Disclaimer: .Hack is not mine.
A/N: This chapter is from BlackRose's POV and takes place in the real world. As no one knows what her real name is, I'm naming her Kiri Kasumi. Don't ask me why, I just liked the way it sounded. Heh. As always, if you're kind enough to read my work, please be kind enough to review. Danke.
Broken, Chapter 2: Have I lost you?
"I don't know...if what we're doing is the right thing anymore."
His words echoed back to her, repeating as if in sync with the beating of her trembling heart. It was the suffering, despondent tone of his voice that had defeated her every time those words repeated themselves in her mind. The very deadness of his voice, the sorrow and uncertainty in his eyes had cut her in two, as she was torn between the need to hold him as tightly as she could and tell him it would work out in the end because she couldn't bring herself to believe any other way, and the need to grab him by the shoulders and shake him until he worked his way out of the uncertainty that now consumed him.
But she hadn't done either. She simply logged out, taking the cowards way of resolution and revealing to him for the first time, had he noticed, the player behind the fiery Heavy Blade he called his partner. She loved the character BlackRose, it was who she always wanted to be, strong and beautiful and willing to take any chance necessary to save those she cared about. But in his moment of weakness, in his self-destructive contemplation, he not only stripped away his own illusion of strength, but hers as well. And in that moment, it had been more than she could handle.
The minutes seemed to stretch indefinitely, as she sat in the less than comfortable desk chair, staring into the blank visual screens of her virtual helmet. Even after logging off, she wasn't at all eager to remove the headset, to return to the reality of her life, to become once again the awkward teenager who seemed popular only because she was good at tennis and swimming and other things most couldn't do well.
The World was her refuge, the place where she could escape the harsh reality of life. Where she actually felt she was doing something for her brother other than simply sitting by his hospital bed and watching the various mechanical apparatuses feed oxygen into his body. But then, he had changed all of that with a simple question. The Twin Blade, just as scared and uncertain as she was about what they were doing, asked her in so many words, if they should quit these dangerous missions. Stop tampering with the fundamental fabric of The World and just let it work itself out.
'Of course,' She thought to herself angrily as she removed her VR Helmet with her shaking hands, carefully placing it on the desk beside the monitor. 'If he decided to just give it up, what chance do I have? He's the one with the bracelet, I'm just the one tagging along in his shadow.'
Curling and flexing her fingers in an attempt to get feeling back into the extremities of her hands, Kiri Kasumi sighed heavily at her own powerlessness, not yet noticing the tears that began to cloud her eyes. The tears didn't at all concern her however; they had become a habit over the last several months. Logging out of The World only to return to reality, the weight of her own tragedy nearly caused her to break. It had been this way ever since Kazu fell from this very chair and had yet to awaken. That's why she followed Kite around The World. It wasn't just to cure her brother, but to find what caused so many players to fall into comas. To, in her own hopes, prevent any other person's brother from falling into a coma as well. But when Kite question their own mission, when he had thought they had gone too far, he tore away her hope for saving her brother along with him...and that was what had made her feel so helpless. It was as if her brother had fallen into a coma all over again. The helplessness, the powerlessness, it all flooded back into her heart and threatened to strangle her in her own grief as the tears began to fall freely from her eyes.
For several moments she stared through clouded eyes at the blank monitor, as if by some unrealized obsession she'd find the answers to the mystery she desperately sought to unravel. It didn't come, and in all the time she had performed this ritualistic ceremony, she never gained any new insight into what was stalking the players within The World. It was all a hopeless dream, and in her most desperate moments, she only had to look at Kite, to see his determination to realize she couldn't give up either. But now, he had given up, and she felt herself sinking into that same, unwavering hopelessness that had consumed her partner. Without him, what would she do?
Pulling away from the blank screen that unflinchingly stared at her, she took in the contents of the room she had shared with her brother in the two bedroom flat her parents had purchased upon their arrival in Tokyo. Nearly four years ago, when her grandmother had fallen ill, her parents decided to move to Tokyo so her father could be with his mother. After she passed, there was no real reason to return to the United States, and this is where they made their home.
Sharing the larger of the two bedrooms, the siblings had come to an unspoken agreement that each would have their own side of the room, and that was that. Kiri's half was a shrine to the various sports and athletic activities she was constantly involved in, both in school and on an individual level. Her dream was to play tennis professionally, and though she considered herself good, she was far from where she wanted to be.
Of course, dreams hadn't held the same wonder they once had. Not since her brother had fallen into a coma. She looked over at his bed and the various posters that decorated his wall and felt the desperation once again squeeze her heart. She loved her brother, and though she hated ever having to share a room with him, the absence of seeing him lying on his bed playing whatever stupid hand held game he was currently into only caused her to suffer more.
"Does a big sister always have to be happy?" She asked the words aloud, not quite catching the quiver in her voice but finding it more difficult to see his bed through the building tears that threatened to fall from her eyes again. As much as he had annoyed her, as much as she wished she had her own privacy, she realized she hadn't been happy a single day since that incident.
"Kiri?" The gentle voice of her mother called from the doorframe, drawing her mind out of her own suffering scrutiny and causing her to realize she had been staring at the empty bed of her brother for several minutes. "You okay sweetie?"
Kiri shrugged her shoulders and seemed to shrink in upon herself as she turned her watery eyes towards her mother's concerned face. "I miss him mom." She said, struggling to get the words out beyond the grief that constricted her throat.
A sad smile creased her mother's features as she took a tentative step into the bedroom, struggling hard to retain her own sorrow caused by her absent child who was lying unconscious in a hospital bed.
"It's just, I can't do anything for him...I can't help him at all. I feel helpless and I don't know what to do." She whispered, her voice no longer finding the strength to carry an audible pitch.
Her mother entered the room and stopped in front of Kiri. Lowering herself to her knees, she pulled the suffering teenager into her arms and held her tightly to her. "I know, I feel the same way. But we have to have faith; we have to believe he'll come back to us. If we lose hope...well, we can't do that. What use would we be to him then?"
"But, what use am I to him?" Kiri whispered into her mother's shoulder, trying desperately to hold back the tears that grew stronger with each moment of doubt. "I know I picked on him, and gave him a hard time...but now that he's gone, I realize how much he means to me." Kiri hiccupped as she struggled to hold back the cascading grief that threatened to overwhelm her. As she confessed her fears to her mother though, she wasn't sure if she was talking about Kazu or Kite. Somewhere in the recesses of her tortured heart, she knew she was referring to both of them.
"I wanted to be strong mom..." She said as the violent sob that broke from her body caused her to pause a moment and try to bring herself under control. She couldn't tell, nor had she wondered whether the shaking of her body was from her tears or her mother's. "I just want to do what's best."
"Then believe in him Kiri." Her mother whispered, her voice shaking as badly as her daughter's. "He isn't gone, he's just lost. Help him find his way back...that's all we can hope to do."
And so the dam broke, as Kiri wrapped her arms tightly around her mother's neck and let all the grief and tears she fought so long to conceal from her parents pour out of her body and soul. "I'm sorry..." She whispered, but for what she wasn't even sure of, and as the tears continued, she wondered if she'd ever stop crying. As the deep sobs wracked her body, she knew that Kite wasn't the only the only one who had lost their way. She joined her partner in his own crumbled faith...two souls lost in the despair of uncertainty. And she wasn't sure if they'd ever find their way back.
-To be Continued
A/N: This chapter is from BlackRose's POV and takes place in the real world. As no one knows what her real name is, I'm naming her Kiri Kasumi. Don't ask me why, I just liked the way it sounded. Heh. As always, if you're kind enough to read my work, please be kind enough to review. Danke.
Broken, Chapter 2: Have I lost you?
"I don't know...if what we're doing is the right thing anymore."
His words echoed back to her, repeating as if in sync with the beating of her trembling heart. It was the suffering, despondent tone of his voice that had defeated her every time those words repeated themselves in her mind. The very deadness of his voice, the sorrow and uncertainty in his eyes had cut her in two, as she was torn between the need to hold him as tightly as she could and tell him it would work out in the end because she couldn't bring herself to believe any other way, and the need to grab him by the shoulders and shake him until he worked his way out of the uncertainty that now consumed him.
But she hadn't done either. She simply logged out, taking the cowards way of resolution and revealing to him for the first time, had he noticed, the player behind the fiery Heavy Blade he called his partner. She loved the character BlackRose, it was who she always wanted to be, strong and beautiful and willing to take any chance necessary to save those she cared about. But in his moment of weakness, in his self-destructive contemplation, he not only stripped away his own illusion of strength, but hers as well. And in that moment, it had been more than she could handle.
The minutes seemed to stretch indefinitely, as she sat in the less than comfortable desk chair, staring into the blank visual screens of her virtual helmet. Even after logging off, she wasn't at all eager to remove the headset, to return to the reality of her life, to become once again the awkward teenager who seemed popular only because she was good at tennis and swimming and other things most couldn't do well.
The World was her refuge, the place where she could escape the harsh reality of life. Where she actually felt she was doing something for her brother other than simply sitting by his hospital bed and watching the various mechanical apparatuses feed oxygen into his body. But then, he had changed all of that with a simple question. The Twin Blade, just as scared and uncertain as she was about what they were doing, asked her in so many words, if they should quit these dangerous missions. Stop tampering with the fundamental fabric of The World and just let it work itself out.
'Of course,' She thought to herself angrily as she removed her VR Helmet with her shaking hands, carefully placing it on the desk beside the monitor. 'If he decided to just give it up, what chance do I have? He's the one with the bracelet, I'm just the one tagging along in his shadow.'
Curling and flexing her fingers in an attempt to get feeling back into the extremities of her hands, Kiri Kasumi sighed heavily at her own powerlessness, not yet noticing the tears that began to cloud her eyes. The tears didn't at all concern her however; they had become a habit over the last several months. Logging out of The World only to return to reality, the weight of her own tragedy nearly caused her to break. It had been this way ever since Kazu fell from this very chair and had yet to awaken. That's why she followed Kite around The World. It wasn't just to cure her brother, but to find what caused so many players to fall into comas. To, in her own hopes, prevent any other person's brother from falling into a coma as well. But when Kite question their own mission, when he had thought they had gone too far, he tore away her hope for saving her brother along with him...and that was what had made her feel so helpless. It was as if her brother had fallen into a coma all over again. The helplessness, the powerlessness, it all flooded back into her heart and threatened to strangle her in her own grief as the tears began to fall freely from her eyes.
For several moments she stared through clouded eyes at the blank monitor, as if by some unrealized obsession she'd find the answers to the mystery she desperately sought to unravel. It didn't come, and in all the time she had performed this ritualistic ceremony, she never gained any new insight into what was stalking the players within The World. It was all a hopeless dream, and in her most desperate moments, she only had to look at Kite, to see his determination to realize she couldn't give up either. But now, he had given up, and she felt herself sinking into that same, unwavering hopelessness that had consumed her partner. Without him, what would she do?
Pulling away from the blank screen that unflinchingly stared at her, she took in the contents of the room she had shared with her brother in the two bedroom flat her parents had purchased upon their arrival in Tokyo. Nearly four years ago, when her grandmother had fallen ill, her parents decided to move to Tokyo so her father could be with his mother. After she passed, there was no real reason to return to the United States, and this is where they made their home.
Sharing the larger of the two bedrooms, the siblings had come to an unspoken agreement that each would have their own side of the room, and that was that. Kiri's half was a shrine to the various sports and athletic activities she was constantly involved in, both in school and on an individual level. Her dream was to play tennis professionally, and though she considered herself good, she was far from where she wanted to be.
Of course, dreams hadn't held the same wonder they once had. Not since her brother had fallen into a coma. She looked over at his bed and the various posters that decorated his wall and felt the desperation once again squeeze her heart. She loved her brother, and though she hated ever having to share a room with him, the absence of seeing him lying on his bed playing whatever stupid hand held game he was currently into only caused her to suffer more.
"Does a big sister always have to be happy?" She asked the words aloud, not quite catching the quiver in her voice but finding it more difficult to see his bed through the building tears that threatened to fall from her eyes again. As much as he had annoyed her, as much as she wished she had her own privacy, she realized she hadn't been happy a single day since that incident.
"Kiri?" The gentle voice of her mother called from the doorframe, drawing her mind out of her own suffering scrutiny and causing her to realize she had been staring at the empty bed of her brother for several minutes. "You okay sweetie?"
Kiri shrugged her shoulders and seemed to shrink in upon herself as she turned her watery eyes towards her mother's concerned face. "I miss him mom." She said, struggling to get the words out beyond the grief that constricted her throat.
A sad smile creased her mother's features as she took a tentative step into the bedroom, struggling hard to retain her own sorrow caused by her absent child who was lying unconscious in a hospital bed.
"It's just, I can't do anything for him...I can't help him at all. I feel helpless and I don't know what to do." She whispered, her voice no longer finding the strength to carry an audible pitch.
Her mother entered the room and stopped in front of Kiri. Lowering herself to her knees, she pulled the suffering teenager into her arms and held her tightly to her. "I know, I feel the same way. But we have to have faith; we have to believe he'll come back to us. If we lose hope...well, we can't do that. What use would we be to him then?"
"But, what use am I to him?" Kiri whispered into her mother's shoulder, trying desperately to hold back the tears that grew stronger with each moment of doubt. "I know I picked on him, and gave him a hard time...but now that he's gone, I realize how much he means to me." Kiri hiccupped as she struggled to hold back the cascading grief that threatened to overwhelm her. As she confessed her fears to her mother though, she wasn't sure if she was talking about Kazu or Kite. Somewhere in the recesses of her tortured heart, she knew she was referring to both of them.
"I wanted to be strong mom..." She said as the violent sob that broke from her body caused her to pause a moment and try to bring herself under control. She couldn't tell, nor had she wondered whether the shaking of her body was from her tears or her mother's. "I just want to do what's best."
"Then believe in him Kiri." Her mother whispered, her voice shaking as badly as her daughter's. "He isn't gone, he's just lost. Help him find his way back...that's all we can hope to do."
And so the dam broke, as Kiri wrapped her arms tightly around her mother's neck and let all the grief and tears she fought so long to conceal from her parents pour out of her body and soul. "I'm sorry..." She whispered, but for what she wasn't even sure of, and as the tears continued, she wondered if she'd ever stop crying. As the deep sobs wracked her body, she knew that Kite wasn't the only the only one who had lost their way. She joined her partner in his own crumbled faith...two souls lost in the despair of uncertainty. And she wasn't sure if they'd ever find their way back.
-To be Continued