A/N: AHAHAHAhAAH!!!! Finally, it's the end of STAR testing! Problem is, since I decided to slack off so much in schoolwork, I've fallen behind and one of my dear teachers decided to inform my parents about my 'laziness and lack of effort' haha amusing really, I find it. Well, so my parents are telling me to get my act together before I lose the computer until the end of summer. Dear me, in a predicament aren't' I? Okay okay I'm stopping the ranting before everyone runs off on me.

Summary so Far: Subaru, devastated at the death of Seishirou and loss of his wish has made a strange agreement with the Dark Kamui. He gets to go back in the past, before Seishirou dies to find and grant his wish. Excluded from his duties as a Dragon of Heaven and free to finish things off with Seishirou, it seems too easy. He just won't remember what happened between them after Seishirou killed Hokuto and disappeared…. 9 years ago.

Notes: the events in this chapter take place after vol.12 ( sorry, I skipped over Arashi and Sorata visiting… ;;;;) And they are slightly before Satsuki's fight with Yuzurihia. Just to clear things up…

Disclaimer: For anyone who actually reads this stupid, rather unnecessary line, I don't own X. If I did.. Seishirou would've say those 3 damn words to Subaru before he died.

Chapter 7 : Can't let go...

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Subaru's POV

Plip....Plop…..Plip…..Plop…… the sound of dripping water always echoes in my dream. Except this time, it's red, dark and IS human blood. Blood. Whenever a living being gets wounded, this is the liquid that comes out. And invades my dreams.

I believe my subconscious is filled with nothing but Sakura petals and puddles of blood on the floor, similar to the scene after Seishirou killed my sister. I'm tainted. Tainted by the one I love and hate the most. I hate it. I love it too. Constantly, wandering in here, I'm forever contradicting myself. Hate him…. Love him…. Despise him…. Adore him…..

And I open my eyes. Awakening to the unfamiliar world I seem to be captured in. This time though, the one who is in my room isn't Kamui but a young high school-age girl. Probably Yuzurihura, the girl Kamui talked about sometimes, who brightened up life with them. She was staring out the window, with her dog next to her who was set on watching me intently. I squirmed slightly under his gaze, I wasn't very comfortable with something staring at me all the time.

" Subaru-san! You're awake!" She exclaimed, bouncing over to my bedside. I noticed her holding her schoolbag, as well as the clock in my room, I saw it was sometime in the afternoon, too tired to think about exactly what the time was.

Immediately, seeing the bandages around my eye, she looked down at the floor. Immediately, knowing why she looked sorry, I reached out and slowly brushed her face with my hand.

" It's not your fault you know…." I gave her the best smile I could muster. Placing the hand I had just used and briefly let it sit softly over my bandaged eye. " The other Kamui….. He said I wanted this to happen." Maybe i really did, now that i thought about it.

Yuzuriha's eyes widened. " No… that couldn't be Subaru-san! Everyone worries about you so much, you couldn't have wished this on yourself!" Then giving a small f ohh! She looked down and reached into her schoolbag. Pulling out a small plush bunny, she smiled and handed it to me.

I blushed slightly and thanked her for her thoughtfulness. As time passed by, I found myself chatting with her quite contentedly. Around 6, she gasped and looked at the clock.

" I'm sorry! I didn't mean to keep you up this long when you needed your rest." She jumped up and out of the seat she had taken while we were talking. I pat Inuki once more before he headed over to her side. She was just about to open the door when she retraced her steps and came to me again.

She lifted he pinky and smiled, " You're a very kind person Subaru-san!" [1] She looked away for a second, still holding out her pinky to me. I looked at her confused.

" Please swear. Swear that if anything else happens, you won't try to deal with it by yourself! You'll call on me and Inuki."[1] She looked entirely serious….but actually, i thought she should say that to Kamui.

Momentarily, I stared at her dumbstruck at her sincere expression and hand still held out to me. Regaining my senses, I lifted my pinky and crossed it with her.

Her bubbly personality came again, " There! It's a promise![1] Please keep Usagi-chan with you too! I didn't want you to be all by yourself…" and she hurried out the door afterwards.

Implusively, while still holding the bunny, I looked at it…. Images that I couldn't quite place a finger on flashed through my mind. Seishirou…. Sakura petals flying everywhere…..darkness.

" All by myself…."

I found myself dozing on and off again, dreaming off the times when it used to be just me, Hokuto and Seishirou. I wanted them back. I wanted the people I loved most. ' you still technically, have Seishirou you know.' my mind whispered. Great. Just great. I slapped myself in the face in embarrassment. I was talking to myself, and who knows how many times I'd heard people say that it was the first sign of insanity. Or rather, schizophrenia?

Actually, as I was staring up at the pure white ceiling, I found in a strange way, that a part of me wouldn't have minded. I only wanted Seishirou to see me….. to acknowledge me. And part of me wanted something else. But I couldn't venture deeper into the corridor that possessed those thoughts in me. Something blocked it.

Suddenly, I was shaken out of my musings once again by a loud rumble. Rushing, I made my way to the window, careful to avoid any dangerous objects that were moving around in the room.

' Earthquake? This strong…. That it could be felt on even the CLAMP campus?!'

I took a quick look at the area. Noticing a spirit shield being put up, I gasped when I recognized who's it was, though I had never actually remembered seeing it.

" Yuzuriha!"

I opened the window, ignoring the my mind's cries about me needing to stay in bed and the constant dangerous shaking. I needed to get there. I needed to help her. Pain coursed through my head, my body froze and I blacked out…

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I awoke, dimly noticing a few things.

1) I wasn't at the CLAMP hospital.

2) I was not alone.

And three….I stumbled out of bed when I realized who was next to me.

"Seishirou-san!?!!" I gasped as I hit the wall.

" Hmm?" He yawned and stretched his arms as he looked at me. " Subaru-kun, in your present state, I don't think it's a good idea for you to start jumping out of bed. It was such a hassle to get you out of the hospital inconspicuously."

I sat on the cold wooden floor, my mind trying to comprehend what he had just said. " Hospital…. Get me out... Inconspicuously…...?"

Noticing the fact I only had a large white T-shit and a pair of dark blue shorts on, I hurriedly reached out and grabbed the blanket, covering myself. I regretted doing so, as I noticed that Seishirou wasn't wearing anything…. Wait- scratch that, he wasn't wearing a top. I locked eyes with him as he caught me staring. At his chest to be exact. I was bright crimson red by now, I had to be. Now to only figure out what was worse? Staring at Seishirou's well-built chest or him staring at me.

In the end, I decided it was better if I stared at him. Seishirou watched me the whole time, clearly pleased with my dilemma.

I glared at him hotly and he said softly, " Well, Subaru-kun, it never appeared to me that you were so forward."

Before I knew what I was doing, I had stopped glaring at him, stalked over to the other side of the room blushing furiously, and threw the blanket at him, hard as I could. He blinked for a second, put down the blanket on the bed, smirked and walked over to the closet near the door. He rummaged through it quietly and pulled out a white dress shirt and dark dress pants. He put it on as I looked at the wall, and looked at the wall, determinedly not looking over his way.

Yelping as he came from behind me to put his arms around my shoulders in a tight embrace. He whispered in my ear, " Subaru-kun…. I thought you found me sexy… You don't anymore?"

His low husky voice made me shiver.

" Th- that was....before.. All those things happened. Be-before you disappeared." I struggled to steady my voice. I didn't want him to see how nervous he was making me. How he was making me turn bright red. Making my heart beat faster and faster, pounding hard in my chest. I didn't want him to know that only he could make me this way, only because I could feel his heart beating near mine and his warm body pressed against me. I wanted to stand up for myself and prove that I actually had a backbone.

As I said those words, I felt him tense for a second and he relaxed again. He said nothing for a few seconds, leaving us in a apprehensive silence. Then, he walked out of the room and touched the doorknob for a second, as if he was going to open it.

He remembered something apparently and turned back towards me. Heading over to the closet again, he grabbed his trademark trench coat and coat. I sighed in relief, thinking he was going to leave. Instead to my surprise, he walked over to me and put a hand on my face, lightly tracing my jawbone and up to my bandaged eye.

I heard him mutter, " Only me…. and no one else." Then lifting my face, so I would directly look at him, he said in a cheery voice, completely different from the one he had before," Do get some sleep Subaru-kun…. We wouldn't want you to get scarred anymore, would we? And there's food in the fridge if you get hungry. See you later." I shuddered. His voice didn't match his eyes. ( or eye)

And he left.

So I decided to sleep for a while. Until I bolted out of bed (again) and realized that I didn't know what happened to Yuzuhira. And the fact that I was sleeping in Seishirou's bed. Quickly, I looked around for something decent to wear, and went out, making sure the door was unlocked behind me.

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Shinjuku

I walked among the rubble left behind in the fight. The wind blew hard on my face, and unconsciously, I hugged myself harder and went on, down the road… hoping for someone still alive and breathing.

The damage here was horrible. Buildings with floors annihilated in the fight. Streetlights tumbled across the broken sidewalks and streets, cracked open with huge craters…. There were bodies littered everywhere, people crushed trying to escape the mass chaos that inevitably followed the onslaught, more dead from the fallen buildings that toppled over.

The mood and blankness here was horrible, the spirit shield had fallen… and it took a lot with it as well. Deep inside myself… I knew it was another one of my vain attempts for survivors, but I had to at least try. The uselessness of my eye didn't help either.

I gave up after a while, after looking in and under every single crevice, hole, and parts of buildings I could find and reach. It sucked. And I was only disappointed and depressed again.

I just sat there for a while on some random flight of stairs I found ( or at least what was left of it..) and tired to erase all the horrible images from my mind. It would haunt me again and again. The wind pressed hard on me again and now, I was hungry. It must have been at least 3 hours since I left Seishirou's place, and now I couldn't remember how to find my way back.

Unfortunately for me, everything around me was pretty much er.. Gone. There were footsteps behind me, and I turned around.

" Ah.... You again…" I mentally smacked myself for sounding so rude. It was Seishirou as always, dressed to kill in his trademark black trenchcoat, dark sunglasses, neat suit and tie, and smug smirk. I felt my heart beat faster.

" Surprised to see me here, Subaru-kun? Oh, how nice, you're wearing my clothes." his voice was just loud enough to hear over the strong winds billowing around us.

" Ahh! I'm sorry…Seishirou-san!" I blushed crimson, and stared at the ground. " I didn't spend all day in bed like you asked me to, and I had to borrow your clothes. I just wanted to see if I could just find anyone here." I brought my knees up to my chest and hugged them. Feeling cold, I shivered slightly and muttered a thank you when Seishirou took off his trench coat and put it over me.

"Always, Subaru-kun, you're like this. So cute, so innocent, so naïve." He smirked.

I looked at him for a second, staring into his calm, almost expressionless face.It was strange talking to him like this, even though I never noticed before. Without his veterinarian's mask, he was almost a different person. Never mind that, he was. But this was his true self. The cold, cynical assassin hidden in the shadows. But I wanted to know more about him. I wanted to truly somehow understand him. I wanted to know 'why?' for so many actions he had taken.

" Why must people die? Why must the world end? Why…does everything that the dreamseers predicte will happen, will come to pass?" I whispered. The sky gew darker, as I waited and spoke.

Seishirou, surprisingly graced me with an answer, staring out into the distance… over all the fallen, destroyed buildings littered all around us. Picking up a rock in his hand, he fingered it lightly, running his graceful fingers across it.

" You understand perfectly well, how the earth slowly is being worn away, polluted by humans. Every single day, wasting more resources, dirtying the earth, even with all the recent actions taken to try to stop it." He paused. " The earth will die… or the humans polluting it will die. Either way, it doesn't matter to me. It won't change anyway."

I remembered something he had said a while ago to me.. Back then.

" Seishirou-san. Do you still love Tokyo?"

He made no response for a while.

' Of course. Like before…. where else on Earth can so many enjoy their descent into destruction? Except this time, it's going to end, with everyone destroyed forever."he said.

I got up and wobbled a little, wincing at then numbness in my legs. Walking over to him, I nearly fell over. Sleepily, I gazed at him with my single eye, clutching his shirt and asked,

"Then…. can I ask, Seishirou-san…. Have you ever loved anything? Have you ever cared…..? I, even though everything from you was all a act for you… it really did mean something. They say that true love is letting go, but I can't let go…. I can't forget everything you've done. Even if it was just a masquerade…… I won't ever forget….Even if it was only that one time in my life where I actually lived out the fantasy. I. Don't…. won't forget."

My eye (s?) closed as I slowly drifted off, vaguely noticing that I was being picked up and carried away. Dreams were always so much better than reality, because I could never face reality.

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[1]- these are actual lines that she says in the English version of vol.12. I don't have the Japanese version, nor have seen a translation of it so I'm not really sure that this is the exact thing.

Usagi = rabbit, bunny, etc…. you know the big gray thing always walking around in loony tunes, eating a carrot and saying, " What's up doc?" Yeah…. That's it.

A/N: Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!! Finally, all finished! Seriously, I think there's too much talking in this chapter…. Wonder what I'll have them do next? Should Seishirou tell Subaru he knows? Or should Fuuma fill him in on the details?

Plus.. Should this end in a happy ending or a sad one? (hahaah… my dear muse has two in mind I really want to use….)

I guess I delayed this chapter for so long… so I made this one longer than the others… hopefully, I'll be able to get my creative juices going and leave longer updates like this Damn. Why does ff.net have to be down right now for repairs?…. Gahhh….2 more hours until it gets back on…

R&R please! Thanks to everyone who reviewed and actually bothered to read this ficcy. :P