Hello again! Nice to have you with me. Today I'm going to attempt to start AND finish a chapter within 2 hours? Can this be done, I hear you ask? Well we're going to find out, aren't we? Thankfully, I've gotten myself a new muse. His name is BADOR. He's a Winged Dragon of Ra model kit that I bought at Kmart for $22.95, who sits on my table next to my dueling deck and my sunglasses. For today, he's sitting on the table next to me, kind of snarling in my general direction. He could tear my arm off if he wanted. Seriously. He's got these big-ass pointy claws . . .
In any case, he will be giving me inspiration! That is, when he isn't eating my sister's Pikachu figurines. Mwahaha.
BADOR would like to inform you that YuGiOh does not belong to Vappa. So pay attention. Because BADOR stands for "Bad-Ass Dragon Of Ra" and you don't wanna get on his bad side. Trust me.
TO SOME SELECT REVIEWERS!
Riskygamble: I don't know if Joey will be tied up again. Perhaps, but not by Kaiba. He's had his fun, let someone else have a go.
Joeyz girl: Every story needs some LotR. It's like the spice of life!
PsychoSisters: A rabid monkey hm? We shall see . . right now, the characters are all pretty rabid themselves. And Tea likes to keep her gun hidden where no one will ever see it . . . in her shoe.
Towairaito Zoon: Yami, a protagonist? I laugh at the idea XD. He was NEVER a protagonist in this story.
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For I Am Pharaoh------------------------------------
And Now For Something Completely Different
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Everyone watched in anticipation, as Yami advanced on Mou Hitori no Yuugi. The two walked straight up to each other, both giving off their trademark 'I'm a bad-ass mofo so watch out!' smirks. They came within striking distance of each other. And stopped. And glared. Slowly, Yami reached into his pocket. Mou Hitori no Yuugi watched him do so, expecting the moment when this absurd imposter drew out his dueling deck. However, that is not what happened.
Yami extracted a white glove from his pocket. He returned his piercing gaze to Mou Hitori no Yuugi. "Sir, you have offended me greatly," he stated loudly. Raising his hand, holding the glove, he declared, "I challenge you to a duel!" And slapped the glove across Mou Hitori no Yuugi's face.
On the Japanese side of the room, everyone gasped in shock and confusion. Just what was this strange alter-Mou Hitori no Yuugi doing?
On the English side, everyone just sighed. That was Yami for you. Being an utter retard at a whim.
To everyone's surprise, Mou Hitori no Yuugi grinned savagely. "I accept your challenge," he announced. And then, he took out a black glove from his pants and whapped Yami's cheek with it. "Pistols at dawn?"
"Actually, I was thinking fist fight, right now," admitted Yami. Mou Hitori no Yuugi shrugged.
"Sounds good to me." With that, he launched himself at Yami.
THE DUEL WAS ON.
"Come on Other Yuugi, you can do it!" shouted the Japanese version of Tea from her side of the field. "Do it for our love and friendship!" Tea scowled at her.
"Who are you to talk about love and friendship? I am the motivational speaker around here."
"Oh yeah?!" cried the other Tea. "Well I, Mazaki Anzu, have been motivating people since before you were dubbed, little girl."
"You bitch!" shrieked Tea, and she jumped over the furious Yami/Mou Hitori no Yuugi struggle and charged at Anzu. The two girls began slapping, pulling hair and tearing clothes, shrieking like a pair of kittens all the while.
Unnoticed in the middle of the floor was the original battle of Good Versus . . . uh . . . Slightly Better. Yami slammed Mou Hitori no Yuugi's head into the ground, but was thrown off unexpectedly when the Japanese spirit twisted around and used both feet to kick him off. Flying across the room, Yami crashed into the wall. As he dropped to the floor, he righted himself and landed on all fours. Mou Hitori no Yuugi came running at him. The would-be world leader was ready. Just as Mou Hitori no Yuugi came close enough to kick him Yami grabbed his foot in midair and wrenched it around. Mou Hitori no Yuugi spun awkwardly and landed on his back, hard. Then Yami was on top of him, trying furiously to stab him with the Millenium Puzzle.
On the other side of the room, another fight had started. Joey had mistakenly claimed that he was far better looking than his Japanese counterpart. Jounouchi took this rather . . . seriously . . . and proceeded to punch Joey in the face. "Who's pretty now, jackass?" Jounouchi shouted, stomping on Joey's stomach with his foot.
"I'll tell ya who," yelled Joey. He leapt up suddenly and delivered a nasty kick to the nether regions of Jounouchi. "Me!" he shouted in victory as Jounouchi howled, falling over instantly.
"That was low, man!" Jounouchi said in a strangled voice, squirming on the ground.
"You bet your sweet ass it was low!" The two blondes engaged in a flurry of punches and kicks, periodically landing shots to the nether regions. Because those two fight dirty, no matter what language they speak.
Bakura glared at Yami no Bakura. "You think your shadow powers are greater than mine?" he asked in a sinister voice. Yami no Bakura shook his head, sending his wild hair flying.
"No, I know they are greater." Clenching his fists hard enough to crack knuckles, Bakura bared his teeth.
"Prooooove it," he hissed. Before Yami no Bakura could have a chance to react, Bakura concentrated shadow energy into his body and blasted a powerful wave at his counterpart. Yami no Bakura was no slouch, and shielded the attack with shadow energy of his own. They began to hurl shadow forms at each other, attempting to outdo their opposite with greater and greater power. Shadow swords, bombs, antelope, vodka bottles, model kits, computer monitors, bowling pins, dictionaries, boomboxes and Jerry Springers flew back and forth across the room, clashing against each other and spiraling off into the other people fighting in the room.
Honda, having a brutal battle with Tristan, was suddenly hit by a shadow Jerry Springer. The two brunettes toppled over. "Thanks for being with us today, and I hope you can resolve your issues," said the shadow Jerry Springer. Glaring at him, then at each other, Tristan and Honda both slammed the shadow Jerry Springer through the wall before continuing their own fight.
Screaming a savage war cry, Mou Hitori no Yuugi hurled Yami through the air by his arm. Yami flailed desperately but could do nothing as he fell back to earth. Right on top of Joey. "Aaaargh!" Yami shouted as he whammed into Joey's back, knocking the taller boy to the ground. Joey, seething with anger, hauled Yami up by the neck. "You f**ker of a Pharaoh!" he shouted, shaking the demented spirit. He noticed Jounouchi standing to his left, watching.
"One moment please," he said to Jounouchi, who nodded. Joey then drew back his fist and hit Yami right back over to Mou Hitori no Yuugi, who caught him and proceeded to use him as a battering ram against the solid brick wall.
"Oh dear," squeaked Ryou, watching the carnage all around him. "Ohdearohdearohdearohdear – EEK!" He had to dodge as Tea shot past, followed by an enraged Anzu. "Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear . . ." he started rambling again, too horrified to do anything. Suddenly he saw a hideous shadow lawn mower screaming towards him at an incredible pace. He would have surely been killed if not for the pair of arms that yanked him out of the path of the dark grass-killing machine. "OhdearohdearohdearohdearohDEARGOD!" he wailed, sobbing into Japanese Bakura's shirt. Japanese Bakura just gave him a strange look.
"You certainly are a wimpy one," he stated, pulling the hysterical Ryou out of the way of another flying person, who might have been Jounouchi but was going too fast to tell.
The two Kaibas watched from their position leaning against the door. As they watched, Mou Hitori no Yuugi was flung into the chandelier above.
"Well," said Japanese Kaiba, keeping a firm grip on his brother's shoulder. "This is very interesting."
The chandelier fell from the ceiling, bringing a screaming Mou Hitori no Yuugi down with it on top of Yami. There was an explosion of glass shards. English Kaiba pulled his own Mokuba out of the way of a particularly large chunk, which actually looked like a piece of Yami's hair.
"Very interesting indeed," he replied.
"Do they act like this where you come from?"
"Unfortunately, yes." Kaiba glanced at the Japanese version of himself. "I assume you were also forced to join them under unavoidable and ridiculous circumstances?"
"Mmm," Japanese Kaiba nodded, smirking at the sight of Joey strangling Honda with one of Yuugi's belt straps. "However, you must admit it's entertaining."
"Very much so."
"Niisama?" Japanese Mokuba spoke up, tugging at his brothers' sleeve. "Have they all gone crazy?"
"You know, I think they were crazy to begin with," said English Mokuba, staring at Anzu's attempts to bash English Bakura's head in with a shoe.
"Yes," agreed both Kaibas. A sobbing Ryou was dragged past with Japanese Bakura, attempting to get out of the way of the two fighting Pharaohs who had commandeered the use of some rather large swords.
THE DUEL RAGED ON.
~*~
"Oh, this is wrong, this is all wrong," moaned Yuugi, wandering around the empty corridors of the castle. He had left the insanity of the room unnoticed, having no duplicate of his own to contend with. He felt bad about leaving his friends, but so consumed were they with beating their English doubles that they were frightening to be around. It had certainly been unexpected to find them there. But, strangely enough, he had been the only one without a copy of himself. He thought that was probably a good thing; he had read about doppleganger syndrome, whereupon seeing an exact double of yourself both were compelled to destroy the other. Still . . . it made him feel left out.
Yuugi sat down heavily on the stairs he had been climbing. Sighing, he gazed out the window. It wasn't very interesting though: apparently the stage crew had forgotten to put up the backdrop, so all he could see was a bunch of teamsters drinking coffee and fooling around with a prop-Millenium Rod.
"Having a bad day?" came a voice from behind him. Turning, he looked up and saw . . . himself. His double walked down the couple of steps separating them and sat next to him.
"Y-yeah," Yuugi stammered in surprise, staring blatantly at the other Yuugi.
"Hm, me too," he said, pushing some hair out of his face.
"Are you . . . are you from the English version?"
"Yeah, I am. Yugi Moto, nice to meet you." Yuugi shook hands with Yugi, grateful to finally meet his double.
"Mutou Yuugi," he introduced himself. "You weren't with the others when I saw them." Yugi sighed.
"I think I must have fallen out of the plane we got here on . . . it crashed, you know. I only got here a few minutes ago. I took one look at what was happening in that room and left."
"Smart move. I did too after they started trying to kill each other." They were silent for a few minutes. Yugi then suddenly pounded the floor with his fist.
"It's all Yami's fault! Mister 'I'm a big shot Pharaoh who's gonna own the world' doesn't know when to quit!" Yuugi looked at him with pity.
"He seems really bad in your universe. I mean, Mou Hitori no Boku is kinda bad, he kills people and everything . . . but he doesn't want to take over the world."
"I know, it's not fair."
"I blame bad scripting, you know? Some of the absurd stuff these writers come up with, for no reason at all."
"That makes sense. I mean, I got forgotten for a whole chapter, and only got a throw-away line to pretend that they hadn't forgotten about me until that moment."
"That's so not-cool."
"You're telling me," huffed Yugi. "And I have some serious concerns about these supposed weapons of Bakura's we're meant to find." He blinked at looked at Yuugi. "So what are you guys here for?"
Flushing a bit, Yuugi averted his gaze to the ceiling to avoid looking at Yugi. "Well um . . . we were brought here by a . . . um . . . a yaoi writer."
Yugi stared.
"What's yaoi?"
"It's . . . it's um . . . well, it's not pleasant. I'll just say that it involved a massive plot to involve everyone with each other. But, anyway," he changed the subject quickly, lest Yugi figure out what he was implying. "How d'you think we're going to stop them fighting?"
"I have no idea. I was sort of thinking of just letting them kill each other . . . but I still like most of my friends, and you deserve to get yours back."
"Well," Yuugi mused, rubbing his chin in thought. "There is one thing we could use."
"Really, like what?"
"It's a big thing. It can only be used once, and they only give you one per adventure, so usually you should save it as long as humanly possible. But I think this is a serious enough situation for it." Yugi was all ears . . . not literally, you freaks. Get your minds out of the side-show.
"What is it?"
"It's the Fantastic Fanfiction Plothole Device."
"Sounds cool."
Yuugi nodded enthusiastically. "Oh, it is! The Fantastic Fanfiction Plothole Device is really awesome. It can take any situation and just end it, miraculously! Like nothing ever happened."
"But . . . wouldn't that be kind of weird? To end something without properly resolving it?"
"That's the beauty of the Fantastic Fanfiction Plothole Device. Nobody notices it. It's as easy as cutting a piece of paper in half."
"Oh that's awesome! So does every character get one?"
"Yeah, but very few of them can use it. It's very rare in canon characters, but more common in originals. It's practically an epidemic in Mary-Sues though. But hey, I figured out a while ago that I have one. You should too." Yugi looked doubtful.
"How do I know if I have one?"
"Just check your pocket."
Yugi dipped his hand into his pocket and began rummaging around. His fingers happened upon something that definitely hadn't been there before. He pulled it out in wonder. For all intents and purposes, it looked like a miniature figurine of John Edwards.
"The faker psychic guy?" he asked, poking the figurine.
"Yup," Yuugi answered. "He's the master of vague explanations. Now, to use it, just go back into the room and shout 'I BID THEE UNDONE, HORRIBLE SCENARIO!' and throw the Fantastic Fantiction Plothole Device on the ground. Then everything will be good again. Or, at least, back to the way it was before the fight."
"Thank you so much," Yugi said happily, standing up. Yuugi got up with him and gave him a quick hug.
"I hope it works out for you."
"Me too. Good luck with your yaoi thing, whatever it is!" Yugi ran off down the hall, leaving Yuugi alone again.
"Yes . . . the yaoi thing . . ." he sighed. "Better get back to Pegasus' bedroom then. He'll be missing his heart-print boxers."
~*~
THE DUEL WAS STILL RAGING ON LIKE A BIG RAGING THING.
Yugi just watched in shame as Yami continued throttling Mou Hitori no Yuugi. He walked out into the center of the room, ignoring Bakura and Yami no Bakura. They had apparently given up on shadow magic a while ago and had settled for biting each other. Japanese Bakura was trying in vain to pull his yami off the other's arm. Ryou just sobbed nearby. The only sane ones in the room, the four Kaiba brothers, were hiding in the left corner from the twin wraths of Jounouchi and Joey, who had gotten their hands on some flamethrowers. They didn't have very good aim. Beating his arm out when it caught fire accidentally, Yugi reached the center of the catastrophe.
"Here goes nothing," he muttered, then raised the Fantastic Fanfiction Plothole Device high above his head. "I BID THEE UNDONE," he shouted loudly, drowning out the shrieks of Tea and Anzu, "HORRIBLE SCENARIO!" The tiny John Edwards said "I think I'm getting something . . . yes . . . you want this to end, don't you?" With that prompt, Yugi hurled the figurine into the ground as hard as he could.
The John Edwards . . . ah, Fantastic Fanfiction Plothole Device . . . exploded in a huge cloud of glittering smoke, quickly engulfing the whole room. There were cries of confusion, and then . . .
. . . Joey handed him a can of Diet Coke. "Just don't let Kaiba see you drinking that. He'll go mental on your ass."
Yugi blinked in surprise and looked around. They were back in the plane. The plane was in one piece. They were flying through the air. He sighed in relief and sank back into the chair. Finally, some semi-normality. Opening the Diet Coke, he glanced up warily at Joey.
"Do you, uh . . do you remember anything from a few minutes ago?" Joey blinked in confusion.
"'Bout what? I remember Kaiba nearly had a shit-fit over me trying to drink a regular Coke, and tried to beat me to death with his can. I think my head's dented from that still," he winced. Yugi smiled, tipping his head back to drink the carbonated water. Good, they don't remember. I'm so glad. "But right before that, I was so kicking that Jounouchi's ass." Joey didn't notice Yugi start choking as he went on. "Man, if I'd had just one more minute I would have totally owned him. He sucked, compared to the wonder of Joey Wheeler, ahaha!"
"As I recall, Joey, you were having the shit kicked out of you when Yugi saved us," came Tristan's voice from the other side of the plane. "He had you totally beat, dude."
"Hey shut up!" cried Joey, stalking over to Tristan. "You weren't doing so hot yourself! That Honda guy kept beating you up with the portrait of Pegasus."
"You were all terrible fighters," Kaiba snorted from the seats behind Yugi. "Couldn't fight your way out of a paper bag."
"I didn't see you kicking anyone's ass, smart guy," Joey said hotly.
"That's because, unlike you, my counterpart and I are civilized beings." Finally over his coughing fit, Yugi dazedly got up to toss his empty can in the bin. As he went, he spotted Ryou sitting next to Bakura.
"You certainly were good at that shadow magic," Ryou said softly, pushing back Bakura's hair to wrap a bandage around his head.
"Of course I was," Bakura growled. "I was superior to that fraud in every way."
"D'you want antiseptic for that?" Bakura looked at where Ryou was pointing, and grimaced at the very deep teeth marks embedded in his arm.
"No."
"ATTENTION," screamed Yami over the loudspeakers. Everyone clapped their hands over their ears. "DUE TO CIRCUMSTANCES, WE WILL NOT BE RETRIEVING THE WEAPONS FROM DUELLIST KINGDOM. I HAVE CHOSEN A NEW DESTINATION."
"Where now?" asked Yugi despondently, resigned to his fate . . . again.
"THAT INFORMATION IS ON A NEED-TO-KNOW BASIS, AND YOU DO NOT NEED TO KNOW." There was a loud click and the speakers fell silent.
"He doesn't even know what that means, you know," Yugi said to Kaiba as he sat down. "He just saw it on TV and decided to use the term."
"I'm not surprised."
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Haha! One hour and 47 minutes later, and I'm done! That's a record. BADOR, you're a kickass muse :D. *Hugs BADOR* Ow, hell, pointy wings.
Thankies to everyone who keeps reviewing! You make me smile ^__^. Next up, I might do a Christmas chapter. That might be cool, yeah? I'll do it anyway, even if you all say no. Because I'm just an arrogant bitch like that XD.
Till next time!
- Vappa