A/N: E: Good Evening loyal readers. Today is the day where Liz 'lil' smartass' is written into the story for the pure reason of taking the complete p**s out of her. Do not worry she will not be offended (well, not much) as she is a friend of mine and is used to this treatment.
Hey to Voyd! TNT equals major fun. The piccie of Legolas in hi crown was from theorlandobloomfiles.net or com can't really remember!
George: See Em, Vody thinks 'yes master' is a piece of literary genius! It shall be quoted for all the age of Middle-earth!
Emily: *grumble, grumble*
George: Hey Tidus'luvr99, I love nemo!
Emily: Nemo lame!!!!!!! Anyway, Sorry to NiphrediL-GED for the shortness of the last chapter, I hope this one is slightly longer, oh and I am never busy enough to ignore returning reviewers needs and shall be reading your story as soon as I have posted this!
Disclaimer- I know nothing about the kidnapping of Legolas!
Chapter Thirteen - Alone at last
"This is you're fault!" grumbled Legolas kicking at a rock as he waited for Emily to catch up.
"Excuse me?!" protested Emily.
"If it was not for you stealing Shadowfax, Gandalf would not have got angry and made you walk to Edoras!" Continued the elf.
"He made you walk as well!"
"Only because he did not want you traveling alone."
"Ahh Bless! Scared about the damage that could be done to me!" Smirked Emily.
"More like the damage that you could do!"
"Quit bitching! It's all right for you; you've got that whole never tire thing! I still don't see why you won't let me conjure up a Quad bike."
Legolas raised both eyebrows in horror; "No Quad bikes! Do you not remember what happened last time?!"
"No! Because some idiot could not control what was between his legs and crashed into a tree. I mean the Quad bike not anything else that might happen to be in between your legs. Not that I think about what is in between your legs, because that would not be right," Emily was now rambling, "but now I come to think about it I suddenly remember the distinct images of sausages when that bike ride comes to mind! Why I do not think I will ever find out unless you would care to tell me, but that must just be me being stu…"
"Stop!" yelped Legolas, "Urm I think it is time we stopped for the night." He finished, regaining his composure.
"I thought elves didn't need to rest?"
"We do not. However, humans do. You look half dead."
"I will take that as a compliment seeing as you noticed."
Outside Edoras…
"Tell me again why we are not going in?" Asked George.
"For the fifth time, we are waiting for Legolas and Emily." Answered the weary ranger.
"Which leads me to my next question," began George. "Why?"
"Because we need to enter as a Fellowship. We are a team!" Replied Aragorn.
"You sounded like a cheerleader then." Laughed Boromir, who had been taking sarcasm lessons from George.
"Then why in all that is holy did we leave then behind in the first place!?" Yelled the impatient teenager.
"To teach them a lesson!" bellowed Gandalf.
"Well it was hardly Legolas' fault was it?!"
"I could not leave her on her own!"
"Yes but why Legolas? That is like leaving me alone with Sarah Michelle Geller!"
George's point was lost on the rest. He let out a long sigh.
"We have to wait for a valuable member of the Fellowship!" Huffed the Dwarf.
"Em is not that valuable."
"I meant Legolas!"
"Oh! Someone has a crush!"
Night camp, one mile from Edoras…
"Stop fidgeting!"
"I am an elf, I can assure you I do not fidget."
"Then what is that by my feet?!"
Emily peered down to find a small round ball of fur snuggling up against her feet.
"RAT!"
Emily jumped a good two feet into the air, squealing and yelping giving the rat adequate time to find somewhere else to sleep.
Legolas laughed.
"Fine laugh at me! It not as if I cold, tired and lonely." Pouted Emily.
"Lonely?" Questioned Legolas.
"I always get lonely when George is far away. Despite him being a brat of a brother sometimes he is also my best friend! Great, now I am becoming all gushy and sentimental! This is your fault."
"Me! How?"
"Well there is no one else to blame so you will have to do."
"Come here." Beckoned Legolas.
"Why?"
"Because you are cold and lonely and I am warm and companionable. Do you see the connection?"
"Do not patronize me elf-boy! I'm only doing this so I can get some sleep. It has nothing to do with the fact that I happen to like you quite a lot."
"You like me a lot?" Smirked Legolas.
"Like that is not obvious!"
"So what exactly do you like about me then?"
"Drop it!"
The next morning outside Edoras…
"I can see them. Look!" cried George as Legolas and Emily appeared over the horizon.
George grabbed his sister and hugged her until a loud crack was heard.
"My rib! You twit!" Whimpered Emily.
"Whoops, I just missed you that's all."
Emily wrinkled her nose and turned away.
"Do not worry, she missed you too." Whispered Legolas.
"Edoras and the Golden Hall of Meduseld. There dwells Theoden, King of Rohan whose mind is overthrown." Stated Gandalf.
"How do you overthrow a mind? Do you have to under throw it first?" Questioned George.
"I stand bemused at that question!" Pondered Emily.
The Fellowship passed through the paths of Edoras. Gandalf had told them not to expect any welcome but that did not discourage George from insisting to shake everyone's hand he passed.
"Hi, nice to meet you. Hey how you doing? Whassup me man?! Yo dude!"
"Could you please refrain from doing that?" Muttered Aragorn.
"You'll find more cheer in a graveyard!" Scoffed the Dwarf.
"Especially when you are loaded up on Rum at Halloween!" Giggled Emily remembering the occurrences of the previous year's festivities on all Hallows eve.
They made their way up the stairs of the great hall only to be halted by Hama, one of the King's guards.
"I cannot allow you before Theoden King so armed, Gandalf Greyhame. By order of Grima Wormtongue."
Gandalf gave the nod to indicate the giving up of weapons. This earnt a groan from the men, gulps from the two teenagers, a grunt from the Dwarf and a smirk from the elf.
"I think someone likes using their bare hands!" Coughed Emily.
The Fellowship entered the hall and began to make their way towards the ineffectual King.
"He looks like he could do with some Anti-freeze!" Yelled Emily as she proceeded to spray the entire contents of a bottle retrieved from her bag over everyone in the room.
Aragorn began to choke.
"Urm Em are you sure that's Anti-freeze?" Asked George slightly worried about the strange shade of green the Ranger was turning.
"Of course it's Anti-fre… Oh no wait, it's definitely perfume! You're not allergic are you Aragorn?" Smirked Emily.
Gandalf intervened; "The courtesy of your hall is some what lessened of late, Theoden King."
"Why should I welcome you Gandalf Stormcrow?" Asked the withered King.
"Because he is Gandalf the pink and you should honor him!" Bellowed George from behind a pillar.
"Do you think I should hide behind a pillar Legolas? Because those guys over there do not look too friendly!" Yelped Emily.
"Do not fear Lady Emily I will look after you. (A.N: Shameless writing from the authoress! In her dreams!)" Answered the elf that stood proud and fearless.
A black robed creep of a man rose and started a stuttered walk towards Gandalf.
"Late is the hour in which this conjurer chooses to appear. Lathspell I name him…"
"Ozzy Osbourne's really let himself go!" Grinned George.
"…Ill news is an ill guest." Finished Grima.
"Be silent! Keep your forked tongue behind your teeth!" Snapped the wizard.
"Go Gandalf, go Gandalf." This cheer was brought to you by the comedy stylings of Emily and George who are set to perform at a bar near you, coming soon!
"Ooooh a fight!" Stated George as the Fellowship began to pound on the ratty men that had been looking rather shifty throughout this encounter.
"Theoden son of Thengal, too long have you sat in the shadows." Began Gandalf.
"Argh! Big man about to strangle…urh…blah…" Just as Emily was about to pass out her knight in shining armor came to save… oh no hang on a sec, Aragorn came to her aid.
"Damn you Legolas! So much for protecting me. Now I owe Mr. Stinky one!" Gagged Emily.
"Bit busy right now. Sorry!" Apologized Legolas all the while delivering a beautiful back hander to one of Grima's cronies.
"I release you from the spell." Whispered Gandalf.
The King sneered and let out a ragged laugh; "You have no power here Gandalf the GREY!"
Gandalf ripped of his outer grey cloak to reveal his true colour. In case you're wonder his robes were white and not in fact pink as George seems to think.
"What a great advert for Daz!" Gazed Emily in awe.
"Will you shut up to foolish child!" Hollered Gandalf.
Emily let out a whimper and hid behind Legolas.
"Do you always have to shout at her?!" Roared Legolas, now strangely protective over Emily.
"What's this an elf defying a wizard?!" Sniggered Boromir.
"Urm…Now perhaps not the best time for sarcasm Boz." Whispered George watching the staring contest going on between Legolas and Gandalf.
Finally the wizard admitted defeat against the commanding resolute gaze of the elf.
"You're my dreamboat." Gushed Emily.
"I will draw you Saruman, as poison is drawn from a wound." Said Gandalf concentrating on the job at hand.
"If I go Theoden dies."
This did not dissuade the wizard and soon the King was free of Saruman. A lady in white rushed in to the room.
"Eowyn, my Love!" Gasped George as he swept her off her feet.
"Do I know you?" She asked slightly bemused.
"You will." He smiled and then continued to drawl out words of love and devotion.
"Why don't you ever say those things to me?" Sniggered a pouting Legolas.
This was answered by a prod in the ribs by Emily.
All of a sudden a clatter was heard as the King dropped his sword; "Where is Theodred? Where is my son?"
****
All were at the funeral of Theodred except one.
"I never liked funerals." Muttered Emily.
"Psst!"
"Who's there?"
"Down here!" (A/N: Slight dig at the fact that the real Liz is only 4ft tall.)
Emily looked down.
"Liz! What? How? What?"
"Three excellent questions. I'm in hiding! Quick come with me."
Liz dragged Emily into a nearby stable
"From what?" Asked Emily.
"Well since you buggered off I had no ones Maths to copy so I didn't do my coursework and now Mrs. Hunt is on the war path!"
"And you thought what? Hey she'll never look for me on Middle-earth!"
"This is Middle-earth?"
"Well, duh!"
"As in Lord of the Rings Middle-earth?"
"No as in Frankie goes to Hollywood Middle-earth. Of course Lord of the Rings you cretin! Liz? Eliza…"
Emily looked down to find Liz passed out on the floor.
"Great! Now I am going to have to drag her body to someone who actually cares."
Before Emily could formulate a genius plan with map, diagrams and catapults to rid herself of Liz Gandalf and Aragorn, who were discussing something about the fifth day, interrupted her.
Emily who had not yet been noticed got an attack of boredom. She loitered behind Gandalf and Shadowfax getting up to something until Legolas walked in and pulled her out of the way as Gandalf sat himself upon the mighty Shadowfax.
"What is that in your hand?" Asked Legolas.
"A stapler." Replied Emily with a simplicity that she could only manage. Before Legolas got the chance to question her anymore Gandalf spurred Shadowfax and a terrific rip was heard.
Emily had stapled Gandalf's robes to the stable wall. Gandalf was left riding off into the distance completely starkers.
"Scarred. For. Life." Was all Emily could utter before joining Liz in a heap on the floor.
****
Edoras was set to empty the next day. The Fellowship were shown to their individual rooms and Liz was dragged to the healing rooms, as Eowyn had insisted being unconscious for over five hours was not a good sign.
****
"Bed, check. Clean clothes, check. Bath, check. Naked elf by the name of Legolas, no where in sight!"
Emily wondered around her newly acquired room in a state of pure boredom.
*Right come on brain. We need to find something to do otherwise we'll end up getting into trouble. *
*I thought I made it perfectly clear that I don't want anything more to do with you! *
*Pleeeeeeeaaaaaassssssseeeeeeeeee! *
*No*
*Can't we call a truce? *
*What do I get out of it? *
*I promise never to drink vodka ever again. *
*Liar. *
*Ok Ok, I urm… I… promise to listen to you at all times. *
*Really?! *
*Yep. *
*Are you sure about that? *
*Of course. *
*Ok I have an idea. *
*You do?! *
*Of course I do, I'm a brain! *
*Oh! *
*I think Legolas would look good with blue hair. *
*Excuse me?! *
*What? A bit of colour would do him good. *
*No way. *
*You promised. *
*Yeah but that's just ludicrous! *
*No it's not, it is genius. *
*Are you sure? *
*Duh! I'm a brain! I am always sure. *
*Fine, but if this goes wrong I am calling off the truce. *
*Excellent. *
*What did you say?! *
*Nothing, just get on with it. *
So Emily finished her conversation with her brain and began her journey through the countless corridors and rooms that led to Legolas' chambers.
*Now be really quiet. * Began Emily's brain.
"Ssssshh! I can't think with you talking all the time!"
*You can't think without me anyway! *
Emily snuck in and gazed at the sleeping elf.
*We will have to get him to sleep with his eyes closed when we are married. That's really creepy. *
Taking special care not to make any noise Emily got underway with her hairdressing techniques.
*Is it supposed to do that? *
"Do what?" Whispered Emily.
*Turn pink. *
"It's not turning pi… Oh crap it's turning pink! What do I do?!"
*What you asking me for? *
"Because you're my brain, you cretin!"
*Well if you're going to call me names! Fine, fine, I have an idea. *
"You do?!"
*Don't start that again! *
"Sorry, this idea then?"
*RUN! *
With this Emily was out the door. It took Emily and her brain over three hours to get back to her room where she promptly fell asleep, tortured by restless dreams of a pink haired Legolas refusing to marry her.
****
George: We said the update would take ages last time but Em had a sudden surge of excitement and could not stop writing this chapter, so cookies for Em. It may have been due to the wonderful reviewers!!!!
Emily: Saying that I have worn my typing fingers out so I may need some extra time to churn my part of the next chapter out. However, it does have a name "Taking the blame". Hope you enjoyed this one. Oh, and don't worry I will cause lil'smartass lots more pain and suffering until I decide to dispose of her!