Emily: Hey everyone! Thank you to silver card for their review. You made me smile.

George: What about the other reviews?

Emily: No comment.

George: Don't you know them?!

Emily: Ok Ok but I did not pay them to review! Thank you Jeni. And as for you lil'smartass! Helping write this! Don't make me give you beats on Monday!

George: Shut up now the people came to read and review not listen to rambling.

Disclaimer: George owns everything apparently because he thinks he is God! Are all boys the same?!

                  We own nowt!

Chapter Three - "Hey! Who turned out the lights?!"

"Ah! The walls (dramatic pause) of Moria!" Gasped Gimli. "Dwarf doors are invisible when closed"

"Yes Gimli, their own masters cannot find them if their secrets are forgotten" added Gandalf.

"Why doesn't that surprise me!" Smirked Legolas.

"Are you going to take that from his kind" George couldn't resist stirring.

"His more sexier, blonder, taller, dreamier kind" Added Emily.

"(Grunt)" It was obvious that Gimli had forgotten his lines.

Gandalf begins to caress the wall.

"Ithildin," whispered Gandalf. "It reads; The doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak friend and enter."

"What do you suppose that means?" Inquired Merry.

"Well it's quite simple, if you are a friend you speak the password and the doors will open!"

"In theory, yes" added George helpfully.

"Annon edhellen, edro hi ammen!" Spoke the wizard.

"Well this is thrilling, fancy a game of golf George?"

Gandalf raised his arms and began to rant again; "Fennas nogothrim, lasto beth lammen!"

"Nothings happening" clarified Pippin.

Gandalf continues to try and find the password.

"Em?!"

"Yes George?"

"What's that fruit called that is big and yellow?"

"Urm...You mean the one that is kinda green inside?"

"Yeah! And it's kind of the size of an over-inflated rugby ball!"

"What are you two talking about?" Asked Legolas.

"What's that big, yellow, rugby shaped fruit called?" Questioned George.

"Do you mean a Melon?" Replied Legolas.

Suddenly the doors of Moria began to open.

"Yeah that's it a mellon!" Shouted Emily.

Just as suddenly the doors began to close.

"Mellon, mellon, mellon, mellon, whoops I think I broke it" yelled George as the doors refused to shut anymore.

Legolas walked towards the doors followed by the rest of the Fellowship excluding Emily and George who were still enjoying a nice round of golf.

"Aren't you joining us?" Called Aragorn back to the two teens.

"No, we're fine, your gonna come back out in a minute anyway" replied George as he swung his golf club down hitting the ball from its place on the tee. "Four" (Aragorn ignored this).

The golf ball dived into the lake only to be greeted by the Watcher! (Dramatic Music)

As Emily and George looked on at the monster, with its tentacles grooving to some unknown tune, they could here the voices of the Fellowship inside the mine.

"Soon Master Elf, you will enjoy the fabled hospitality of the dwarves! Roaring fires, malt beer, ripe meat off the bone!" Exclaimed Gimli.

"What a shame I'm on a diet" breathed Legolas.

"This, my friend, is the home of my cousin Balin. And they call it a Mine! A Mine!"

"This is no mine. It's a tomb!" Called Boromir.

"No...!"

Meanwhile outside...

"Stop throwing golf balls at it!" Shouted Emily.

Back in the Mine...

"Goblins" called Legolas as he pulled an arrow out from one of the many slaughtered Dwarves.

"We make for the Gap of Rohan. We should never of come here. Now get out of here! Get out!" Screamed Boromir.

Back outside...

"Now you pissed it off!" Smirked Emily as one of the tentacles reached into the mine and pulled out an unsuspecting Frodo.

The Fellowship came running out with their weapons drawn.

"Never fear George is here!"

"Into the Mines!" Shouted Gandalf.

"Wimp!" Yelled George as he picked up a golf ball and sent it hurtling towards the watcher.

"Bulls eye" George exclaimed as the Watcher was hit right between the eyes knocking it out.

The Fellowship assembled in the Mines.

"Now would be a brilliant time for a torch!" Sighed Emily. "Hang on!" She felt a bump form in her bag, she peered in and saw a torch sitting next to various pictures of Orlando Bloom. "Urm.. George, did you ever put a torch in my bag?"

"Why would I do that?"

"What would you like right now at this present time?" Continued Emily.

"Well an ice lolly wouldn't go amiss, why?"

"Here you go," said Emily handing George an ice lolly which had just appeared in her bag.

"Don't tell me, Magic bag?!" Asked George.

"It would seem that way" laughed Emily.

"Wicked I want some TNT!" Laughed George, not expecting Emily to hand him some.

"Just don't light the.."

!BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Suddenly the entrance gave way and collapsed sealing them all in.

"You complete and utter tit" growled Emily.

"Whoops!"

"We now have but one choice..." said Gandalf as he glared at George who was being hit over the head by Emily.

"...We must face the long dark of Moria. Be on your guard. There are older and fouler things than Orcs in the deep places of the world." Finished Gandalf.

"Hey Em!" Whispered George. "Guess what Legolas and Gimli look like from the back."

"Don't you think you've said enough? Go on then what?"

"Snow White and the one dwarf!" Laughed George, "Hey Gimli, where are the other six!"

Gimli began to snarl.

"I think he must be Grumpy"

"Quietly now! It's a four day journey to the other side..." Started Gandalf

.

"Not if we have Quad bikes..!" Exclaimed George.

Emily tipped her bag upside down letting the Quad bikes that had formed in her bag fall down a ravine. "I don't think so!"

"...Let us hope our presence may go unnoticed."

The Fellowship trundled along ignoring the pleas from George that Quad bikes were a good idea.

"The wealth of Moria was not in Gold or jewels but mithril!" Exclaimed Gandalf.

The Fellowship peered down into the depths of Moria.

"I can't move" came a small voice at the back of the group.

The Fellowship turned to see Emily clutching the walls.

"Now what!" Sighed Aragorn.

"She's scared of heights always has been always will be!" Laughed George as Emily fainted landing in a heap at Merry's feet.

"Great!" Sighed Aragorn.

"Here let me" said Legolas quietly as he picked the sleeping Emily up.

"I'm not so sure that is wise, I mean what if she wakes up, she'll she you and have a heart attack or maybe a seizure of some sort and then what'll we do. I doubt very much that you have the NHS here and pacemakers are probably in short supply!" Babbled George.

Legolas along with the rest of the Fellowship looked on at George in confusion.

"We do not have time for this, let Legolas carry her, we must keep moving." Said Gandalf sternly.

"This would never of happened if we had Quad bikes!"

****

The Fellowship approached a chamber made up of three doorways.

"I have no memory of this place" whispered Gandalf.

"Great!" Sniggered George.

Gandalf sat upon a rock at a distance from the rest of the group with Frodo by his side. Aragorn and Boromir sat by each other smoking their pipes.

"You can get lung cancer from that!" Said a shocked George.

Boromir chose to ignore this and Aragorn began to get agitated.

"If your supposed to know what happens why don't you tell Gandalf which door it is and save us from your ranting on?!"

"Well if you're going to be like that!" Started George. "I don't actually know which door it is because I can't remember, and I didn't read the book! And yes we can't see into the future, if we could we would be millionaires. If you are so anxious to get out of here why don't you ask Emily?"

George looked over to Emily who was still sleeping in the arms of Legolas.

"Why don't you just stick her on the floor? She won't mind honestly!" Smirked George.

Legolas hesitated but them began to lower her to the floor under the glare of George.

"I would ask her but she won't wake up!" Groaned Aragorn.

With this George picked up a skin of water and proceeded to drown Emily with it.

"What the...." Screamed Emily as she sat up with a start. "Not again! George stop wasting the water, I mean I think there is someone else who is in more need of a wash than me and I think we all know who that is!"

"Well if you would stop fainting I wouldn't have to keep waking you up.!" Retaliated George.

"Where are we now anyway? Ahh the three doors! Hang on if I was asleep how did I get here?"

"Well Legolas carried you!" Smiled Sam.

Emily's eyes widened and she began to look as if she was going faint again.

"Oh no you don't" shouted George, "This lot need you to tell them what door it is"

"Well there could be a problem with that!" Said Emily noticing the anger

gathering on Aragorn's face.

"What kind of problem?" Chirped Sam who had become quite chatty all of a

sudden.

"Well it doesn't actually say which door in the book! And as for the film I kind of was paying attention to something else!" Smiled Emily.

"What?" Asked Sam

Emily shot him a look, "Well I was watching Orlando Bloom! If you knew what he looked like you wouldn't be watching Gandalf!"

"Whose Orlando Bloom?" Inquired Pippin, since Sam had got over questioning Emily.

"He is an actor who plays one of the Fellowship" answered George.

"Which one?" Added Merry not noticing the finality to the conversation put in by George.

"Well I think I had better help Gandalf!" Said Emily quickly as she got up hoping she wouldn't have to answer.

Emily began to stand in each doorway and sniff the air.

"What is she doing!" Inquired Boromir.

"I believe she is trying to figure out which door it is!" Answered George.

"Well I think she is just wasting our time"

Emily who had heard this comment was getting sick of Boromir, "Oh Boz just to warn you, try and avoid big black arrows because they don't do anything for your complexion or your heart beat for that matter." Emily along with

George began to giggle.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Asked Boromir with a slight crack in his voice.

Emily ignored him as she stuck her nose into the third door.

"I asked you a question!" Bellowed Boromir.

Emily turned around, smiled and said, "auta-miqula-orqu" then returned to sniffing the air.

Legolas and Aragorn began to laugh and even Gandalf raised his mouth in an attempt to smile. Boromir looked on in confusion.

"What did she say Aragorn?"

"Well I think she told you to go kiss an Orc!" Exclaimed Aragorn as he tried to hold in his laughter.

Before Boromir could retaliate Emily announced; "It's that way!"

"She is right" smiled Gandalf as he dragged himself of his rock.

"How do you know?" Asked Merry.

"Well it don't stink like the others!"

"Yes, if in doubt Meriadoc follow your nose!" Gleamed Gandalf.

"One flaw with that theory, if he followed his nose he would always end up next to Aragorn. Which may I add is not a desirable place to be." Said George.

****

"Let me risk a little more light!" Said Gandalf as he held up his staff. "Behold the great realm and Dwarf-city Dwarrowdelf."

"There's an eye opener and no mistake!" Gasped Sam.

"You think this is big you should check out Bluewater shopping center, I lost five pounds walking round just once!" Exclaimed George.

"Ohh..!!!!!!!"

"Gimli!"

"Here we go!" Moaned George.

***********

Em: Ohwee! That was fun! Can we do it again?

Geo: Urm Em it's fiction we didn't actually do this. * Hands Emily her medication* Please review it's the only way I can pay for Em's Medication.