Greetings once again. Now, don't get the wrong idea. I NEVER update this fast on normal fictions. What this is, is a pleasant little diversion from the more heavy-hitting stuff I usually write. Therefore, updates are completely random. You're just lucky I had two chapters ready! Anyway, here ya go.
I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. At all. I don't even have any cards. I really suck. Pity me.
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For I Am Pharaoh------------------------------------
The Next Chapter That Nobody Asked For But You're Getting It Anyway
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*CLUNKBANGSCREEEEEEEECHCRUNCH*
That is the sound made when a 5000-year-old spirit bent on world domination decides to park a huge jet plane in the middle of a country road.
*SMASHSHATTERWOAHAIIIEEETHUNK*
Those are the sounds made when assorted people, bowls and chairs are all hurled into the front of the plane after a rough landing.
*YOUDUMBASSI'MGONNAKILLYOU*
That is the sound of Seto Kaiba yelling at Yami and thumping his fist into Ryou, who is clinging onto his legs.
Yugi managed to flop over from his position on his back and stared around in confusion. As near as he could tell, his partner had managed to land the plane upside down AND on an angle. Amazing what a lack of techno-knowhow can result in.
Suddenly the door he was sitting on opened, and he fell down with a shriek into the "cockpit". Not that it looked much like a cockpit anymore. Seems that Yami also managed to careen into a brick wall headfirst. Smart lad.
"What are you doing? Exit this steel contraption now!" Yugi stared at Yami, standing calmly on the control panel as though he hadn't just performed an incredible feat of near-destruction.
"You're nuts," Yugi sighed, and jumped out the broken window nearby. Yami just went 'hmpf' and walked straight through the wall. He's a spirit, yanno. He can do kooky stuff like that.
Once he got there, he looked around at all the assorted people who had also broken out of the plane. Quite a few looked like they'd had nasty bumps on the head (well duh) and Ryou was looking pitiable a few steps away from everyone else. Kaiba was holding him at bay with a large pointy stick. Yami clapped his hands and addressed his servants.
"Right! I assume there are no problems?"
"Well, I've got a pretty fatal-looking inju-"
"Splendid! No problems!"
"But I said-"
"Our next course of action is to head to the centre of this establishment." Everyone looked apprehensive. Tea came forward a bit.
"Um, what for?" she asked. Yami sighed, and started talking in a tone meant for the exceptionally stupid.
"We are going to get some weapons. You know what weapons are?"
"Of course I know what weapons are!" Tea shouted, insulted.
"I was just making sure, Tea, because you are not the sharpest tool in the shed."
"What! How dare you!"
"Easy there. Count to ten, that's it . . ."
"You arrogant, pompous-"
"I think I'm bleeding to death," someone said, but was drowned out by Tea.
"- dried-up old mummy!"
"Name calling is not the way to get what you want, dear."
"AARGH!" With that, Tea snatched Kaiba's pointy stick away from him ("Hey, that's MINE! No, Ryou, stay back!") and attacked Yami's head. Unfortunately, her blow landed on his hair, which we all know is rock solid, and the stick snapped in two. He laughed like a winner, and smacked her.
"Naughty naughty. You should not attack your exulted leader." Tea fumed, and stomped back over to Tristan and proceeded to bitch to him about 'arrogant pansy-assed pharaohs with a mid-millenium-life crisis'. "In any case, I have landed at a strategic point on this landmass, and we will now proceed to our destination."
He turned around and started walking. "Pssh, 'strategic landing point' my ass," grumbled Kaiba, picking up Ryou by the leg and throwing him into some bushes nearby. Everyone mumbled their agreements, and walked dispiritedly behind their all-mighty leader.
A few minutes later Ryou came running up behind them with a birds' nest in his hair, but nobody cared.
So they walked. And walked. And walked. And walked. And . . . perhaps you wonder why I'm not getting to the point. Well, I'm trying to THINK of a point so until then . . . they walked. And walked. And walked (not getting anything). And walked. And walked. And walked (perhaps . . .). And walked. And then Yugi fell into a pothole (whoo, progress!). Pulled him out, and kept walking.
50,000 words later, they upgraded from dirt roads to asphalt. At this point, Yami was still marching along like a soldier, whereas Kaiba was carrying a sleeping Mokuba, Yugi was hopping along on one leg after screwing the other one in that pothole, and Tea was dragging Tristan along by the collar for some reason. Joey and Ryou were having a spirited argument over who was prettier: Legolas or Captain Jack Sparrow. Try and guess who was rooting for whom.
ANYWAY. Eventually they made it into a city of some description. Yugi looked around in confusion.
"It's so dark here. Where are the streetlights?"
"Maybe they haven't invented them here yet, wherever this is," Joey mused.
"You mean we're in some off-the-wall third-world country? Like Ethiopia, or Afghanistan, or New Zealand?" asked Tea.
"Dunno," said Yugi. "It's possible. Never once saw a streetlight in Lord of the Rings." As they got closer to the buildings, they saw that they were . . . pretty smashed up. In fact, only one in ten were standing.
"Christ, this place looks like a bomb hit it," Kaiba said, poking Mokuba awake and putting him down. Yugi ran up and tugged at his sleeve frantically.
"Are you sure? Maybe this IS New Zealand and it's actually Sauron's doing! Oooh gawd, he could be around any corner!" he yelled, looking around like he expected the flaming eyeball himself to appear.
"If this is New Zealand, I won't be convinced until I see Legolas," Ryou said, and then looked around like he expected the blonde-haired elf himself to appear.
"Would you lot be quiet. This is not Middle-Earth," Yami spat, scowling at them from the dark. "We are nowhere near New Zealand, and I hate to inform you, but neither Sauron or Legolas actually exist. If they did, I would have enlisted their help rather than you useless bunch of . . ." Yami trailed off muttering as he continued on his Pharaohish way. Yugi looked relieved, and Ryou disappointed. Aw.
"Anyway, something definitely happened here," Kaiba mused. He tapped his boot on a building and promptly disappeared as the whole thing fell on top of his head.
"No kidding," said Mokuba as he dug his brother out with a shovel. "I wonder what."
"MINIONS!" came the grating call of their fearless leader. "OVER HERE!"
"I swear, these better be some kick-ass weapons or I'll be writing that bastard a strongly worded letter," grumbled Joey as they made their way over. Yami was standing impatiently in front of another building. Yugi saw, as they came closer, that it looked an awful lot like . . .
"A nightclub?" he wondered aloud, staring at the 'YOU MUST BE 15% DRUNK TO ENTER' sign.
"Do not be fooled, for this place holds the key to our world domination plan," Yami said, yanking on the doors but failing to open them.
"Since when is it OUR world domination plan?" Joey sniped, and was suddenly smacked upside the head by the Pharaoh.
"Silence, peon. And open these doors. The leader should not have to partake in manual labour." Rubbing his head, Joey went up and started kicking the heavy wooden doors.
"Partake – in – manual – labour – ha!" he panted on each kick. "Just – doesn't – want – to – break – his – wussy – nailWOAH!" The doors suddenly fell open and Joey teetered over and fell face first onto them. Yami, paying no heed to the blonde, walked right over his back and into the bar. Tristan and Yugi pulled Joey back up, but he seemed to be unconscious so they just left him next to the vending machine. Before they passed, Kaiba belted the machine and picked up a Coke (not Diet of course, because he's not 'the Diet Coke of evil').
They passed through the doors and came upon what used to be the dancefloor and main room. There was absolutely no one around, and there were broken pieces of wall all over the place. The ceiling was also missing, along with half the back wall. But, most horrifying, the disco ball was broken.
"Talk about Saturday Night Fever," said Tea in shock, poking a '10 Sexy XXX Songs To Tie Up Your Slash Buddy To' CD case. Yami however was gazing around the room looking for something. There was a scuffle, and his eyes fixed onto a drink bar in the corner.
"Come out, I know you are there!" he shouted, scaring the wits out of everyone ("Damn it, you made me spill my Coke!"). Yugi gave his partner a look that clearly said Are-you-nuts-that-could-be-a-terrorist-or-Sauron, but he paid no attention. "Out," he yelled again. "I have a use for you."
"All righ', all righ', stop yellin'," came a voice from behind the bar. A scruffy white head appeared above the tabletop and leered at them. "It's rude to wake people when they're sleeping, yanno . . ."
"Is that you, Bakura?" Ryou asked in surprise. The yami gave them a tipsy grin and saluted.
"Aye, captain." Ryou looked distinctly embarrassed.
"You said you were going home after 11pm. That was 5 weeks ago."
"Awr, well, yanno, time gets away from ya when you're havin' fun, Ryou," he said, spinning over to lie on his back on the table and grinning at them upside down. "Ya aren't gonna ground me, are ya?" Ryou went red.
"Well maybe I will!" Bakura switched to sitting cross-legged and pouted.
"Aw, Ryou, tha's mean . . ."
"Excuse me," Yami butted in, striding forward a bit. "I hate to interrupt the family feud, but I came here for a reason. Bakura, I have decided to claim my rulership over this world. Despite the aid from these . . . helpers . . . I require more than that. I have reason to believe that you know the whereabouts of a great stash of weaponry . . . are you even LISTENING to me?"
Bakura was swaying back and forth with a stupid grin on his face, going "Lalalalalala . . . whee . . ." Yami twitched.
"BAKURA!" He stopped swaying and stared at the pharaoh. "Pay attention."
"Uhhh . . why?"
"Because I SAID SO!" Bakura blinked and poked a finger into his ear.
"Tha's not a very good reason."
"Gaah!" Yami howled in frustration, and started towards the yami. "Now you listen here, you half-witted fool . . ." Yugi noticed that Ryou suddenly looked rather frightened. "I am ordering you to do as I say . . ."
"Uh, Yami . . ." Ryou started, but was cut off.
". . . And what I say goes! I do not care who you think you are . . ." Ryou was really getting distressed now.
"Yami, I really don't think you should be . . ."
". . . But as far as I'm concerned you are MY servant. So stop acting like a brat," he said, pushing his finger against Bakura's chest, "and obey – my – orders!"
Transfixed, Yugi heard Ryou hiss, and they all (minus Yami and Bakura) turned to see him frantically gesturing for them to run like mad to the far end of the room. Rather than find out what would happen next, they all bolted behind overturned tables and pieces of debris.
Joey dived over a fallen boom box and turned around in time to see Bakura stand up, clearly much taller than Yami. He reached up and grabbed hold of Yami's hand, and even from there he could hear the bones cracking.
"I," Bakura slurred dangerously, "don' take orders from jerkfaces like you."
A terrific blast of wind and light exploded, blinding them and making the ground shake. A grinding shriek could be heard, and crashes around the room. It lasted for about five minutes, at least, before it died out just as suddenly as it had appeared. Everything was dead quiet. Joey heard a cough from somewhere beneath him, and a groan of 'Now I can't even find my Coke . . .'
It took him a while to figure out just where exactly he was. It appeared that he'd been blown back some 20 metres and had landed on top of Kaiba, with the boom box on top of him. He opened his eyes and also found he was upside down. "Ugh, geez, what the flaming hell was that?" he muttered. "I'm guessing our fearless leader got turned down," came Kaiba's voice again. "Now if you don't mind Wheeler . . . you're crushing my head." Joey heaved the sound equipment off himself, then rolled over onto the dust-blanketed floor next to Kaiba.
"This sucks," he moaned.
"For once I'd have to agree with you. Mokuba, where are you?" Kaiba called out. The response was something along the lines of 'Hanging from a tree', but it was hard to tell. Standing up, Joey caught sight of the others. Tea was trying in vain to pull Tristan out of the wall he'd been blown halfway through, and Yugi was throwing sticks up into a tree, trying to dislodge Mokuba.
"Where's Ryou?" Joey asked. There was a scream and a thump, followed by another scream.
"Sorry Yugi," said Mokuba, getting up off Yugi's chest. Yugi tried to say something but couldn't. The kid's taller than him for god's sake, he could have died just now. Give him a break. He dusted himself off and removed the palm frond from his hair. "I saw him over there."
"Let's go find him them. And maybe Bakura. You coming Kaiba?" Joey shouted, then blinked. Awfully OOC, no? Well shut up, it's late.
"Just a moment . . . HELL YES!" Kaiba straightened up and struck a pose. "Found my Coke can!"
So they all mosied back over to the centre of the . . . uh . . . well, where the building used to be. Sure as heck isn't there now. Along the way, they found Ryou sitting in the middle of a pile of rubble looking pretty damn confused. "I just lived through nuclear war," he said vaguely. Tristan replied with "You're an idiot," and they kept going, Ryou in tow.
When they got to the . . . you know, the place . . . they found it was smashed. Thoroughly. Standing in the middle was Bakura, rocking back and forth on his heels and singing some very strange song about chicken bones. He saw them and waved, which tipped his balance and he fell over, laughing the whole time. Everyone stared at him.
"Your yami is a weird-ass, Ryou," Mokuba said.
"Least he isn't a weird-ass trying to take over the world," Ryou countered, nudging Yugi like he'd just made a hilarious joke. Yugi however had regained his 'woe is me' look and wasn't paying attention. He went over to Bakura, still giggling, and pulled him up.
"Heeheehee, tha' happens a lot around heeyah," he said, waving his hand around at the blown up buildings. "Funneh thing is, always seems ta happen after I've had some drinks . . . weird eh?"
"Very," Yugi muttered. "At least we know what happened to the city. Uh, I was wondering Bakura. Where'd Yami go?"
"Oohwhooo, I know tha' one!" Bakura swerved over to a pile of broken cement bricks, and thrust his arm down into them. When he pulled his arm back out, he flung a very dirty Yami onto the broken disco ball. "Heeey, I did it, what do I win?"
"A week of detox," said Ryou, taking Bakura by the hand so he couldn't run away or fall over again. To everyone's amusement, Bakura started rubbing his head up and down Ryou's arm like a cat, still giggling.
"So, what now?" Yugi asked, staring around the demolished city. "Can't stay here, that's for sure."
"What about those supposed weapons?" Kaiba said, checking his Coke can for scratches.
"Wait a minute," Tea piped up. "Yami's like, dead or something, so why can't we just go home?" Everyone thought about that for a minute and agreed that was a good idea. However, after Tea took one step to the left –
****YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE YUGIOH FANFICTION LAW 12-J3. ONCE A STORY IS BEGUN, NOBODY MAY DEVIATE FROM THE PLOTLINE INTENDED BY THE RIGHTEOUS AUTHOR, UNDER PAIN OF DEATH BY DERANGED FERRETS****
"Aw man," Tristan sighed. "That means we have to keep going on this retarded mission.
****THAT'S RIGHT BUB****
"Damn it!" Joey said, and kicked the unconscious Yami in the head.
"I suppose we still need to find the weapons then. Yami said something about Bakura knowing where they were . . ." Yugi trailed off and looked at Bakura, swinging Ryou's arm around. "How long exactly will he stay drunk for?" Ryou had a long-suffering look on his face.
"Exactly 3 weeks." Everyone groaned. "Hey, you think that's bad, his hangovers last for thousands of years. Why do you think he's always pissed off about something?" Bakura didn't say anything in his defence, just patted Ryou rather roughly on the head whilst telling him he was a 'good kitty'.
"We'll have to go back to the plane then," Mokuba said dejectedly. They all prepared to go.
"Uhhhhgh . . . what the . . ." Yami twitched and started to get up. "What in Ra's name . . . oh, I remember . . . Bakura, you fuc-" Before he could finish his sentence, Kaiba winged the Coke can at his head and knocked him out again. SCORE!
Tristan and Joey sighed and picked their wondrous leader up, banging his head on three slabs of concrete in the process. They all started to walk back to the plane, in the hopes that it would be magically fixed when they got there.
Kaiba lingered for a bit to retrieve his Coke can. He picked it up, and held it in a highly honourable manner. "This Coke can impresses me greatly. I shall keep it with me always. And it's name shall be Bob." With that, Kaiba and Bob went to catch up with the others.
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*Clapclap* Much fun. Like I said, the next chapter is floating in space somewhere and I have no clue when it'll appear. BUT MAYBE REVIEWS WILL HELP! *Snaps fingers* Onto it!
- Vappa