A/N: George: We are back! Did you miss us? What do you mean no?!

Emily: Thank you to our reviewers we love you.

Shadowz: TROGDOR IN ALL HIS MAGESTY!

Ayiicaalim: My fair wench Lauren I love you. George: Gophers!?

Legolasluver02 – Look out for Captain Obvious at the end of this chapter.

Tidus'luvr99 – Glad the chapter cheered you up. Hope the school trip didn't suck.

Voyd – Schoolwork = major pain in the arse.

Pretendingtobesane – I shall never be a Mary-Sue!!!!!!!!!! I wish I had someone to carry my books maybe Ayiicaalim could volunteer! *Emily looks hopefully*

Disclaimer: We only own the computer we are using to type this and occasion waky mannerism that we use.

Chapter Sixteen – Home or Tictacs?

"Something is wrong." Stated Aragorn.

"Tell me about it. You fall off a cliff and leave me to stop this pyromaniac setting things alight." Boromir stared at George who was setting fire to one of Legolas' arrows and sticking it in pile of hay. "And if that wasn't bad enough I've have to deal with these two sucking face!"

George immediately reacted to this and pulled apart the elf and his sister.

"How many times do I have to say this?! Not till you are forty!"

Aragorn sighed.

"Welcome Home Aragorn!" He commented dryly, "Where is the King?"

Boromir gestured to the stairs.

"Lle abdollen," said Legolas with all the composure he could muster.

Aragorn began to head off but before he was out of earshot Legolas said the line we have all been waiting for,

"You look terrible."

Aragorn raised an eyebrow.

"I second that notion, but at least this time he has an excuse." Added George who was removing yet more arrows from Legolas' quiver.

"What are you doing?" Asked Boromir.

"Jenkie jenkie." Was all that George gave as a reply before scuttling off down the corridor.

****

"So how long do think they're going to be then?" Asked George as he began to construct some bizarre object out of Legolas' arrows.

Emily and George were sat outside the King's hall awaiting news. Aragorn had returned from his little 'trip' and by the look on his face things were not good.

"No idea! Oh this is lame." Sighed Emily. "So much for a quest of fun. We are going to die icky gross deaths at the hands of creatures that fine black metal bondage way to interesting."

"Good point, well I suppose we had better formulate some sort of plan to save our sorry butts."

"Alternately we could just start writing our epitaphs."

"We could go home." Stated George bluntly. "I mean I don't think that bag is just useful for conjuring up TNT."

"Do you want to go home?"

"Haven't really thought about it." Answered George honestly, "You?"

"Legolas mentioned it once but I really don't want to go back yet, though if you wanted to leave you know I'd follow."

"What about Legolas?"

"Well if we left the bag here he could always wish me back whenever he nee…"

"Well then," interrupted George, "seeing as we are staying it is time to think Tictacs!"

"Yes because small sugary mints are the secret to bringing the Uruks down to their knees!" Announced Emily dramatically.

"Tactics, I meant tactics!"

"Before we start doing the brain thing shouldn't we actually learn to fight?"

"Well I am a black belt in Karate!" Exclaimed George proudly. "And hopefully you remember some kick-ass moves from your Mary-Sue days. Now we need to decide what weapons we want to us…"

"What is that?" Asked Emily interrupting George's line of thought.

"What?"

"That thing you have been making out of my elf's arrows."

"Oh! It's a sling shot." Answered George admiring the object in his hands. "It is for when Gimli and Liz finally return. Where are they anyway?"

"Aragorn said we didn't want to know!"

"Eww! Bad thoughts, bad thoughts!" Cringed George.

"So what are you planning to do once they arrive?" Asked Emily suspiciously.

"Ha! You'll have to wait and see." George rose dramatically. "To the armory!"

With this George was off with a reluctant Emily in tow. Upon arriving George spent hours sorting though weapons and throwing them into coordinating piles.

"What are you doing?" Asked a bemused Boromir

"Being creative." Answered George with a grin.

"And her?" Asked Boromir pointing at Emily who had fallen asleep amongst the broad swords.

George's answer was muffled as he investigated the heap of chain mail.

"Anyway, you asked me to let you know when Gimli and Liz returned, well they have just been spotted approaching the Deep."

 "Excellent! Boz man do me a favour. Keep Emily here."

"What do I do if she wakes up?"

"Well she is always a bit dappy when she first awakes so just pretend you are Legolas and it'll be fine!"

"George!" Yelled Boromir.

"Improvise my dear Boromir!" George called back as he scuttled off.

"Improvise?"

"Mmm…hmmm…Legolas…mmm!" Emily sat up with a start and surveyed her surroundings through sleepy eyes. "Where's George?" She mumbled.

"Improvise, improvise." Whispered Boromir to himself. "Umm…he…is…sleeping!"

"Sleeping?"

"Yes he is sleeping that is exactly what he is doing. Sleeping yes!" Boromir was quite pleased with his little improvisation.

"Well let us go wake him up." Emily began to stretch.

"NO!" Yelped Boromir suddenly not so pleased with his newfound talent of thinking on the spot.

"And precisely why not?"

"Because…because…he…he…um…he…"


"Yes…" Pressed Emily. "He what Boromir?" The fuming had begun.

"He…he's not alone!" Boromir yelped.

"He what?!!!"

"Urm…No I didn't mean that…Argh!"

"Who? What? Where?"

"Three excellent questions, which I shall endeavor to answer for you if you wait here and I just leave, right now!"

"Oh no you don't! You will stay here and I will go and find George." Emily stormed out of the armory in search of her horny older brother.

"Oh boy!" Boromir exclaimed.

****

The young hero stood atop the battlements the west wind ruffling his hair. His left fist gripped tightly closed causing his knuckles to pale. His right clutching his weapon fashioned from the arrows of a mighty warrior. All that stood between him and the two wanderers approaching was a strong wall and a piece of tumbleweed that ran across the landscape being chased by the wind.

A/N: Emily: Urm…George you're not in a Western you know?

George: I'd make a brilliant cowboy!

The young man raised his weapon and followed the path of the tumbleweed. Bells tolled in the background, the wind whistled through the paths of the Deep. He was ready to take out this prey. A missile that was very similar to a boring old rock (Ok lets face it, it was just a boring old rock) was placed in the slingshot. He took aim, first at the short one.

A/N: Emily: That could be either of them!

He pulled back at the rubber, lining up his shot with the head of the unsuspecting girl that plodded along with her hairy friend. The tension in the air was great.

****

"Gimli? Is that George standing up there?" Asked Liz.

"Yes I believe that is Master George. I wonder what he is doing?" Grumbled the dwarf. "So how do you know those two then? They can't be as mad as they are here on their own planet!"

"I think they are worse back on earth! Emily is in my class at school, she is a devout insomniac with some schizophrenic tendencies. She also has that annoying thing where she can get A*'s in all exams without revising and with a hangover! George is one conniving dude, that guy could plan the entire universe's downfall on a post-it note if you gave him the opportunity. Oh and they both have severe attention deficit disorder, which means if you try to explain something important to them, like for instance… there is a big rock heading this way, they would just forget you had even spoke. Oh crap! There is a big rock heading this way!" Liz tried to duck but due to her rather annoying habit of going off on random tangents she was too late.

"Bullseye!" Cried George at the top of his lungs.

"Noooo Liz my dear!" Yelped Gimli. "Oh what has he done? Wake up, please wake up!"

George who was too busy doing his victory dance failed to notice Emily approaching at top speed.

"I want a word with you!" Screamed Emily knocking George over and throwing his own slingshot at an important part of a boy's anatomy.

"What?!"

"Who is it then? This harlot you have been sleeping with! It's alright for you to get pelvic but if I so much as hug Legolas you scare him off with your overprotective big brother attitude!"

"I have a harlot?" Asked George slightly confused.

"It's that Eowyn isn't it?"

"Wait just a sec who told I was, as you delightfully put it, 'getting pelvic' with someone?"

"Boromir told me why you were so conveniently missing!"

"BOROMIR!" Yelled George.

Boromir slowly poked his head out of a doorway.

"I said improvise not ruin my ability to have children!"

"I'm not good at quick thinking!" Cried Boromir.

"You're not good at thinking full stop!" Yelped George, "Now help me up!"

Boromir pulled George to his feet, "Anyway, how did the plan go?"

"What plan?" Asked Emily. "Why were you out here anyway?"

"Well remember when you said you wanted to get rid of Liz. Like for instance sending her home or maybe accidentally killing her?"

"No I don't remember saying that! What have you done?"

"See for yourself." Suggested Boromir pointing to the two huddled figures upon the horizon.

Emily and Boromir were soon in full sprint to inspect George's handiwork.

"She isn't moving!" Sobbed Gimli.

"Chill out dude. It's not like you two had anything going on." Emily paused. "Please never tell me." She cried seeing Gimli's eyebrows raise.

"Well she is dead. What do we do now?" Said Boromir.

"We could dig a hole maybe." Answered Emily.

"Or maybe burn her." Laughed George manically.

"No more soda for you." Whispered Boromir.

"Guys is it me, or are we all way too calm about the fact that George just murdered a innocent girl?" Asked Emily.

The four of them thought for a minute then looked at each other:

"Nah." They said in unison.

"Back to the Deep?" Suggested Emily.

"Why not? It's a bit nippy down here." Answered Gimli back to his usual self.

"So what about her then?" Asked Boromir as the four of them made their way back to Helms Deep and the armory.

"Ah, the Uruks will just compress her into the mud. We can scrape her out later if we feel like it." Said George.

"That's a good plan." Commented Emily.

"Well I do try!"

"Oh crap! I promised her a hug from Aragorn."

"Never mind she'll get over it. Or not considering that she is dead."

Gimli and Boromir entered the Armory, just as George was about to enter Emily grabbed his arm.

"George! Remember when I died, I got sent to Harry Potter land. You don't think…"

"Nah…that was just a fluke she wouldn't get there, would she?" Replied George.

Before Emily could answer Aragorn's raised voice could be heard, "Then I shall die as one of them!"

****

"Urgh…where am I?" Liz raised her head. "This looks like Hogw…"

"Hi I'm Ron, what's your name?" Said the rather bizarre but innocent looking redhead.

"I…I…Liz…I…Stone…came…" Babbled Liz.

"Hello Liz Stone, come with me."

Ron began to drag Liz down the corridor just as Voldermolt sprang out.

"Ha Ha you shall never defeat me Potter!" He cried.

"Ahhhhhh!!!!" Cried Ron and ran away.

"Oh great! Look Mr. V. sorry to disappoint you but Harry isn't here to be the big, but unlikely, hero right now. How about you come back later?"

"You shall die little girl!"

"I'm not that little!" Cried Liz before Mr. V. burst her into a mass of flames.

****

"Ok what just happened did Aragorn throw a hissy fit?" Asked Emily as she entered the armor.

"Legolas pissed him off!" Cried one of the villagers.

"My elf would do no such thing! Would you Leggsie?"

Legolas looked sheepish.

"Who sucks donkey-dick? Legolas sucks donkey-dick!" George began to chant.

"I do what?" Roared the elf.

"George shut-up!" Yelled Emily. "Now everyone listen to me!"

"Hey I'm older I'm in charge! Legolas go apologise. Gimli go put on your armour. Peasants ascend to the poop deck and Emily come confer with me." George paused waiting for everyone to move. "Well now then!"

"Emily it is time for some tactics. Right I have decided on my weapon for the battle but I'm gonna need your help. What about you what have you decided?"

"Well remember that wonderful poem you sung about TNT, well that could come in useful right about now. So what is it you need?"

George leant over and began to whisper in Emily's ear.

"You want me to pull that out of my bag! ARE YOU INSANE?!"

"No just creative." Answered George.

"Fine! But not until the battle is about to begin."

"Come on then let's find the guys."

****

"It's a little tight across the chest." Grunted Gimli as he pulled the chain mail over him.

Aragorn and Legolas looked on in amusement.

"Gimli! Ever the belle of the ball!" Cried George.

A horn sounded in the distance.

"That is no Orc horn!" Exclaimed Legolas.

"Captain Obvious!" Muttered George under his breath.

****

A/N: George: Ooooh the action is hotting up. Are you ready for Helms Deep?

Emily: hopefully the next chapter shouldn't take so long as Dad has lifted the ban on the internet after a lot of whining on my part!

George: Feel free to massage our egos. Mine is a bit sore after a nasty April fools prank played on me *pout*