I was aware of her presence before I even closed the door to my office. I
wasn't sure whether to be relieved or apprehensive. She had gone missing
for several months after her parents showed up. There was no warning, no
goodbye. She vanished. I tried very hard to locate her, but with no luck. I
had just given up on the search, and now she instead comes to me.
"Illyria."
She was standing behind me. I didn't turn around.
"Wesley." I waited for her to say more, but she didn't say anything. Without turning around I addressed her.
"Why did you come back?" I wasn't sure if I was glad that she was back. When I was looking for her, it was just to find her. I'm not sure if I would have gone to her.
"I wouldn't have come back but for one problem that only you can help me with." I took a deep breath and moved to turn around, but she grabbed me by the shoulders and held me in place. I struck me as this was the first time she had touched me in such a way.
"And what is the problem then?" I asked, only half caring. I only half cared about everything anymore.
"There is something wrong with my body, something that you have done. You must help me to overcome the problem."
"Why must I?" I fired back. Hearing her ask for help, just as Fred had asked me for help when she was dying brought tears to my eyes.
"See for yourself." She released me and I turned around. Nothing in this world could have prepared me for seeing what I saw. She possessed a pronounced bump just below her stomach. A sob caught in my throat. I couldn't form a single thought in my mind.
"I am with child. Your child; the shells child." I moved my mouth, trying to form words, but none came. A tear made its way down my face.
"You kept it," I stated compassionately. A strong feeling for Illyria that I think was love flared. Love for her because she hadn't aborted it. But why?
"I do not know what to do with it. It is small, infinitely pointless. It will die so soon after it is born that it shouldn't have bothered to live at all. It is a parasite that is feeding off me without giving anything in return. It annoys me. I can't see my feet as well as I would like, and it kicks aimlessly."
"No, no. You don't see how magical it is! How unique! In all of time past, passing and yet to pass, it is the only one like it. Never in all existence has there ever been or will there ever be another like it." Illyria cocked her head to one side.
"Perhaps. But it is still annoying me. I could kill it at any time, but then it would rot inside my body. How do I get it out?" I swallowed a lump in my throat.
"You have to wait a few more months. Then it will come out by itself."
"Where?" Such an innocent question from such a naïve being. I think I may have actually blushed. "When I asked that your muscles tensed and you grew warm. You have also increased in mass. Why?" I was silent for a moment, as I tried to mask my humiliation. I kept telling myself that she didn't understand, and even if she did, she wouldn't care.
"Try going over Fr...Fred's memories." She stared at me with those lifeless blue eyes as she tried to recall things she had never done. Suddenly she smiled at me. It was the coyest smile I ever saw on her.
"Yes. I see now. I understand everything."
"Everything?" I quizzed. The smile faded.
"Except your reaction. The shell was certain that you would be overjoyed when you found out. Now that you know you are more grief-stricken than ever."
"Fred knew?" I managed to rasp.
"Yes. She had only just found out the day that I entered her."
"You mean the day you killed her," I said darkly.
"Yes." There was a long silence during which time neither of us moved even an inch. I wondered what she would do with the child, both now and after it was born-if it was born.
"Are you going to keep the child?" She looked at me strangely.
"Why would I?" A sense of deep longing overcame me. I wanted to keep it so badly. The last piece of Fred in this world. A look of realisation came over Illyria, one which I didn't like the look of. "You know of a way in which I can terminate it, don't you?" I was speechless. "You do! Tell me!"
"No!" I cried. "I want you to keep it!"
"And if you wanted me to drive a car into a lamppost like Spike does every week, you think I would do it, simply because you wished it?"
"No. That not what I meant."
"Then what did you mean? Why should I keep it? To please you?" I couldn't think of anything to say. Nothing in my mind would convince her to keep it, or so I thought. I decided that there as only one shot, and that I had to take it. My tears were spilling freely now.
"Illyria...I can't make you keep it. But if you do, I will forgive you, or at least try to forgive you, for killing Fred."
"You are adapting to me already. I do not need to barter for you to adapt more quickly. It is inevitable."
"Illyria, please. I beg you." She said nothing, just gazed into my eyes with that distracted curiosity of hers that I had become so accustomed to. "If not for me or Fred, than for you."
"For me?" she asked sceptically.
"The baby is yours as well as mine. It's your body now. Please." That seemed to make her think. I held my breath, believing that my sanity rested on her decision. It was hard enough without Fred, but I think that loosing this baby now that I knew about it would be too much to handle.
"Mine..." she mumbled distantly. She placed a leather clad hand on her womb, or at least where it should have been. I wondered briefly how the child could live if all her organs had been liquefied, but I didn't really care. I was too amazed to pay much attention to small, pointless details like that. She looked up at me. "I've never had a child before. I think...I would like to have one. It will be interesting." In that moment, all my grief washed away. I had never been more relieved in my life. I did the only thing I could think of doing, which was to gather Illyria in my arms. I rested my head in her blue hair and squeezed. She remained rigid, but didn't protest. I crushed her as close to me as I could. I could feel her firm round belly come between us and I choked on another sob. Eventually I released her. She just stared at me with a perplexed look, saying nothing and asking nothing.
----------
Epilogue
As time went on, Illyria grew bigger. Her suit seemed to adjust far better than she did. She would complain of her discomfort constantly, and state on a daily basis that she didn't care about the child at all, but I could tell she was growing attached to it. She changed so little over these months, yet at the same time so much. It was the little things that showed me how she was coping. Very often I would find her sitting on the floor in the training room, legs crossed and eyes closed, and she would be analysing the baby in the same way she could analyse things by putting them in her mouth. She claimed she could feel every new cell which grew.
When I asked her why she paid such close attention to it, she said it was impossible not to.
As for Illyria and I, we grew closer. I could never love her the way I loved Fred, but I got used to her, and I relied on her, just as she relied on me.
When the day came for the baby to come out, Illyria was as close to panic as I've ever seen her. She didn't feel the pain the way a human would have, and for that I was glad. When she was handed a tiny baby girl, with large ice-blue eyes and sky blue hair, she was so unsure of what to do with it that I feared briefly that she would do nothing. However she took it in stride, and learned what to do.
We agreed that we would both raise her.
She looks so much like Fred that it's almost unreal. Of course, she is obviously the child of Illyria as well. Even though Fred is gone, and even though I miss her so much it hurts, with my daughter (who still hasn't been given a name) and Illyria around to remind me I still have family, it becomes bearable.
I can only hope that she doesn't turn out to be as self-centred as her mother.
"Illyria."
She was standing behind me. I didn't turn around.
"Wesley." I waited for her to say more, but she didn't say anything. Without turning around I addressed her.
"Why did you come back?" I wasn't sure if I was glad that she was back. When I was looking for her, it was just to find her. I'm not sure if I would have gone to her.
"I wouldn't have come back but for one problem that only you can help me with." I took a deep breath and moved to turn around, but she grabbed me by the shoulders and held me in place. I struck me as this was the first time she had touched me in such a way.
"And what is the problem then?" I asked, only half caring. I only half cared about everything anymore.
"There is something wrong with my body, something that you have done. You must help me to overcome the problem."
"Why must I?" I fired back. Hearing her ask for help, just as Fred had asked me for help when she was dying brought tears to my eyes.
"See for yourself." She released me and I turned around. Nothing in this world could have prepared me for seeing what I saw. She possessed a pronounced bump just below her stomach. A sob caught in my throat. I couldn't form a single thought in my mind.
"I am with child. Your child; the shells child." I moved my mouth, trying to form words, but none came. A tear made its way down my face.
"You kept it," I stated compassionately. A strong feeling for Illyria that I think was love flared. Love for her because she hadn't aborted it. But why?
"I do not know what to do with it. It is small, infinitely pointless. It will die so soon after it is born that it shouldn't have bothered to live at all. It is a parasite that is feeding off me without giving anything in return. It annoys me. I can't see my feet as well as I would like, and it kicks aimlessly."
"No, no. You don't see how magical it is! How unique! In all of time past, passing and yet to pass, it is the only one like it. Never in all existence has there ever been or will there ever be another like it." Illyria cocked her head to one side.
"Perhaps. But it is still annoying me. I could kill it at any time, but then it would rot inside my body. How do I get it out?" I swallowed a lump in my throat.
"You have to wait a few more months. Then it will come out by itself."
"Where?" Such an innocent question from such a naïve being. I think I may have actually blushed. "When I asked that your muscles tensed and you grew warm. You have also increased in mass. Why?" I was silent for a moment, as I tried to mask my humiliation. I kept telling myself that she didn't understand, and even if she did, she wouldn't care.
"Try going over Fr...Fred's memories." She stared at me with those lifeless blue eyes as she tried to recall things she had never done. Suddenly she smiled at me. It was the coyest smile I ever saw on her.
"Yes. I see now. I understand everything."
"Everything?" I quizzed. The smile faded.
"Except your reaction. The shell was certain that you would be overjoyed when you found out. Now that you know you are more grief-stricken than ever."
"Fred knew?" I managed to rasp.
"Yes. She had only just found out the day that I entered her."
"You mean the day you killed her," I said darkly.
"Yes." There was a long silence during which time neither of us moved even an inch. I wondered what she would do with the child, both now and after it was born-if it was born.
"Are you going to keep the child?" She looked at me strangely.
"Why would I?" A sense of deep longing overcame me. I wanted to keep it so badly. The last piece of Fred in this world. A look of realisation came over Illyria, one which I didn't like the look of. "You know of a way in which I can terminate it, don't you?" I was speechless. "You do! Tell me!"
"No!" I cried. "I want you to keep it!"
"And if you wanted me to drive a car into a lamppost like Spike does every week, you think I would do it, simply because you wished it?"
"No. That not what I meant."
"Then what did you mean? Why should I keep it? To please you?" I couldn't think of anything to say. Nothing in my mind would convince her to keep it, or so I thought. I decided that there as only one shot, and that I had to take it. My tears were spilling freely now.
"Illyria...I can't make you keep it. But if you do, I will forgive you, or at least try to forgive you, for killing Fred."
"You are adapting to me already. I do not need to barter for you to adapt more quickly. It is inevitable."
"Illyria, please. I beg you." She said nothing, just gazed into my eyes with that distracted curiosity of hers that I had become so accustomed to. "If not for me or Fred, than for you."
"For me?" she asked sceptically.
"The baby is yours as well as mine. It's your body now. Please." That seemed to make her think. I held my breath, believing that my sanity rested on her decision. It was hard enough without Fred, but I think that loosing this baby now that I knew about it would be too much to handle.
"Mine..." she mumbled distantly. She placed a leather clad hand on her womb, or at least where it should have been. I wondered briefly how the child could live if all her organs had been liquefied, but I didn't really care. I was too amazed to pay much attention to small, pointless details like that. She looked up at me. "I've never had a child before. I think...I would like to have one. It will be interesting." In that moment, all my grief washed away. I had never been more relieved in my life. I did the only thing I could think of doing, which was to gather Illyria in my arms. I rested my head in her blue hair and squeezed. She remained rigid, but didn't protest. I crushed her as close to me as I could. I could feel her firm round belly come between us and I choked on another sob. Eventually I released her. She just stared at me with a perplexed look, saying nothing and asking nothing.
----------
Epilogue
As time went on, Illyria grew bigger. Her suit seemed to adjust far better than she did. She would complain of her discomfort constantly, and state on a daily basis that she didn't care about the child at all, but I could tell she was growing attached to it. She changed so little over these months, yet at the same time so much. It was the little things that showed me how she was coping. Very often I would find her sitting on the floor in the training room, legs crossed and eyes closed, and she would be analysing the baby in the same way she could analyse things by putting them in her mouth. She claimed she could feel every new cell which grew.
When I asked her why she paid such close attention to it, she said it was impossible not to.
As for Illyria and I, we grew closer. I could never love her the way I loved Fred, but I got used to her, and I relied on her, just as she relied on me.
When the day came for the baby to come out, Illyria was as close to panic as I've ever seen her. She didn't feel the pain the way a human would have, and for that I was glad. When she was handed a tiny baby girl, with large ice-blue eyes and sky blue hair, she was so unsure of what to do with it that I feared briefly that she would do nothing. However she took it in stride, and learned what to do.
We agreed that we would both raise her.
She looks so much like Fred that it's almost unreal. Of course, she is obviously the child of Illyria as well. Even though Fred is gone, and even though I miss her so much it hurts, with my daughter (who still hasn't been given a name) and Illyria around to remind me I still have family, it becomes bearable.
I can only hope that she doesn't turn out to be as self-centred as her mother.