Title: Conversations with Cordelia Chase
Summary: What would happen if Cordy came back after "Not Fade Away" to tell each of the guys they'd screwed up major big time.
Author's Notes: I know, another post-"Note Fade Away". Cordelia has a conversation with each of her boys, Wesley, Gunn and Angel. She doesn't have one with Spike because, hey, he hadn't earned his stripes to be a member of the team until the very end. What would have been the one thing that would bind them together and make them fight together again? And how many of you believed that crazy doctor when he said that Fred's soul was gone? You would think they'd have more sense than that. Taking Cordelia off was probably one of the most stupid things that Joss has ever done (sorry I know, money issues with WB and Fox). It's four chapters so far. Don't know how many more. We'll see how many reviews I get. If I don't get any, that's fine. Just read and enjoy. Comments if you can.
Rating: PG—mostly for a little language, no violence for now
Disclaimer: I wish I did, but I don't. Joss is a genius, at least most of the time.
Chapter One -- Wesley
"No man can be happy without a friend, nor be sure of his friend till he is unhappy."—Thomas Fuller
"What in hell did you think you were doing? Taking on that creepy guy with just a fireball," Cordelia shrieked at Wesley when she first saw him. "You really thought you could beat him?"
Wesley shook his head, not realizing why on earth she was yelling at him. It was over, done with. He'd lost. Game over.
She punched him hard in the arm and he almost fell over. She packed a wallop of a punch even though she'd been dead for quite some time. So why'd it hurt? Were things supposed to hurt where he had ended up?
"Cordy, I know you're angry with me."
"Damn straight. After I gave that vision to Angel, of course almost getting in deep doo-doo with the PTBs for doing that, I thought that the three of you would have a plan. Not go off all half-cocked and macho. What were you thinking? Oh, that's right. You weren't." She hit him again.
They were in Cordy's old apartment, standing in the kitchen. All of a sudden, after the searing pain of the knife had stopped, Wesley ended up standing next to Cordelia in her kitchen. Was this heaven or hell?
"Cordy, will you stop hitting me for one instant and tell me what in blazes is going on?" He tried to use his serious voice on her, but he could see the tears welling up in her eyes.
"Why I even try is beyond me. And here I sacrificed everything for the three of you for each of you to screw it up royally. You were the man with the plan, remember? Gunn was the guy who you could count on not going out and getting himself killed because he was such a great fighter, and Angel, he was always there to make sure it all came out right. He's the one who never sacrificed any of the team just to win. No one did what they were supposed to do."
No one had been doing what he or she was supposed to do ever since they'd taken on Wolfram and Hart's deal. No, even before that. Probably when he'd taken Connor away and lost him to Holtz. That's when everything fell apart. Before then, they'd been a family.
"I should have been there. I should have stayed." Cordy leaned into Wesley just like she'd done so many times before when things were tough. "You weren't supposed to be here. Not like this, not now."
Wesley stroked a hand down her back to try and comfort her. He didn't think it would work, but, hey after a knife in the gut and dying with the face of Fred floating before him, a little comforting for someone else was much more preferable.
"It happened. I'm sorry that it didn't work out the way you thought . . . "
"It never does because you never listen. You never talk to me, like we used to."
That was true, Wesley knew. They never had really talked after Connor disappeared. Wesley hadn't tried to explain to Cordelia what had really happened, nor had she asked. They were never close again. That pained his heart to see that Cordy had really missed it.
"Things change. We never got the chance."
"Well, now buddy, we'll have all the time in the world. And just so you know, it wouldn't have worked."
Wesley shook his head. Cordy did have the ability to jump between subjects, while most people just barely kept up. Sometimes it took him hours to realize what she might be saying. Probably came from him not quite understanding the female of the species.
"Fred. Wouldn't have worked." Cordy waved her arms in front of his face. "You would have gotten your memories back about Connor and she would have dropped you like a hot potato."
"How dare you? You don't know anything about Fred and myself."
"Oh yeah. Well, what's Fred's favorite color? Or her favorite book? No wait, scratch that, she told you when she was dying. Her favorite time of day? What she liked to do on her time off? Bet you can't answer any of them."
Wesley moved off in the opposite direction of Cordelia into her living room. Living room, what a misnomer right then. Neither one of them lived any more. He sat down on her sofa, dejected. He couldn't save Cordy or Fred from their fates. Why was she beating up on him now?
"I didn't know any of those things, Cordelia. But I did love her." Didn't she understand that?
"I know you did. But you put her on a pedestal. Treated her like she could do no wrong. Eventually she would have slapped you down. Do you realize that? Come on, speaking from experience here. Women don't like puppy dogs as boyfriends."
"Puppy dogs. What on earth are you talking about? She was the love of my life. How can you say those things?"
Cordy put her hands on her hips, like she knew you'd say that and she had the perfect comeback. Which she usually did. He sort of knew what was coming. Had thought about it so hard over the last couple of months, after Fred had died and been inhabited by Illyria. The drinking and the madness hadn't removed the thought from his brain, although he had tried so hard to forget.
"Love maybe. Ideal probably. In the real world, nope. She wasn't a person to you. She was your ideal girl. Perfect in every way. She was smart, cute, friendly, no family issues. Everything you weren't. So of course you were attracted to her."
So Cordy didn't think he was smart, or cute or friendly. He knew he had the most dysfunctional family around, but her opinions on the other things did count. She didn't like him anymore. He just hoped that he didn't have to spend the rest of his dead life with her harping on his faults, something that he'd had to do when he was living.
"OK, that didn't come out right. You are the smartest guy I know, plus big blue eyes, the girls really like that. You could use some work on the friendly issue, OK. Just being honest on that one."
Maybe she was right. Fred was his ideal. Considering all of his other blunders, how could he have gone wrong with Fred. Life sucked. The afterlife sucked too.
"Let's go through your other girlfriends, shall we?"
"What, you want to take another knife and stick it in my gut?"
Cordy winced at that statement. Failure all around. She sat down with him and took his hands in hers.
"That's not what I mean. You know me. I just want you to get past some of this. We have a job to do, so if you don't get past it, it won't work."
There she went again. Cryptic as ever. Sometimes he wondered if he should have written a book on how to decipher Cordelia Chase-speak. Probably would have been a best seller.
"OK first, there's me. Didn't quite work out the way you had wanted it to, did it? Then, there was Buffy. Didn't want to listen to you no matter what you had to say. Faith, we could write volumes on that one. Never knew whether she wanted to torture you or jump your bones. Virginia, what a mistake. Lilah, the evil lawyer-bitch she was. Just gives me chills, you know. Who else can we add to the list?"
"That's quite enough Cordy." All of his failures for him to see flashing before his eyes. Why did his friends have to hurt him so much.
"What I'm trying to say is that compared to all of these women, Fred was a walk in the park. You like strong women, right?"
There seemed to be a pattern that Cordy was trying to connect the dots with, but he wasn't seeing it. "I haven't really thought about it that much."
"Every single woman you were attracted to could kick your butt, do you know that?
He narrowed his eyes at her. "You really think you could take me on?"
"Well, when you were Watcher Boy, yeah, I probably could have kicked your butt back then. Not now, mind you, Gun Boy and all. Each of these women is independent and strong. And each time they kicked your butt, if sometimes only figuratively. Then comes along Winifred Burkle. Someone you could protect and take care of. Is that what you really wanted? Someone just like yourself."
"You're wrong about her. She was independent and strong. You just didn't see it. I could see it."
"Yeah. What's that line in Shakespeare about protesting too much. She needed to learn how to stand on her own two feet, but none of you would let her. The three of you smothered her. She was just growing into it, when you decided that you'd go after her again. Didn't realize that she didn't need another man in her life right then?"
"What do you know about relationships? How many did you have?"
"Hey, it's quality, not quantity. You didn't need a woman to define you, OK? That's what I'm trying to get you to see. Wesley, you're fine just the way you are. And until you see that, no women. Because I need all of your attention right now, not all of your baggage."
"Cordelia, this is the strangest conversation I have ever had with you. Will you bloody well please tell me what is going on?"
"OK, OK. Mister I-have-to-know-everything-right-this-moment. You remember when that weirdo doctor told you guys that Fred's soul was gone, poofed. Well, he was wrong."
"What? How do you know?"
"I'm sitting right here, right now talking to you, buster. That's how I know. Get a clue. We have so much work to do."
Cordy got up to pace back and forth. She looked exactly like the way she did that last day they all saw her. Beautiful, ready for a fight. Ready to take on the world. He had to believe her now. Fred's life depended on it.
"I know that look. You need to put your feelings for Fred aside right this instant. If we get her back, she won't be the same. Illyria's not going away. And I need my Book Man on the job. You with me?"
Wesley stood up to join her. "Yes. Just tell me what to do."
Cordy rolled her eyes at him. "Just don't revert back to Weiny Wesley, alright. And first, a change of clothes. I really don't want to look at you with your insides hanging out and all that blood. Kind of makes me nauseous."
Wesley looked down to the horrible mess the knife had made. "Yes, indeed."
"I can even dress you here in this dimension."
"Cordy," Wesley growled with the meanest voice he could conjure up at the moment.
"See. I knew that Wesley was still in there. Let's get to work."
Wesley took Cordy's hand and walked out the front door. Now he had a reason to live for, if only figuratively.