So, HERE I AM AGAIN. I apologize for the travesty that was the previous . . . um . . . chapter-flavoured offering. I was mentally ill the day I wrote that, and I think it affected my sanity. As it affected everyone who reviewed, apparently! XD. I would have updated earlier if not for a few things: Christmas, Return of the King, Boxing Day, Lord of the Rings marathon, Return of the King, doing homework, Return of the King, going camping, Return of the King, and going back to school.
And no, that wasn't an exaggeration. I have seen Return of the King five times. **EDIT** Make that six times.
Anyway, I'll attempt to get back into it now. Be warned: I have no plan for this chapter so it may be EXTRAORDINARILY BORING.
I don't own YuGiOh. Nor the dub of YuGiOh. Nor the Singapore dub of YuGiOh (which is far superior to the American one, let me tell you).
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For I Am Pharaoh
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And On The Eleventh Chapter, They Rested
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When one is in the company of a large group of people for a long period of time, it is quite natural for fights and arguments to break out. This is particularly the case when two people are at odds with each other beforehand. Thus, it is no surprise that two certain people within our merry band of conquerors were having a tiff.
Standing at opposite ends of the cabin, Tea and Bakura were –
What?
Oh, you thought I was going to say "Joey and Kaiba", didn't you? WELL, I'M NOT THAT PREDICTABLE SO SHUT UP!
Back to what I was saying. Tea and Bakura were yelling at each other in a very loud, annoying way about what they were arguing about.
"It's mine I tell you! Mine!" cried Tea, clutching the bottle to her chest.
"Don't toy with me, woman!" Bakura screamed, brandishing a pointy stick at her. "You know full well that any alcohol on this aircraft belongs to me, and sometimes to Ryou!" Ryou waved from his chair, happily drinking a can of bourbon and cola.
"But it's mine! Just because the bottle says it has alcohol in it doesn't mean it's yours!"
"Oh yes it bloody does, now hand it over!" With that, Bakura jabbed her in the stomach with his stick and snatched the bottle off her. Laughing victoriously he took a swig. Suddenly he spat it out. "Blargh! What the hell is that?!" Tea scowled and nabbed the bottle back off him.
"It's Solo. You know, that lemon-flavoured lemonade? I keep it in this bottle for trips and stuff." Bakura was still gagging and sputtering nearby and so didn't make any reply. "Oh come on," she said, "it's not that bad. It's nice."
"Nice? You call that sugar saturated candy drink nice? Gods, Ryou, give me that bourbon and cola."
Meanwhile the other people in the plane were going about their business. Which, uh, wasn't an awful lot, considering the limited amount of things you can do on a plane, magical though it may be. Most of them were content to play with their awesome Christmas gifts. There were quite a lot more of them than they'd asked for; perhaps Santa was feeling generous. Or he really, really wanted to get them away from him.
"Joey, you up for another Monopoly game?" asked Yugi hopefully. The blonde in question shook his head vehemently.
"No way man, you're too good at that game. I can't believe you stole Mayfair out from under my nose."
"Well I can't believe you accidentally gave me $2000 dollars when all you owed me was $15."
"All those paper bits look the same!"
"Uh . . . they're colour-coded Joey. With numbers on them."
"They still look the same. It'd be way easier if some were triangle-shaped, and circle-shaped, and heart-shaped and - "
"Shut up now." Packing away his nifty new Monopoly board, Yugi got up and stretched. Apart from Joey sitting next to him (reading a rather raunchy magazine called 'Hot Lesbian Threesomes and YOU'), Yugi couldn't see anyone else in the plane, due to the ungodly amount of boxes stacked around. So, he decided he'd go see how Kaiba was doing.
Waltzing past Bakura (now onto Ryou's fourth can of bourbon and cola, much to Ryou's dismay) he opened the door of the cockpit and went inside. Seeing the situation in there, he yelped, "Kaiba, what are you doing?!"
Looking up, Kaiba said, "Flying the plane."
"No you aren't!" Yugi shrieked, waving his hands around to needlessly emphasize his point. "You're sitting five feet away from the control panel, playing on your damned laptop!" Kaiba shrugged.
"I'm on it, don't fret."
"How exactly are you on it when you're nowhere near it?" Wordlessly Kaiba held up his hand, revealing a string that was tied around his finger, which was connected to the steering joysticks of the plane.
"You worry too much." Yugi just gaped silently for a second, then decided that maybe he DID worry too much, and after all, Kaiba was a genius, and if Yami had been able to fly the plane then surely the CEO of Kaiba Corp could do it as well, even if he was only using a string to do it.
"Um, anyway . . . where are we going?"
"I figured I'd point the plane back in the direction of Japan. I'm sick of this plane, sick of that Pharaoh, and sick of all of you." Five minutes passed. "No offense."
"None taken. What country are we over?"
"Hm," Kaiba murmured, thinking. "I don't know. Let me check." And with that, he pulled down the side window and stuck his head outside.
By this stage Yugi was under the distinct impression that Kaiba must have been smoking something very strange. Either that or he'd finally snapped after being in such close proximity to all of his friends for so long. And he'd thought Kaiba was the stable one.
"WELL," Kaiba shouted from his position half-way into the freezing high-altitude winds, "I CAN'T BE CERTAIN, BUT THAT LOOKS LIKE THE UNITED STATES DOWN THERE. D'YOU WANT ME TO TAKE A CLOSER LOOK?"
"No! No, that's fine, just get back in here!" Yugi pleaded, yanking Kaiba back by his trench coat.
"Okay, I'm back, what is it?" Kaiba asked, completely unaware that his immaculate hair, blasted by the wind, now resembled the 'do of a punk rocker. Trying extremely hard not to laugh, or stare, or perhaps offer him a comb, Yugi pushed him into the pilot's seat.
"Um, just . . . pilot the plane, okay?" Kaiba snorted and took hold of the joysticks.
"What do I look like to you, a moron? Of course I'll fly the plane."
"Kaiba . . . your left hand goes on the left joystick."
"It is on the left joystick."
"No, that's the brakes." Kaiba blinked.
"Planes have brakes?"
"Yami's plane does." Yugi forcibly removed Kaiba's hand from the brakes and slapped it onto the joystick. Turning to leave, he caught sight of the program running on Kaiba's laptop. He quickly ran out of the cockpit.
Those who play 'Adventures in Typing with Timon and Pumbaa' could not be judged as sane.
~*~
Meanwhile, in a cold, dark, dank place in the belly of the plane, our beloved Pharaoh was thinking about the meaning of life. The meaning of life, he decided, was to gather a tremendous army for the Dark Lord Sauron, so that he and Saruman together could rule this Middle-Earth . . .
Um . . .
Sorry. Slipped into LotR mode again. *Forcibly clunks switch back to YuGiOh*
So, Yami was sitting in the cargo space of the plane. In fact, he was sitting very still, because he was still wrapped up tightly in that shiny blue tinsel. As you can imagine, this was pissing him off mightily.
This is absurd! Yami fumed to himself mentally. How can I be restrained so by mere mortals and that GOOSE of a tomb robber with just a bit of sparkly foil?! And I am very, very annoyed that they gagged me with one of Joey's socks.
Shuffling around a bit, Yami tried furiously to move off the metal bolt that was sticking most uncomfortably into his ass. All he managed to do though was topple off balance and land on his face. Had his mouth not been covered with Joey's stinky sock, a veritable cacophony of swearing and cursing would have been heard. However, it wasn't. Growling, the mighty Pharaoh settled his death-glare on a box of kittens nearby.
There must be a way to escape this. Of all the Millennium Items in the world, the Puzzle is the most useless in this situation! If I had the Rod I could cut my way out. If I had the Ring I could use it like that throwing disc that Xena has. If I had the Tauk I could see my own future and what I do to get out of these bindings.If I had the Eye I could invade Yugi's mind and guilt him into setting me free. If I had the Ankh or the Scales I could . . . do that thing Shaadi does and teleport. But noooooo. I have the PUZZLE. Pointy, stupid, USELESS Puzzle that just traps me inside it for a bloody millennia and then gifts me to the first dork to set hands on it. Well bravo whoever thought THAT one up . . .
Wait. It might have been me. I cannot recall. Did I make the Puzzle? Or was it someone else? Bakura would know. Airy-fairy 'Oh, I can remember my own past, so ha to you!' Bakura who thinks he is so hot, prancing around with a BB gun in his pants and that Millennium Ring that would be really useful right about now. I mean really! What DOES the Puzzle do other than trap righteous Pharaohs in its bowels of doom? It just SITS THERE and looks POINTY. Oh sure, it GLOWS sometimes but what the f**k good is that unless you need a nightlight to sleep with?!
F**king geniuses the Egyptians were. "Ooh, look, let's kill an entire village of vengeful traitors and thieves so we can make some shiny pretty things that only Priests can handle and serve ABSOLUTELY NO PURPOSE WHATSOEVER."
Now that is a bit harsh. After all, you do not know for certain that you made the Items or not.
IT MAKES NO F**KING DIFFERENCE! If I DID make them then bloody shame on me and my f**king stupid head!
Stop it! Self pity gets you nowhere!
Pity? PITY?! THIS IS SELF-DEPRECATING HATRED YOU UTTER F**KING LUNATIC. I HATE MYSELF AND I WANT TO DIE!
SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP! JUST SHUT UP!
YOU SHUT UP YOU GODDAMN RETARDED FOOL!
F**K YOU!
NO, F**K YOU!
YOU!
YOU!
YOU!
YOU!
. . . Dear Ra, I am having a screaming match with myself.
YOU!
SHUT UP, I JUST REALIZED HOW STUPID WE ARE!
Oh. Yes, quite right. Yelling at ones' self is not very Pharaoh-like behaviour.
Truce?
Truce.
Refocusing his eyes after spending so much time in psycho-Yami-brain-land, he scanned the cargo hold again. Nope, nothing good in there. He settled on staring at the box of kittens again. He stayed like that for a long time. Until . . .
I am hungry. So hungry.
. . . I wonder what kittens taste like?
You SO did not just think that.
Did so!
Did not!
Did so!
Did not!
~*~
Back on the upper level, things were not much saner.
Yugi stared around the main cabin of the plane, which he'd left in relative order. However, it didn't seem to be that way now.
Bakura had now drank his way through ten cans of bourbon and cola, not to mention a couple of Bacardi Breezers, and was approximately 3/10ths of the way to Full-On Bakura Drunk Mode, which was so enchanting in the earlier parts of this fanfic but sadly disappeared around chapter 5. At 3/10ths of the way to Full-On Bakura Drunk Mode, Bakura was currently poking at the threads of his chair, staring at them very hard like they might contain the essence of being. Or chocolate. What was more disturbing to Yugi though was that Ryou was also staring hard at the threads right next to Bakura. Obviously, birds of a drunken feather stare at chair material together.
Mokuba, on the other hand, was perched precariously on top of his own chair. With a screwdriver in one hand and a stuffed bunny in the other, he was trying to pry the air-conditioning vent off of the ceiling. Wandering up to the boy, Yugi just watched for a bewildered moment as Mokuba pounded the vent with the bunny's face.
"Say, Mokuba . . . what are you doing?" he asked in a hopefully innocent and casual tone. Mokuba looked at him, features completely normal, and grinned.
"Trying to dig my way to Czechoslovakia, of course." Yugi stared.
"Oh . . . how silly of me. Of course that's what you're doing." Backing slowly away from the younger Kaiba, Yugi thumped into someone. "Sorry, Trista-" he started, and then stopped.
"No harm done!" Tristan chirped happily, resplendent in his wooly pink sweater. Seeing what Yugi was looking at, Tristan promptly spun on the spot to show off his outfit. "D'you like it? Those knitting magazines were a godsend, I swear! I've never had nice clothes like this before, only those icky brown trench coats."
Unable to take any more of this, Yugi made a weird "Krrk" noise and fled to the back of the plane. Holing himself up in the very back seat, he made himself as small as possible. This isn't happening this isn't happening this isn't happening this isn't happening . . . he chanted soundlessly over and over. Just then he heard the unmistakable sound of Tea and Joey bursting into song, very close to him.
"AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOHOOOHOOOH!!" they shrieked tonelessly, waltzing past Yugi's chair in a very bad impersonation of a waltz. Cowering down lower, Yugi just hoped to high heaven that Kaiba would crash the plane and put him out of his misery. Suddenly . . .
"Hello, this is your captain speaking," came Kaiba's voice through the speaker system, sounding mysteriously suave and British. "It's lovely to have you all with us today. As it stands we may have to make a slight detour so that I can face my arch nemesis agent 008 in a spectacular battle above a dam. Never fear though, I have the Golden Gun, for my name is Bond: James Bond."
"Why oh why did I believe Yami to be the worst thing that could possibly happen," moaned Yugi. Sniffing the air a little, he wrinkled his nose. "What on earth is that smell? It's . . . weird . . . making me . . . feel . . . happy . . . and that's a big deal . . . for me . . ."
~*~
All I am saying is that kittens are animals, just like pigs and cows, so what harm is there in eating them?
They are KITTENS you freak, you do not eat KITTENS!
But, why not?
Do you not recall anything of Ancient Egypt? We worship cats! Bastet is a cat goddess! We do not go around eating kittens! Maybe the Chinese do, and possibly the French, but Egyptians do not eat kittens!
If you want to be technical, we are not Egyptian any more. We are technically Japanese.
That has nothing to do with it! It's the principle!
And I say the principle of the matter is that we are hungry, and there is a box of kittens RIGHT OVER THERE, and that constitutes as a meal in my book.
In case you had not noticed, Einstein, we are BOUND IN TINSEL. Even if I wanted to eat those mangy kittens, we would never be able to-
Well, if that is all you wanted, you just had to say so.
And suddenly, the tinsel binding Yami split apart, falling around him and leaving him free as a bird. This took Yami by complete surprise, and he blinked stupidly for a moment. He then remembered the sock in his mouth and violently tore it out, coughing and gagging. Jumping to his feet, he stretched triumphantly.
"Freedom! Oh glorious freedom! It is marvelous, absolutely marvelous. How on earth did I do that?"
*You did nothing. I freed us.*
Yami paused his wild happy-victory dance in surprise. He looked around in confusion. "Uh, hello?" he asked the empty cargo hold. "Is someone there?"
*You have been speaking with me for the past five hours, I am a little offended that you fail to realize that.*
"You . . . you mean . . . you are NOT me speaking to myself in my head?"
*Well, technically speaking as you put it, I am. But I am a separate entity to you, let me assure you.*
"Are you . . . my conscience?" There was a mental sigh.
*No, you f**king dolt, I am NOT your conscience. I am your equivalent of YOU.* Yami furrowed his brow in confusion.
"I am confused. What do you mean?"
*Simply put, I am your yami.*
There was a gasp of shock from the audience. Nobody saw THAT one coming.
Amazed, Yami finally understood. "Is it really possible? I have a yami?"
*YES, you bloody twit,* shouted Yami's yami. *Now, about those kittens . . .*
"Forget the kittens!" roared Yami, eyes alight with happiness. "Finally, after these long eons, I have a true kindred soul! Yugi cannot compare, for he is not of me, and does not comprehend my plans." He paused. "You do realize the import of my being Pharaoh?"
*Yes yes, take over world, lord and master, etcetera . . . but the kittens-*
"HANG THE KITTENS; I HAVE A WORLD TO CONQUER! FOR – I – AM –PHARAOH!" Yami laughed in an exceedingly maniacal manner and tore out of the cargo hold door way.
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Ooh, that was unexpected, even for me. That came totally out of the blue. I know I've gone off the deep end when I start giving the yamis a yami of their own.
Tune in next time when you'll find out exactly why everyone ELSE on the plane has apparently gone off the deep end, and the name of Yami's yami will be revealed! Or . . . rather . . . thought up. What do you call a yami's yami . . . *wanders off musing to self*
- Vappa