herself instead of the title that came with them." James turned and stormed towards the door before slamming it hard enough to rattle the hinges.

How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say…

Remus stood outside the door with a pained expression upon his face as James slammed it behind him. James saw Remus and grimaced, grabbing the werewolf's arm as he pulled him down the stairs. Pushing him into a chair, James sat down beside him, trying to assess the situation. He saw Peter across the room, playing wizard's chess with a seventh year, and gave him a pointed look. Peter sighed and nodded.

"How much did you hear," James asked Remus, as he drew his eyes from Peter to the boy next to him, hoping he would say that he didn't hear anything.

"Everything," Remus whispered. He dropped his head into his hands. James wiped a hand across his face and wished with all his might that it was Lily that was doing this instead of him.

"You can't expect things to happen over-night, Remmie. Give it some time. Act like you don't have a care in the world, and that everything is pink bunnies and fluff. It'll drive dumb-dumb up there insane." James smiled at his own feeble joke, hoping to get a smile out of Remus. Remus' mouth quirked, but James didn't think that it would be counted as a smile.

"Thank you James," Remus whispered to him.

"You've been better to me than I deserve." James' heart tightened in guilt for all of the times that Remus had needed him and he hadn't been there, and now Remus was thanking him for something that was just the right thing to do.

James started to reply, but heavy footsteps interrupted him.

"Come on," James whispered urgently.

"There's not a thing wrong in the world," he said convincingly, his eyes wide. Remus looked at him and nodded, and plastered a grin on his face. Peter muttered a forfeit and an apology to the seventh year he had been playing chess with, and jumped up and ran over to them, just as James started laughing as if someone had said something incredibly funny. They all made it just in time.

"Hey guys," Sirius greeted them, his eyes lingering on Remus.

"Hey," Remus smiled back, before picking up his bag and putting it across his shoulder before slinging his arms around James and Peter.

"Are we ready for another wonderful day?" he asked in a sarcastic tone, winking at Sirius as the trio began to walk towards the door, with him trailing behind. James just rolled his eyes and Peter shuddered.

"Oh yes, Double Potions with Slytherin today, who wouldn't enjoy it?" Peter said dryly, his lips puckered in a frown.

"Come on, let's go have some fun!" Remus said in a happy tone that he didn't feel in the least, hoping, in a rather Slytherin sort of way, that it twisted the barb a little deeper. Hoping that Sirius was feeling a small measure of what Remus had been feeling.

Yeah I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say…

Sirius stared after the three, his eyes locked on Remus. Suddenly, the way Remus moved, the way his robes stretched across his shoulders, the way his hair fell into his eyes, it all seemed incredibly intriguing. Sirius wanted to watch him all day, listen to the way he laughed, smell the smell of Remus that he only smelled when covered by Remus' bed sheets. See his eyes crinkle in a smile as he read something that he found particularly funny in one of his many books.

Sirius couldn't stop thinking about Remus. He didn't even think that he wanted too.

How far…