A/N: Emily: Hey hope you all had a wicked Easter!
George: Sorry for the long update. Well at least I think it has been a long time! Anyhow Em and me have just eaten a bog load of Pizza and feel slightly sick at the mo. Oh well cold pizza for breakfast then!
Emily: Now I must apologize for the Song in this. Sorry Sorry Sorry!
Disclaimer: Sod Lord of the Rings we own nothing else that we have jacked for this fic.
Chapter Nineteen –It's the final countdown"Ooooh they're back!" Cried Emily as Gandalf, Aragorn and Legolas returned to the Keep.
"Where's that dwarf?" Asked George only to discover Emily had run off into the awaiting arms of Legolas.
"Stupid blonde bint." He sulked approaching them with a frown on his face.
"I missed you." Pouted Emily.
"I was not gone for long." Replied Legolas with a smirk on his face.
"Yes well it was long enough!"
"I am going to be sick!" Sighed George pushing the two of them apart. "Emily when are you going to learn that you are not to let this elf get fresh with you!"
"Get fresh?" Asked Legolas with a puzzled look.
"But I want him to get fresh with me!" Smiled Emily.
"Oh great, then guess who you'll come running to when you are pregnant with some pointy-eared half-breed thingy that has annoyingly blonde hair, stupidly blue eyes, sings all the fricking time and has the greatest sarcasm problem in the entire history of Middle-earth. Not to mention I would have to be an Uncle! Have you thought about that? Huh? Have you?"
Legolas and Emily stood there with their mouths wide open.
"Who's pregnant?" Asked Gimli from his seat upon a dead Uruk.
"Someone's pregnant?!" Gasped Aragorn.
Everyone looked at Emily.
"Hey! Just 'cause I'm the only girl here! I am not pregnant!"
"Are you sure? Would you like to lie down?" Inquired Gandalf.
"Well I wouldn't mind a nap but that's not the point."
"Legolas! How could you do this?!" Cried Aragorn.
"What?!" Cried the elf.
George at this point was in stream of tears and fits of giggles.
"You will have to marry her now." Ordered Gandalf.
"Ooooh I like that idea." Grinned Emily.
"Just wait a second." Said Legolas.
"You don't want to marry me!" Yelped Emily.
"Now honey, that's not what I meant." Legolas coaxed.
Emily joined Gimli on the dead Uruk.
"There there dear, we'll take care of you." Comforted the dwarf.
"She is not pregnant!" Cried Legolas in exasperation.
"He's in denial." Stated Aragorn.
"Legolas you must face up to your responsibilities!" Demanded Gandalf.
"What's going on?" Asked Boromir joining the conversation.
"How's Haldir?" Was all George could splutter in between laughs.
"He is just fine, thank you." Said Boromir curtly. "Why is Emily crying?"
"Legolas won't marry me." Cried Emily between sobs.
"The elf got her pregnant." Stated Aragorn giving Legolas his best reprimanding look.
"Legolas I'm surprised at you." Boromir shook his head.
"Ok guys, enough now." Began George. "As much as I am finding this way too funny I have to announce that Emily is not pregnant, never was, never will be."
"Hey!" Yelled Emily.
"Then why did..? I'm confused." Groaned Aragorn.
"Oh well never mind. Emily isn't pregnant. We won the battle. Legolas is Emily's bad books and Aragorn smells. All is normal and good in the world." Said George triumphantly. "So how did we all do then?"
"I didn't count." Aragorn answered.
"Thirty-four but I had to take care of Haldir." Answered Boromir.
"Is that what you call it?" Smirked Aragorn.
"Shut-up reek King." Interrupted Emily. "I think it's cute. We need more love in this world."
Legolas raised his eyebrows hopefully.
"Don't bet on it elf-boy. Anyway how many did you get?"
"Final count forty two." Legolas said smugly.
"Forty two." Mocked Gimli. "That's not bad for a pointy-eared elvish princeling."
Emily couldn't help bad swoon at the aggravated look on Legolas' face.
"I myself am sitting pretty on forty three."
Before anyone could say anything Legolas had let an arrow fly straight between Gimli's legs and into the Uruk Gimli and Emily were sat upon.
"Forty three." Legolas said.
"He was already dead." Said Gimli slightly higher in voice than usual.
"Where did the helium come from?" Whined George.
"Urm… I think Legolas shot slightly higher than in the films." Grinned Emily.
"He was twitching." Smirked Legolas in answer to Gimli.
"He was twitching because he's got my axe embedded in his central nervous system!" Cried Gimli to the amusement of everyone standing around.
"Lady Emily what was your score." Asked Legolas.
"Well it was all a bit of a blur really but I think around fifty-five."
"…" Said everyone.
"What?!"
"How did you manage that?" Laughed Aragorn.
"It was simple really. A bit of movement to the left. A side step to the right and I was in perfect position to fall down the stairs. Granted I took out thirty of our own men but it was kind of poetic justice don't you think?"
"How so?" Asked the painfully high Gimli.
"Well the noises they made all rhymed with fuc…"
"Well no time for this now, we must ride to Isengard." Said Gandalf quickly.
****
Gandalf upon Shadowfax led the group to Isengard. Emily sat behind Legolas despite the fact that he was still in need of punishing. (A/N: George: Don't even think about it Emily!) Boromir and Haldir rode together. Gimli was sitting rather uncomfortably atop Brego with Aragorn and finally George rode up between Eomer and Theoden's steeds atop Yoshie.
"Sauron's wrath will be terrible, his retribution swift. The battle for Helm's Deep is over. The battle for Middle-earth is about to begin." Declared Gandalf.
"Whoopty do!" Exclaimed George sarcastically.
"All our hopes now lie with to little Hobbits somewhere in the wilderness."
****
The horses slowly made their way though Fangorn forest towards the tower of Orthanc.
"Emily, I am sorry if I upset you earlier. I was just trying to sort out the situation your brother so helpfully got us in." Sighed Legolas not being able to bare the silence between him and Emily.
"Hhmmh!"
"Is that all you are going to say?" Asked Legolas doing that annoyingly cute lopsided grin he does so well.
"I am too busy right now to except your apology."
"Busy doing what?"
"Perfecting my Kiera Knightly pout and observing the way the tips of your ears turn pink every time I put my hand on your thigh."
"Well you do not remember the last time your hands went wondering."
"Are you ever going to tell me?"
"Maybe when we get married." Smiled Legolas.
"Do you mean that?" She said hopefully.
"Of course, unless your brother decides to kill me first."
Legolas was cut off by the sound of Hobbit laughter.
"Welcome, my Lords to Isengard!" Exclaimed Merry.
"Yay the little people are back!" Chirped George.
"You, young rascals!" Roared Gimli from behind Aragorn. "A merry hunt you've led us on, and now we find you feasting and…and…smoking!"
"Weeeeeeeeeed!!!!!!!!!" Screamed George with delight.
"We are sitting on a field of victory, enjoying a few well-earned comforts." Pippin grinned inanely. "The salted pork is particularly good."
The dwarfs conduct brightened immediately at this, "Salted pork?"
"Hobbits…" Laughed Gandalf to himself.
"Well this is great! Traipsing through floodwater. Yoshie's not as big as your horses you know!" Complained George.
"Young Master Gandalf." Began Treebeard.
"Young?" Inquired George failing to get an answer.
"I am glad you have come. Wood and water. Stock and stone I can master, but there is a wizard to manage here; locked in his tower."
"He's not going to stay there. He's going to open the door and release his wild evil gism free!" Sang George.
"Shut up you fuck!" Called Emily.
"Well let's just have his head and be done with it!" Grunted Gimli.
"No, he has no power anymore." Replied Gandalf.
"Gism." Stated George.
*slap* Emily got back on Arod this time in front of Legolas.
"The filth of Saruman is washing away." Said Treebeard.
"Hey what washing powder did you use 'cause Aragorn could really do with some." Asked Boromir.
"Trees will come back to live here."
"Can't we turn it into a Cuban tobacco harvest?" Asked George.
Emily shook her head in disappointment.
"Young trees, wild trees." Treebeard was verging on excitement.
"Pippin!" Yelled Aragorn as the young Hobbit picked up the Palantir.
"Ooooh my shiny thing!" Yelped George who jumped off Yoshie and ran towards the Hobbit with the ultimate intention of confiscating the afore said shiny thing.
"Peregrin Took, I'll take that, my lad." Said Gandalf holding out his hand.
The Hobbit seemed to take a minute before reluctantly handing over the Palantir.
"Thank you Gandalf for getting that for me…" Began George. "Now if you'll just hand it over." Gandalf began to ride off. "Hey! Gandalf…Gandalf…He's forgotten his hearing aid again!" George returned to Yoshie who was bouncing up and down. "I don't know what you are so happy about!"
The group returned to Edoras racing through the plains of Rohan to where a celebration was taking place.
"Tonight we remember those who gave their blood to defend this country." Announced Theoden holding out his goblet in honor. "Hail the victorious dead!"
"Hail" Sounded through the hall.
"Free beer!!!!!!!!!!!!" Celebrated Emily and George.
Eowyn approached Aragorn slowly holding a cup for him to drink from. "Westu, Aragorn, hal."
"What did she say?" Asked George to Emily.
"No matter how many post-it notes I put up telling her that Aragorn does not and will not fancy her she still doesn't seem to get the picture." Grumbled Emily.
"I am not having her choose Aragorn over me!" Fumed George.
"Hey don't sweat it. I have a feeling Eowyn is not all she is cracked up to be!"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You'll see. Ooooh singing!" Emily dragged George over to the table where Merry and Pippin were entertaining the crowds.
"Oh you can search far and wide,
you can drink the whole town dry,
but you'll never find a beer so brown as the one we drink in our home town!
You can keep your fancy ales,
you can drink them by the flagon,
but the only brew for the brave and true comes from the green dragon!"
"Hey you two." Called a random man from the crowd pointing at Emily and George. "Sing us a song!"
Emily and George looked at each other and climbed up onto the table.
"Are you sure this is wise?" Asked Legolas remembering the last time Emily and George launched into song,
"Yeah it'll be fine!" Smiled George.
"Right well here we go." Said Emily as George and herself launched into there version of 'Like a Virgin' by Madonna.
"I made it past clitoris, and then I made it through,
didn't know how hard it was until I found the lube.
I am small with a tail, all this swimming it's got me frail,
But at last I've won, I said at last I'd won as I entered the womb.
Like a sperm, spurted for the very first time,
like a sperm, got me swimming one last time.
There's the egg and it's mine,
I will claim it and in nine months time,
Yes you will find out, oh yes you will find out,
That the baby is mine!
Like a sperm, hey spurted for the very first time,
Like a sperm, got me swimming one last time."
Emily and George took a bow in front of the silent crowd.
"What did ya think?" Asked Emily.
"…" Answered Legolas.
"See so good he's speechless!" Laughed George.
****
A/N: Emily: Again I apologize for the Sperm song. It was written by Lauren and I (Fear of a Fruit Bat drummer) when we were bored walking home from school! George made me put it in here.
George: I think you should share the important message that the song gives out. Now the thank yous to our radiant reviewers:
Pretendingotbesane- Hey I know that song. Well we do aim to surprise!
Shadowz: I love that taters rap. I can't stop listening to it! Of course you are the pervy kid who else would it be!
Anime no Megami – Not only did we hint Boz/Hal we are definitely going for the whole donkey! Well with limits!
Snowfire the Kitsune- A fellow rambler! I will treasure your mischief.
Snow crystals – Hey! Howz you? I think I answered your question on MSM. George and I are back with a vengeance.
Tidus'luvr99 – Dirty mind! We have something in common! We have seen the Holy Grail! A definite laugh out loud film! I love Monty Python!