I look up at the castle. We have approached it a lot in the past days, I wonder how we got here so quick. Eliwood is being extremely generous and staying with me in Ostia for a few days. I guess he feels some pity for me. Or maybe it's just he still misses his father. I envy him, he can outwardly show he misses someone. I can't. My brother is gone. But that small part of me believes he's still alive, that this is just a dream. I still believe I'll wake up to find him looking down at me scowling at me and telling me to get up. I want so much to see him still on the throne, waiting, and telling me it was just a mean joke.
I wish.
Eliwood is walking with me, acting a little distant at the moment. I just want to be alone to vent my anger. Lyn is here too. She's being really supportive of the whole thing. I can't show anyone how bad I feel, how this is tearing me up on the inside. And all I wish is that this was just a dream.
Oswin wants to show me something. He drags me behind him, telling Eliwood and Lyn not to follow. He takes me into the cemetery. 'Oh no' I think. I don't want to see this, I know what it is.
I see Leila's grave as we pass by, her name neatly engraved on the tombstone. It looks expensive... The grave is still fresh. There are flowers on it now, there were none before. Matthew must have passed by several times, the grass is beaten down around it. We continue on past her tombstone, to the section reserved for Ostia's deceased rulers. I shut my eyes and let Oswin guide me. We've stopped.
"Look, Hector. I know it's hard, but, you must see." I don't want to open my eyes but that curious side of me wants to see, and they slowly open.
I'm face to face with a fresh grave. My brother's grave.
I can feel my eyes welling up with tears. I want to cry but scream at myself that I can't cry. It works, the tears are drying up. I promise I'll mourn you soon brother, when I'm alone.
I must have that blank expression on my face, Oswin is watching me. Thank god he knows me well, or he'd be asking me why I'm not doing anything. I think he senses the tenseness in the air, he tells me that we're returning to the castle. I freeze in place, I don't want to leave yet but instead I etch a perfect picture in my mind of the area and walk away.
I'm shivering, must be the autumn breeze.
We enter the castle to find Eliwood and Lyn waiting.
"I'm hungry, isn't it mealtime yet?" I ask to Oswin. He seemed surprised at my remark.
"I'll go see." Oswin left.
"I have to go check on Florina. Bye!" Lyn rushes off for some reason. She has a hidden agenda, I know it. There was some other reason for her leaving.
"So, you saw Lord Uther's grave?" Eliwood asks me. I see the tears pricking at his eyes. He looks so sad, so pitiful. I understand what he's feeling. He lost his father not that long ago, and I've lost.... well I've lost everything.
I nod yes.
"Can.... can you show me?" I freeze and I know my eyes shot open at that question. I can feel my face pale and my legs grow weak. I turn and struggle to walk out the gate. Eliwood is following me.
We walk in silence the whole way. I make my way past Leila's grave and up the small hill to that reserved place in the cemetery. I stop, face to face with his grave again. Eliwood is staring at it. I look down and see his hand grasping mine. He knew my brother well, but I never expected him to be so torn up about it. Tears are slowly falling from his eyes.
I feel the tears prick at my own and am hardly able to hold them back. I manage though, through the pain. Just like with my parents. My parents....
--
I'm looking at a scribbled message. Two messages, actually. One from mom, one from dad.
Happy birthday Hector! Love mom.
Happy birthday, son! Dad.
Two scribbled messages that mean the world to me right now. Memories of my birthday flood my mind, especially the first thing I saw that morning. I woke up when I felt a weight drop on me, my eyes shot open and I was face to face with Uther.
"Happy birthday little brother!!" I smile, despite my rage that I had been woken up so early. He jumps off my bed and myself and just stands next to my bed. He expect me to get up. Well he can forget it!
"'morning Uther." I sit up and glance at him. My mind is not up to its usual level of functioning yet. "Why'd you wake me up so early..."
"I wanted to say happy birthday, is that so wrong? How old are you now, thirteen?"
"Yes. And yes I am thirteen." I study his face. One thing I hate is that he's a morning person. I'm not. My eyes fall on that horrible scar on his face. If I remember correctly I was the reason he got that scar. It's still red, despite the fact it's about 3 months he'd had it.
"Oh, mom and dad sent this message from Ethruria. Seeya downstairs for breakfast, and cake!" He runs out the door and it slams shut behind him. He's so childish when we're alone. He's what, twenty years old? I'm thirteen and there's seven years between us so, yeah, he's twenty. Wow.
I'm pulled back to reality and the scribbled messages by the door creaking open. Acutely, my birthday was three months ago as I recall it.
Uther comes in and closes the door quietly. He leans against it, I think it's to make sure no one comes in. He looks so.... depressed. This is really not like him...
"Hector...." His voice is choked. He doesn't need to speak, the tears say more than he ever could. I hug my arms tightly around him, my head only coming up to his chest. I can feel him crying.
"It's mom, isn't it?" I ask. Our father had died not more than three days ago. He nods. I want to cry too, but the door is slung open. One of our guardsmen is standing there, looking at Uther questioningly.
I remember being so scared.
"Leave us alone!!" He slams the door shut so hard the door cracks down the center. I think the fright of seeing an outburst like that is what stopped me from crying. I was to scared to cry. My brother was not violent, he never even got mad.
And now our parents are dead.
--
I can't help it. I can't.
I fall to my knees and let loose my anguish. My whole body is shuddering with the heaves. I can hear my voice, it's choked and raspy. Eliwood falls next to me and cries with me. We're holding each other and I feel so weak. Hot tears are running down my cheeks. There's a ball of fire in my chest, a hole in my heart.
I do the only thing I can; I run. I leave Eliwood there, but he'll understand. I pass Leila's grave, then the gate, up the stairs and into Uther's room. I bury my face in his pillow and cry like I never cried before. I inhale deeply. His scent is still here. It's just like he was standing next to me. I can feel my body rocking as I heave again. Crying is so fatiguing.
What am I supposed to do without you, brother? I don't know what to do. Everyone has someone waiting for them when they come home except me. I'm alone. I don't want to be alone. I want someone, no I want you Uther! My body feels so weak now. My face is berried deep in his pillow. I can't stop the tears, they won't let up. But for some reason that I don't know, I don't want to stop crying.
It was Rebecca that found me, I think. I was careless enough to leave the door open.
"Lord Hector?" I turn my head to see the young archer standing there, obviously worried. I don't think she knows.
"What?" I know I should be nicer, but I'm not exactly cheery right now. My voice is still raspy and choked.
"Are you ok? You don't cry easily...." I want to throw a book at her or something. I guess she doesn't know. Through sobs I manage to articulate the words. I have to concentrate now so my words don't come out twisted with my quivering voice.
"My brother died." I check to see her reaction. Funny, she paled.
"Oh.... My brother ran away from home." She sounds sympathetic. I don't want sympathy I want Uther!! I nod to her and re-berry my face in the pillow, already wet with tears. I can feel her little hand rubbing my back. She's kind.... I fall into sleep quickly, I'm so fatigued.
--
I open my eyes lazily to see the sun glaring at me, it's bright cheeriness a complete contrast to my mood. It must be about three in the afternoon. I ask myself what I'm doing in Uther's room, and then I remember. I stand up sluggishly and turn to the window, looking out over Ostia, a view we'd both come to love.
I see his journal on the night stand. Funny, I feel a compelling desire to read it. No, I can't. It's an invasion of privacy. But he's dead after all. I pick up the book against my better judgement and thumb through the entries until I find the last one. He must have written a few dozen pages in this journal, might be more journals lying around somewhere.
Ah, here it is. It dates to the same day he died. I really shouldn't be doing this....
October 5
This is it. I can feel it, I can't even get out of bed. My body is so weak I can hardly write. I should have told Hector before he left. At least then I cold have died in peace, knowing he would not be too mad at me. I'm sorry I'm leaving him like this but I can't help it. I'm leaving him with nothing and yet everything. I'm his only family and I'm about to die. Yet I'm leaving him with the weight of a nation on his shoulders. I'm sorry little brother. I would give anything to see him again. What I hate the most about this is that I die in torment. I never said goodbye to Hector and I'm tormented about it. He is going to be so angry with me... I shouldn't have been such a stubborn fool! If I would have just been kinder to him I could have told him....
It ends there. What bothers me now is that the last two words are so scribbled it took me a while to decifer them. He must have died with the pen in his hand. Now I feel horrible; my brother was so tormented over not saying goodbye. I voice my anger to myself and I really have no clue why.
"Why did I leave home?!" I yell. "I should have stayed... If it wasn't for wanting to help Eliwood so badly I could have recognized the signs that he was.... he was dying..... and I didn't even see it! What kind of a brother am I?!" I sob into the soft blankets of the bed. I seem to have a thing for crying since yesterday. I don't notice the footsteps behind me until a hand falls on my shoulder.
I gaze up to see Lyn staring down into my eyes. Her Sacaen eyes are striking, like they can read the soul. I must look like a helpless child, kneeling on the floor, Uther's journal in one hand, the other gripping the blanket so tightly my knuckles are turning white. My eyes are red, I know it.
Lyn kneels next to me. She turns her gaze to the journal in my hand. I don't want anyone else reading it so I shut it tightly and deposit it into my pocket. I return my gaze to Lyn's furtively.
"We were worried when you didn't show up for dinner, so Eliwood sent me up to give you your food." She pointed to the plate on the night stand. To say the truth, I didn't feel much like eating. I suddenly noticed the softness in Lyn's voice I had never heard before; it was like that of a mother, so much like my own mother's soft voice that she only used when I was ill.
"Thanks." I think really hard but can't find anything else to say to her.
"What was he like, your brother??" Why is everyone asking me questions about him? Maybe talking about it can calm my mind, ease my soul. I take a deep breath and try to remember a time way back when we didn't argue so much, when Uther wasn't Marquess, when life was....
...simple.
SniperR: Yes, there ARE changes, trust me.
R & R, please no flames.
Hector: ;-; sniff