CHAPTER 29

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"The door," Mark mumbled, running his hands up and down Jackie's back. "Get the door."

Jackie grabbed her head and slid out of bed, trying to regain her balance and not puke at the same time. It was 6 AM, and she, Mark, Roger, and Mimi hadn't gotten in until 2 AM after Roger's gig. They had reason to celebrate, considering The Well Hungarians had a meeting with a record label affiliated with a major record company the following Monday.

Jackie shuffled into the living room, flicking on the lights before she opened the door. "Harvey? What are you doing here? When did you get back?" she asked, stepping aside to let him in.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked, thrusting a piece of paper at her. Jackie scanned it, her mouth dropping.

"Didn't tell you what?"

"About him."

"About who? Harvey, it's really early," she said, resting her hand against her head.

"About Roger."

"What about him?" Jackie heard movement in Roger's room, and then the door creaked open, as Mimi slipped through, Roger right behind her.

"I was going through a bunch of Natalie's things at her place and I found this. And this. You both knew about him, and you didn't tell me."

"What are you talking about?" Jackie said.

"Can we help you with something?" Roger asked, as Mimi sat down on the couch, hand resting on her stomach.

"Sure, you can help me with a lot of things, like for one, why you killed my sister and didn't stop her when she was injecting that shit in her veins," he spat at him angrily.

"Whoa, excuse me? I didn't kill April," Roger added angrily.

Jackie said nothing as Mark slowly walked into the room. "What's going on?" he yawned.

"No, but you just sat back as you watched," Harvey said sarcastically.

"You don't know what you're talking about. Where were you when we were together? April didn't mention you once—not once," Roger added, advancing towards him.

"Just shut up Roger," Mimi said, standing up and glaring at him, arms crossed over her chest.

"Stay out of it Mimi," he growled, not even bothering to turn around and look at her.

"I'm not going to stay fucking out of it any more. She's gone, Roger, okay? Stop putting her on this goddamn pedestal you have her on! I'm so sick of it! It's like you have to tiptoe around her name. You can't even say the month April and you get freaked out about it," she said angrily.

"You don't know."

"Don't know what? You're holding on to something that has been gone for over three years! You have me, and you have this baby. You have your band. If we can't make you happy, then I don't know what else can!" she shouted at him. "Nothing is ever good enough for you Roger! Nothing! You hate your family, you hate the world, you hate your fucking life, and I'm starting to think you hate me too," she said, tears welling up in her eyes.

Mark looked on as Roger visibly calmed down some at the sight of Mimi sobbing on the couch. Jackie had walked over to her and put her arm around her, stroking her hair as she cried into her shoulder.

"Mimi—" Roger said, walking over to her and placing his hand on her arm.

"Don't touch me," she whispered, refusing to look at him. He shot a glare at Harvey before grabbing his jacket off the hook and taking off, slamming the door in everyone's face.

"I'm sorry everyone," she said, standing up and wiping her eyes.

"It's okay, Meems," Mark said, giving her a small smile. "It'll be okay."

"I don't think so Mark," she said, retreating to her room and closing the door softly.

"Harvey, wait outside for me, okay? We'll take a walk around the city," she said. He nodded and shut the door behind him.

"I'm sorry Mark," she said, walking over to him. "I didn't think he would show up like this."

"It's okay, I guess. I just don't think he had any right showing up here and throwing April in Roger's face. You know how Roger is about that."

"No, I don't."

"Look, I've gotta find Roger first. We'll talk about it later. Do what you have to do," he said, walking back into the bedroom and slamming the door in her face.

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"I'm really sorry Jac. I didn't mean to piss all of your friends off."

"Nah, it's okay. I understand where you're coming from. I just thought you knew that Roger was…Roger," she said, placing her coffee mug back on the table. Considering Harvey's leg was still in a brace, they had only walked about 3 blocks over from the loft, finally settling in Starbucks.

He shrugged. "I recognized the face, but I didn't put two plus two together, you know? I feel like an asshole now."

"Don't. It just hasn't been an easy three months on them—or any of us for that matter."

"She's been gone a month, Jac, and it still seems like yesterday that we were all goofing off at rehearsal. But the funny thing is, it's not as hard getting up in the morning anymore—like each day I think about her less and less. I don't mean to, but with work and sitting out during rehearsals, it's just weird. I feel like I'm forgetting about her."

"I know. I've been really selfish lately too. Every time I think about Natalie I want to sit down and cry. I've been pushing Mark away so much, and then the whole shooting incident with Josh—I feel responsible for everything. I think I'm a shit girlfriend with two many fucking problems," she added, taking a bite of her bagel. "And then the people I care about get hurt, and I hurt all the time because of it."

"Josh is a bastard, and he had no right to do that to Mark, but don't hold yourself responsible for what he did. You don't have any control over him—never had—and you can't blame yourself for something like that. Does Mark?"

Jackie shook her head. "No, I don't think so, but I still feel so horrible about it. Roger's been weird around me, but I know that's because Mark's his best friend and—god, whatever, I'm so sick of talking about it."

"Yeah. So what's up with Roger anyway?" Harvey asked.

"I honestly don't know him that well. We talk sometimes, and we have good times together, but every time something from the past gets brought up—like April—I feel like I'm watching from the sidelines. I know it's not my place to know, but then Mark gets pissed about it, or gives me the cold shoulder when I tell him I don't know how Roger reacts to things."

"But you did know April."

"I know. I probably knew her better than Mark and Roger did combined, but how do I tell them that? And then Mimi fucking goes off about her, but my god, April was the sweetest person I knew. Sure, she was starting to get bad with heroin when I lost contact with her, but I don't know. I loved her too."

"I know you did, Jac."

Things were silent for a few minutes. "Romeo and Juliet starts the last week of April, doesn't it?"

Jackie nodded. "Yeah. Rehearsals are going to be killer the week before on out."

"You don't sound too thrilled about it," Harvey said, laughing a little.

"I know. It's just that I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I remember one of the last things Natalie said to me was that she had always wanted to open a dance school with me."

"So you want to teach dance and dance professionally at the same time?" he asked.

"How about more like you and me," she added, taking another sip of her coffee.

"Meaning us? Opening a dance school? Where?"

"We'll find someplace. I'm sure there's gotta be an empty floor to some building for sale or rent somewhere around here."

"That's ambitious."

"It's what Natalie wanted," Jackie reminded him. "Who says we can't hire people to teach with us? This way we can cover the day classes, and they can cover the night classes when we can't."

"Okay. This is a lot to think about."

"Good, because seeing as you can't exactly dance for about another month, I'm leaving the floor searching and renting to you," she said, smiling.

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Jackie entered Mark's room, surprised to find him not sprawled out on the bed. The loft was eerily empty—and cold. As she took off her jacket, she noticed a small piece of folded white paper on the comforter, her name etched across it in Mark's familiar handwriting. She carefully picked it up and opened it, scanning the first few lines.

Jackie,

I was sitting in the park today, trying to clear my head, and the first thing I thought about was you, or rather, us. I'm not good at these sort of letters, and the last thing I want to do is hurt you in any way. I think the main reason we've been clinging onto each other is because we both need someone stable in our lives, and we've found that together. I think what we both need right now is a break—perhaps not that long of a break, but some amount of time where we can both really figure out what we need in our lives. I'm not abandoning you…

Love,

Mark

It hit Jackie like a sledgehammer—and in that moment, everything came rushing back at her in a flurry of events and faces. Growing up with her family in Sydney, her parents' divorce, stepping off the plane at Newark, arriving in the city when she was 18, meeting Natalie, meeting Harvey, dancing with the New York City Ballet, meeting Josh, the fights, losing their baby, meeting Mark, sleeping with Mark, Natalie's car accident, Josh shooting Mark—

"Jackie. Jackie, wake up. Jackie."

Jackie shot up from the couch, her breath catching in her throat. "Oh god," she said. "You're not gone—you didn't leave me. Fuck, it was only a dream," she said, tears streaming down her cheeks.

Mark pulled her towards him, rubbing her back as she buried her face in his shoulder. "No, I'm right here. I just got out of the shower and I heard you crying in your sleep. What happened?"

She shook her head and only cried harder as he continued rubbing her back and kissed her softly on the top of her head. "I thought you left me. You wrote this note and told me you needed a break and you needed to figure out—what you needed, and that wasn't me," she said, trying to speak between her sobs.

"Jackie, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere," he said, as she clung onto his shirt. "I promise. I'm sorry I was upset with you before when you left with Harvey."

"I'm so sorry. I've been such a shit girlfriend to you. I'm sorry," she said, pulling away from him and wiping her eyes.

"Hey, none of this is your fault. What happened to me with Josh isn't your fault. You know I love you, right?" he asked, looking in to her eyes.

"I know, I love you too. But I haven't been open with you about a lot of things—about my past," she whispered, lying back against him.

"You don't have to say anything if you're not ready. It's okay," he said, brushing some of her hair off her forehead.

"I know—but I want you to know," she said. "Just not in here, okay?" she said, glancing around the loft. "Are Mimi and Roger here?"

"Yeah, they made up about half an hour ago. You had fallen asleep," he added, bringing her to a standing position with him.

"Okay," she added, wrapping her arm carefully around his waist, as to not press on his stitches.

"We can just lay down for awhile?" he suggested, opening the door to his room, then shutting it after her.

"That's fine."

___________________________________________________________________________

"So tell me about Sydney?"

Jackie looked up at him. "What do you want to know about it?"

"I don't know. What it was like, I guess. Have you ever seen kangaroos and koalas, that sort of thing," he joked, running his hand up and down Jackie's side.

"Oh you're amusing Cohen. Yeah, I have seen kangaroos and koalas, but not in the zoo like here. Actually out in the Outback. My father and I went on a safari a few times, before I left for the States."

Mark grinned. "Were you a surfer, or a surfer chick?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean did you surf, or did you just hang on all the guys?"

Jackie rolled her eyes as Mark laughed and kissed her neck. "I surfed. Actually, my best friend Shawn and I surfed together a lot. He's really good. Awesome. He and his friends compete and everything, professionally. When we go, I'm teaching you. It's a given. You can't go to Australia and not learn how to surf," she added.

"Oh yeah? And when would you like to go?" he asked.

Jackie gave it some thought before responding. "I'd like to go before Mimi and Roger get married. Maybe the second week of April? We can spend two weeks there. This way I have enough time to see my family, and we have enough time to ourselves."

Mark nodded. "That's fine. Sounds good. I won't be back in work until the end of April anyway. Doctor's orders," he laughed.

"Yeah, but you get paid for medical leave," she reminded him. "I don't get paid for vacation time."

"So think of it as a nice vacation before you start the show."

"Yeah."

"What do your parents do?" Mark asked, pulling the comforter over them.

"My parents are divorced—"

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"No, it's okay, it was a long time ago. When I was 13. My mom—Nancy is a nurse. She lives in Melbourne now with my stepfather Kevin and their daughter—my stepsister—Marlee. She has to be about 8 now. My sister Kate lives with my father, Jacob, in his house in Sydney with my stepmother Karen. He owns his own investment company downtown."

Mark nodded. "Is he loaded?"

Jackie blushed and shrugged. "Yeah. I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry for?" he laughed. "I'm not judging you because of it."

"Good, because when most people find out, they do."

"Well in case you haven't noticed, I'm not most people," he added.

Jackie nodded. "So after I graduated high school, I spent the summer saying goodbye to my friends, and I was on a plane to the States by mid August. I was enrolled in classes at NYU in the fall and attending class at NYCB. I met Natalie on the first day there, and we used to hate each other. It was competitive, so naturally all the girls talked all kinds of shit behind each other's backs. Eventually we got over each other and were close ever since," she laughed.

"When was the last time you saw your family?"

"Christmas of my freshman year of college. I haven't seen them since, and I haven't talked to them as much either."

Mark was rubbing her back in slow circles. "They didn't fly here for graduation?"

Jackie shook her head. "Nope. But by then I had Harvey and Natalie, and that was all that mattered. Shawn flew up though, so at least someone from home did."

"Yeah. Did you—did you know April?" he asked, hesitating. He wasn't sure how comfortable Jackie was with the topic, and noticed that she didn't say anything for a few minutes before finally responding.

"I did know April. Except the April I knew wasn't the same April you and Roger knew," she said slowly. "I met her in the fall of my freshman year—we shared a dorm together with another girl, and she was in a few of my classes. She was the sweetest person—and hilarious too. We used to go out to poetry readings and gigs around the city on the weekends. She was the type of person that really loved life, you know?" She shifted on the bed, pressing her hips into Mark's back more to get comfortable.

"Is that how you met Harvey?" Mark asked.

"No. I met Harvey in the same class I met Natalie. They had just started dating then. One day, Harvey and I went out for coffee because he was having some problems with Natalie, and he just brought her up. After that, it was always the four of us hanging out together. We were inseparable for the most part."

"What happened to her?"

"After sophomore year, she was already into coke and speed. She started partying, and would bring guys home constantly. I moved out that summer and into my own apartment near Central Park, and unfortunately I lost contact with her. Harvey did too, although he tried to get her some help, but she wouldn't listen. The last I ever heard of her was that she had dropped out of NYU—"

"Through Collins?"

"Yeah. She had dropped out of NYU and was now with Roger. One day, Harvey didn't show up to rehearsal, so afterwards Natalie and I went back to their place and we found out that Harvey's mother had called and told him that April had killed herself. We didn't find out about the heroin until they did the autopsy and found some left over in her system. What a waste," she said, closing her eyes. "I think about her every once in awhile and wonder that maybe if I hadn't moved out, I could have saved her."

Mark shook his head and kissed her nose. "You couldn't have. She had to make the decision to save herself, and April couldn't do it."

"I'm glad Roger did."

"So am I."

"So…" Mark said a few minutes later, adjusting the blanket over them.

"I know you want to know about Josh, but I don't think I'm ready to tell you yet. I know I need to talk to someone about it, but I'm not ready."

"I respect that. Can I ask you something?"

"If you want."

"You don't have to say anything if you don't want to—or answer me, but when you were sleeping, you kept mentioning something about a baby and Josh…"

"Oh." Jackie was silent. She knew she would have to tell him eventually, but she hadn't expected him to ask so soon—or pick up on it. "I found out I was pregnant in August before my junior year. Josh got particularly angry one night and threw me down a flight of stairs, and I lost the baby," she finished, resting her head on Mark's shoulder.

"I'm so sorry," he said, rubbing her back. "I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that with him. God, what a bastard—"

"Don't Mark, it won't fix or help anything. Just promise me you won't turn out like him?"

Mark nodded. "I promise."

"Okay."

"Can I ask you something else?"

"Uh huh."

"I know you said that you needed someone to talk to, and I don't know if you've ever head of it, but there's this group called Life Support a few blocks over. Collins and An—Collins used to go frequently back in the day. Mimi used to go a few times too. Even Roger went—against his will—once or twice," Mark added, smiling. "They have meetings a few times a week, as well as individual therapy sessions, and you can go as much or as little as you want. There's no pressure or anything. They really know what they're talking about."

"I think I've heard of it. I never knew what it was though. I'd like to find out about it," she said, yawning.

"Really?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I don't know, I thought you might be against the idea of going."

"I'm not a stubborn ass like Roger," she giggled.

"That's true. You're an adorable stubborn ass," Mark added, laughing.

"Hey!"

"I was only kidding. But seriously, I'll find out for you from Collins."

"Thank you," she said, kissing him lightly.

Mark shifted over slightly, draping his arm over her stomach. The smell of something spicy was wafting underneath his door, and he smiled as he kissed Jackie's forehead. "I think Mimi's cooking again."

Jackie nodded and rested her head against his chest. "I'm kind of hungry. What time is it?"

"12:01 AM," he said, reading the digital clock. "You know what I just realized?"

"Hmm?"

"Wait a second. Close your eyes." He climbed off the bed as Jackie obeyed, closing her eyes. He placed something near her feet, before climbing back on the bed, sitting behind her. "Now open them."

"Okay." Jackie did so, and found a videotape with a single rose attached to it, along with a white card. "Mark…"

"I guess it's my way of saying happy two months?" he said, watching her as she read the card.

"Give me my Romeo; and, when he shall die,

Take him and cut him out in little stars,

And he will make the face of heaven so fine

 That all the world will be in love with night

 And pay no worship to the garish sun."

"It's beautiful. Romeo and Juliet. It's appropriate."

"So I figured."

 Thank you," she said, leaning over to kiss him. "Has it really been two months? It's felt like so much longer."

"Yeah, it has. But it's been worth it—every single second. I wouldn't trade it, even the hard times,
 he said. "You have to watch the tape."

"Okay," she laughed. "I feel like I've known you forever. Sorry if that sounds completely cheesy."

"Maybe a little," he said, as she threw a pillow at him.

"What are we doing up so late?" she yawned.

"No, the question is, what's Mimi doing up so late?" he added. Jackie stood up and walked into the living room, Mark following.

"Hey guys!" she greeted cheerfully. "Hungry?"

Mark glanced at her. "Uh…sure Meems. What are you making?"

"Tacos. I'm starving," she said, sliding a plate of tacos down the counter. Mark intercepted them, and passed them to Jackie before taking one himself.

"Roger asleep?" Jackie said through a mouthful of taco.

Mimi nodded and poured herself a glass of soda. "Yeah. He fell asleep around 10. He has that meeting with the record label tomorrow--today at 9 with the band. I think I wore him out by yelling at him so much today," she said, shrugging.

Mark laughed, just as Roger came shuffling out of his bedroom.

"Hey," he greeted groggily. "Where's the siesta?"

"In my pants," Mark said, as Jackie laughed. Roger made a face and smiled.

"Yeah, you wish."

"Want a taco?" Mimi asked.


He nodded and yawned, taking a seat at the island on the barstool. "Couldn't sleep."

"You'll be fine tomorrow. They wouldn't have offered you a meeting if they didn't like what they saw," she reminded him. He shrugged and started drinking out of her soda glass.

"Yeah but—"

"No buts. C'mon, I'm going to bed," Mimi yawned, placing the glass and her plate in the sink. "Coming?"

"I'm eating."

"Bring it with you."

"Okay?" He stood up and followed her into the bedroom, carrying his plate and soda with him. "Night Jac. Night Mark."

"Night guys," Mark added as Jackie smiled. "So what do you say, bed?"

"I think so. I'm tired."

"I could make you more tired…"

"I'm sure you could. Just wait until Wednesday when you get your stitches out. It's Monday. Hold it in," she said.

"Hold it in?"

"Yeah."

"Gee thanks."

"You're welcome, and I love you," she said, laughing and climbing into his bed.

"Love you too," he said, shutting the lights off before climbing into bed himself.

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Jackie woke up the next morning to hear various sounds of banging and talking erupting from the living room. Mark was still asleep, so she slipped on her robe and opened the door to find Dan and Mimi chatting as a group of men she had never seen before dragged in sections of new carpeting.

"What's going on?" she asked, coming up behind them.

"Hi sweetie," Dan greeted, kissing her on the cheek. "We've just started phase one of redecorating. Carpeting!" he groaned, rolling his eyes as Mimi laughed.

"I didn't know that was happening today," she added, getting herself a cup of coffee as Mimi followed behind her.

"Sorry, I forgot to mention that I moved the date up to today instead of Thursday because it was conflicting with the air conditioning and heating guy. I just want to get everything over and done with as soon as possible so I don't have to deal with this shit when I'm eight months pregnant," she replied, grabbing the bread out of the cabinet and popping it into the toaster.

"I agree with that. Roger left?"

"Yup. It's after 10, he said he'd be back by 12, but he'd call if he decide to go out with the guys."

"Where'd they put the couch?" Jackie asked, looking around the barren room. Everything had either disappeared or been moved, leaving a huge open space, where sections of carpet were being measured and lain down.

"Out in the hallway. Don't even ask me how they got it through the door. All I ask is that they put it back where they found it because the last time it had to be moved, Mark and Roger bitched about it for a whole week," she laughed, pouring herself a glass of water.

"Are they supposed to finish this all in one day?"

"Pretty much—at least the living room, that is. I told Dan to hold off on the bedrooms and the nursery until everyone figures out what they want and I find out the sex of the baby. Tomorrow, I'm so excited."

Jackie smiled. Mimi was practically glowing when she brought up the baby. "I can't wait either."

"Oh! Before I forget, Roger's brother Jimmy is coming up here Wednesday to figure out what to do about the wall separating the apartment next door. He called him this morning before he left. Apparently what he said he can do is knock the wall out enough to put double doors—kind of like French patio doors in its place, so it connects both apartments but gives each of us enough privacy—not that privacy's a problem or anything," she added, rambling on. "And Maureen's flying in tonight from LA because she insists on being here when I get back from my doctor's appointment with Roger."

"That's fine. So let me get this straight—tomorrow's the ultrasound, Wednesday Jimmy's coming up, and Thursday the heating and air conditioning guy is coming here. Anything else?"

"Oh fuck, I almost forgot. Collins birthday is Saturday, and we're throwing him a surprise party that night, but please don't slip anything to him. Hence the word surprise," she added, laughing.

"No problem."

"No no no! I said that goes over there! Jesus Christ!" Dan shouted, waving his hands at the workers. "No…OVER THERE!" he added, as the lamp crashed to the floor.

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COMING UP IN THE NEXT FEW CHAPTERS OF BYW: How was Roger's meeting? More confrontation between Harvey and Roger…Sydney, Mark, and surfing…and what you've all been waiting for…the wedding!