Chapter 3: But I like Jam!
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[The dreaded Spaceball Won is pursuing HMFS (That's "her majesty's flying ship", for those of you who were too stupid to guess.) On the main deck, Ivan is preparing to capture princess Mia.]
Picard: The Princess will be in range in about 5 seconds, sir.
Ivan: Excellent. Fire a warning shot, across her nose!
[Cut to: space]
[Spaceball Won opens fire on HMFS. The laser blasts barely miss the ship, and are coming a little too close, even for a warning shot.]
[Cut to: Interior of HMFS]
Mia: What the hell is that?
Jenna: Someone is trying to kill us!
Mia: Duh!
[Cut to: Spaceball Won, main deck]
Ivan: Stop! I said across her nose, not UP it!
Phil: Sorry sir.
Ivan: Who made that man a gunner?
Random Major: I did, sir! He's my cousin!
Ivan: Who is he?
Picard: He's an asshole sir.
Ivan: I know that! What's his name!
Picard: That IS his name. Asshole. Major Asshole.
Ivan: And his cousin?
Picard: He's an asshole too. Private, first class Phillip Asshole.
Ivan: How many Assholes do I have on this ship?
[The entire crew, except for Ivan and Picard stands up and yells-
Crew: Yo!
-They sit back down. Ivan looks stunned.]
Ivan: I knew it! I'm surrounded by Assholes!
[His mask slams down]
Ivan: Keep firing, Assholes!
[Cut to: Ragnarok 5]
[Through the window, we can see Spaceball Won fire a magnetic beam at HMFS. It latches on and begins to draw it in.]
Isaac: Crap! We're too late. They've already got a magnetic beam on her! I'll just turn us around and we'll get out of here!
Garet: Jenna is on that ship too, you know.
Isaac: Good point.
Garet: The only problem is that as soon as we go in there, they'll spot us on radar!
Isaac: Not if we Jam it!
Garet: But I like jam! Use the jelly instead!
Isaac: Um. . . sure.
[Cut to: Spaceball Won radar]
[We see a giant jar fly towards the radar dish. It has the word "Jam" written on it, but it was scratched out and "Jelly" was written on hastily. The jar smashes into the radar, and spills Jelly all over the place.]
[Cut to: Spaceball Won main deck]
[We see the radar person (Played by Sheba). The screen goes fuzzy.]
Sheba: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhit.
[She picks up the intercom]
Sheba: [intercom voice] Sir!
Ivan: What?
Sheba: [still intercom voice] Can you come over here? Sir?
Ivan: Fine.
[Ivan and Picard walk over to stand next to Sheba.]
Ivan: What is it?
Sheba: [still using the intercom] We're having trouble with the radar, sir.
Picard: You don't need that, private, we're right here. [Hangs up the intercom.]
Sheba: [without intercom, but still intercom voice] We're having trouble with the radar sir.
[Ivan rips out the intercom and throws it across the room]
Sheba: [normal voice] We're having trouble with the radar, sir.
Picard: I guessed. What's the problem?
Sheba: Well, I've lost the bleeps, the sweeps, and I've lost the creeps!
Ivan: The what?
Picard: The what?
Ivan: And the what?
Sheba: You know. . . the bleeps: [bleep sound], the sweeps: [sweep sound] and the creeps: [creep sound]
Ivan: That's not all she's lost.
Sheba: Ahem.
Ivan: How could you have heard that?
Sheba: I didn't.
Ivan: Stupid mind-read.
Sheba: It's the radar, sir. It appears to be. . . jammed. . . er. . . jellied.
Ivan: Jellied, eh?
[Ivan tastes the jelly that is now crawling down the radar screen.]
Ivan: Raspberry. . . only one man would DARE give me the raspberry. . .
[Ivan begins stepping towards the camera, giving a zoom-in effect]
Ivan: ISAAC!
[Ivan crashes into the camera, and falls out flat. The rest of the crew pay no attention.]
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Hit the pretty button and review!
[The dreaded Spaceball Won is pursuing HMFS (That's "her majesty's flying ship", for those of you who were too stupid to guess.) On the main deck, Ivan is preparing to capture princess Mia.]
Picard: The Princess will be in range in about 5 seconds, sir.
Ivan: Excellent. Fire a warning shot, across her nose!
[Cut to: space]
[Spaceball Won opens fire on HMFS. The laser blasts barely miss the ship, and are coming a little too close, even for a warning shot.]
[Cut to: Interior of HMFS]
Mia: What the hell is that?
Jenna: Someone is trying to kill us!
Mia: Duh!
[Cut to: Spaceball Won, main deck]
Ivan: Stop! I said across her nose, not UP it!
Phil: Sorry sir.
Ivan: Who made that man a gunner?
Random Major: I did, sir! He's my cousin!
Ivan: Who is he?
Picard: He's an asshole sir.
Ivan: I know that! What's his name!
Picard: That IS his name. Asshole. Major Asshole.
Ivan: And his cousin?
Picard: He's an asshole too. Private, first class Phillip Asshole.
Ivan: How many Assholes do I have on this ship?
[The entire crew, except for Ivan and Picard stands up and yells-
Crew: Yo!
-They sit back down. Ivan looks stunned.]
Ivan: I knew it! I'm surrounded by Assholes!
[His mask slams down]
Ivan: Keep firing, Assholes!
[Cut to: Ragnarok 5]
[Through the window, we can see Spaceball Won fire a magnetic beam at HMFS. It latches on and begins to draw it in.]
Isaac: Crap! We're too late. They've already got a magnetic beam on her! I'll just turn us around and we'll get out of here!
Garet: Jenna is on that ship too, you know.
Isaac: Good point.
Garet: The only problem is that as soon as we go in there, they'll spot us on radar!
Isaac: Not if we Jam it!
Garet: But I like jam! Use the jelly instead!
Isaac: Um. . . sure.
[Cut to: Spaceball Won radar]
[We see a giant jar fly towards the radar dish. It has the word "Jam" written on it, but it was scratched out and "Jelly" was written on hastily. The jar smashes into the radar, and spills Jelly all over the place.]
[Cut to: Spaceball Won main deck]
[We see the radar person (Played by Sheba). The screen goes fuzzy.]
Sheba: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhit.
[She picks up the intercom]
Sheba: [intercom voice] Sir!
Ivan: What?
Sheba: [still intercom voice] Can you come over here? Sir?
Ivan: Fine.
[Ivan and Picard walk over to stand next to Sheba.]
Ivan: What is it?
Sheba: [still using the intercom] We're having trouble with the radar, sir.
Picard: You don't need that, private, we're right here. [Hangs up the intercom.]
Sheba: [without intercom, but still intercom voice] We're having trouble with the radar sir.
[Ivan rips out the intercom and throws it across the room]
Sheba: [normal voice] We're having trouble with the radar, sir.
Picard: I guessed. What's the problem?
Sheba: Well, I've lost the bleeps, the sweeps, and I've lost the creeps!
Ivan: The what?
Picard: The what?
Ivan: And the what?
Sheba: You know. . . the bleeps: [bleep sound], the sweeps: [sweep sound] and the creeps: [creep sound]
Ivan: That's not all she's lost.
Sheba: Ahem.
Ivan: How could you have heard that?
Sheba: I didn't.
Ivan: Stupid mind-read.
Sheba: It's the radar, sir. It appears to be. . . jammed. . . er. . . jellied.
Ivan: Jellied, eh?
[Ivan tastes the jelly that is now crawling down the radar screen.]
Ivan: Raspberry. . . only one man would DARE give me the raspberry. . .
[Ivan begins stepping towards the camera, giving a zoom-in effect]
Ivan: ISAAC!
[Ivan crashes into the camera, and falls out flat. The rest of the crew pay no attention.]
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Hit the pretty button and review!