A/N: George: Hellllooooooo! Ready for more?

Emily: Be quiet!

George: Why?

Emily: We have to be discreet! I have been warned that men in black suits are after us!

G: Oh. *whispers*

Disclaimer: We…don't…we…own…nothing big scary dude in a suit.

Chapter Twenty-One – Gurus and foreign languages.

"Why didn't you want Legolas to know that we are going to join Frodo and Sam?" asked George as he pulled Emily up over a ledge.

Emily and George had been climbing for three hours and had made surprisingly good progress in scaling the mountain.

"Yes Legolas I am going to Mordor! Don't worry honey I won't let the big orange eye kill me. Somehow I do not think he would have been thrilled with this development."

"Good point. So this Guru then, what's his name?"

"Professor Xtian. He is a fully qualified Guru, graduated last year."

"How do you know about him?"

"He helped my friend find their hamster."

"Where was it?"

"In the U-bend of their toilet. Look there he is." Emily pointed to the top of the mountain where the outline of a man could be seen.

An Afro the likes of which has never been seen on a white man jutted out on the horizon. A long blue robe spread about him, which looked suspiciously like a dressing gown adorned his body.

"Ah my children I have been waiting for you." His voice called out.

"Good afternoon my dear Guru and how are you this fine day?" Asked Emily.

"I feel as if the wind is upon my left and not on my right."

"Huh?" George scratched his head. "Yeah I often feel like that!"

"How may I assist you young ones?" Asked the Guru.

"Well, Professor Xtian we have decided to help Frodo and Sam on their quest but we need your aid in traveling to Mordor." Explained Emily.

"Mordor eh?! That sounds like bit of a trek." Replied Xtian as he pondered on a solution.

"Em? Do you hear birds?" Asked George.

"Now you mention it I can hear something high pitched."

"Oh whato! That's just my phone, excuse me for a second." The Guru reached into his leather satchel and pulled out a cell phone. "Gorgeous gifted Guru's, what is philosophical dilemma..? Vikings eh?! They ain't so tough!." The Guru quickly hung up and rose in great majesty. "My dear children I must fly. Could you turn on the dry ice please?"

George bent down and switched on the dry ice machine.

"I am afraid that you shall have to figure out your predicament yourselves. However, when in doubt stay with the elf, man and dwarf!"

"Goodbye Guru!" Called Emily.

"See you later Mr. Xtian Sir!" Shouted George.

The Guru was carried of on his dry ice but just before he disappeared he called out his mantra:

"Remember kids, never forget yourselves!" 

"Well, that was helpful." Moaned George.

"The Guru is right, if in doubt stay with the elf, man and dwarf. Do you feel any doubt about going to help Frodo and Sam?"

"I feel as if I am breathing in doubt through every oral cavity in my body!"

"Nicely put, very graphic."

"Can we go back now? There's a strange aroma up here."

"I think Xtian left his morning shoes here. Come on then."

It took the two teenagers a lot longer to get down the mountain than it did to get up it due to steep gradients not being their specialty.

On their arrival back at Edoras Emily and George plonked themselves in the middle of the Great Hall and began to whine.

"Food! I need food." Cried George. "I'm wasting away."

"I need my elf." Pouted Emily. "My feet need rubbing."

"Poor Legolas." Muttered George.

"Did someone say my name?" Asked the elf standing behind them.

"Wuh! It's uber creepy when you do that!" Said a startled George.

"It is good to have you back." Smiled Legolas as he gathered Emily up into his arms. "Are you alright? Did anything attack you? Do you need to rest?"

"Stop with the questions! I am fine. The only thing that attacked us was the horrible blood sucking midges and as for rest: Yes please!"

"Some food would be good too." Said George from his position on the floor.

Legolas threw George an apple much to George's annoyance and continued to fuss over Emily.

"No that red mark was there before."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes!"

"So how did the quest go?"

"Point less!" Squealed George as some form of bug crawled out of the apple core. "Ahh! Legolas is trying to kill me!"

"You named the bug Legolas?" Asked Emily.

"No you moron! Legolas sent the bug to destroy me!"

"If I wanted to destroy you I would not use a bug." Smirked Legolas.

"You are seriously getting paranoid George." Laughed Emily.

"You are the one that said he was evil!" Cried George in defense.

"You think I'm evil?" Asked a confused and slightly hurt looking Legolas.

"Well those weren't exactly my words." Cringed Emily.

"Yes they were, in Fangorn Forest you said, and I quote: 'He is evil.' Cannot get much clearer than that."

"Shut your mouth before I ram that apple into it!" Cried Emily. "What I meant was that sometimes you have this look in your eyes that suggests… Oh who am I kidding! Yes I think you are evil but I still love you. Do you still love me?"

"So you like bad boys then?" Asked Legolas.

"Depends."

"On what?"

"On if they are as lovely as you!"

"Right that is it I am off before you two make me physically and emotionally ill! I'm gonna find Aragorn." Before George could pull himself up Aragorn came running though the door. When I say running I mean half skipping, a quarter prancing and the other quarter limping.

"The Beacons of Minas Tirith! The Beacons are lit!"

Everyone stared at Aragorn and then at Legolas, Emily and George.

"No we don't know him either!" Laughed George helpfully.

"Gondor calls for aid!" Shouted a breathless Aragorn.

"And Rohan will answer. Muster the Rohirrim!" Answered Theoden motioning to Eomer.

Everyone began to assemble outside ready to ride to Dunharrow.

"On the third, we ride for war." Said a passionate Theoden.

"You mean we're not going to run away?" Moaned a disappointed Emily.

"Come on you ride with me." Said Legolas as he pulled her up onto Arod.

"That only a small compensation!" Grumbled Emily. "Stupid green ghosts"

"Ghosts?" Legolas raise a delicate eyebrow.

"Oh nothing, just the ramblings of a mad woman!" Answered Emily quickly. "So where is George then?"

"Last I saw he was trying to remove Yoshie from Aragorn's ankle. I think the smell of Orc blood got too much for the poor little dragon to resist!" Answered Legolas with a smile.

"Gotta love that dragon." Giggled Emily as Arod spurred off.

 The ride to Dunharrow was, despite being sat up against Legolas, very uncomfortable for Emily who was experiencing thigh cramps like never before.

"Please can we stop!" Cried Emily.

"Aragorn, Emily and I will catch you up at Dunharrow. Emily needs to stop." Informed Legolas.

"Alright but be careful."

"Don't worry I will stay with them." Smiled George. "I'm not leaving them two alone again!"

"I am beginning to dislike you." Pouted Emily.

"Here seat on this log." Said Legolas.

"Don't mind if I do." Chirped George as he skipped over to the log.

"I meant Emily!"

"Don't worry Legolas. I would prefer to stand. I really don't know how you can ride those horses for more than half an hour. I can't feel half of my butt!"

"Would you like me to aid you in recovering the feeling there?" Asked Legolas with a smile on his face.

*coughcough* George fell off the log.

"Maybe later!" Said Emily.

^I may have to take you up on that!^ said Legolas.

"What was that?" Asked George.

^What did you say?^ Inquired Legolas in confusion.

"Em, why is Legolas speaking another language?"

"Legolas speak English!"

^I cannot understand a word you are saying. What language are you speaking?^  Legolas shook his head in confusion.

"One minute everything is fine the next everything had gone arse over tit!" Remarked George.

"Just another usual day in fandom!" Sighed Emily.

"I know! Em speak Elvish then Legolas will understand!"

"What do you want me to say?! All I can do is tell him to sit down and that is at the best of times!"

"Well it's a start." Shrugged George.

"Legolas Havo Dad."

Legolas looked on in confusion but did as he was told.

"Legolas, do you understand the words coming out of my mouth?"

"Mani ume lle quena?" Asked the elf in Elvish.

"Em translate!"

"Urm… I think he said…urm… what did…monkeys…no that's not right…say…What did you say?!" Emily smiled triumphantly.

"Great! Well you are crap at Elvish. Legolas is speaking gobbledygook and does not understand a word English. I am sensing a glitch in the Matrix!" Sighed George.

"Wait! Languages…Gobbledygook…Middle-earth…"

"Is this going anywhere?" Groaned George.

"That's it Westron! He is speaking Westron!"

^Westron is the language I am speaking but I know not what you say!^ Said Legolas.

"Shut-up elf boy!" Snapped George. "Why the sudden change in language he was speaking English just fine and dandy before?"

"Well it could be that the authoress has just realized that if in fact she did land in Middle-earth the common tongue is not English like in the films but in fact Westron!" Explained Emily as she sat on Legolas' lap.

"Well can't we just tell her to un-realize it?!" Cried George. "And quickly to! Before you to start using body language to express what you want to say!"

"I'm not going to understand Legolas! No my love will be silent." Emily began to get all over-dramatic and began to cry.

"Avo nallo, mellamin." Whispered Legolas. (Don't cry, my love.)

"I don't know what you just said but I liked it." Sniffed Emily.

"So how do we solve this one Sherlock?!" Sighed George collapsing to the ground. "Stupid Westron!"

****

Emily: Well there you have it, it is ransom time. Other authors hold their chapters up for ransom for reviews but we would never do that, oh no no no!

George: Instead we have decided to hold the English language up for ransom. Until we get more than 80 reviews Legolas and co will no longer be able to speak English!

Now for the thank yous:

Rainbow Dreamer – Don't make us write you in and give you an untimely death scene involving Mrs. Hunt.

Shadowz – Ooooooh Concert! I bought their album yesterday! Sperm forever.

Pretendingtobesane – Kung Fu competition!

Snowfire the Kitsune – Yes me and my drummer did write the sperm song. Sorry! Glad the last chapter cheered you up!

Snow crystals – G: No getting fresh! E: Yes getting fresh! G: No! E: Yes, you'll never stop me! Ha Ha Ha!