My GOD I'm excited about 'Return of the King'! SO – FREAKING –EXCITED! Living in Australia ain't all sunshine and daisies, y'know . . . we get movies late here. So, I have to wait until the 26th of December for all my shibby Aragorn goodness. Why me, lord? What'd I do to deserve this?
*Listens to the wind* Oh yeah . . . the fanfic. I understand. I shall pass the time till his King-ness reaches our shores by writing part 3 of the Christmas phase of 'For I Am Pharaoh'. "No victory without sacrifice" and all that cool stuff. Ahaha.
Verily it is so, that the works of Yu-Gi-Oh, belong to me not.
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For I Am Pharaoh------------------------------------
And A Happy New Year . . . . . . . . . CHAPTER HA!
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"I command you to stop blowing into my face!" howled the Pharaoh at the snow. The snow was so completely terrified of him that it continued smacking into his face and collecting in his hair. Enraged, Yami swiped madly at his head. He succeeded in whacking himself in the nose, but not in dislodging the white flakes.
"Ra curse this miserable pole!" he shouted at no one in particular. Storming off through the wide empty land, Yami was only getting more and more annoyed. I swear, the man has no limit to how pissed off he can get. It had taken him a considerable amount of time and effort to escape from his frozen prison, and he had needed to tunnel at least 500 metres through the snow to finally emerge from underground. He had been walking for hours, and he had not found a single thing, nor a single person. Anyone he saw, however, he was quite prepared to obliterate for invading his personal space . . . which was three miles wide by three miles long, so anyone close enough to be seen was definitely invading his personal space.
Usually, he'd be annoyed by having someone in his personal space. Today was special though. He was on a world-conquering mission, and anyone who showed up at this point would be most welcome. If it were one of his soldiers, he would rein them in and order them to march. If it were Bakura, he'd scream a war cry and kick him in the face. If it were Santa, then all hell would break loose, and then some.
Yet, nobody appeared.
"This is intolerable," Yami muttered to no one, still stomping along like a one-man marching band to the beat of his own drum. "I am a great Pharaoh! But what is the point of that rank if nobody is around to look at me? I need people to command! I need things to control! I need . . . I need . . ." He paused, thinking. "I need new pants."
His mind made up, Yami continued going north (he thought), much happier than before. "Yes, new pants! Pants worthy of a Pharaoh such as myself! Onward!"
~*~
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"
"YUGI, I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!" Yugi shot a look over his shoulder in terror, watching the enraged Tea rapidly gaining on him. He forced himself to run faster, practically flying over the hardened snow. He was beginning to regret his brilliant piggy-back plan.
As he tore across the frozen tundra (I'm finally figuring out some other words for 'snow') he listened to the swiftly approaching footsteps in dismay. His heightened sense of proximity tingled (well, okay, he heard the keyring on Tea's belt jingle) and he knew that she'd be right on top of him within the second. Shrieking again he swerved sideways just as Tea launched herself at him.
"Can't we just forgive and forget?!" he yelled, pausing for a moment and looking back. Tea, who had slammed face-first into the ground when she tried to tackle Yugi, reemerged from the snow with the glint of Hades in her eyes. "Eep!" squeaked Yugi and he bolted again.
Yugi was getting just a wee bit tired, having been on the run for the last hour, but he sure as hell wasn't about to stop to catch a breath. Last time he'd tried that, it had taken all his power to throw Tea off when she'd clamped onto him with her teeth. No, he was quite fine running like f**k for the moment. However, he did think that he'd like to find somewhere to stop . . . and possibly slam a door in the psycho woman's face.
Chancing another look behind him, Yugi saw that Tea wasn't going to give up and go home. Angry, hormonal females who have just been perved on such as herself have terrific stamina. Another thing caught his eye though, to the left of Tea. As he watched, he saw Joey and then Tristan come tearing around a snow dune and continue running like mad in the same direction he was.
"Hey guys!" Yugi shouted over their loud, obnoxious screaming. Joey spotted Yugi and then tugged Tristan's shoulder. They changed course slightly and came running up alongside him. Still going at the breakneck speed of 80 kilometres per hour, they hailed each other. Yes, hailed. You heard me. "So what's up?" Yugi panted. Tristan said nothing, and indeed looked like a frightened deer that'd just wandered into a deer-hunting zone. Joey, however, pointed wildly back in the direction he'd come.
"Lawyers! Lawyers, Yugi, lawyers! Didn't I warn you?!" he yelled at Tristan. "Didn't I warn you about those lawyers?!" Tristan just wailed and tried to keep up. "What about you?" Joey asked Yugi.
"Tea!" he moaned. Joey and Tristan looked horrified, and cast glances behind them.
"Woah dude!" hollered Tristan, snapping out of his lawyer-fear for a second. "Where'd she get that chainsaw?"
"She has a WHAT?!" shrieked Yugi like a girl. There was a burst of angry teenage girl laughter from behind him and the unmistakable roar of a chainsaw. "Oh shit!" he cried, and ran faster.
Suddenly, they heard another cry behind them. "Come back here! You haven't pleaded your case before the tribunal yet!" Tristan paled and started yammering like a scared puppy. Sure enough, a black-suited KaibaCorp. lawyer was gaining on them from behind, along with Tea.
"I thought we'd lost him in that bottomless pit!" Joey said in disbelief, spurring himself into faster strides. "This is all your fault, Tristan!"
"IknowIknowIknowIknow1know," Tristan sobbed. The trio continued running, apparently not getting anywhere. "Maybe, maybe lawyers are like vampires, and when the sun comes up they'll explode and stuff!" Tristan suggested aloud, having obviously seen too many episodes of Buffy.
"This is the North Pole. Night lasts for six months around here." Yugi, Joey and Tristan turned in surprise to see Kaiba sprinting alongside them, with Mokuba close behind.
"What are you doing here?" yelled Joey. Mokuba jerked his thumb over his shoulder.
"Paparazzi. Persistent bastards they are."
"Besides," Kaiba said, "aren't we all going to the same place anyway?" They all remembered the deal with Santa Claus and Yami then.
"Oh yeah," Joey cried, almost tripping on a snow cone in his surprise. "I forgot all about that, what with everything." Kaiba frowned, then looked over his shoulder.
"Who are you running from?"
"Eh, Tristan called me a dog, and then he didn't believe me when I said your lawyers would come, so he did it again, and then one of your lawyers came outta nowhere and we nearly died." Tristan just sobbed a little. Kaiba looked at him in disbelief.
"What are you, insane? Those are lawyers!" His voice dropped to a lower pitch. "They have powers."
"I knooooooow!" Tristan wailed. "Can't you call him off? He's YOUR lawyer."
"Not on your life. Even I'm scared of my lawyers. I tried to fire one of them once, and I swear to God his eyes glowed."
"YUGI!" screamed Tea from behind, causing them all to jump a little and run faster. "You won't get away from me! Out of my way, lawyer-man!" There were a few sounds of pushing and shoving, and a scream of 'PHYSICAL ABUSE!'. A large burst of light exploded from behind them, and Tea screamed in terror. Suddenly, she was running right next to them, sobbing her eyes out. "His eyes glowed! They glowed, it was so scary!"
"Hey, you can't run up here with us, you were chasing me!" cried Yugi, attempting to trip her.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I forgive you Yugi, just let me stay with you guys! I don't want to be alone with that lawyer and his powers."
"Okay!" Yugi cheered happily. His chance would come another day. A thunderous boom from behind him brought his mind back to the present. "How the hell are we going to outrun this guy?"
"He ain't natural!" Joey put in helpfully.
"There is only one way to defeat a lawyer," Kaiba said slowly, catching Mokuba by the hand as he tripped and hauling him along for a few yards. They looked expectantly at him. "Sadly, I don't have Elle Woods with me, so we are screwed."
"I don't want to hear that defeatist attitude!" shouted Joey, dodging around Tristan to grab Kaiba by the collar. It was a very awkward position to hold whilst running from a hell-spawned lawyer. "I want you to stay positive, Kaiba, you hear me?"
"Fine! We are screwed!" Kaiba yelled happily, waving his arms around to exaggerate just how blindingly happy he was.
"That's better!"
"Look, up ahead!" Tea cried, pointing. Looking forward, they saw what she was talking about. Rapidly approaching out of the gloom and snowstorm was a house.
"All together, ram it!" Yugi shouted, as they got closer. They all put on a last burst of speed and crashed into the door as one. There was a loud series of cracks as the door exploded inwards, and they all fell inwards on top of each other. Regaining his senses faster than the others, Yugi struggled to his feet and made to shut the door. He cried out in despair when he turned to face it.
"Yugi, what's wrong?" asked Joey, disentangling himself from Tristan. Yugi pointed shakily at the door . . . or what was left of it. The force of their entry had all but annihilated the wooden doors, leaving them in shards and tatters in the frame. There wasn't anything left to shut.
"Can I stop being positive now?" came Kaiba's voice. Suddenly, there was the sound of running footsteps from beyond the threshold of the entrance. They all shrieked in terror as the lawyer appeared before them. Briefcase in hand, and eyes glowing, he advanced upon the door until he was just outside the frame.
"There will be no settlement on this issue," he hissed evilly. Tristan whimpered but was frozen in place. The lawyer took another step forward and they all braced themselves for his attack.
*BANG!*
"AAAIIIIIGAAAAH, HE GOT ME!" howled Tristan, falling to the ground.
"Oh God, Tristan, no!" cried Joey. He dropped down next to his friend and quickly checked him all over. "Hey, wait a minute . . . he isn't dead." Indeed, there was nothing wrong with him at all, except he was unconscious.
"But . . . but then . . ." Yugi stammered. He whirled around to see the lawyer, lying face down on the floor, with a large smoking hole right through his chest. Behind him stood Bakura, BB gun in hand.
"Sissies," Bakura scoffed, shoving the gun back into his pants. Ryou poked his head around the doorframe and looked in at them.
"Wow, you sure shot him good!" he exclaimed, staring at the lawyer in awe. Bakura studied his nails and went 'hmpf' in a manner that clearly said 'I-am-the-greatest-man-alive'.
"That's impossible," said Kaiba in disbelief, coming over to the lawyer and poking him in the head to make sure he was dead. "Lawyers can't be killed by mortal weapons, let alone a BB gun."
"Are you insulting my gun?" asked Bakura malevolently.
"I'm just saying they aren't exactly the most lethal of weapons. Surely a single BB bullet wouldn't kill a lawyer." Wordlessly, Bakura slid the gun out of his pants again and cracked open the barrel. He showed the inside to everyone.
"Is that a mini firework?" Mokuba asked in surprise.
"Yes," answered Bakura proudly. "Dr. Filibuster's brand. Never fails to blow a hole in everything."
"Well then, what happened to Tristan?"
"Simple. He's a sissy and faints at loud noises."
"Oh."
"Okay then," Joey said, standing up and kicking Tristan, jolting him awake.
"Augh! Hey, is this heaven?" he said, looking all around him.
"Yes Tristan, this is heaven," Tea sniped. "And I'm God."
***PLEASE IGNORE THE BLASPHEMOUS STATEMENT ABOVE. THE AUTHORESS HAS BEEN EXECUTED FOR HER HERESY AND A NEW, IDENTICAL FEMBOT HAS TAKEN HER PLACE. THE FEMBOT WILL NEVER REFER TO TEA AS THE LORD***
"Uh, guys?" Everyone turned to Yugi as his voice broke in. "Take a look at where we are." As it turned out, they had crashed in upon the very place they had been trying to find: Santa's workshop. All around them was a large wooden barn, decorated with festive greens and reds. Streamers and bells hung from the roof above the numerous tables scattered throughout the wide space. The tables were covered with tools and bits of paper. Right in the centre stood a huge pine tree, adorned with silver and blue ornaments, and crowned with a five-pointed star.
"Oooh, I've been dreaming of this since I was a little girl!" squealed Tea, dancing up to the tree and poking all the pretty shiny bits.
"She's been dreaming of a barn used for slave labour?" wondered Tristan. Yugi glared at him.
"Don't be stupid. The elves work here under their own free will."
"But there aren't any elves," put in Joey. He went over to the staircase on the left side of the room and scaled it to the balcony. "Nobody here at all."
"No one at all?" exclaimed Yugi, bouncing onto one of the tables and looking around. Kaiba strode up to him, and was amused to find that Yugi was now the same height.
"Enjoying the weather up here, Yugi?"
"No. The wind just got a lot more arrogant."
"So what'll we do then?" Ryou asked mournfully, poking at a power drill and accidentally starting it up. He shrieked as the crazy piece of equipment starting boring a hole through his sweater.
"Simple," said Bakura as he karate chopped the cord off the power drill, bringing it to a halt. "We wait for the Pharaoh to return. And then . . ." He paused, and glanced at the drill in his hand. "And then I use this contraption on his head," he concluded, holding up the drill. Ryou looked nauseated by the very idea.
"But you'll get blood and Yami-brains all over your clothes." Bakura sighed dramatically.
"I am willing to defile my clothes if I get to drill a hole through his head."
"Getting back to the fact that no one's here," Yugi said. "Maybe they're just finished making all the presents and stuff. Maybe Santa already left. Yami can't get to him in the air."
"He has a plane, Yugi," muttered Kaiba. "Planes move faster than sleighs, last time I checked."
"Unless it's like that sleigh in 'The Santa Clause'," Mokuba chirped, picking various decorations off the walls and shoving them in his pockets. "That sleigh was rocket powered, and it had a CD player, and a hot chocolate maker, and all sorts of cool technical stuff."
"Mokuba, how many time have I told you, the logistics and restricted amount of space in such a vehicle wouldn't be able to cope with the power and heat of the necessary rocket power needed to keep it in the air, not to mention the problems involved in steering and-"
"You're no fun, big brother."
"Yeah, come on Kaiba," Joey drawled, vaulting over the railing and dropping back down to ground level. "Where's your Christmas spirit." Kaiba narrowed his eyes.
"I don't have any."
"You want some of mine then? I have about half left." Joey pulled a can labelled 'CHRISTMAS SPIRIT' out of his pocket and held it out to the CEO. Kaiba wrinkled his nose in disgust.
"What does it taste like, taffy?" he sneered, eyeing the gaily-coloured can suspiciously.
"Eh, more like sugar and mint."
"Disgusting," muttered Kaiba, gingerly taking the can from Joey and holding it like it might infect him with some horrible disease.
"I found some food!" came Tristan's happy voice from the corner. Going over, they saw that Tristan had found a large refrigerator, stocked with every kind of Christmas food known to man, and even some known only to Jedi Masters and Wookies.
"Least we won't starve," Yugi said, pointing out the stupidly obvious as he pulled out a plate of shortbread Christmas trees. "I suppose we play the waiting game then."
"Aw man, I hate that game," whined Joey through a mouthful of gingerbread.
"Would you rather play another game, with me?" Bakura offered, stopping his grab for the mince pies and giving Joey a sinister look.
"Um . . . no. The waiting game is fine."
Kaiba absently drank from his can of 'CHRISTMAS SPIRIT' and then smirked at Joey. "You have the attention span of a flea, the waiting game is not for you. I doubt you'll last five-" He broke off mid-sentence and blanched. "Oh God, I actually drank that crap! Errrgh," he groaned. He stared at the can for a few moments, blinked, and then swiped a candy cane out of the fridge. Joey snickered as the all-powerful CEO stormed over to a far table and tore the plastic off the candy cane. "Shut up, mutt," he snarled before shoving the candy cane into his mouth.
Ryou was innocently munching on a fruit pudding when a loud explosion scared him right off the table. Falling back with a thud, he looked around wildly. "What was that?!" Yugi jumped to his feet, shortbread forgotten.
"I'll bet it was-" What he thought it was never became apparent as another boom rocked their socks. Pulling themselves off the floor, they looked around apprehensively. Wordlessly, Yugi led the way out the door and they emerged into the snow again.
What they saw was, of course, our heroic Pharaoh. He laughing like a maniac and hurling fireballs at an overturned sleigh nearby. "That will teach you! That will teach you to deny thy Pharaoh, you ridiculous old man! Ahahahahaaa!" he shrieked, pelting the sleigh with yet more fire. If there are any kiddies in the audience, I think they'd best leave before they figure out that Yami is attacking Santa Claus; I don't want to warp any young minds. OLD minds on the other hand . . .
"Oh God Yami, no!" wailed Yugi, wringing his hands in dismay. A burnt teddy bear whammed into the ground next to him, and he picked it up. "Please, think of the children!" he cried, clutching the teddy bear.
"You will not get away from my all mighty fury Santa Claus!" Yami bellowed, quite obviously not noticing Yugi or the others, since he was having so much fun blowing up Father Christmas. Threading his way out from behind them, Bakura stepped forward with a twisted grin on his face.
"The Pharaoh's blowing things up without me? For shame." With that, he whipped the BB gun back out of his jeans and loaded in a large amount of Dr Filibuster's Fireworks. "WE HAVE UNFINISHED BUSINESS, MR. FANCY-PANTS!" Bakura screeched, launching himself forward and getting directly in the way of Yami's fire.
"Stay out of this, Bakura!" Yami shouted, trying to angle his shots around the white-haired man. "If you want to fight me, you need an appointment."
"Screw your honour system!" Bakura cocked his gun and fired at Yami. The Pharaoh disappeared in an explosion of violent green sparks as the firework erupted in his face. Laughing insanely like this was all great fun, Bakura was caught off guard by the fireball Yami sent careening into him.
"YOU UNCIVILISED BEAST! I WILL SHOW YOU THE MEANING OF PAIN!"
"Ha, 'Meaning of Pain'!" Bakura taunted, firing off a double round of cherry crackers. "I think you are the one who needs to learn the meaning of pain. Here!" He suddenly whipped out a huge Oxford dictionary and winged it at Yami. The huge hardcover book promptly flattened Yami. "EDUCATE YOURSELF!"
As Bakura and Yami proceeded to volley large and sparkling fireballs at each other, Yugi and Tea ran around to the blackened sleigh. When they got there they found Santa, cowering behind the overturned seat. "Are you okay?" Tea asked, somewhat shrilly, seeing as a flaming orange burst of fire had just whizzed by overhead, accompanied by frenetic laughter of the evil sort.
"Yes, I think so," said Santa, getting to his feet. "Do you know that guy?" He gestured to Yami, who was dancing around in pain with his shirt on fire. Yugi shifted and looked uncomfortable.
"Um, sorta. We're really sorry about this," he apologized, trying his best to be heard over the cacophony of explosions. "We didn't mean for him to get the idea that he could get what he wanted from you."
"Oh, it's okay. It happens more often than you think. He's just the first to actively pursue the matter." They walked back over to the entrance of the workshop where the others were waiting.
"Hey Santa, I know this isn't the best time," Joey said, "but can we have our presents now?" Santa blinked and looked amazed at the sheer strangeness of the request. "It's just that we probably won't get another chance, what with being on a world-conquering mission doo-dad and all."
"I suppose . . ." Santa trailed off, wincing as one of Bakura's vivid blue fireworks crashed into his sleigh. "Yes, sure, if it means you can get that maniac away from here."
"COOL! Okay, I dunno if you got my list, but I wanted a new football, some Duel Monster cards (preferably from that new booster, 'Dark Crisis', but 'Magician's Force' will do), and some new belts, and there were those magazines (I won't say which, Mokuba's a bit young to hear), and that kick-ass t-shirt I saw on TshirtHell.com, and ooh, there was the hair gel and-"
"Good grief Joey, let someone else have a go," snapped Tea, elbowing him out of the way and taking his place in front of the bewildered Santa. "I want a new pair of dancing shoes. But not the crappy ones! They have to be kinda like the ones Dorothy had in the 'Wizard of Oz', with all those pretty sparkly bits, but I don't want read, I want pink. Or, if you don't have pink, yellow would be nice . . ." Yugi got in front of Tea and stomped on her foot, sending her back a few paces.
"There were so many new games out this year that I didn't know how to narrow the list down, but I figured it out eventually," Yugi said, bouncing on his heels. "Okay, so I want that Millennium version of Monopoly, with all the holographic boards and stuff, and if you've got one the 'Lord of the Rings' version, and a new copy of 'Golden Sun' for my Gameboy, Yami broke the old one when he couldn't beat the Fusion Dragon and I never got a shot at that. Oh, and a chess board, I want a proper chess board like Kaiba's got, and maybe some Dungeon Dice Monsters pieces, I need better ones, Duke said so but he prices those things too high and it's stupid. And if you've got any, a pack of Uno cards!"
"Santa, Santa!" whined Ryou, kicking Yugi out of the way. "Could you get me some 'My Little Pony' toys? My sister used to collect them and they look kinda lonely on the shelf so I should finish the set. D'you have Lickety Split? No? Well any of the purple or white ponies then, that'd be super neat! And a jar of High-Strength Magic Metal polish, because I keep dropping the Ring on the floor by accident and Bakura gets real mad when it gets dirty and yells at me."
"'Scuse me," Mokuba butted in, drawing Santa's attention down to him instead. "I want a puppy!"
"Oh, Mokuba, no," Kaiba moaned, but was drowned out by Yami's hysterical screaming as a firework lodged itself in his hair. "But while we're on the subject," he added, "I would like a new monitor for my computer. One of those new flat screen TFT ones, 27-inch, ideal for online gaming and graphic design. Also, a subwoofer stereo system with integrated treble/bass altering functions and preset conditions."
"What about me?" Tristan said. "I want a Serenity for Christmas!"
"You what?!" shouted Joey.
"I-I mean, one of those new perfumes, called Serenity. Or was it Obsession . . ."
"And I would like something also," stated Bakura, appearing next to them without their knowing it. Yami was currently busy figuring out how to 'Stop, Drop, Roll' and so was occupied for the moment. "I would like a pallet of Bacardi Breezers, a pallet of Bailey's, and a couple of six packs of Heinekens. Also, a new crate of Filibuster Fireworks. I seem to be running low."
Santa stared at the bunch. They seemed pretty eager to get their spoils. Sighing in defeat, he waved his hand and a monstrous array of crates appeared out of mid-air, all labelled with their names. "Is that all?" he moaned. They all pondered for a moment.
"Actually, I would like three packs of Heineken," Bakura said. Another box dropped on top of his stack.
"And I want a set of sewing books," Tristan put in. A couple of boxes whammed into the ground.
"I take it that's all. Okay then, are you going to get rid of that maniac now?" pleaded Santa. They all looked around at each other, wondering how they'd do it. Eyes lighting up, Mokuba dug into his pocket and dragged out a bunch of shining foil.
"Here, you can tie him up with this tinsel! In 'The Santa Clause' it's really strong and stuff."
"Worth a shot," shrugged Bakura, swiping the blue tinsel from Mokuba and stomping over to Yami, who had his head buried in the snow. He apparently does not know the basics of 'Stop, Drop, Roll'. Stupid-head. Yanking him out of the snow, he none-too-gently bound the Pharaoh in the tinsel. As he did this, Yugi thought of one last thing.
"Sorry, Santa, one more thing. Could you bring our plane over here? We can't walk all the way back with all this." With a poof of sparkly light, their jet plane appeared behind the boxes, good as new. You just gotta love that plane.
"Thanks Santa, we love you!" cheered Ryou, snatching some of his boxes and running onto the plane. Santa just shook his head in defeat and wandered back inside his workshop, muttering about 'Kids today, so greedy'.
Bakura marched up the stairs with Yami slung over his back, bound and gagged with shimmering tinsel. The others kicked open the ramp on the other side and started hauling their goodies up into the cabin. As far as they were concerned, this was the best Christmas ever!
. . . Regardless of Yami's continued presence.
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MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!
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Well, that was strange XD. Hope you enjoyed. I might try something a little different next. Something like a 'Behind the Scenes' deal. Don't expect it for a while though. I mean, I've got Christmas to enjoy! And 'Return of the King' . . . *goes all fangirly and worships poster of Aragorn*
Happy Holidays all!
- Vappa