Title: Saying Goodbye
Rating: PG for mild curses
Author: Melissa, a new Degrassi addict
Summary: At Sean's funeral, Emma realizes how hard it is to say goodbye.
Author's Notes: I was watching the infamous episode of Smallville, "Crush", and the funeral scene always gets to me. I switched to Noggin and caught the ending of Degrassi. It was the end of "This Charming Man", where Emma realizes she no longer cares for Sean. And I thought, if Sean died, she'd realized she did care. This doesn't have a certain timeline, except it takes place in the near future, like 2 or 3 years from now.
Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi: The Next Generation or Sean and Emma. If I did, they'd be on HBO and would be doing much naughtier things.

Flowers for a grave,
Both dainty and distressing,
As tears escape twin rivers of the soul.
Convenient time I gave,
Infrequently expressing,
The sentiment between routine and role.
Words left unspoken,
Considered unnecessary,
Sunshine and shadows, petals and tears.
Now the bridge is broken,
The chance was temporary,
To cross back and stroll through tender years.
Eulogies and regret,
As mysterious as Jade,
I failed to say just what I really meant.
A cemetery debt,
For love that went unpaid,
And greeting cards I never even sent.
---Todd-Michael St. Pierre

"Saying Goodbye"

You listen to the minister, feeling completely numb. He is reading from Ecclesiastes, his words conveying nothing to you. They are empty, offering no comfort at all.

You hear Ellie's quiet sobbing beside you but somehow, you can't bring yourself to reach for her, offer some words of sympathy and understanding. Your mother holds your hand, murmuring to you. You don't hear her. She dabs at her eyes, trying to be strong for you. Your eyes remain dry. You don't think you could possibly cry any more tears. All of your tears for Sean Hope Cameron have been shed relentlessly in the past years.

The minister's voice rises over you as he begins to recite the Lord's Prayer. One by one, the voices around you follow his lead, speaking as one. You remain silent.

The phrase you've been repeating like a mantra in your head for the past few days begins to play itself over and over again. Sean is dead, Sean is dead, Sean is dead.

You realize for the ten thousandth time that you won't see Sean's smile again, won't kiss Sean again, won't argue with him again, won't laugh with him again.

And suddenly, you feel anger rise in your throat like bile and you struggle to hold it in as they lower the gleaming wooden casket containing Sean into the ground, covered it with brown earth.
The minister closes his Bible with a resounding thump, blesses the casket and offers a prayer to Sean's family. He walks off. Slowly, everyone begins to do the same, throwing orchids and carnations to where Sean lay.

You half expect him to spring out of his casket, cast a surly look at the cheery flowers, and walk off as well.

He doesn't.

The last mourner leaves and you stand on is grave, wondering what to do, what to feel. Your mother tugs on your hand. "Em? You coming?"

You shake your head no and she walks off, trying to be understanding but casting a worried look over her shoulder at you.

When you're at last alone with him, you sink to your knees. The smell of spring grass and overturned soil assault your nostrils. You stare at the granite headstone. The years between his birth and death are short. Too short.

The anger you suppressed bubbles over. "You're supposed to be alive! You were supposed to live! You're too damn young to die. Why didn't you come to me? Why didn't you tell me what you were feeling? Did you feel like you couldn't come to me? Why did you do it, Sean?"

You realize he can't answer you, can't hear you. This enrages you even more. "You were supposed to be smarter than that, Sean. You weren't supposed to do drugs! Didn't you listen to those endless lectures we got over the years in school? Didn't you know what they would do to you?"

You roll over onto your back in the crisp grass, look up into the dark, cloudy sky. It perfectly suits your mood. "But I guess I'm to blame too. I should've noticed something was up. You were acting weird-weirder than usual." A wry small flutters over your lips. "All you did was hide it. Is that all you were good at, Sean? Hiding things? Hiding what you felt for me? Damn you," you say as tears trickle out of your eyes. They roll over your cheeks, into your ears.

You roll onto your stomach, a few locks of blonde hair escaping from your chignon. You wipe the bitter tears away with the back of your hand and still more leak out. "Didn't you think of how it would affect us? Of how it would affect me? God, you're so damn selfish sometimes, Sean!" You slam your fist on the soft ground, emotions clashing within you. "I love you, Sean! Are you happy now? I love you! It took me four years to tell you." You lay your head on the grass, waiting for some signs of life. "And now you can't hear me. I never told you. I should've told you," you whisper as the clouds break open and a soft drizzle begins. "I could've saved you, Sean."

You lie there for a few minutes, getting soaked, your dress ruined. But you don't care. You can't bring yourself to get up, to leave, to say goodbye.

You sit up at last, touch the cold headstone. Lightning flashes across the sky and thunder soon follows. "But I didn't. And I have to live with it."

"Emma!"

You glance around, surprised. For one fleeting moment, you thought it was him. But it wasn't. It was only your mother holding an umbrella and looking at you with deep maternal concern. She approaches you. "Are you alright?"

You look up at her, shake hair out of your eyes as you stand. "I'm fine. I was just saying goodbye."

fin