A/N: George: Emily hasn't done her English coursework! Ha Ha Ha
Emily: yes rub it in. Updates may become slower with both of us facing impending exams!
George: Anyhow thank you to Tidus'luvr99 for reviewing twice! I love you in all your brain-dead glory. He He Thank you!
Emily: And thank you to harukafan80 a returning reviewer! Yay. Don't worry I won't scare him off. What would the fic be without Legolas! *thinks about the quad bike and grins*
Disclaimers: Emily: What's that?! George: It looks like a ghost! E: Why is it following us? G: It looks like Tolkien! I think his pissed off with us because we nicked his characters! E: Nice ghosty, I promise to give them back when we're finished. G: I think he's leaving now.
Chapter Eleven - Nice Horsy!
The Fellowship crouched behind some large boulders as the company of riders galloped past them.
Suddenly Aragorn sprung up and called out;
"Riders of Rohan what news from the Mark?"
The lead Rider raised his arm and soon the Fellowship was surrounded.
"Yeah, nice one Aragorn." Smirked George.
"What business does an elf, three men, a dwarf and a... A... Woman!" Began the rider.
"Wow! You can tell I'm a woman." Said Emily, her voice dripping with sarcasm.
"What business do you have in the Riddermark?" Finished the lead rider who was staring shamelessly at Emily's chest.
"Hi, I'm up here!" Yelled Emily.
Legolas cleared his throat, "Eyes. Up. Now." Legolas was very protective over his 'friend'.
"She's not allowed to date till she is forty elf-boy!" called George.
This snapped the rider out of his daze and he turned sharply to the dwarf who began to speak.
"Give me your name, horse-master, and I shall give you mine."
The rider dismounted and snarled; "I would cut off your head, Dwarf, if it stood but a little higher from the ground."
As quick as lightning Legolas had an arrow notched and was aiming it at the rider's head.
"You would die before your stroke fell!"
"Aye! Avast!" Added Emily who was stuck in the wrong film.
Spears grew closer and George got an unfortunate prod in the rear.
"Owww! My arse, compensation, this butt is Godly, world renowned!"
"That sounded gay." Emily laughed, she turned to the man holding the spear near Legolas' head, "If you touch one hair on my elf's head I will disembowel you!"
The man slowly drew his spear back without hesitation
"Muppet," added George as he pulled Legolas' bow down.
Aragorn who could see the situation escalating out of control, began the introductions.
"I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn. This is Gimli, son of Gloin, Boromir of Gondor and Legolas of the woodland realm."
"Look at that jaw line," swooned Emily.
"I am George the wise, King of England and this is Emily, Queen of Orlando." George took a graceful bow and poked his sister forcing her to fall into a curtsy, "We are from the other realm."
"We are friends of Rohan and Theoden, your King." Stated Aragorn.
"Theoden no longer recognizes friend from foe. Not even his own kin." Satisfied with the names the rider removed his helmet.
"Look it's Eomer! Hey how you doing mate? Is Eowyn still as fine as ever!?" Cried George.
"Do I know you?"
"Not yet, but you will."
Eomer shrugged his shoulders, "Saruman has poisoned the mind of the King and claimed lordship over these lands. My company are those loyal to Rohan and for that, we are banished."
"Bummer!" Remarked Emily.
"The White wizard is cunning. He walks here and there, they say as an old man hooded and cloaked. And everywhere his spies slip past our nets."
This last sentence was directed in the elf's direction.
"My elf is not a spy!" Exclaimed Emily.
"I am not YOUR elf," snapped Legolas.
"That's not what you said in that pesky dream of yours," replied Emily with a huge grin plastered on her face.
Legolas soon shut up but not before muttering, "It was more like a nightmare."
"We are no spies. We track a party of Uruk-Hai westward across the plain. They have taken two of our friends captive." Stated Aragorn.
"The Uruks are destroyed. We slaughtered them during the night." Said Eomer as he lowered his head in what could have been interpreted as shame.
The conversation continued but Emily was oblivious to it, her brain had gone off to far and distant lands namely planet Orlando.
Dream sequence:
Legolas and Emily skipping hand in hand through a field of roses, Legolas begins to sing 'Your Song' to her while he removes his tunic...
"Urm Em?" Asked George who was the one person that had noticed the absent look on his sister's face, "What up?"
Emily started to ramble an excuse; "Do you reckon I could hit that birds nest with this apple?"
"No."
"I wasn't going to do it but it's a thought isn't it?" She pondered.
"You are strange!"
"Do you reckon Aragorn could?"
"Probably not, but Legolas, now he definitely could."
"How about Gimli?"
"Well he has a distinct disadvantage, with him being lacking in altitude and all."
"What about if he was on Frodo's shoulders?"
"I'm not sure if I want to answer that."
"Do you think you two could pay attention!" Growled Aragorn interrupting the strange and lack of workings that were those of Emily and George's minds.
"What did we miss?" George turned to see the riders galloping off. "Didn't they say they were to ride north?"
"Yes." Came the simple answer from the simple Boromir.
"Then why are they riding east?"
"Master George has a point." Pointed out Legolas.
Aragorn sighed.
"We have been given two horses and there are six of us. Seeing as you two know what happens and are supposed geniuses I was hoping that you would give us some council."
"Let me see," begun George. "Aragorn and Gimli can ride one horse, Boromir and I the second horse and Emily and her elf the third one!"
"Firstly, I am not her elf and secondly, what third horse?" Said Legolas with all the composure he could muster.
"That one," announced Emily as Shadowfax presented himself.
"Excuse me gentlemen," said George as he pulled his sister to the side.
"What are you doing? I thought you were going to get a horse from your bag."
"But its such a pretty pony...Horse!" Replied Emily.
"Yes but its Gandalf's pretty horse!"
"Look Gandalf is in the big scary forest and anyway Shadowfax likes me I feed him cookies!" She smiled.
"I thought the cookies were for the reviewers?"
"They seem to prefer hugs from Legolas."
The teenagers returned to the group.
"That is one of the Mearas unless my eyes are cheated by some spell." Said Legolas softly.
"How did you come by that horse?!" Grumbled Boromir.
"Don't address Shadowfax as 'that horse' I mean show some decorum!" Protested Emily.
The fellowship mounted their horses.
"Emily, isn't Shadowfax a boy?" Asked George sounding slightly bemused.
"Of course you goon."
"Are you sure? Because he is missing something quite important for the whole, 'to be considered male' deal."
"Don't be so stupid of course he has got a..." Emily gasped. "What did you do with it?!"
"Huh?!"
"You stole it!"
"How the hell do you steal a horses... On second thoughts don't answer that."
"Shall I explain?" Asked Legolas who was holding onto Emily so she would not fall off Shadowfax in her quest for the missing manhood.
Emily, on the subject of manly parts began to remember an incident involving sausages and trees. With this her mind began to wonder... again.
Dream sequence:
Emily and Legolas are in a bath full of strawberries and cream. Legolas feeds her while whispering sweet nothings.
George disturbed Emily's dream, "Yes we would love to be enlightened!"
Emily came back to earth with a bump but not before mumbling "Yum!"
"What!" Yelled George.
"Nothing just strawberries!" She sighed. "Please continue."
"You said that this journey was made into a film, so, could it be that the director..."
"Peter Jackson."
"...Could it be that Peter Jackson used a female horse instead of a male one and since, that is the only image you have it has imprinted on your minds?" Finished the elf.
"And who said blondes were stupid?!" Grinned Emily who was a fellow blonde.
"I am still on the fact that I have the absence of a horse's scrotum imprinted in my mind!" Moaned George.
The Fellowship arrived at a pile of Uruk-Hai carcasses.
"Vomit becoming an issue!" Sulked Emily.
****
A/N: Emily: Thank you to my bestest buddy Lauren 'Queen of Smut' for noticing the lack of manhood on Shadowfax in The Two Towers.
George: What was with the dream sequences?
Emily: Sorry couldn't resist! Chapter twelve might take a while, as we seem to have hit a bump in the road as to the reappearance of Gandalf.
George: Everything we find funny about it no one else seems
to! Funny ol' world innit?