I am so friggin' cliche about this damn thing, I don't believe that I wrote this a year ago. It's horrible! (Anybody out there think that some parts are funny at least?)

Chapter 3

Lies and Ties

Seventh Floor of the Shin-Ra building, Rufus, Reeve and Palmer are all sitting around a table talking.

Rufus: (putting a jigsaw puzzle together on his desk)

Reeve: What did you call us for sir??

Rufus: Hojo is suppose to make a new machine... but we need something for it...

Palmer: yes sir??

Rufus: We need the Turks to help up, Palmer... call for them...

Palmer: (walks over to piano and hits a key) mi... mi... mi...miiiiiiii!!!!!!!! A-hem..... TU-RKSS!!!!!!!!!!

The Turks run in and pile over each other, knocking over Rufus's puzzle in the process....

Rufus: I was almost done with that!! It took me three months!

Palmer: How long was it suppose to take?

Rufus: The box said seven to eight years...

Palmer: Uh... Good job sir!!

Reno: Reporting for duty SIR!!

Rude: Yes!! (eats his last bite of hot pocket)

Tseng: HERE WE ARE!!!!!!

Elena: Ta-DA!!

Rufus: (Thinking: Idiots!) I need you to go get something for Hojo....

Tseng: yes Sir??

Just then AVALANCHE busts into the door

Cloud: Hi Girlfriends!!!

Tifa: (kicks Cloud)

Cloud: I mean... er... RUFUS!!!

Barret: Tell us about this new MACHINE!!

Reeve: He will NOT!

Rufus: This machine runs on a special kind of materia that is SO rare, there is only one of it, and I don't know where it is yet.

Cloud: A Materia!

Yuffie: (starry eyed) A MATERIA!?!!

Rufus: yes, a materia...

Cid: We should find it before they do!

Palmer: (whispering) Sir... these guys could get us the materia we need...and without them knowing it...

Rufus: True.... A-hem... Oh, darn... if you guys get this special (winks at Palmer) materia before we do... we won't have the new machine AND it will mean the end of Shin-Ra!

Elena: Vincent Valentine? Former Turk?

Vincent: yes... I am now a member of AVALANCHE!

Beth: (looks at Elena)

Elena: (stars for eyes)

Beth: (grumbles a little under her breathe)

Cloud: Where can we find this new materia??

Rufus: that's just it... it isn't traceable... it is hidden...

Beth: Hmm...How do I know you just aren't LYING to try to get us to bring you the materia??

Nanaki: Yeah!!

Beth: (growls) Back off... he isn't on YOUR side....

Elena: Anymore....

Reno: Neither are YOU!

Beth: (grumbles)

Rufus: Because I am not...

Reeve: He IS....

Rufus: (glares at Reeve)

Reeve: NOT! (Smiles)

Cloud: Okay, so let's go track down this new materia!!! Let's run like little school girls!!

Beth: (glances at Cid)

Cid: (decks Cloud)

Cloud: AWAY WE GO!!! (runs out)

The rest of the group runs after him.

Somewhere outside of Midgar...

Cloud: Now, where could a materia be?

Aeris: Cloud!

Cloud: Not in Midgar...

Aeris: Cloud!

Cloud: Maybe in Watui...

Aeris: CLOUD!

Cloud: or in the crater....

Beth and Aeris together scream: CLOUD!!

Cloud: You say something?

Beth: Aeris and I think that we are on a wild goose chase!

Aeris: We don't even know what KIND of materia this is!!

Tifa: Yeah, it could be dangerous!

Barret: I say we should go to.... Watui! Yuffie may have something about that in a book somewhere...

Cloud: Then let's scram Sam!

Cid: (sigh)

Cloud: (looks at Cid) err....

Cid: (starts to chase after Cloud)

Cloud: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cloud: (Runs right into Sephiroth) Seph- eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee AAAHHHHHHHHHH dddduuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.................. (falls over in a deeply retarded state of mind)

Beth: (looks at Tifa) Does he always do this?

Tifa: When Sephiroth is around...

Beth: Then... how did you guys save the planet?

Aeris: Beats me...

Barret: OKAY! (Beats Aeris)

Aeris: I was joking!!! (Being Beaten)

Sephiroth:... what are we up to today?

Beth: (shrugs) Same old same old....

Cid: Same old Fan.... same old Fiction!

Beth: (glares at Cid) What did you say?

Cid: (scared) Nothing!

Aeris: (hits her Great Gospel Limit Break and uses it on Barret)

Barret: (looks up... screams like a little girl)

Five angels fall down onto the ground and start kicking Barret.

Barret: (on ground now, with five angels kicking him mercilessly) MAKE THEM STOP!!!

Aeris: I said I was joking!

Sephiroth: Ah, so.... what are you doing today?

Cid: We are going to find the rarest of rare materia!

Beth: If we even know what it looks like or where it is....

Nanaki: We were going to Yuffie's house to find out some information.

Beth: Now, SHOO!! (shoos)

Sephiroth: That isn't such a good idea.... (POOF! He disappears)

Beth: Cool....

The angels give up on the bloody Barret and fly off.

Barret: Ouch... my..... spleen......

Cloud: (snaps out of his state) HEY! Let's get going to Yuffie's house!

They arrive at Yuffie's house and look in the basement.

Aeris: Books.... nothing on new and undiscovered materia in here....

Barret: Nothing here....

Cloud: (pulls lever) Maybe something behind this lever....

Everyone but Cloud and Yuffie are locked in the gate. Yuffie giggles.

Nanaki: (as Ysma, From Emperor's New Groove) Pull the lever Cronk! ..................

Cid: (as Ysma) Wwwwwwwwwwrrrrrrrrrrrrroooooooooonnnnnnnnnngggggggg llllllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!

Aeris: (looking around, not thinking about it but sounds like Ysma) Why do we even HAVE that lever?

Yuffie: CAN'T CATCH ME!!!!!!!! (runs off)

Cloud: (not paying attention) wonder what that did...

Beth: Cloud!!

Barret: SPIKE!! HELP!!!

Nanaki: Get us OUTTA here....

Vincent: (mumbles)

Beth: (looks down to see Vincent's face against her chest) AHH!!! (wants to use a materia)

Barret: HEY!!!

Cloud: (pulls the lever again)

Everyone is freed.

Beth: Our materia is gone....

Cid: I don't have anything...

Cait Sith: Me either.... even the two I made; the one out of ham is gone, so is the one I made out my own, Reeve's, frozen spe--

Beth: (glares at Cait) don't finish that....

Barret: Me too!!

Aeris: Yuffie Stole our materia AGAIN!!

Tifa: No shit Sherlock, how long did it TAKE YOU TO FUCKING FIGURE THAT OUT!

Aeris: Tifa, here... (hands her some Midol) I needed it this morning too!

Tifa: (grabs the bottle and swallows the whole thing) Tasty.

Nanaki: Does anyone have ANY materia LEFT!!??

Cloud: I have the HP-MP Materia!! (equips it)

Beth: Don't do that!!!

Cloud: WHY??

Cid: (trips Cloud)

Cloud: (falls on his face, dies)

Beth: THAT is why....

Cid: (laughing) Cool...

Nanaki: (Uses a Phoenix down on Cloud)

Beth: Let's go back to the mansion!

Cloud: To the Fairy FLYER!!!

Vincent: (smacks Cloud)

Cloud: (dies)

Beth: (sigh)

Cloud: (jumps alive)

Beth: I had too.... we may run out of Phoenix down on his stupid ass!

Tifa: (sighs) Okay... Let's go!!

Beth: (sighs) Yes, Let's.....

Getting out of the Highwind, Cloud falls and dies

Red: Oh brother... (casts Life2 on him)

Cloud: where did you get the life materia?

Red: Hmm? Oh.... uh?

Cid: Take that DAMN Materia from Cloud!!!

Beth: No, it's rather amusing! Let's leave it on him...

Tifa: He may take it off himself!!

Barret: Like that will ever happen..