CHAPTER 44

Taking steps back through the words

I should have said to you

They all got lost

You went away

Mark flipped onto his back and focused on the ceiling. It had been four days since he had last seen Jackie. It had been the longest time he had spent away from her in the eight months they had been together, and every minute that passed on the clock jarred his heart a little bit more. How could he have been such an idiot?

Mark Cohen, you're a fuck up.

He tried adjusting himself on the bed, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't sleep without her. He was used to her breath softly blowing onto his cheek in the middle of the night. He missed the way her hair would fan out across the pillows and how she would struggle to tie it back laying down, only to realize that she'd have to sit up anyway to do it properly. He missed their hilarious arguments over who go to wear which pair of his boxers before they went to sleep. How they'd lay in bed in the morning, neither of them wanting to get up without the other.

Well I feel sick

And you just don't care anymore

I wish to be with you

Minutes of me and you

I can't feel this happening

He had to admit he hadn't been taking care of himself the last few days. Lisa had been admitted to the renal unit and was on and off dialysis. He was spending the majority of his days at the hospital with his parents and Cindy, and when he wasn't there he was at work. Or sleeping alone.

When he was home, he spent the rest of the day vegetating or typing away on his laptop for work. He barely saw Roger or Mimi, let alone their baby. He figured that if he was meant to grow up as a miser, he might as well get a head start while he's at it.

You face is on a billboard

And you're everywhere

You're gone you're gone you're gone

You're gone, away

If you don't like being hurt

Then please don't stay

He'd meant to call Jackie, he really had, but every time he picked up the phone to dial her cell number, he backed out. One time he really had needed to hear her voice, so he let if ring long enough for her to pick up.

"Hello?" she had said.

She sounded tired, exhausted maybe, but she had never sounded more beautiful to him. She hung up soon after.

There is nothing left for me to give I wish I could

And I know that I should

But you know I won't

Mark flipped onto his stomach and buried his face into the pillow. As he opened one eye, he noticed the photograph of himself and Jackie, snapped one early morning by Roger. They were lying in bed together, half awake. His arm was around her waist and she was laughing at something he had said.

He reached over and picked the picture up. He stared at it for a final second before flinging it at the wall in anger. The frame shattered, and the glass caught the lamplight and reflected onto the wall.

He couldn't take it anymore. He had to see her, but he couldn't move from the spot he was in.

Excuses, excuses Mark.

*      *      *      *

"You don't want anything else to eat?"

Jackie looked down at the chicken salad she was picking at and shook her head. "Nope. I'm fine."

"Alright." Harvey paused the movie and stood up in the direction of the door. "I'll get it."

She nodded and stood up as well. "I need a bathroom break anyway."

He jogged over to the door and pulled it open. Maureen was standing on the other side dressed in sweatpants, sneakers, and a cutoff tee shirt. Her curly hair was pulled into a high ponytail and she was yawning. "Hey," she greeted.

"Hey." He leaned over to kiss her and pulled her inside.

Maureen peeked into the living room. "How is she?"

Harvey shrugged at her. "She's okay. Not bad, but not all that great either. We were watching Pretty in Pink before and she just started crying hysterically in the middle of it. So, she decided on Saving Private Ryan, and that's what we've been watching for the last hour."

"Promoting violence, huh?" she teased.

"Yeah well, it's a pretty good movie. As long as something gets her mind off of him, she's okay. Not that I care much, but how is he doing?"

"Behave," she frowned. "He's not good either. I've barely seen him at all. He's been at the hospital for a good chunk of the day and then at work for the other. Then he comes back to the loft and Roger says he mopes around for the rest of the night until he falls asleep. He won't really talk to anyone. Collins has been really the only one to get through to him."

"Yeah. So where are you going?" he asked, finally taking in her appearance.

"To the gym with Mimi, then out to an early dinner. She wants to fit into her regular clothes again by Halloween."

"She didn't gain that much."

"Yeah, but still, she's sensitive about it. So Roger's home alone with Jaylynn doing the single parenting thing for the afternoon."

"Ouch," Harvey laughed.

"Hey, he's gotten better at it. He's only put on her diaper backwards three times this week."

"That's progress, I guess."

Maureen smiled and kissed him again. "Okay, well I better get going. Tell Jackie I said hi."

"Yeah, I will. Sorry we haven't been able to hang out lately."

She nodded. "I understand, but after this all blows over you owe me a few dates," she laughed.

"Yeah yeah. Now get out of my apartment."

"Nice way to talk to your girlfriend. Bye."

He kissed her a final time before shutting the door. "Bye."

*      *      *      *

"Mark."

Roger banged on the door. "Mark, open the fucking door."

"What do you want?"

"Collins got food and left it here on his way to class. You wanna come out and eat it with me?"

"Not particularly."

"Fine." Roger stalked away from the door. He looked over at Jaylynn, who was waving her tiny hand in the air from her swing. "I guess you're hungry too, huh?"

She only stared at him and blinked before yawning. He picked her up and stretched out on the couch with her, trying to balance feeding her a bottle and eating french fries at the same time.

Mimi walked in and dropper her purse on the floor, closing the door behind her. "Hey. How was she?" She sat down on the couch next to him and rested her head on his shoulder, yawning.

"Hey. She was pretty good. She woke up right after you left."

She reached over and stole some fries out of the bag. "God I'm starving."

"Didn't you go eat with Maureen?"

She shook her head and took a sip of his soda. "Nope. After the gym we brought Lisa some flowers and visited her at the hospital. Matt brought Noah with him after his class right after we got there, so we left because we figured they needed some time to spend alone."

Roger nodded. "Yeah. So how is she?"

"Not good. She looked really tired. Its' taking a lot out of her. How's Mark?"

"I don't know. He's being a pain in the ass again. I tried to get him to come out and eat with me but he wouldn't."

"Has he gone to see Jackie? Or has she come to see him?"

Roger shook his head. "Not that I know of."

"Dammit," Mimi sighed. She took the baby from Roger and started burping her. "I'm gonna try to get her to sleep after this, because she kept me up all last night."

Roger handed her the rest of his food. "You should have woke me up. I could have handled her."

"Yeah I know, but you didn't get home until late, so I didn't want to." She yawned and stood up, dragging Roger with her. "Come lay down with me?"

"You got it," he grinned.

Mimi rejoined him on the bed after she put Jaylynn in her bassinet. She set the baby monitor on the nightstand and rolled over onto her side to face him. "Your hair's getting darker."

He pulled her closer to him and linked his hand through hers. "Yeah I know. I just don't have the time to bleach it again."

"I could do it later for you?" she suggested, running her other hand through it.

He shrugged. "Nah, it's not that important. I'll do it eventually."

"Alright babe. Whatever you want."

He sat up and pulled off his shirt. "I've got something to show you."

She laughed and pointed at the gauze on his back. "Baby, that's just so sexy."

He rolled his eyes at her before pulling the bandage off. "Yes or no?"

Mimi smiled when she saw the tattoo. "I love it. Didn't it hurt?"

He shook his head and kissed her again, pulling his shirt back on. "Nah. Not too bad. But I'm glad you like it, because it would be a pain in the ass to get it removed," he smirked.

"It means a lot to me," she added, wrapping her arm around his chest when he laid back down.

"I know. That's part of why I did it. Because I want to show everyone that you're mine and nothing's ever gonna change that."

"Thank you," she smiled, closing her eyes. "Did you talk to your mom?"

He nodded. "Yeah. She wants us to come over and visit, but I told her that I'd check with you first."

"I kind of want to get Jaylynn into a better sleeping routine before I bring her all the way to Scarsdale. But tell her that she and whoever can come up whenever they want to."

"Okay baby. I'll tell her. Did you get a hold of your mom yet?"

"Nope. And you won't believe where she is."

"Where?"

"Argentina. Again. I called my sister Carmen and she told me that she was gonna be down there until the first week of November with Carl and my other sister Veronica. Something about Carl signing on as a partner to my uncle Juan's business and them renting out a house down there."

Roger looked over at her. "So what are they moving?"

"Not exactly. If it all works out, which it most likely will, Carl's going to run the Manhattan office, and Juan will run the one in Buenos Aires. Then of course they'll be the fucking business trips back and forth. I wouldn't be surprised if my mother already has a regular house picked out down there, plus a beach house."

"I'm really sorry baby."

She rolled her eyes. "What are you sorry for? At least your parents want to see their granddaughter. My mother and stepfather couldn't give a shit. She hasn't even called to see how I was doing yet. She only sent me a card with a nice, fat check in it. Like fucking compensation money. Oh my god, I don't even want to talk about this anymore, I'm never going to fall asleep," she complained, burying her face in the pillow.

"I'm sure she'll be around to see us sometime, Meems. And even if she doesn't, you don't fucking need them, right? Come on," he said, wrapping his arm around her. "It's gonna be okay. I promise." He kissed the top of her head.

"Yeah. I guess."

"So what do you want to do tomorrow?"

"What do you mean? I thought you had to go to the studio with the guys?"

"Nope. We're doing that tonight, so tomorrow is just a you and me day. We can get someone to watch Jay and go out to dinner, catch a movie, or something. Whatever you want."

"You mean that?"

He laughed at her. "Why the hell wouldn't I?"

"I don't know. It's kind of weird that you just have a day off," she smiled. "But I'm not complaining."

"Alright. So we'll decide tomorrow morning when we get up."

She nodded. "Yeah, that's fine. Just don't make it a late night."

"I won't. I'll be home by midnight, latest. Even if they try to keep me there."

"Okay."

Roger looked over at the baby monitor as Jaylynn's cries started filling the room. "I'll get her."

Mimi nodded. "Just bring her back in here. We'll let her sleep on the bed with us. Because I really want to lay down with you, and I don't want you to have to sit up with her."

He brought the baby into their room and set her down in between them. Mimi smiled as Jaylynn attached her hand around one of Roger's fingers. "I think you got an early birthday present this year."

He smiled down at them both. "Yeah. I definitely did. But what else are you getting me?"

"Well hmm, if the doctor says it's okay, you might be getting a good present on October 12th, baby," she laughed. "Just for turning the big 27 and all."

"Ugh, I'm getting old."

"Hah, I'm not!" she laughed.

"Shut up, you'll be 22 before you know it."

"Yeah true. But at least I can still live it up for now."

Roger laughed and closed his eyes. "Yeah, right."

Mimi smiled and flipped onto her back, but then frowned. "Oh my god Roger, was that you?"

"What? Oh. Ew, no!"

"She's all yours."

"No way. Your turn."

"Do it or you're celibate for another six weeks after these are up."

"Not that you can last the long, but you win. Come on kid, you stink," he said, making a face as he picked Jaylynn up and carried her into her room.

"Well that was romantic!" she shouted after him.

"Oh you know it!"

*      *     *      *

Jackie took a deep breath as she walked up the stairs to the loft. Technically she could do this. She was going to go in, grab a few things, leave, and come back eventually for the rest. Right?

She shoved her key into the lock and pushed the door open. So far, so good. Christ, she felt like she was on some espionage mission. She quietly closed the door and walked down the hall towards the kitchen. She didn't see Mark anywhere, so she automatically assumed he wasn't at home. Good timing.

She passed the couch and grabbed a stack of papers off the coffee table. That was part of the reason she had come here—she couldn't find the file for the script she had to send off to her boss. Thank god maternity leave was coming up in a few short weeks.

She turned around and looked up, only to find him lying right in front of her. He was asleep on their couch, the ratty blanket pulled up to his chest. His glasses were on the floor, along with a box of tissues and numerous ones that were crumbled up on the floor. A box of Tylenol Cold and Flu was near his feet and he was breathing heavily.

She sighed and crouched onto the floor in front of him and placed her hand on his head. He was burning up. She ran her fingers through his hair and kissed his forehead softly. "Mark."

His eyes fluttered open and he stared at her. "Um. Hey. Jackie," he whispered before coughing into his fist. "Hi."

"Hi," she answered.

He struggled to sit up. "Sorry about the mess."

"It's fine. How are you?"

He looked at her and shrugged. "I'm—sick?" he half smiled. "How are you? And um, the baby?"

"We're okay. But you don't look so good."

"No shit," he coughed.

"Well what do you have?"

"A cross between bronchitis and the flu."

Jackie nodded and placed her hand on his head again. "You're pretty warm. Can I get you anything?"

"You don't have to make me anything."

"Mark don't be difficult."

He sighed. "I don't deserve anything. I didn't think you'd ever want to see me again after what I did to you."

"Mark…"

"No, but seriously. I was a fucking prick; okay I was worse than a fucking prick to you. You don't deserve that. You probably could get anyone better than me and be happy with them. I don't deserve you after what I said—what I did," he reminded her.

Jackie didn't know what to say, so instead she listened and propped her head up against the couch.

"But it's not like you'd ever take me back, because oh, I'm an asshole. I have to always fuck things up, and I did. I fucked the one thing up that I thought was unfuckupable. I did. I'm such a bastard. I really hate myself."

She smiled and started laughing.

"What?" He looked at her. "You're laughing at me aren't you?"

"Yeah, kind of. I mean, you're rambling nonstop. It's pretty adorable."

"So now I'm an adorable bastard?" he groaned.

"Sure. I guess you could say that," she smiled. She grabbed the box of pills and handed him two along with the glass of water that was resting on the table. "Here."

He swallowed them and handed it back to her. "Thanks."

"Yeah. Mark, you're not a bastard."

"Yes I am. I mean, come on, I did all that—"

"Shut up," she laughed. "Oh my god, I hope our kid isn't going to start talking my ear off at six weeks old," she joked.

"Or throwing a camera in your face," he grinned.

"Oh no, that's completely off limits."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."

They just stared at each other before Mark opened his arms. "Come here." Jackie nodded and rested her head on his shoulder and he stared rubbing her back. "I really am sorry, you know that?"

She nodded. "I know. Just don't do it again, okay?"

"I swear, I'll never do that again. Ever. I promise."

"Alright," she said.

"I'd kiss you right now, but I'm probably contagious," he said, scrunching his nose up.

"Yeah. But I can deal with that," she laughed. "You can wait a few days to kiss me, right?"

"I guess," he coughed again, turning his head away from her. "Probably."

"So I guess I'm staying here tonight?"

"Considering I'm not letting you out of my sight—ever again," he teased. "I'd say you're stuck with me for the rest of forever."

"Oh but Mr. Cohen, that's so tempting," she winked at him.

"I finished it."

"Finished what?"

"The baby's room."

She smiled and kissed him on the cheek. "Really?"

He nodded. "Yeah. It's all painted. Light blue, white trim. Now all we need is the furniture."

"Definitely." She looked over at the clock on the wall. "I better call Harvey before he sends out the search and rescue team for me."

"Save you from big, bad Cohen, right?"

"Something like that," she grinned.

In diapers, report cards

In spoked wheels, in speeding tickets

In contracts, dollars In funerals, in births

Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes

How do you figure

A last year on earth?