A/N: I hope this is funny, and I hope it's pretty original. Review, if you feel like it. Hope you get some laughs out of it!:) Enjoy!
And now, my never-before-seen....
Exclusive Interview with the Dark Lord Voldemort
B: Thank you for being here today, Mr. Voldemort.
V: Oh, no problem. It's a pleasure. I'm sure my fans are just dying to get the real facts.
B: Yes, they are, so let's not keep them waiting any longer. Now, you've mentioned that "Voldemort" is not your real name, correct?
V: Yes, my given name is... Tom Marvolo Riddle. Let's say I wasn't too happy with that name, so I changed it. Can you imagine, going to school with the name Riddle? The kids... (clears his throat) The other kids would always ask me to tell them a riddle, and called me sphinx-boy. (Pauses) It left such scars, that I was determined to kill them all! ... And change my name.
B: Fascinating. That takes care of the next question: why you don't like Muggles. But could you tell us, what exactly do you have against Muggleborns?
V: As I'm sure you know, my father was a Muggle, my mother a witch. Mummy died right after giving birth. I never knew her (Pauses, wipes eyes). My no-good father left her after finding out she was a witch (though it serves her right, for marrying a Muggle!) so I killed him for it. That left more scars, and started my hatred of Muggles, even their offspring! I'm really a caring wizard. Who else cares enough for the mudbloods to relieve them from a lifetime of pain! I couldn't stand my father--his unctuous Muggle ways, the deplorable last name that he gave to me... So I killed him.
B: I see where you're coming from. You went to Hogwarts, so what was your life like in Hogwarts, what classes did you take, and how did that affect where you are today?
V: Well, I was a full-blooded Slytherin, of course. I kept from my classmates the fact I was half-mudblood, but not that I had murdered my father. They thought that was great fun. I lived in the castle all year (as an orphan, the headmaster made special arrangements for me), and I learned many of its secrets, but I spent much of my time in the library. I was always fascinated with the Dark Arts, so I took as many classes related to that subject as I could manage. I read about the Dark wizard Grindewald, and aspired to become like him. The Head of my House was delighted to hear that during career consultations in fifth year. He later became one of my supporters, even though I soon had to kill him, the idiot. I learned a great many Dark spells, and became very powerful. That's just another reason to stay in school.
B: I'm sure your fans will be inspired. How did you go about your rise to power? Any tips for up-and-coming Dark Lords?
V: Well, to address the latter question, there had better not be any more Dark Lords. I rule alone, and I will kill those who block my path to power. (Glares) That was probably the trait that rocketed me to the top so quickly. No-tolerance policy. You slip up, you die. You oppose me, you die. But first, I had to get followers. I knew I couldn't do it alone. That wouldn't make sense. Most of my Slytherin peers shared my views and quickly joined me, but many were weak, or stupid. I looked to the Ministry. The quickest way to disrupt a community is to dissolve its government. I gained inside supporters, but too few. I did not give up so easily, however. My next tactic was forced infiltration. I went directly to top Ministry officials' houses, and threatened, blackmailed, even cursed a few into submission. By then news about me and my... let's say sacrifices... was spreading. I couldn't have my given name be on the headlines. It simply didn't strike enough terror in the heart. Tom Riddle? It sounded like a grocery store owner instead of a Dark Lord. I worked for three days on a new name. Some rejected ones were: Grindewald II: Son of Grindewald, The Dark One, Dark Vader, and a close runner up: Diabolically Dark. These sounded too much like codenames, so I rearranged the letters in my own name to come up with I Am Lord Voldemort. I thought it was quite original, though people stopped using it within a week. They used my very early rejected names: You-Know-Who and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. I just didn't think those were very creative. My, I'm talkative! (Takes a drink of water) In short, I met some confrontation, but it wasn't enough to get rid of me.
B: Wow. You sure did plan that out! So, what exactly was your goal in all this?
V: To rid the world of Muggles and mudbloods, and have pure-blood reign supreme, as it was intended from the very beginning by the noble Salazar Slytherin!
B: Alright, groovy. Now, you're how old?
V: Seventy, give or take a few years. I lost track of time twenty years ago, but it's close enough. I'll never die, though! I'll live on!
B: Right. That's the next question. What is this fear of death?
V: I fear nothing! Nevermind ... No comment.
B: Alrighty then. Could you tell us a little about your downfall?
V: Oh, it was a sad, sad chain of events. One of my followers heard a prophecy, but he didn't hear the whole thing, and misinterpreted it. I killed him later, of course. Long story short, I went after Harry Potter, killed his parents (that wasn't hard), and tried to kill him. Of course, you know the rest. The curse rebounded on me and I was forced to live a half-life for ten years.
B: Could you tell us about those ten years?
V: Terrible, terrible times. I killed unicorns for their blood, to live. I embodied my faithful snake, but I had little strength. Of course, my bloody "followers" never even tried to find me. Cowards! All of them! I had half a mind to kill them all when I regained strength, but I restrained myself. Why? Because I knew I would need them later. Yes, I would need them to regain power like I did before.
B: I'm so sorry. So, what's your plan of action to regain power again? Anything different from last time?
V: Yes. Much is different, because that cursed Harry Potter had to live, and now I have even more opposition. Foiling my plans, not letting me get a foothold! I just can't work like this! (Puts head in hand) But right now, all I want is that prophecy. But of course, that little cur had to foil that plan too! Sure I can possess him, but the only way to kill him there is to kill myself as well! And that I simply cannot do. I think I'll corrupt the Ministry a bit more, then bring in some Dark creatures. I don't know. I'm still hung over from the celebration of the death of the last Black.
B: (Goes red in the face) Are you? Well, that's all the time we have, I believe. Thank you so much for your time, Mr. Voldemort. This has been quite informative.
V: No problem. No, thank you! I suppose now you know pretty much everything... AVADA KEDAVRA!!!