The Letter

by Irish Pixie

Remus writes a letter to Sirius after his death, as the doctor said it was a good way of dealing with his pain and loss.

The Letter

By: Irish Pixie

Summary: Remus writes a letter to Sirius after his death, as the doctor said it was a good way of dealing with his pain and loss.

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"Do you know why you're here Remus?" came that voice, that calm voice that sounded like the calling-

"Cause I was forced to" said Remus cheekily and the grief councilor sighed; Rebecca Anderson was her name, 28 year old, female, blonde, hot, and totally into Remus but he was just to blind by his best friends' death to see

"You know Remus you cannot start the process of healing until you forgive and clearly that is not happening" said Rebecca as she twirled her pen between her forefingers

"What is there to forgive, Doc? Sirius is dead, gone nothing more – so how am I supposed to forgive that?" asked Remus as he leaned back against the cushioned couch. Ever since Sirius Black, his now dead best friend, fell threw the arch in the department of mysteries things hadn't gone too well.

Firstly, there was that idiotic Fudge who had finally let the rest of the world in on Voldemort being back after what? A year – then he chose to resign, saying Dumbledore could deal with it.

Of course matters were more complicated then that, cause there had to be an election and everything- which they had Diggory in the running along with a Nott [a death eater] and Dolores Jane Umbridge. And then there was Weasley – but due to past events he was sure not to win the running at all. So their bets were on Diggory. And that took a lot of persuading on the orders' half cause they all wanted one of their men in on the matters.

So to sum it all up let's just say things were going 'too' well .........

Next, With Sirius death and all there was a lot of everything to do. Harry had been left with everything and the poor boy was probably having the hardest time dealing – he had already been to the grief councilor and to a therapist, cause he had some "past issues" to solve with his inner self. And all that mo jo

Then there was the matter with the supreme court, as Harry little "saving the world expedition" caused quite a lot of technical difficulties, and much more that was still being uncovered – three months after.

And to just say this whole little episode was getting tiring of reliving and Remus was just tired of it, tried of living, tried of everything

"I am afraid, Remus that is something that only you can answer" said Rebecca softly as she brought him out of his thoughts

"I don't need your help you know, I'm perfectly fine- I just missed a couple days of work" said Remus stubbornly as he folded his arms across his chest and looked at Rebecca crossly

"Yes, I'm sure you're fine Remus, I never doubted you for a second" said Rebecca

"Great so I'm cured? Right, I can go then? "Asked Remus and Rebecca shook her head

"Afraid not, Dumbledore has ordered you here and you can not leave until he thinks you are well again "said Rebecca

"Bloody hell- Dumbledore's in on this, what else are you not telling me?" shouted Remus angrily but the blonde just chose to ignore his tone of voice – probably cause she was used to all of this from tears to anger and probably even some curses were sent her way over the years. But in the end she always got threw

"How about you tell me why you tried to jump out of a building window and I'll tell you everything I know" said Rebecca, she had her pen and pad of paper in use as she took note of everything Remus said or how he acted

"I rather not" said Remus

"Very well, will come back to that matter so why were you carrying a suitcase with you?" asked Rebecca and Remus was silent

"Okay Remus, for today I want you to write in the journal I gave you okay, feel free to write anything. No one will be reading it- it's just so you can write down what ever your thinking, maybe this way we can get you to open up so you can express your thoughts and feelings" said Rebecca as she handed him a black book that was just like Tom Riddle's diary, and a quill

"Does this mean I get to go?" asked Remus dully

"Yes Remus, but remember to come back on Thursday," said Rebecca and Remus stood immediately as he picked up his bag and threw the journal and quill in. Hell if would actually use that damned thing

"I heard that Remus" said Rebecca as she had he back turned to him and was clearing her office for the next patient- Remus had to hand it to her listening to all those people wine about there problems had to be rather tiring. He knew if it were he, he would pop the guy one or two.

"Good Bye Rebecca" said Remus as he avoided her comment and left, well Rebecca smirked as a crying old widow who had just lost her husband came in. Immediately she grabbed for the tissues and so another long hour started .........

&&&

It was late and Remus had just come in from the pub, drinking again – usually he would of stayed longer but in the past three months he became sober really fast so he could drink more and thus he was cut off even faster – sucked to be a talented alcoholic

Looking around the front entrance he saw the Black house, that he and Harry now lived in and he tried to stumble up the stairs where is Dobby or Winky for that matter anyways?

He then heard a scream from the third floor – where Harry was living in Sirius old room [Sirius orders] he now understood where the house elves were, they were helping Harry with his nightmares again

Don't get him wrong usually he'd be up there in a flash but now- since Harry had them occurring every single god damned night, he got tried of running to be the parent.

I guess he kinda just gave up, but now a days nothing seemed worth living it was all so slow, as if his life could shatter any possible second and he wouldn't be able to do nothing about it

But it didn't really matter anymore

None at all,

Finally reaching his room on the first floor he swung open the door to be consumed by the darkness, but he liked it. Kicking off his shoes he stumbled to the bed loosing half his clothes along the way. Smiling he fell over landing face first into the feather mattress bed. It was just like a board and with the tiniest push he collapsed

He giggled as he just lay; okay maybe he wasn't so sober right now

"Mr. Remus, I not feeling so well?" asked Winky as she stood above him

"Wink – that you?" asked Remus and Winky wrinkled her nose at the smell waffling from his breath

"It is I Winky, sir- not Wink Mr. Remus" corrected Winky, ever since she and Dobby had been hanging out with Harry and Hermione who had undoubtedly gotten together- they had taught the elves to be independent minds where they could sing, dance even read when ever they wanted to as long as they weren't disrespectful to others.

And though for Dobby is was like shooting fish in a barrel but of Winky for her to speak up was the hardest thing that one could think to imagine. But in the end it all worked out. Well not for Remus that is cause whenever he was drunk and made a little mistake [what the hey he's drunk] they would correct him rather annoying actually and then there was this new house elf Dusty. And her twin brother Oddball

They were the worst – Oddy [as they called him] loved to play the piano but wasn't so well yet, so in the morning when in came Remus' killer hangover it was enough to drive someone to St. Mungo's.

And then Dusty she liked to sing, and she was good except her favourites were hitting all those high notes- talk about a migraine then there was Dobby and his socks and Winky and her reading or painting or what ever – see now he was an unhappy drunk

"Whatever – could you please cast a sobering charm or something I will like to get up and do something else" said Remus and Winky frowned but did so

"Anything else Mr. Remus?" asked Winky

"No thank you- uh how's Harry?" asked Remus as he sat up massaging his head- the room was still I little dark, but he found Winky had set a fire

"Master Harry is gravely ill- he wishes to stay here but the Mr. And Mrs.' says he must leave to that place again" said Winky as she looked down to the ground

"That bad eh? Well send him my regards," said Remus as he stood and stretched, he new he was being totally out of line, but he really needed to do something else. And besides Harry was a big boy now. [Or maybe he just didn't want to see his new Godson suffer]

Winky eyes shone with tears "Master Harry wants to see you, but he said if you were busy then to leave Mr. Remus be"

"Well then leave" said Remus as he looked away, he hated to see crying beings much less house elves

"Dobby is going with Master Harry this time, cause master can not live without his house elves, Winky is good house elf so she will stay to serve Mr. Remus, sir" said Winky quietly

And Remus got the hint that she rather be with Dobby and the others at St. Mungo's

"That isn't necessary Winky, I can fend for myself" said Remus as he pulled out the black journal from his bag, his name had seemed to magically appear on the cover

"Excuse me, sirs but Master Harry has ordered me, and he does not so often. Especially when he is ill – he thinks of you "so do not worry Master Potter Mr. Remus will be fine" Winky said to Master but he made sure I stay- Master is very thoughtful and will always look after his family" said Winky and Remus sighed

"Okay Whatever I get it Winky- you're staying, Harry's leaving now GO" yelled Remus as he slammed the journal onto the desk making a loud noise that Winky jumped.

Though Remus back was still turned away from the house elf he could just picture her tennis ball like eyes watering with hurt, she hated it when people disrespected her master. And usually when Remus was in this mood he did that. Maybe he was walloping in self-pity or he was jealous of Harry cause he got every single thing that belonged to Sirius, even all the things from back in the Marauders days. And he knew that what he had become, a bitter old man and was effecting everyone – had a sense of irony to it too cause wasn't Snape supposed to play that role? As you all know as a schoolboy Snape was played as the antagonist while the Marauders were the protagonists. So shouldn't is be the good guys to live happily ever after and not Snape?

Ah well that was just another mind bottling mystery, one he didn't really feel like solving [at this particular moment]

He must have not heard her leaving but when he turned Winky was nowhere in sight, not that he cared but he did feel a little guilty. Frowning he looked back down the book, it seemed to be just calling his name, sitting there like it belonged

Finally he gave in and cleared off the desk that had all of Sirius will papers and such on the surface. Then he headed over to the cabinet where he took out a couple bottles of Fire Whisky. Before he popped one open and sat in the chair. The open journal in front of him, a quill in hand, along with a bottle of Whisky in the other

He smiled as he lifted the bottle to his mouth- the smooth liquid seeped threw his lips and downwards, the swishing burned against his lungs. Though some might not find joy or any emotion in the taste of alcohol – he found it exhilarating and the smell was soothing but also thrilling. And drove his thirst

Clearing his mind he closed his eyes- the whisky must of all ready be taking place cause there was only one clear thing he saw. Sirius and so he began his letter that would surely be one of regrets, sorrow, emotions and the lesson of how to deal and forgive...............

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Sirius,

How my heart aches

Wishing you were here,

Instead of there

To say good night by our letters dawn,

To greet hello in a place forlorn

Sirius, art thy thou Sirius

Where could you be?

Where have you gone?

Are you even thinking of me?

Or was it all a game

Sirius, I would sell my soul

To take your place I just hope you know

And hear my prayer to the lord above

Wherever you are, know you were loved

You filled the hole that was cut deep

The gash that broke my heart

When the world ostracized me

And then you came,

The sun always shone brighter when you were near

Rainy clouds, disintegrated to thin air

My best friend till the end

Along with Lily and James

You always have been there from when we were kids

And you punched out Malfoy

For being the jerk he is

And I'm so sorry

For the sins I've caused, for all these years I thought you were the traitor

When Peter really was

'He's a pigheaded jerk' I could hear you saying

And I would remind you that he was once our friend.

But I now share your hate

Your death changed that

When you walked out on me

And him,

Up to our dead best friends'.........

So how's heaven this time of year

Or is it lovely all around?

Are the clouds really cotton candy?

Have you met new people?

And what about lily?

What about James?

Is her hair still the brightest red? Are her eyes still the evergreen?

Is James still the troublemaker or has lily finally put him straight?

So how is heaven, would you give it up for anything more?

Say to perhaps come back home, down to earth

Where you're needed.

Harry misses you,

I hear him cry in his sleep

Calling for you

He really loved you, you know

And he blames himself,

And I think he is having the hardest time of us all

At your funeral he threw himself on your grave

He cried for hours,

As if his tears would change back time and take you back

I give him a ten for effort

He's tried absolutely everything,

From Nearly headless nick

To the two way mirror

He now spends hours in the library

He's determined to get you back,

And he won't stop until he does.

Weather he upsets the gods or not,

I don't really think he gives a damn

So I just thought I'd let you in on how much you're missed

But not just by Harry but by everyone and me

Me,

I miss you Sirius

So much it hurts

I sometimes look at Harry and think I'm seeing you

But I dare not say to his face

Poor boy just got out of the hospital

Had another breakdown at the Dursley's

At this rate, Voldemort will have him in perfect target range

That's why you need to be here

If not for me

Then for Harry

Your Godson

You said you failed once before and swore you would never again

Then come back now, you quitter

I hate you for doing this

I hate you for lying to Harry

I hate you for leaving

I just hate you

From your guts to your stupid shaggy hair

God Damnit now that you're dead and have all the time in the world,

You better get a hair cut, Sirius Black

You better, and shape up some to

All that time in Azkaban really affected you

Bastard of a git,

- Damn running out of fire whisky

Oh well I got a couple butter beers -

You know my doctor said to forgive is the first key in the process of healing

But I don't think I could do that just yet

No I just can't

But I can say I'm sorry

I know I'm sorry

For deep down inside

It was my betrayal that caused you to die

Maybe that's why I'm so bitter

Cause you're dead and I'm alive

Harsh words isn't

But it's the truth, the hard cold truth

D-E-A-D-

See how I can so easily write it; I can say it as well too

Sirius is deadddddddddd

Has a nice little ring to it too eh?

Though I cannot forgive, and I will never forget

I will care for Harry and make you proud

Cause you brought a smile to my face

When those cloudy days were about

When you were alive, that is

I'm afraid now I just cry

So I'll repay the dept, I solemnly swear

As the last of the marauders

To Sirius Black,

From Remus Lupin

Fiends forever,

Buddies for life

The best of chums

And now I think I'm finally ready to say goodbye.........

&&&

Putting down his pen, Remus Lupin wiped away any remaining tears as he pushed aside the empty bottles of Fire Whisky and reached for and envelope

Now maybe he wasn't in his right state of mind or was just plain drunk but he sealed the letter before he headed over to the window. The moon shone brightly as a quarter and he sighed, the painful memories as a schoolboy of all the marauders running about in the forbidden forest, shot threw his head

Who would run with him now?

Who would stay up late nights baking cookies as their secret talent?

Who would be there to watch James and Lily's son grow with him now, who had been there from the beginning? Cause hell with it if it was Peter, the sniveling traitor

Sighing he looked back down onto the small rectangular envelope that seemed to glow off a separate essence- where in big black print was the two words that Remus spoke of so often

Sirius Black

His heart ached all over, and for a second he considered taking it back, but he had already gone so far. Nodded in agreement with his inner self, Remus Lupin- the last of the famous Marauders ripped open the shudder window. The wind like a suction cup and nipped at Remus' face trying to pull him out.

And he seriously thought of jumping the four stories high at number twelve Grimmauld Place but instead he raised his hand, gripping the wooden frame that surrounded the window

And dropped the letter. He watched as it plummeted downwards, before the wind picked up and carried it away. Towards Heaven, towards Sirius

Good bye old friend

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Author's Note

Now there my friends is a good ending sorry my big ego kicks in sometimes out of the blue. So yeah hope you like and I know it's short but oh well, the last chapter isn't so long either- but yet again this isn't meant to be a long story

Till next time

– Irish Pixie