Oh wow, I am loved! *Is loved* Thank you all for the reviews. I don't get why my humour fics seem to attract the most attention, but oh well. Such is life! But, seeing as you all like my super-retardo-story so much, it shall continue!
Joey: Hello, I'm butting in for no apparent reason, just like I'm talking to the author in real life!
Why exactly are you doing that?
Joey: Well, everyone else does it, so why not you?
I . . . do not know! Carry on then Wheeler!
Joey: OKAY! Uh . . . *whisper* what exactly is the point of this segment?
*Whisper* You tell me, YOU'RE the one who started it X(
Joey: asdkqoweinq324598nvxkajsdk11!!11!
Oh yeah, THAT made sense -.-; Just read the disclaimer like so many other authors force you to do.
Joey: A'ight. AHEM. *Brings out megaphone* THIS – STORY – IS – FICTION – AND – YUGIOH – DOES – NOT – BELONG – TO – VAPPA – SO – STOP – THINKING – THAT – BITCHES – HI – MOM!
That'll do. On to the stuff people actually want to read.
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For I Am Pharaoh
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Chapter Of Nonsense
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"Dooo didoo didoo didaaaaa dididididiDAAAAAAAAAA!"
"For christ's sake, someone shut Bakura up!" Joey whined.
"Deedlee deedlee dooooooo . . ."
"I'd like to see you try it, Joey," Ryou muttered from his place next to the Sensational Singing (and Drunk) Bakura. "You'd end up like dear old Yami." Everyone turned to look at the aforementioned Pharaoh, being carried by Joey and generally looking like someone had gotten a huge truck and run over him repeatedly. It's not entirely impossible.
"At least he doesn't have to listen to it," Joey grumbled, then his eyes lit up. "Wait a moment! He can listen to it!"
"How's that?" Tristan asked.
"This is how!" Joey proclaimed, and proceeded to drop Yami smack on his head. "Aw man, he didn't wake up." The blonde picked Yami up by the ankle and looked at him in irritation.
"Try it again," said Tristan. So Joey did. Five times. Smack up smack up smack up smack up smack up-
"STUPID THING'S BROKEN!" Joey howled, finally tossing Yami over his shoulder and sulking over his failure. "Well, I'm not going any further without a break." And with that, Joey flopped down on the ground and started playing his Gameboy. Everyone else followed suit.
Yugi kicked out a foot at Yami, lying in a very strange position that involved twisted limbs, a piece of concrete and a pineapple. Nearby, Bakura pirouetted around a gloomy Ryou, before dropping his arm around the boy and proclaiming "I love you" and falling asleep. And . . .
You know what? I have no idea what I'm doing with this story. It has no plot at all, except some vague idea about a duel with the President of the USA at the end. And I can't even get there without writing the bloody middle of the story, can I?! NO, I CAN'T! So what do you want from me, huh? Some brilliantly funny yet lucid chapter that somehow involves the cast of Yu-Gi-Oh, and that pineapple I mentioned earlier? Do you realize how hard that is? I mean, just LOOK at the crap on this website; if that's any indication of the quality of most humour fics, then I-
"Excuse me."
Oh what do you want, Kaiba?
"Have you finished bitching yet? This concrete is cold."
I suppose you want me to force you back up then.
"If it's not too much trouble."
Sigh . . . okay, I guess I'll just wing this and make it up as we go along then. But you aren't allowed to blame me for any horrible accidents that you fall victim to.
"Agreed." With that, Kaiba got to his feet, pulled Mokuba up with him and set off down the road once more. Joey looked up in surprise before bounding after him, dragging Yami by the ankle and being none too careful about banging his head along the ground.
"Kaiba, where the hellya going?"
"We're leaving," the CEO said, turning to glare at Joey. "Unless you prefer sitting in the middle of Jamaica with our fabulous leader and a drunken lunatic, I suggest you come along." Three minutes later, when Joey couldn't think of any good reason not to follow Kaiba's advice, he followed, along with the rest of the group.
* INSERT LONG, BORING RANT ABOUT THEIR JOURNEY BACK TO THE PLANE HERE. IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'D CARE TO HEAR ABOUT IT, NOTHING HAPPENED. WELL, BAKURA PLAYED WITH SOME SQUIRRELS FOR A BIT BUT THAT ONLY LASTED 3 SECONDS. ANYWAY. *
Eventually, they arrived back at the plane. They all stared at it (except Bakura, who was talking to the squirrel on his shoulder). Tea finally spoke up.
"Wasn't that . . . wrecked . . . last time we saw it?" For what they were looking at was a brand spanking new plane, without a scratch on it! Tada!
"The wonders of fanfiction," muttered Kaiba under his breath.
"What did you say, big brother?" chirped Mokuba. Kaiba waved his hand as if brushing off a fly.
"Oh nothing. Let's get aboard." Unfortunately, before they could even take one step, something happened. Something so horrible, so unspeakable, so incredibly utterly AWFUL that they were stopped in their tracks instantaneously by its very occurrence.
Yami woke up.
"I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON!" shouted the Pharaoh, yanking his foot out of Joey hand and standing up, looking rather like a very annoyed peacock, if you get my drift. Silence met his words, followed by a cough from the audience. Yami bristled with anger and pointed wildly at everyone. "I must know what happened, for I am Pharaoh, and you will do as I say!" Ryou squeaked and hid behind Kaiba, who tried to beat him off, but didn't succeed.
"Well, you see-" started Tristan.
"IT WAS MUTINY THEN WAS IT?!" Yami shouted, leveling half the trees and grass with the sheer volume of his voice. "WHO LED THE MUTINY?!"
"Uh, Yami, there was no-" Yugi tried to put in, but was promptly ignored by the enraged (and apparently nuts) Yami who stormed up to Bakura.
"It was YOU, wasn't it? It had to be! Only a vile creature of darkness such as yourself could have led my followers to revolt against their Pharaoh!" Bakura blinked at Yami, and squinted.
"There's a vein going bonkers on ya head . . ." Yami grabbed Bakura by the shirt collar and shook him like a can of Coke.
"Didyoumakethemmutinyagainstme?!" he yelled out in one very long word.
"We aren't mutinying, Yami," Yugi groaned, and pulled the deranged spirit off Bakura. "If you'd just open you eyes and look, you'll find we're back at your plane, ready to um . . . command and conquer . . . or something." Looking from his partner to the plane, to his partner again and then to Bakura (who was telling the squirrel in no uncertain terms just how low the price of toilet paper should be), Yami seemed to calm down.
"All right, Yugi, I believe you. But as for the rest of you heathen scoundrels," Yami proclaimed, making a sweeping gesture across the quite bored individuals in question, "you had better not mutiny against me, for I am Pharaoh, and I have powers you cannot possibly comprehend."
Those incomprehensible powers, however, did not extend to opening the door of the plane. Everyone watched as Yami shouted "DOOR OPEN!" again and again, only to be ignored by the door. Yugi muttered something about watching too many sci-fi movies for his own good before walking up and turning the handle.
~*~
"Okay, now listen up!" boomed the loudspeakers at a slightly less ear-breaking volume than before, thanks to Kaiba's tampering with the wires. "We are embarking on mission two of my world domination scheme: Find The Weapons. For this task, I will require Bakura to remain conscious. This is why he has been strapped to the wing of the plane."
Tristan looked out the small window to see Bakura roped down to the wing, flapping his arms and screaming "SUPERMAN! SUPERMAN! Ahahaheeehee!" He shrugged, and turned back to his knitting magazine.
"In case of Bakura falling asleep, Ryou will be on hand with a six-pack of Heineken, for we cannot allow Bakura to stop being drunk." There was a dim yell of "Look at my hand! It has fingers!" from outside which they all ignored. "And now, I will begin the runway – WHAT IS IT RYOU?!"
For the third time in this fiction, Ryou was waving his arm around in the air. How exactly Yami knows when he does that is a mystery. "Yami! I thought I should tell you, about the weapons that Bakura hid that is."
A pause, and then "Yes? What about them?"
"Well, uh, Bakura hid them where he thought no one would ever find them . . . promise you won't get mad?"
"IF YOU DO NOT HURRY UP . . ."
"Eeep, well uh-uh-uh, he, uh, um . . ."
"SPIT IT OUT!"
"He hid them on the Hubble telescope!" Ryou blurted out, much to the amazement of all. Joey gave the white-haired boy an exasperated look.
"You're kidding? On the Hubble-freaking-telescope?" Giving him a surprised look, Ryou slapped his head and laughed sheepishly.
"Oh sorry, I was thinking of the Harry Potter books he hid. He hid the weapons you're looking for on the Death Star."
Silence. Crickets. Another cough from the audience. More crickets.
"I am not reassured," came Kaiba's voice from the other side of the plane.
"The Death Star isn't real, Ryou!" Tea cried, though she didn't look convinced herself.
"Well that's what it says here!" Ryou cried, pointing at a piece of paper marked 'Bakura's List of Stashed Weapons, Magic and Etc.' He sniffed a couple of times. "You don't believe me, do you?"
"Oh, I didn't mean . . ." Tea started, only too aware of what that watery look in his eyes meant.
"Yes you did! You don't believe me!" With that, Ryou started sobbing and bolted across the plane to Kaiba.
"Oh shit," Kaiba managed to get out before he was tackled to the ground and nearly had his chest crushed from Ryou's hug. Paying no attention to the wild yelling and crying coming from their direction, Joey looked at the list that Ryou had let fall to the ground.
"Let's see here," he said, scanning the list. "Assassins, ouija boards, wands, MOABs, the Canadian army, sneaky sneaky ninjas, the Batmobile, plank with a nail in it, plank with two nails in it, grenade launchers, pointy sticks, copies of the Spice Girls movie . . . aha! Weapons That Yami Wants. Say, he got it wrong," Joey said in relief. "It was the Spice Girls DVDs on the Death Star. Weapons That Yami Wants are hidden in Duelist Kingdom."
"To Duelist Kingdom!" roared the speakers, and the plane lurched backwards, running into a cow. "Ow, damn it, forwards you stupid vessel!" Groaning and straining, the plane managed to go forwards this time, and took off into the Jamaican sky.
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Yay, I did something. And it made no sense! So all's well in my world. It was completely random this chapter. Half of it was done a month ago, and half today. That might mean there's a problem with continuity . . . oh what the hell am I talking about, the whole thing is one giant problem with continuity. AND NOBODY CARES! So ha to you, Continuity Police!
. . . Oh shiz, the Continuity Police have pepper spray! *Runs like hell*
- Vappa