Title: Goat Porn Madness
Author: Mistress Nika
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I own the dreaded disease, Goat Porn Madness. Unfortunately, I don't own Fruits Basket. I'm just using them as my guinea pigs for a while.
Summary: The Sohma family + Tohru catches a previously unknown disease that makes them act in strange, random ways. Will the family ever be the same again?
_______________________________________________________________
Last Time
Shigure nodded and Hatori sighed, putting a hand to his head. "It seems I am not immune. I'm afraid this is going to get very ugly, very fast."
This Chapter
Shigure suddenly got a lustful look in his eye, slid closer to Hatori and purred into his ear, "I'm not wearing any underwear."
"You never wear underwear." Hatori countered without thinking, then his eyes widened as realization hit him and he blushed slightly.
Shigure grinned like a maniac and said, "Oh? Ha-san's been looking?" And he slid even closer so his body brushed against Hatori's.
Hatori quickly composed himself and said simply, "I have not."
Shigure giggled like the schools girls he was so fond of and said, "Ha-san's lying."
"I am not." Hatori countered.
"Are too."
"Am not."
"Are too."
"Not."
"Too."
"Not."
"Too."
"Not."
"Too."
"Not."
"AHHH!!!" Shigure screamed in terror, interrupting their childish squabble. He leapt into Hatori's lap, his arms going around the dragon's neck with a vice-like grip.
Kyou had taken up a pair of scissors and just started to chase the two boys with a cry of, "I gotch yer pot a gold right here!", when he had tripped over the table and feel toward the two bickering men, scissors outstretched.
"Evil hackers from Serbia!" Shigure screamed as Kyou landed on the floor right where he had been sitting, stabbing the scissors firmly into the floor.
Shigure hid his head in Hatori's chest and sobbed, "He tried to take my monkey love!"
Hatori just rolled his eyes and patted Shigure on the head. "There, there." he said comfortingly, "Your...monkey love...is safe."
Shigure nodded and continued to soak the other man's shirt with his tears.
Kyou lay on his stomach and blinked a few times, then stared at the scissors in the floor. Finally he sat up and looked at the scene around him. Haru was still riding the broom and making spaceship noises, Yuki's robe flapping out behind him and just barely covering his body. Yuki still chased after him crying for "Space Cowboy" to save him and sounding very much like the damsel in distress. Kyou glanced to his side to find Shigure in Hatori's lap quietly sobbing as Hatori rubbed soothing circles on his back trying to stop his tears.
'What the hell..?' Kyou thought before shaking his head to clear it. Then he calmly stood up, turned on the t.v. and began watching cartoons. Tom and Jerry was on and he squealed with joy. ^^
Shigure suddenly stopped crying and Hatori could hear him stifle a giggle before he said in a low voice, "My, Ha-san. Is that a leprechaun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"
Hatori was compelled to roll his eyes again. 'How long until I start acting like them?' he thought in dismay. Though for some reason he was in no hurry to remove Shigure from his lap. He just attributed it to the strange illness that was plaguing their noble family and left it at that.
Suddenly a newscast interrupted Kyou's cartoons and Hatori turned his attention to it.
"We apologize for interrupting your regularly scheduled programing," the woman behind the desk said, "but we have some late breaking news that has all the country in an uproar. Since early this morning reports have been coming in by the hundreds of strange behavior from previously normal people. The medical community has commented on the situation and says that the incidents are caused from a previously unknown disease called Goat Porn Madness. Yes, you heard correctly. Goat Porn Madness. Here I have with me in the studio Doctor Friedrich Swartz, a leading expert on the new epidemic. Doctor?"
A wiry looking man with large glasses and wild, snowy white hair spoke with a heavy accent. "Yes, well." he began, clearing his throat. "It seems this disease is entirely man-made. It was developed in a lab by an unknown person and then forced upon an unwitting victim who was then set free with no knowledge of the sickness they carried. It lasts up to a week depending on how quickly a person progresses through the stages and will eventually be expelled from the person's body as large bouts of uncontrollable gas.
"I will now describe the symptoms and stages one is expected to go through. It can be contracted in two ways, either by touch with an infected person or through breathing the air around them. This causes the Madness to be extremely contagious. The patient will go through several stages before finally riding themselves of it.
"Stage one starts with the patient saying short sentences that are entirely random. After they have said them they will be confused and not understand their actions. At this stage it is still treatable and everyone is strongly urged to go to their nearest medical center upon discovery of such a symptom. After a patient goes into step two the disease becomes untreatable. Stage two consists of more random outbursts and can be accompanied by actions complimenting their words. Usually the outburst phases of step two will be longer than in stage one, but still relatively short. It is here that most realize something is wrong.
"Stage three is more advanced and patients in this stage are often mistaken as being insane. It consists of prolonged phases of random instability and often the patient is found to be expressing subconscious opinions and desires which are normally repressed by their conscious mind. However, it is often hard to distinguish between a random statement and a true one that they simply could not control.
"In stage four the instability can last for days at a time and is often accompanied by an insatiable hunger for peanut butter. We don't know why they crave this certain food item, but it is known they prefer the smooth kind to the chunky.
"In the few cases we have seen of stage five the patient experiences complete prolonged mental and emotional instability. In this stage the only thing one can do is restrain them, lock them in a room completely isolated from others, and ignore any impassioned declarations one will most certainly hear. It is unknown at this time what will come after stage five, but research shows that this stage will not be the last."
As the doctor finished the woman said, "Thank you, Doctor Swartz." Then she turned back to the camera. "Officials say that anyone who experiences symptoms of this disease should either immediately seek medical aid or confine themselves to their homes. For those who are not yet affected there is a vaccine which will prevent infection. It, along with the stage one cure, is being dispensed free to the public at all medical centers and places of government employment. Everyone is urged to take all necessary precautions to avoid contraction of this strange new sickness. That is all the information we have at this time. We'll keep you posted on any new developments as they happen. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming."
Hatori suddenly leapt to his feet, dumping a now sleeping Shigure on the floor in his haste. "There's a cure for me!" he cried happily. "If I get there quick enough." He glanced at the other occupants of the room with a depressed expression. Haru had dropped his broom, and apparently his title of Space Cowboy, and was now glomping Yuki...who didn't seem to mind very much. Yuki was glomping Haru back and singing I'm a Little Teapot at the top of his lungs. "Those two are most defiantly at stage three." he quickly decided.
Hatori's gaze turned to Kyou who suddenly cried, "Run, Sacred Squeaky Mouse! Run! Don't let the baka neko get you!"
Hatori sighed. "Stage three." he groaned. Looking down at the snoozing Shigure he thought aloud, "He's probably at stage two, but he'll be going into stage three anytime now. And then, stage four. ......I need to stock up on peanut butter....and handcuffs."
_______________________________________________________________
(A/N) How often do you hear Hatori say, in all seriousness, he needs to stock up on peanut butter and handcuffs? Never would be my guess! Hope you liked the St. Patrick's Day references! I've got more, but they'll have to wait a chapter. Hopefully I'll get it out tomorrow! ^^
How often do you find a fic where the characters act randomly but the fic has a nonrandom plot and there's no booze or illegal drugs involved? Lol Oh! And would you mind telling me your favorite line from each chapter in your reviews!? I kinda wanna know which ones are the best! ^_^ Thanks!
_______________________________________________________________
Even MORE reviews!! O__O
machoupitchounette: O_O No! Not crazy fish-hallucinating Kyou!! I'm updating! I'm updating! ....wait.... Send him on anyway! I think I can tame him! ^_~ Glad you think it's so funny! Arigatou!
CrazyInsaneAnimeFanGirl: Oh don't worry. I have plans for the others too! Heh-heh-heh. And a certain member of the Sohma family is gonna make a rather embarrasing appearance on television. *grins maniacally* And as for Uo and Hana? Ever wanted to see Hana go crazy and start randomly shocking people? ^____^ Or maybe Uo go on a lead-pipe rampage? Me too! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!! ...I've said too much. Now I must kill you. (pulls out her Spork of Doom)
NCAnime99: Oh! Catnip! I hadn't thought of that! (writes down idea before she forgets it) ....dead bird..? O.o That is a little creepy...even for me. ....O.O..... Kyou=cat! Akito..........BIRD!!!! Kyou must get free from Hatori's ever-watchful eye and go visit the main house!!! LMAO!!!
Cherry in a Tree: I'm glad you like it so much!! Ummm...as you can see I'm a yaoi fangirl and the idea of Tohru lovin' up on all the lovely bishys makes me a little queasy. Not a Tohru hater! In fact, some of my favorite fics have her paired with Shigure or Akito...or Haru...or Yuki...or Hatori... (continues listing various people, not stopping when she reaches Hana and Uo) But anyway! I do have some ideas for her now, so she'll be coming around sometime next chapter. And uh...my mind is one of unabashed hentai...as you can probably tell somewhat by this chapter. So whatever ideas you have, no matter how perverted, I most certainly wanna hear them!! ^__^
Queen of All Chipmunks: I'm glad you read my sister's fic! She was so happy! Especially that we've found Susan! Kyou says he demands child support, btw. But ignoring him! ^^ Tell Susan her dead chippin child had a full life of love from both his father and his adopted mother. He may have died young, but he died happy. ^_~ Shigure is still wondering how he broke into his goat porn safe...and all the doctors are stumped on how goat porn could make one so young asphyxiate. But...oh well! I changed Yuki's, my sister not the bish, account settings so now she accepts annonymous reviews. Go review, it'd make her day. ^^ Seriously! Oh, and if you wanna we can become partners in the goat porn scheme and take over the world more quickly. You can have half when we conquer it. Just not the half with Ireland or Japan in it. ^__^ And...MY MUTANT NINJA ATTACK BADGER ELITE FORCES HAVE JOINED FORCES WITH THE GIANT FLYING MARSHMALLOWS AND WILL NEVER BE BEATEN!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Duo's lil neko: I'm glad you think so! (=^-^=)
kireina: Thanks for reading her fic! My sister's that is. She was so happy someone actually read her fic and liked it other than her two sisters! It's her first and she really didn't want to post it. I'm glad I coaxed her into doing it! ^^ Well, more like I pryed it from her hands after she had finished writing, read it while she was trying to get it back from me, then burst out laughing, said "I'm posting this on ff.net!", ran to my room, typed it up and did just that while she was banging on my door! LOL But she eventually gave in...well, okay, she doesn't touch my comp w/out my permission and hers won't go on ff.net. ^_^ But she's come around now that she heard someone likes it! *ahem!* Now that I've said that...Tohru's not one of my favorite characters either. I don't really hate her, but she's...not my favorite. -_- But I've got some ideas for her sooo...she'll be back to consciousness soon. And... heh-heh, the main house is not immune! BWAHAHAHA!!!! Just remember the phrase "Akito in a dress throwing cabage!" *laughs maniacally as lightning crashes in the background*
Author: Mistress Nika
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I own the dreaded disease, Goat Porn Madness. Unfortunately, I don't own Fruits Basket. I'm just using them as my guinea pigs for a while.
Summary: The Sohma family + Tohru catches a previously unknown disease that makes them act in strange, random ways. Will the family ever be the same again?
_______________________________________________________________
Last Time
Shigure nodded and Hatori sighed, putting a hand to his head. "It seems I am not immune. I'm afraid this is going to get very ugly, very fast."
This Chapter
Shigure suddenly got a lustful look in his eye, slid closer to Hatori and purred into his ear, "I'm not wearing any underwear."
"You never wear underwear." Hatori countered without thinking, then his eyes widened as realization hit him and he blushed slightly.
Shigure grinned like a maniac and said, "Oh? Ha-san's been looking?" And he slid even closer so his body brushed against Hatori's.
Hatori quickly composed himself and said simply, "I have not."
Shigure giggled like the schools girls he was so fond of and said, "Ha-san's lying."
"I am not." Hatori countered.
"Are too."
"Am not."
"Are too."
"Not."
"Too."
"Not."
"Too."
"Not."
"Too."
"Not."
"AHHH!!!" Shigure screamed in terror, interrupting their childish squabble. He leapt into Hatori's lap, his arms going around the dragon's neck with a vice-like grip.
Kyou had taken up a pair of scissors and just started to chase the two boys with a cry of, "I gotch yer pot a gold right here!", when he had tripped over the table and feel toward the two bickering men, scissors outstretched.
"Evil hackers from Serbia!" Shigure screamed as Kyou landed on the floor right where he had been sitting, stabbing the scissors firmly into the floor.
Shigure hid his head in Hatori's chest and sobbed, "He tried to take my monkey love!"
Hatori just rolled his eyes and patted Shigure on the head. "There, there." he said comfortingly, "Your...monkey love...is safe."
Shigure nodded and continued to soak the other man's shirt with his tears.
Kyou lay on his stomach and blinked a few times, then stared at the scissors in the floor. Finally he sat up and looked at the scene around him. Haru was still riding the broom and making spaceship noises, Yuki's robe flapping out behind him and just barely covering his body. Yuki still chased after him crying for "Space Cowboy" to save him and sounding very much like the damsel in distress. Kyou glanced to his side to find Shigure in Hatori's lap quietly sobbing as Hatori rubbed soothing circles on his back trying to stop his tears.
'What the hell..?' Kyou thought before shaking his head to clear it. Then he calmly stood up, turned on the t.v. and began watching cartoons. Tom and Jerry was on and he squealed with joy. ^^
Shigure suddenly stopped crying and Hatori could hear him stifle a giggle before he said in a low voice, "My, Ha-san. Is that a leprechaun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"
Hatori was compelled to roll his eyes again. 'How long until I start acting like them?' he thought in dismay. Though for some reason he was in no hurry to remove Shigure from his lap. He just attributed it to the strange illness that was plaguing their noble family and left it at that.
Suddenly a newscast interrupted Kyou's cartoons and Hatori turned his attention to it.
"We apologize for interrupting your regularly scheduled programing," the woman behind the desk said, "but we have some late breaking news that has all the country in an uproar. Since early this morning reports have been coming in by the hundreds of strange behavior from previously normal people. The medical community has commented on the situation and says that the incidents are caused from a previously unknown disease called Goat Porn Madness. Yes, you heard correctly. Goat Porn Madness. Here I have with me in the studio Doctor Friedrich Swartz, a leading expert on the new epidemic. Doctor?"
A wiry looking man with large glasses and wild, snowy white hair spoke with a heavy accent. "Yes, well." he began, clearing his throat. "It seems this disease is entirely man-made. It was developed in a lab by an unknown person and then forced upon an unwitting victim who was then set free with no knowledge of the sickness they carried. It lasts up to a week depending on how quickly a person progresses through the stages and will eventually be expelled from the person's body as large bouts of uncontrollable gas.
"I will now describe the symptoms and stages one is expected to go through. It can be contracted in two ways, either by touch with an infected person or through breathing the air around them. This causes the Madness to be extremely contagious. The patient will go through several stages before finally riding themselves of it.
"Stage one starts with the patient saying short sentences that are entirely random. After they have said them they will be confused and not understand their actions. At this stage it is still treatable and everyone is strongly urged to go to their nearest medical center upon discovery of such a symptom. After a patient goes into step two the disease becomes untreatable. Stage two consists of more random outbursts and can be accompanied by actions complimenting their words. Usually the outburst phases of step two will be longer than in stage one, but still relatively short. It is here that most realize something is wrong.
"Stage three is more advanced and patients in this stage are often mistaken as being insane. It consists of prolonged phases of random instability and often the patient is found to be expressing subconscious opinions and desires which are normally repressed by their conscious mind. However, it is often hard to distinguish between a random statement and a true one that they simply could not control.
"In stage four the instability can last for days at a time and is often accompanied by an insatiable hunger for peanut butter. We don't know why they crave this certain food item, but it is known they prefer the smooth kind to the chunky.
"In the few cases we have seen of stage five the patient experiences complete prolonged mental and emotional instability. In this stage the only thing one can do is restrain them, lock them in a room completely isolated from others, and ignore any impassioned declarations one will most certainly hear. It is unknown at this time what will come after stage five, but research shows that this stage will not be the last."
As the doctor finished the woman said, "Thank you, Doctor Swartz." Then she turned back to the camera. "Officials say that anyone who experiences symptoms of this disease should either immediately seek medical aid or confine themselves to their homes. For those who are not yet affected there is a vaccine which will prevent infection. It, along with the stage one cure, is being dispensed free to the public at all medical centers and places of government employment. Everyone is urged to take all necessary precautions to avoid contraction of this strange new sickness. That is all the information we have at this time. We'll keep you posted on any new developments as they happen. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming."
Hatori suddenly leapt to his feet, dumping a now sleeping Shigure on the floor in his haste. "There's a cure for me!" he cried happily. "If I get there quick enough." He glanced at the other occupants of the room with a depressed expression. Haru had dropped his broom, and apparently his title of Space Cowboy, and was now glomping Yuki...who didn't seem to mind very much. Yuki was glomping Haru back and singing I'm a Little Teapot at the top of his lungs. "Those two are most defiantly at stage three." he quickly decided.
Hatori's gaze turned to Kyou who suddenly cried, "Run, Sacred Squeaky Mouse! Run! Don't let the baka neko get you!"
Hatori sighed. "Stage three." he groaned. Looking down at the snoozing Shigure he thought aloud, "He's probably at stage two, but he'll be going into stage three anytime now. And then, stage four. ......I need to stock up on peanut butter....and handcuffs."
_______________________________________________________________
(A/N) How often do you hear Hatori say, in all seriousness, he needs to stock up on peanut butter and handcuffs? Never would be my guess! Hope you liked the St. Patrick's Day references! I've got more, but they'll have to wait a chapter. Hopefully I'll get it out tomorrow! ^^
How often do you find a fic where the characters act randomly but the fic has a nonrandom plot and there's no booze or illegal drugs involved? Lol Oh! And would you mind telling me your favorite line from each chapter in your reviews!? I kinda wanna know which ones are the best! ^_^ Thanks!
_______________________________________________________________
Even MORE reviews!! O__O
machoupitchounette: O_O No! Not crazy fish-hallucinating Kyou!! I'm updating! I'm updating! ....wait.... Send him on anyway! I think I can tame him! ^_~ Glad you think it's so funny! Arigatou!
CrazyInsaneAnimeFanGirl: Oh don't worry. I have plans for the others too! Heh-heh-heh. And a certain member of the Sohma family is gonna make a rather embarrasing appearance on television. *grins maniacally* And as for Uo and Hana? Ever wanted to see Hana go crazy and start randomly shocking people? ^____^ Or maybe Uo go on a lead-pipe rampage? Me too! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!! ...I've said too much. Now I must kill you. (pulls out her Spork of Doom)
NCAnime99: Oh! Catnip! I hadn't thought of that! (writes down idea before she forgets it) ....dead bird..? O.o That is a little creepy...even for me. ....O.O..... Kyou=cat! Akito..........BIRD!!!! Kyou must get free from Hatori's ever-watchful eye and go visit the main house!!! LMAO!!!
Cherry in a Tree: I'm glad you like it so much!! Ummm...as you can see I'm a yaoi fangirl and the idea of Tohru lovin' up on all the lovely bishys makes me a little queasy. Not a Tohru hater! In fact, some of my favorite fics have her paired with Shigure or Akito...or Haru...or Yuki...or Hatori... (continues listing various people, not stopping when she reaches Hana and Uo) But anyway! I do have some ideas for her now, so she'll be coming around sometime next chapter. And uh...my mind is one of unabashed hentai...as you can probably tell somewhat by this chapter. So whatever ideas you have, no matter how perverted, I most certainly wanna hear them!! ^__^
Queen of All Chipmunks: I'm glad you read my sister's fic! She was so happy! Especially that we've found Susan! Kyou says he demands child support, btw. But ignoring him! ^^ Tell Susan her dead chippin child had a full life of love from both his father and his adopted mother. He may have died young, but he died happy. ^_~ Shigure is still wondering how he broke into his goat porn safe...and all the doctors are stumped on how goat porn could make one so young asphyxiate. But...oh well! I changed Yuki's, my sister not the bish, account settings so now she accepts annonymous reviews. Go review, it'd make her day. ^^ Seriously! Oh, and if you wanna we can become partners in the goat porn scheme and take over the world more quickly. You can have half when we conquer it. Just not the half with Ireland or Japan in it. ^__^ And...MY MUTANT NINJA ATTACK BADGER ELITE FORCES HAVE JOINED FORCES WITH THE GIANT FLYING MARSHMALLOWS AND WILL NEVER BE BEATEN!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Duo's lil neko: I'm glad you think so! (=^-^=)
kireina: Thanks for reading her fic! My sister's that is. She was so happy someone actually read her fic and liked it other than her two sisters! It's her first and she really didn't want to post it. I'm glad I coaxed her into doing it! ^^ Well, more like I pryed it from her hands after she had finished writing, read it while she was trying to get it back from me, then burst out laughing, said "I'm posting this on ff.net!", ran to my room, typed it up and did just that while she was banging on my door! LOL But she eventually gave in...well, okay, she doesn't touch my comp w/out my permission and hers won't go on ff.net. ^_^ But she's come around now that she heard someone likes it! *ahem!* Now that I've said that...Tohru's not one of my favorite characters either. I don't really hate her, but she's...not my favorite. -_- But I've got some ideas for her sooo...she'll be back to consciousness soon. And... heh-heh, the main house is not immune! BWAHAHAHA!!!! Just remember the phrase "Akito in a dress throwing cabage!" *laughs maniacally as lightning crashes in the background*